lisa4321 Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 Whenever we have a disagreement or argument he threatens divorce. It is always so extreme. This time he said I broke my commitment to tell him if I spend over $25. I told him my car brakes were $500. It needed transmission fluid and brake fluid and fuel injectors cleaned. Came to $800. I told dealer go ahead without asking him first. Which I agreed to do that he would make the financial decisions. He said if I would have asked he probably would have said go ahead and do it. But he said because of my past history which I haven't not asked him in a while there are never any consequences for my actions. Now he threatening divorce if I do again. Well I bought concert tickets in January for his birthday in march. Big mistake. I was being selfish. Now I am afraid to tell him.
lisa4321 Posted February 23, 2017 Author Posted February 23, 2017 No I am a homemaker. I am 49. So my work history is old. I tried for a department store job but they need someone on weekends also mandatory. I see my son every other weekend from my previous marriage. No college degree. Feel like a loser
gebaird Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 It seems like there are deeper issues here than car brakes or concert tickets. Is he controlling? Do you have a compulsive spending problem? Is this marriage an equal partnership or is he calling the shots? Do you have equal access to household money or is he treating you like a child? Threatening divorce is a manipulative technique, usually done out of a desire to control or out of simple emotional immaturity. How long have you been together? Are you happy in this marriage?
rosephase Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 That sounds very controlling. . But he said because of my past history which I haven't not asked him in a while there are never any consequences for my actions. What is your history of spending money? Why does he feel you need consequences? Do you make money?
Wiseman2 Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 How long have you been married? Did you have a past shopping habit or run up debt indiscriminately, what does he mean by that? Why not talk to an attorney to inform yourself on marital law such as joint assets, get a free consultation because you may want a divorce lawyer on speed-dial in the future. It's not "his money". Why haven't you gone to counseling alone to discuss mental abuse and control?
gebaird Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 No I am a homemaker. I am 49. So my work history is old. I tried for a department store job but they need someone on weekends also mandatory. I see my son every other weekend from my previous marriage. No college degree. Feel like a loser You're not a loser, and regardless of who is earning the pay, you should have a say.
lisa4321 Posted February 23, 2017 Author Posted February 23, 2017 I am happy when we don't fight. He is controlling. I don't have spending problem. We have been together 7 1/2 years. Married for 1 1/2. Yes he does treat me like a child
lisa4321 Posted February 23, 2017 Author Posted February 23, 2017 No I am a homemaker. He said until I make the same amount of money he does I cannot have the final say on. Financial decision
lisa4321 Posted February 23, 2017 Author Posted February 23, 2017 I had my bills paid when I got together with him. I had no credit card debt or anything. He means me making financial decisions without him knowing first or him having final say. My car needed brakes which he agreed to but the extra stuff for car I should have told him about. I have been to counseling with him and we were working it out. But when I make a mistake it's the end of the world
lisa4321 Posted February 23, 2017 Author Posted February 23, 2017 Thank you. He said I could have a say but he has the final decision. So I don't bother giving my opinion anymore. He said we have philosophical differences
reinventmyself Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 I have had this experience with 2 different men. My ex husband of 13 years threw out the D word like it was nothing. I never once in 13 years even mentioned it because is was irresponsible. The one and only time I did, I meant it and followed through with it and divorced him. Years later I dated some one who was really insecure and at least twice a month would mention breaking up. He didn't mean it. He was trying to be emotionally manipulative (because that's what it is) and never intended on standing behind it. I put him on notice and told him I would never mention breaking up with him unless I meant it and if he so much as mentioned the 'b' word one more time (because I was sick of it) I would hold him to it. . and I did. He was really upset that I broke up with him. It was never his intention. Upsetting me was his intention, not breaking up. So silly looking back at that time. And so irresponsible and emotionally abusive of someone to throw something as serious as that as nothing more than an idle threat and a means of control. Because basically they are threatening abandonment. That strikes the recipient to their core. If they have no intention on backing it up and are just doing it to hurt you and get something out of it. . then it's a form of abuse.
