Why is he cheating on his girlfriend with his ex?

[Mommisarah]

My husband and I had separated for a short time, my choice. I was having an emotional affair with this man for a few months prior to me leaving. I then started a deeper relationship with the man and I thought we were meant for each other. I ended up being very scared of going through a divorce and custody so I ended up getting back with my husband. Several months had gone by, still in communion with this other man but nothing physical until recently. Even though I went back to my husband I haven't been able to stop constantly thinking about this other man. My feelings are so strong for him but I didn't want to be this horrible cheating wife. Until now. This other man which for some time considered he was my boyfriend and he considered me his girlfriend started aggressively communicating again. I went to see him and he immediately embraced me only to find out a couple of days after he had a new girlfriend. He continued to text me and ask me to come see him. I resisted for a short time. He told me he still loves me and cares for me and wants to be there for me. But he has a girlfriend? So eventually after talking for a while I gave in and slept with him. I've gone to see him a few times not always a sexual hook up but we are great at talking with each other. We enjoy each other's company it wasn't just a sexual relationship. At one point when we were together, he asked me to marry him. But I was still technically married. Anyway, my concern is why would he cheat on his girlfriend with me. They had only been together for 2-3 months prior to him sleeping with me currently. I noticed the other day, she changed her profile status to single and took him off her friends list. But he has yet to tell me they are not together or are having issues. I don't know what to do or how to feel about this whole situation. Does he really love me still??? Or what?

[Hollyj]

Divorce your husband! Time to think about how your actions affect others!

[Wiseman2]

Sounds like she dumped him. Your concern would be better shifted to what you are doing and where you see any of this going?

my concern is why would he cheat on his girlfriend with me.

[randomer2000]

First off, I agree with HollyJ. If you are going behind your husbands back, then divorce him. It's unfair to him and your children for you to behave like this!

 

Secondly, Your so called Boyfriend doesn't seem to be too faithful either even if you two "click" so much. I recommend Leaving your husband first and admitting to the things you've done, as well as breaking up with this other guy if he insists on still having a girlfriend.

[RainyCoast]

Why is he cheating on his girlfriend with his ex?

my concern is why would he cheat on his girlfriend with me.

 

you can't be serious.

 

why did you cheat.

 

you showed him you had no issue with cheating.

[Mommisarah]

First off, I agree with HollyJ. If you are going behind your husbands back, then divorce him. It's unfair to him and your children for you to behave like this!

 

Secondly, Your so called Boyfriend doesn't seem to be too faithful either even if you two "click" so much. I recommend Leaving your husband first and admitting to the things you've done, as well as breaking up with this other guy if he insists on still having a girlfriend.

 

Before my husband and I got back together I did tell him everything and he pleaded with me to work out our marriage. As I stated, my reconciliation with my husband was going very well but I felt like I had unfinished business with the ex boyfriend. I'm not claiming to be a saint or perfect or even decent. Just confused

[Hollyj]

Why not remove yourself from both men, so that you can get your act together. Does your husband know that you're still sleeping with this guy?

 

Don't be so selfish!

[reinventmyself]

Karma has a way of taking care of these things.

You'll dink around between the two of them and be left with neither in the end.

 

The boyfriend has shown you he has no problem sleeping with another man's wife and at the same time cheating on someone he's committed to.

So, no you aren't that special that he'll take all these risks for you. He's just that much of a scum back and has no integrity.

Yet you are willing to jeopardize your marriage for this guy?

 

Your poor husband will come to realize two strikes are more than enough and want nothing to do with you.

 

You mention custody . . PLEASE tell me there are no children involved.

[reinventmyself]

I felt like I had unfinished business with the ex boyfriend.

 

You are married and were fortunate enough to reconcile.

You state your reconciliation was going very well, yet you never stopped cheating on your husband even after you reconciled?

So. . you didn't really reconcile. Your husband may have or believes it to be so

 

You don't get the luxury of worrying about your `unfinished biz' with the guy you had an affair with . .and then acting on it!

Not if you were really committed to saving your marriage.

[Wiseman2]

Love triangles just don't end well. Read here:

[ParisPaulette]

Do you really have to ask this? Come on, the guy enjoys cheating. He knows you cheat and are okay with it, so duh even if he has a girlfriend he already has a ready-made side dish waiting for him. As a married women he understands you cannot argue this point with him and win, you can't even demand he be loyal to you. You reconciled with your husband, but continued to see him? In his view this is fantastic, now he doesn't have to tell you to get out by having you show up on his doorstep newly divorced or in the middle of it and expecting anything more.

