5 years together, no reason for splitting..

[Midgar]

Hi, thanks for taking the time to read this.

Um, so. My girlfriend of 5 years (i'm 25) split with me. And i'm torturing myself over not understanding why.

 

Simple solution being to talk to her, she ignores me. Last time i text her was about getting my stuff back from her, to which she ignored everytime i did. (wasn't pestering her, sent 3 texts spread across a week.)

After the 3rd time though i got really angry and drove over to her/our flat. She wasn't there so i let myself in through methods i know how. Genuinly just took my things and left, didn't take anything that wasn't mine or do anything stupid.

I sent her a text after, just telling her that i'd let myself in to get my things. Wasn't really a nasty text. Just saying that if she hadn't ignored me we could have dealt with it like adults, and that she's the one who pushed me away so i don't see what's difficult for her about it. After that the text included other things.. "i miss you, i just wanted to make you happy" that sorta thing.

She replied with a picture of someone giving the finger.. It hurt more then it should have. It hurt as much as it did because i haven't done anything to deserve any of this.

Before i forget, she took me for almost everything, including my insanly well priced flat, now i'm actually homeless and just staying at different places.

But again, i didn't do anything. I didn't cheat, treat her bad, beat her up etc etc.

 

Anyway, the closest to a reason i have is what she said. She wants space, to make her life better. Is it just me or does that sound like a lie? To summerise 5 years of our lives together.. Really? It falls down to something so.. i dunno, bland.

It doesn't seem like shes told me the whole reason. Would you say that sounds right?

 

I'm able to see her on Xbox.. and this has to be the strangest source for evidence. But she's been playing some odd things, things she would never play. Halo Wars 2, Carmigeddon (never heard of it? Because it's generic and underground as it gets).. So now i'm asking myself, who the hell is playing these on her account?

 

Staright up question, based on your own experiences also. What is the likelyhood she's met/seeing someone else? We broke up only a month ago. She was so upset by the break up to, which makes no sense.. why is she dumping me then?

 

I could try and text her, but to be honest i don't want to. If she ignores it, i feel 20x worse then before sending it. As much i wish we could get back togther, what i want from her isn't that. I just want a convincing reason for why she ending 5 years together for nothing. Because i don't feel like i can move on without the reason.

 

I wish people would stop assuming they are protecting people by not telling them things. All that does is spread the pain out for later, rather then getting over with at once.

[Wiseman2]

Why did she break up? Breaking into and entering her flat will not help your cause. go no contact. You have your things back.

 

You are lucky she only sent an fyou emoji and didn't have you arrested for breaking and entering and file for a restraining order. Don't add crime to doing drugs and drinking. Get help and get your life under control.

After the 3rd time though i got really angry and drove over to her/our flat. She wasn't there so i let myself in through methods i know how. She replied with a picture of someone giving the finger.

[reinventmyself]

so. . .there isn't one single tiny thing you can grasp on that might give you some indication why she was unhappy enough to end a 5 relationship?

Nothing?

Because people don't leave when they are happy and their needs are satisfied.

They typically don't look for lovers on Xbox when they have a great relationship at home either.

[reinventmyself]

After a year without sex I started to change in a way I never thought possible. I hurt her physically and emotionally. I was disgusted with myself. She broke up with me.

 

You said this in an earlier post.

[twentysix]

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm going through a similar situation however it ended a lot more smoothly than in your case. She seems to be dealing with this situation very immaturely and you definitely don't deserve this.

 

Unless of course, there's more to the story?

 

What happened before the split? How were things in the last few weeks or month?

[Clio]

Chances are that she fell out of love with you gradually over a long period of time, hence you cannot pinpoint what happened. It is very common. It may not have been one big thing but lots of small things that accumulated over time and led to her loss of feelings. Plus, people change. She is NOT the person you remember. She gradually changed and you failed to see the warning signs. At this point, you are too close to the problem to be able to see clearly. Time and space will promote clarity. The bottom line is that she gradually stopped loving you. If it happened gradually, she may not have a concrete explanation to give you. People cannot help how they feel.

