Dunno what to do anymore

[helloxxx]

Hello,

I'm new to this and not really sure if I'm doing this right but I wanted to talk about my boyfriend, I need some advice.

We've been together for 3 years on and off. We were together through high school, we were together but he never asked me out then and he is also my first love. However through school, he treated me like a mug. He used to fight with me constantly and would much rather choose sports over me, he used to use me to do things and then ignore me in school, be constantly controlling, telling me what I can and can't wear and what I can and can't do, I wasn't allowed friends as boys either. He also cheated on me once, even though he never met the girl, the messages were explicit enough but me only being 15, took him back. Since then it came to a point where I met someone else who temporarily made me happy and then also, treated me like an idiot and spread rumours when I ended the relationship after he cheated. Through the relationship with the other person, I still missed my ex and thought of him every day. Since then, I left school and went to college w/ my ex, we continued contact but it just wasn't working, he was still really controlling yet never wanted to ask me out, so after counseilling, I sent a long message and ended it. After about 2 weeks he got in contact again and insisted I speak to him, for once in my life I rejected yet he continued to push and began begging, something I'd never seen before. I met him and he told me despite what he had said (things such as I'm a slag, attention seeker, ugly without makeup & ain't the right girl for himetc etc) he said he no longer meant them and he was sorry and wanted me to be his girlfriend, I was overwhelmed and said yes but if things don't change I will walk away. Since then..the first couple weeks were really good, he made effort to see me speak to me etc and we've been in a very happy place, he made me so happy and literally I really seen a future, he meant the world to me and I knew he could always be this person if he acc tried, it seemed like he had actually matured. but then recently it's going back to how it was, I admit I am at fault sometimes but he constantly pushes it, he calls me manipulative and sympathy seeker when I cry when that is not the case, what he says and does hurt me and I take it out in crying, he takes it out in anger and he says horrible things in the moment, as have I. All of my friends say I should leave him but I just can't like he does mean the world to me and I can't just leave him, I wanted to marry this guy but I can't do it no more, I feel depressed and even cut myself today which is something I've never done. I don't know what to do anymore, I want to walk away but feel like I can't..does anyone have any advice or anything? I don't feel like I can just leave him especially since we rely on each other a lot and he actually does me a lot to me..

[Wiseman2]

Many women go back to abusers. Research "red flags for controlling relationships", "warning signs for dating violence", "What is abuse" and get counselling to help you extricate yourself from all this.

[smegz]

I'm gathering that you already know that you should leave. It's doing that for GOOD is the hard part. I have been where you are, and god, it hurts. Knowing how he'll react has you scared, and I get you. Have a plan, get one or two ppl to be on standby, and break up in a public space (cafe for example.) You have been there for him, now it's time for you. Ignore all the names he calls you, dig deep, follow through. You got this. X

[blindfold]

I've been in an abusive relationship before. abusers will reel you in, then hurt you, then come back grovelling and pleading when you say you're done, then reel you back in and treat you well for a bit, then the cycle starts again. Seriously, google cycle of abuse. That's what happens whether it's physical or emotional abuse. Get rid of him.