 

It's just not that hard to figure out here.

 

I also found it weird you are unfaithful to your husband, but somehow expect your cheat pratner would owe you loyalty????

 

How about your kids, how about you put your priorities as a MOTHER first instead and you're loyal to them first? Hmm. I was a child of both parents cheating, I knew what they were doing when I was two, and no I did not have a happy childhood. Sorry if I hurt your feelings here, but it makes a kid feel like crap to find out mommy or daddy can't be faithful. They take that as a personal rejection, which yeah it is. Don't fool yourself and come back with, "My children are perfectly happy, blah blah blah." They aren't, I know. You are so wrapped around this guy and the cheating you barely even mention them, I had to check your post twice to even verify you have kids.

 

If you're unhappy in your marriage do what I did, have the stones to get counseling, decide whether or not to get together and if you do divorce like I did make it work as a single parent. And understand you won't be getting loyalty out of anyone who feels it's okay to sleep with a married woman, pillow talk aside.

 

Stop justifying your actions or his. There is no unfinished business when you're cheating with an affair partner. It just means you've continued to lie to your husband and want to have your cake and eat it too. There is no reconciliation. It's only going good, because he believes you've chosen him over this other guy when you haven't.

 

And now you've gotten the same type of lies back in your face. Did it make you feel good to find out this guy has a girlfriend? Or that even though she left him he doesn't want you enough to now say, "Good news, please leave your husband so we can be together." If the answer is no and it hurt then take a moment and put yourself in your husband and kids shoes. You've done the same thing to them.

[Mommisarah]

I understand you all may see me as an awful person/wife and mother. Maybe I am. I definitely got myself into things I'm not proud of. I did willing tell my husband of the affair prior to us getting back together. He never knew and I went to him because of my guilt.

 

I appreciate all of your comments here and I know I need to dump the so called ex boyfriend I was honestly hoping to get advice on why I felt so compelled to stay in contact with him.

 

I'm trying to figure out if this is something I should seek professional help for. I own up to my mistakes and realize I'm an idiot for the choices I made. I just honestly needed someone to talk to. To more or less confirm how I was feeling.

[Hollyj]

I understand you all may see me as an awful person/wife and mother. Maybe I am. I definitely got myself into things I'm not proud of. I did willing tell my husband of the affair prior to us getting back together. He never knew and I went to him because of my guilt.

 

I appreciate all of your comments here and I know I need to dump the so called ex boyfriend I was honestly hoping to get advice on why I felt so compelled to stay in contact with him.

 

I'm trying to figure out if this is something I should seek professional help for. I own up to my mistakes and realize I'm an idiot for the choices I made. I just honestly needed someone to talk to. To more or less confirm how I was feeling.

 

How else would you think people would respond?

[Mommisarah]

How else would you think people would respond?

 

Honestly, I thought maybe someone that had been through this could give me some advice. I'm not the first person to do such things. I thought that's what this was for.

[RainyCoast]

I'm trying to figure out if this is something I should seek professional help for. I own up to my mistakes and realize I'm an idiot for the choices I made. I just honestly needed someone to talk to. To more or less confirm how I was feeling.

yes, i would seek help for this, and to find out why i needed the other man to begin with. it's not whether you're a bad person or good. we are aware that people firstly need to be understood, not judged. but when your expectations of the morality of your cheating partner display a double standard, it's hard for people to understand. to us, it's so logical that if you can find understanding for your own cheating, and reasons to continue, then it shouldn't be a problem to justify and accept his, or better, to decide it's wrong for anyone and exit this game and act with integrity instead...

 

you can talk more about the feelings you had in your marriage, and with this guy, and what needs he satisfied, and why you felt like the preferred way to meet those needs was to cheat, how you can find the integrity to approach the difficulties in your marriage. ask yourself questions like those, *you* questions, that sounds like something we might be able to explore with you.

[RainyCoast]

Honestly, I thought maybe someone that had been through this could give me some advice. I'm not the first person to do such things. I thought that's what this was for.