 

However, you are going down a very destructive path and you need to stop. The absolute WORST mistake to make is to stalk her through any means be it social media or Xbox. Learning random information and then trying to fill in the blanks will only drive you bonkers without gaining any real insight. If you really want to heal ASAP you need to stop learning any new information about her. You ask for a "convincing" reason. That is mighty subjective. Finding her reasons "unconvincing" doesn't make them less valid. She decided that she was not happy with you anymore and that her life would be better without you. It may sound very simplistic but this does not make it less valid. You need to step back and try to move on. The break up itself is all the information you need. Not accepting it at face value is only prolonging your misery and wasting your time. Closure comes from within. The source of your pain cannot be the source of your healing. Given what you described, no contact is your best option.

 

P.S. If you hurt her physically and emotionally then that is as valid/concrete a reason as it gets to break up. If you can't see this, you need to seek therapy.

[Tanzi]

How did she "take you for almost everything"? When my ex-husband left me and our 3 children taking him for everything he had wasn't an option ... not that I would have done anyway but the point was I was told by my solicitor from the outset that the law doesn't work in that way anymore (in the UK anyway). How did she manage to get your flat? Maybe you should seek some legal advice in that respect.

 

Anyway to my own experience ... well, I relate to what you are saying. When my ex-husband and I first split we still lived together whilst finances were being sorted out etc. One day we were talking about "stuff" whilst sitting on one the several balconies of our lovely home. It had panoramic views of a harbour and overlooked an indoor swimming pool and games room beneath .... and he said to me "I dunno why I feel the way I do, I just don't feel happy with the fact that I'm almost 40 and I feel like I haven't achieved anything" .... all this said whilst sitting on the balcony of our beautiful home that we were in the middle of renovating. He had a wife who did anything and everything for him, 3 young children (the youngest still really a baby) who adored him and an amazing home. I was stunned. It didn't really make any sense to me. Low and behold it turned out to be a load of rubbish .... he had been having an affair.

 

As for being upset about the break-up ... well there were times when my ex-husband would get upset and wonder if he was doing the right thing but, ultimately, splitting up and being with her was what he still wanted to do (not that it lasted). I think this is a common reaction that comes from the fact that going into the unknown and leaving the comfort of what you have known for many years can be daunting and even a bit frightening. What if it doesn't work out? I can also remember a time when I was incredibly upset after ending a relationship. Even though I didn't want to be with my ex-boyfriend anymore, I still valued him as a person and friend (though I knew we couldn't be friends) and I didn't like knowing that I had hurt him. If I were you, I wouldn't read too much into that. There are so many things that happen in the aftermath of a break-up that make no sense .... but all the while they are still choosing to move forwards without you the only thing you can do is assume that they are comfortable with their decision ... even if they do have their "moments".

 

You need to stop texting her now. It isn't going to get you anywhere. Something we all come to realise (as a dumpee) is that you never really get the answers you are looking for. It could be because they don't want to tell the truth or it could be because they can't explain it themselves. Sometimes people's feelings just change.

 

You are looking for closure .... I get that but, believe me, you won't find find it in the way you think. You will never be satisfied with the answers you are given and one text will lead to another, then another and another. Closure comes from within .... when you finally accept that things are over and all the questions and answers in the world won't change anything.

 

You are right though. Honesty is always the best policy. In my situation, as much as it hurt like hell to find out there was someone else, everything suddenly made perfect sense. That being said, it didn't change much. With that knowledge came even more questions and confusion ...... Why her and not me? What did I do so wrong that you wanted to leave your children? Could I have done something differently? On and on and on until I had exhausted every avenue and finally had to give up. Surprisingly, that is when I finally found peace.

 

For now you just need to try to accept that things are over. Maybe there isn't someone else, maybe there is. If there is you will probably find out eventually anyway. Maybe she just doesn't feel the same way about the relationship anymore ..... So many maybes. The thing is, there will be a time when you won't give a damn anymore.

[surfdiva]

After a year without sex I started to change in a way I never thought possible. I hurt her physically and emotionally. I was disgusted with myself. She broke up with me.

 

You said this in an earlier post.

 

Sorry, but hurting someone physically and or emotionally will do it. I've had both done to me and you're lucky all she did was send you the finger photo. You need to move on from this relationship. It sounds like she's just done being abused by you.