itsallgrand Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 No I am a homemaker. I am 49. So my work history is old. I tried for a department store job but they need someone on weekends also mandatory. I see my son every other weekend from my previous marriage. No college degree. Feel like a loser You need to do whatever you can to work and pay for your own way. It's fine to feel whatever you like but what matters is what are you doing about it? There is always a way to further your self. There is always work. And hell you are only 49, not dead! So time to get out there. He sounds like an abusive jerk who is power tripping off that you are so reliant on him. Yuck. How can you feel secure in that atmosphere? Hard to, and it's not healthy. Still not an excuse for you to not be pulling your own weight as an adult. You will need money for a lawyer if you want to leave him. You need money to regain self respect and control if you stay. You need to provide for yourself period.
lisa4321 Posted February 23, 2017 Author Posted February 23, 2017 Thank you. Yes I told him that is abusive threatening divorce every time. I asked him not to do it because it hurts. He did stop once or twice but doing again.❤️
Wiseman2 Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 He does it because it works and you never call his bluff. And you need to get back in touch with your first divorce lawyer and have a chat about whats going on. When he says "I want a divorce!". Say "ok let me call my lawyer while you pack". Remind him that it's expensive and since you never worked he may get stuck paying alimony. But instead you cower and so he get's you under his thumb. If he wanted a divorce he would serve you papers not huff and puff to intimidate you. You are reacting all wrong with this "it hurts me" nonsense. It's Supposed to hurt you like a spanking, that's why he keeps doing it and you go along with it.Thank you. Yes I told him that is abusive threatening divorce every time. I asked him not to do it because it hurts. He did stop once or twice but doing again.❤️
boltnrun Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 He keeps doing it because it works. You apologize and continue to stay with him...right?
j.man Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 I don't get it. What does homemaking entail without children? What do you spend 40 hours a week doing? I don't agree with him threatening divorce as his go-to conflict resolution. But if there are no kids and you at the very least have the spare time to work part time for an extra few bucks to spend on yourself, I can see why he could get resentful about you helping yourself to expenditures. And was the past history question ever answered? I get that you came into the marriage with your bills paid, but how has your spending been during the marriage?
itsallgrand Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 I don't get it. What does homemaking entail without children? What do you spend 40 hours a week doing? I don't agree with him threatening divorce as his go-to conflict resolution. But if there are no kids and you at the very least have the spare time to work part time for an extra few bucks to spend on yourself, I can see why he could get resentful about you helping yourself to expenditures. Thank you. If genders were reversed, there'd be more calling out on this. It's mooching. Sorry, it is.
boltnrun Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 Yeah, my mom hadn't worked in 15 years when my deadbeat father bailed. She knew she had to get back into the work force immediately because she had two pre-teen children to support (because, as I wrote, "Dad" was a deadbeat who didn't pay child support). The first job she was able to find was child care at a church during services. She kept plugging away until she eventually got a good job as a bookkeeper for a small business, then eventually as a bookkeeper at a very large business. Yes, you'll have to start at the beginning all over again, but you can do it if you choose. Then sock away some savings so the next time this controlling abuser threatens divorce you can tell him "go ahead".
melancholy123 Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 Tell him to put his money where is mouth is and if he's gonna divorce you he needs to just do it. I'd kick his butt to the curb. He sounds like a major control freak.
boltnrun Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 My ex husband didn't threaten divorce, but he DID tell me that since I didn't work (because HE wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom to our kids), I had no "say" in the household. I responded by promptly getting a full-time job. He then complained that I wasn't spending enough time with the kids and that I was "stressed out" all the time due to my job. He WANTED to be able to give me orders, so me getting a job messed up his controlling game plan. I ignored him and kept my job, saved up money, and was eventually able to get my own apartment and furnish it so that the kids and I had somewhere to go when I left him. I wasn't going to stay with someone who tried to manipulate and control me. That's not love.
Wiseman2 Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 Great post, great advice 6758983] I ignored him and kept my job, saved up money, and was eventually able to get my own apartment and furnish it so that the kids and I had somewhere to go when I left him. I wasn't going to stay with someone who tried to manipulate and control me. That's not love.
Seraphim Posted February 23, 2017 Posted February 23, 2017 I had my bills paid when I got together with him. I had no credit card debt or anything. He means me making financial decisions without him knowing first or him having final say. My car needed brakes which he agreed to but the extra stuff for car I should have told him about. I have been to counseling with him and we were working it out. But when I make a mistake it's the end of the world I would go out and get a job and apply for a divorce. Restrictions on financial security and threatening divorce are abusive. Leave and make your own way. Btw you are NOT a loser. ❤
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