 

i keep trying to remember the name of a poster who went about it admirably...and i can't. please browse the infidelity section, it was a woman who was cheating on her husband with a woman. she left her, the woman keyed her car in vengeance, she confessed to her husband...he freaked out...and yet she reported relief at having gotten it all out, she went to see a counselor and she also confessed to her husband in the presence of a counselor. you'll find her, although you'll have to browse quite a bit, it was many months ago. she handled it really well imo.

[RainyCoast]

 

 

found it.

[Mommisarah]

There's a lot going on in my life. I've lost 2 people in one year. My brother and my very close life long friend.

My marriage has been up and down for years consumed with his past relationship that flooded over into ours. We got pregnant early on and stayed a couple not married for 7 years. We've been married now for 3 1/2 yrs

 

He's also not perfect but has never actually cheated. That I know of or can prove. But, that's hear nor there.

In my marriage, I have always felt like something's missing

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm sorry for your losses, but cheating requires a choice, and if you have the time to cheat, you have the time to think about it. Either way, it's time to either backup and address your marriage, or continue to fall into this downward spiral which will catch up with you sooner or later.

 

BTW, Unless I'm missing something, how do you have a husband and a boyfriend at the same time? You know what to do...

[RainyCoast]

how do you and hubs talk about the things that are missing? do you ever point out the strengths of your relationship as well?

 

i find we all know how to complain and be problem-focused. and it doesn't help.

sitting down to look at the problem, do a round of strength assessment and focusing on solutions seems to work much better.

 

have you ever had couples' counseling and do you think he would be up for it?

[RainyCoast]

i'm sorry for your losses too. hope you have support for that. you can check out the grief and bereavement section, it has helped me when i was dealing with that alone.

[Mommisarah]

how do you and hubs talk about the things that are missing? do you ever point out the strengths of your relationship as well?

 

i find we all know how to complain and be problem-focused. and it doesn't help.

sitting down to look at the problem, do a round of strength assessment and focusing on solutions seems to work much better.

 

have you ever had couples' counseling and do you think he would be up for it?

 

I've suggested counseling on many occasions to no avail. I've expressed I need some therapy too. He says I must just be crazy. Seemed like the only time he was receptive to any of it was after I left. But since I've been back he's not going for it. I've tried over the years to explain my feelings and in the moment he seems interested but that fades as quickly as the conversation began. I've always felt sort of like I married my father. He's the type of person where it's his way or no way to an extent. We don't have a lot of things in common so we don't do a lot outside of running the house and kids

[Mommisarah]

I would also like to clarify this man is not technically my boyfriend yes I did sleep with him after I left my husband my husband and I reconciled I stop talking to him for nine months and recently started talking to him again I did sleep with him one more time have not since done that and realize that I made a mistake. What I don't understand is not why I did what I did but if he is with someone else that he says he loves why would he pursue me again. I know going back and sleeping with him one more time was a huge mistake that's why I kind of said I felt like I had unfinished business I know that was wrong but I never took him for this type of a man before because he was adamant that we were not intimate before when I was with my husband that's why I left my husband because it was going in that direction so I just want to clarify that I didn't sleep with him while I was married I waited till after I left but this time obviously I'm still married and I did sleep with him which I regret now but I just don't understand how he could do that to his girlfriend I have a lot of regret for both parties involved

[reinventmyself]

Please understand that trying to get into someone elses head and figure them is a colossal waste of time.

Especially where he's concerned.

 

All that energy is best spent on your marriage and working on yourself.

[Twinflamer]

Listen; if you want sweet, sugar-coated advice with unicorns pooping out rainbows of happiness- then I strongly suggest you skip this post and not read this advice reply. But if you want; honest, hard-hitting, no bars hold; adult advice-that may be hard to hear- then continue reading.

 

1. You're scared, and confused, and who wouldn't be-when they're living in such unhealthy chaos after making one horrible decision after the next. You begin an emotional affair-according to your OP- a few MONTHS PRIOR to your marital separation. You separate, then come back not because of a well thought out/planned & calculated decision nor because you wanted to work things out with your husband, but rather, because you didn't want to man-up and face the potential divorce and custody arrangements; which leads me to number 2...

 

2. You're being extremely selfish. You not only care nothing for your husband-by engaging in the affair- then leaving- then stringing him along by coming back for all the wrong reasons- but have you even stopped, for just one moment: to see how this may be affecting your children? You know the ones- who should be absolute paramount in your life- your children- how they must be feeling right now?