[Tanzi]

After a year without sex I started to change in a way I never thought possible. I hurt her physically and emotionally. I was disgusted with myself. She broke up with me.

 

You said this in an earlier post.

 

Oh!! Well that could make all the difference. I guess what the OP really wants to know is whether or not there is anyone else.

[Wiseman2]

Now add breaking and entering to the list.

You need to move on from this relationship. It sounds like she's just done being abused by you.

After the 3rd time though i got really angry and drove over to her/our flat. She wasn't there so i let myself in through methods i know how.

[boltnrun]

"But again, i didn't do anything. I didn't cheat, treat her bad, beat her up etc etc."

 

 

"After a year without sex I started to change in a way I never thought possible. I hurt her physically and emotionally. I was disgusted with myself. She broke up with me."

"But for how long do I have to live with my mistakes?"

"I never broke anything, made her bleed, or anything serious."

 

This is "no reason" to you?

 

Which is it? You "hurt her physically" or you "didn't beat her up"? Since you didn't make her bleed when you "hurt her physically", she's just supposed to be OK with you smacking her around or shoving her or whatever it was you did to "hurt her physically"?

 

If I were her, I'd ignore you and stay away forever.

 

And get help for what it is about you that makes you think it's OK to "hurt her physically".

[Dahl]

I'm *not* trying to pile on here, OP, but I'm sincerely concerned that after your earlier posts, you can forget / overlook / mitigate your behavior, to the point of flatly stating that it doesn't matter / didn't happen / doesn't count.

 

Are you in therapy a/o seeking professional intervention? I'm genuinely asking, not making a sarcastic remark, please know.

[reinventmyself]

Oh!! Well that could make all the difference. I guess what the OP really wants to know is whether or not there is anyone else.

As if putting his hands on her wasn't enough. Further down in the thread he mentions he didn't break thing or 'make her bleed'.

But she must have left for someone else, right??

[MissCanuck]

You were abusive. By your own admission.

 

That's why she dumped you.

 

You need to leave this girl alone.

[Midgar]

Wow, some of you really paint a bad picture of me. I thought this was a support forum.

 

After a year without sex I started to change in a way I never thought possible. I hurt her physically and emotionally. I was disgusted with myself. She broke up with me.

 

You said this in an earlier post.

 

There are many ways that can be interpretated. If i really hurt her, like put her in the hospital, black eye, fat lips, bruising etc.. I wouldn't even post about it. I was talking about pushing her, not slapping her one across the face.

I didn't abuse her . A few confrontations that got out of hand so few i can count on one hand. And again. I didn't beat her up, pushed her, screamed at her out of frustration from the way she was acting.

 

Jesus, one of these times i lost it was because one morning she called me a selfish c*** , generally being bratty, then hit me over the head with a plastic bottle. Because i didn't make her a coffee in the short space of time i had between getting up and going to work.. Oh, then i did make her one.. but the mug was to small. So i'm an idiot to. I think losing your temper over being treated like that is a bit more justified. What you lot seem to think is that i'm some sort of wife beater with no control over his actions..

Again though, don't get the wrong impression. Our relationship was not toxic. These were isolated things that were far and few between. 90% laughs %10 tears over 5 years.

 

That has no relevence to now, or the question i actually asked.

All that happened like 3 years ago, it wasn't a recent thing when i even posted that. But yea, we got back together. And things were better, i genuinly changed a lot about myself for the sake of not just our relationship but fr any others i may have in the future, to be a better person.

 

Why did she break up? Breaking into and entering her flat will not help your cause. go no contact. You have your things back.

 

You are lucky she only sent an fyou emoji and didn't have you arrested for breaking and entering and file for a restraining order. Don't add crime to doing drugs and drinking. Get help and get your life under control.

 

Seriously? I don't want anything to do with her. Restraining order lol. All i wanted was a reason, i don't think that's asking a lot.

Breaking an entering.. Jesus i was living there for practically 5 years as of a few weeks before doing that. After being ignored for almost a month in regards to collecting my things.. i think even a judge would understand.

Did you even read the post? At what point did i say i was drinking and doing drugs?

Your name confuses me.

 

Thanks though guys for derailing this post by focusing on an entirely different one from like 2 years ago instead of the one right in front of you.

 

I thought it was worth mentioning it because even though it was minor, it was still there. **** sake if i thought i would be forever remembered as an out of control lunitic who punches up women for kicks, i'd of just glorified myself and not done the whole two siides to every story instead.

 

Well, i learned today this site is a joke.. peace.

[boltnrun]

So how long do you think a woman (or anyone else, but especially someone you claim to love) should be upset about being "pushed"?

 

You said you "hurt her physically" but now it's just a "push"?

 

And why do you think a relationship where there's physical altercations is one anyone should return to?

 

I think you would be hard pressed to find anyone who would be "supportive" of a relationship where one "physically hurts" the other one.

[Dahl]

Your name confuses me.

 

If this is true and not a flailing, blind lashing out, then I would never stand a chance of helping you. Wiseman's contributions add to my clarity and understanding on posts I *already* firmly agree with him on.

 

It's right easy to take your ball and stomp home from an Internet forum, but people tried to save not only this girl and any potential future relationships you may enter into from you, but also genuinely attempted to save you from yourself.

 

Irked or not, I hope you consider the input you received. It's worth far more than you seem able to comprehend right now and that failing will see you in a far rougher spot in the future, belike, if you refuse to use it.

[Midgar]

So how long do you think a woman (or anyone else, but especially someone you claim to love) should be upset about being "pushed"?

 

You said you "hurt her physically" but now it's just a "push"?

 

And why do you think a relationship where there's physical altercations is one anyone should return to?

 

I think you would be hard pressed to find anyone who would be "supportive" of a relationship where one "physically hurts" the other one.

 

... My whole point is, if that is the reason why i've been dumped for a second time. Then why won't she say so? I'm not a bad person. I know i messed up once and i almost killed myself over it. Because it's not me. The guilt from hurting her was genuinly that bad.

I never expected her to ever reach a point and not be able to look back and feel hurt by what i did. Fact is though, that didn't represent our entire relationship. Like i keep saying, we had a good relationship. At our age 5 years is a pretty long time. There's a reason why it was for 5 years.

I can't explain our entire 5 years together in a few paragraphs. I was pointing out key moments, at no point did i say that it way a habit.

 

At the same time, you could ask the same of me.. How long should i let myself carry a grudge and pain. She hurt me to, physically and emotionaly. Infact out of the 4 times i lost my temper with her, 3 of them were because she was already being that person herself, abusive. I forgave, and she saw with her own eyes i am capable of genuine change, she was worth it to me. Over the past about 2 years we've been back together. Never lost my temper once, i never did hurt her again. Could we stop assuming i'm a dangerous person, because i'm not.

 

What do you mean "now" just a push. That's the best way to describe it. A shove to the sholder. A punch without the fist. A last resort of back off. Everytime it was held back to, i know my full strength and it wasn't that. I never properly hit her, like i would say a man i happen to be in a conflict with. But it hurt her all the same, emotionally more the physically.

 

It wasn't a physically abusive relationship. But i guess what could be considered abuse, did happen. It wasn't common at all.

[Midgar]

If this is true and not a flailing, blind lashing out, then I would never stand a chance of helping you. Wiseman's contributions add to my clarity and understanding on posts I *already* firmly agree with him on.

 

It's right easy to take your ball and stomp home from an Internet forum, but people tried to save not only this girl and any potential future relationships you may enter into from you, but also genuinely attempted to save you from yourself.

 

Irked or not, I hope you consider the input you received. It's worth far more than you seem able to comprehend right now and that failing will see you in a far rougher spot in the future, belike, if you refuse to use it.

 

Yes it was sarcasm.

I'm unhappy because i'm being painted as someone far worse then i actually am.

 

Regarding your last post, what do you actually mean? As in give an example of how i'm forgetting and overlooking my behaviour.

No i'm not in therapy and never have been.

[Dahl]

I thought that this was the initial premise of your post (in this thread, from the start) - an that you felt that you wanted to better understand the situation by countering it with more information.

 

Thank you for taking my question seriously. Would you be willing to consider professional intervention? Please note that I think these services / outlets are invaluable to everyone, absolutely including myself, and that I am in no way suggesting it as a negative judgment or being a jerk/sarcastic.