 

You haven't mentioned one time- how your: inconsiderate, indecisive, self-centered, flip-flopping, actions may be affecting anyone else but yourself, least of all your children!?!

Nope. Instead; you're only worried about how the divorce and custody may effect you. IE: "I ended up being very scared of going through a divorce and custody..." {sic} and too concerned of whether or not your "boyfriend" really loves you, or

--Gasp-- if hes cheating on you with his girlfriend!?!

Are you serious? Are you even an adult? Who cares???

Your priorities are so out of whack that Im seriously considering this post may very well be a troll post. But on the off-chance that it may be real- (and more aptly deserving to be on a future Jerry Springer episode)...I will continue.

 

 

3. Its time to take those rose colored goggles off, stop living in la-la land, in a fantasy that only involves you and lover boy. You want to know if your boyfriend really loves you-well let's take a look. The man's priorities are about as intact as yours- considering that he willfilly engaged in both an emotional affair then later, a physical affair, with a married woman. But that seems okay because by your own admittance- you have actively continued an affair with a man who was already in a committed relationship- as he already had a girlfriend.

 

Yet of course he doesnt elect to tell you while it was just an emotional affair, nor does he tell you when he first sees you in person- but rather, (surprise, surprise) waits to tell you AFTER you two have sexual intercourse.

 

You say this relationship is not predominantly sexual because...QUOTE...."we are great at talking with each other."

Of course you are! You are both deceitful, self-absorbed, egocentric cheaters! Both living in a convoluted fantasy world where the stresses of real life _ such as: bills, work, children, illness, death, don't apply!!

Like two peas in a pod! You dont care that he has (or atleast had) a girlfriend, and he doesnt care that you are married! Nor how this must be affecting-your husband- and most importantly- your children! Nor does lover-boy seem; concerned in the least bit, by any emotional, mental, or psychological repercussions that these children may face in their future- by his active participation in this chaotic, family destroying affair....but then again YOU don't care either- so I suppose that this is okay in your eyes.

 

It boils down to this. Stop what you're doing. Stop acting like a teenage girl crushing on a boy in high school. Get your damn priorities straight! You are an adult with adult responsibilities and a family, for Goodness' sakes. You're not only hurting your husband, and children but you are also hurting yourself. There is a reason why you're on an anonymous advice board; you're confused and don't know which way to go. Yet, You're asking the wrong questions. Who cares if your boyfriend loves you or whether he is cheating on his girlfriend with you- or vice versa? You have much bigger fish to fry.

 

You have to first decide whether or not you want to be in a marriage with your husband which is a big decision that requires thought, time, and perhaps counseling/ guidance/advice from an outside trained professional, because it not only involves you and your husband but also innocent and impressionable children.

 

And just like there is no way for you to be able to decide this monumental decision overnight; you also cannot do it when you're actively engaging in yet another relationship with a man, long distance, with whom you have only known for less than a year.

 

Your brain must be short-circuiting from this ordeal, hence, why you're seeking advice. So you have to give yourself time; time to process all of this; or you could run the risk of making a colossal mistake now- that you will regret later on in life. Take a good look around, at what you're doing and whom you're affecting, with this non sense- because these decisions won't just affect you and lover boy; there are other valuable, more important people who will be affected, as well. Because if you don't take your marriage and family seriously now, and you continue to make selfish & hasty life-altering decisions, without, the proper healing time and professional help-all I have to say is: Good luck. Because eventually real world problems (as I mentioned above) will come rearing into your little fantasy relationship with children demanding to know why mommy never stopped to consider their feelings, or their daddy's feelings.

Because by you-only worrying about yourself- and where you fit in-in lover boys' life - its going to look REALLY BAD in front of your children and a judge-if your husband ever decides to take you to court and/or ask for sole custody.

 

Not to mention; because this "relationship" was built on lies and deceit-by two people unfaithful to their current relationships, what's stopping either of you two from cheating again- this time cheating on each other?

 

Please note; Im not being mean for the sake of being mean. I know, what I speak of, because I went through an almost- identical situation-but I was the innocent child caught in the cross fire between my mother and father.

So my advice: Go NC (no contact) with, Mr. "Meant-to-Be" and try working on yourself and seek outside guidance and counseling for what will be best for both you and your children.