[boltnrun]

Well, maybe this will give you hope...

 

My cousin was married to a woman for about 5 years. She turned out to be jealous, possessive and controlling. He finally had enough and divorced her. He had started a relationship with a new woman a year or so after the divorce. Well, his ex-wife didn't take kindly to that. She kept calling and haranguing him. Then one day she showed up at his house and assaulted him. His girlfriend was present and called the police. Since my cousin was smart and simply put his hands behind his back while his ex beat him, SHE ended up getting arrested for assault. Since it was her first offense she only had to pick up trash on the freeway, which she said was "so embarrassing". I guess acting like an insane jealous scorned woman wasn't embarrassing but picking up trash on the freeway was, but whatever.

 

Anyway...about 20 years later, guess what? They're living together! He moved to another city and, according to what I've been told, had been feeling lonely. She reached out to him, they talked, and she ended up moving in with him.

 

Maybe that's not the time frame you have in mind, but my cousin's ex finally got him back. Yeah, it took 20 years, but I guess for her it was worth it. And I have no idea if the fact that she was convicted of assaulting him ever comes up but since she lives with him I can only presume he's been able to move past that.

[Ms Darcy]

Hi, thanks for taking the time to read this.

Um, so. My girlfriend of 5 years (i'm 25) split with me. And i'm torturing myself over not understanding why.

 

From what I have read, you have contradicted yourself enough that it's hard to know what the truth is.

 

All I would say is that the relationship sounded unhealthy and it would be best for you to let it go as best you can with that understanding.

[MissCanuck]

A healthy and mature relationship should never include physical violence. Not even once.

 

The fact that you both laid your hands on each other in anger indicates that you are both immature and have poor conflict-resolution and anger management skills. If you really believe that this is irrelevant to your break-up, you are in dire need of some introspection and insight. She obviously doesn't agree that your relationship was 90% happy, or she'd probably still be with you. I say that as someone who was on the receiving end of one act of physical aggression by an ex-boyfriend - for me, it changed everything. It was the turning point that led to my subsequent departure from the relationship.

 

It's over, and it sounds very much like that's for the best. If you're both resorting to violent behaviour, you need to not be around each other. Take this as the opportunity to sort yourself out so you can have a healthy relationship with a healthy partner in the future.

[faraday]

Since reasons like abuse, and dysfunction aren't satisfying your need to understand why break ups happen, I'll give other reasons why break ups happen (that have nothing to do with another man). Hopefully you'll find one that resonates.

 

I've broken up with men because I didn't see them as being my "forever." Good, decent guys...that I couldn't see myself married to, having kids with, growing old together.

 

I've broken up with men because the good stopped outweighing the bad....and even though the good was so good, it wasn't enough to counter how miserable and hollow that the bad left me feeling.

 

I've broken up with men when I've outgrown them...when I've matured beyond the scope that they have and they became immature or boring to me. Even though they were good guys... they were holding me back. I needed someone that was more, so that I could be more.

 

I've broken up with men that had habits I couldn't abide...whether it's overspending, a cheating past, or recreational use of drugs...or simply they left their dirty socks in my bed one too many times and I snapped, it was over for me.

 

I've broken up with men because I got to know them and realized they weren't right for me. When I was younger it took me a lot longer to realize these things (like I had a relationship that lasted 6 years before I realized he wasn't for me)...now, in my thirties, I have been able to determine much faster when there is incompatibility...that's how it goes for many people.

 

People grow a lot in between 20-30 years of age...especially in a five year span. People change ideas on what they want, what is important to them...even who they are.

 

The fact remains though...she's out. She doesn't want to be with you. So the "why" doesn't matter...because there isn't closure in that, just torment.

 

It's time to get your situation figured out: find a good place to live, rebuild friendships and hobbies that have been back-burnered during your last relationship...focus on becoming the best, healthy version of yourself....focus on being happy.

 

And maybe research the warning signs of a dysfunctional relationship so that you can leave sooner if one starts forming again the future.

 

I found the book "When the Past is Present" to be very helpful in recognizing and stopping dysfunctional patterns in my own life and making new healthy patterns/relationships.

 

Good luck