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Breaking up over finances...


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I have been in a serious relationship for about 6 years now, the first few years we were long distance and the remainder of the time we have shared a home together. When I made the big move to his city and found a job, we decided to sign a lease together. He asked me to take on the burden of paying all the rent as he had student loans to pay, ensuring me that he would be getting a promotion within the year and would help me with rent when that happened. We got engaged shortly thereafter. I should note that our salaries were relatively similar at this point (I made about 10k more). We had also agreed to combine finances and I would be the administrator of the account, handling the expenses and savings while he had a debit card with a designated amount he could use for whatever he wanted every month. He would have access to view the account and everything in it.


A year passed, then another...whenever I asked him about the status he would complain that the HR department was lagging and be angry about the situation so I did not push it. During this time his parents paid off his student loans and he did not have any large expenses such as car payments and his parents still paid his phone and car insurance for the first 1-2 years we lived together. When he finally got his promotion, I nicely asked him to please keep his promise and help me with the rent as I was struggling. He got angry with me and said it's a wife's duty to support her husband and did I want him to give up on his dreams and sell out and work at a big consulting firm...I was shocked at his response and did not push it.

So at this point I had already accumulated a hefty amount of credit card debt and put my foot down and moved to a cheaper/smaller apartment. He was initially resistant but went along with my plans. However, nearly every day after work he would complain about how much he hated the apartment to which I would respond by telling him I'd be happy to move to a bigger/nicer place if he contributed 1k towards the rent. By this point I had already been asking for clarity on his finances for years which he refused to do (he would either say yes and not follow through, change the subject, or say that now wasn't the right time).


By the end of that lease last year, I found out my father has stage 4 cancer and the ex pushed me to move to a 2 bedroom apartment on the premise that my father could get treated here where we are. However, at every turn he presented reasons for why my father should not be treated here and should remain at his home a few states away. The extra room became "his" study where he would spend most of his time. Throughout most of our time together he would always use "mine, I, my" to describe things he should have used "us, our, we" for (i.e. MY car, MY apartment, MY room, MY bed, MY study).

As for the car...he had chosen an expensive luxury car lease which is about $300 a month and then additional insurance fees. I had cosigned a short term car lease with him that ended last year as well...when the time came to get a new car he made the decision without consulting me and only recently did I discover that he made a new lease using my credit...I was never told this and neither did I see any documents or sign any papers. When I brought up the fact that I was mad he made these big financial decisions without my input he became angry and defensive asking if I knew how much car payments were on average. I had done the research before hand and knew you could get a cheaper car lease for $100-200.


When I finally told him I am 60k in the hole and I cannot continue this way, I suggested we rent out the other bedroom since it did not appear my father would ever be staying with us to get treatment...he said he would take the other room and pay me half the rent and I should contribute $700 in miscellaneous monthly expenses. I asked him to give me documents on what that $700 was and he did not comply.

I finally got access to his financials a few weeks ago and it turns out he lied about how much credit card debt he has (he has 50k...which I don't understand as I have been paying ALL the rent for the past 4-5 years) After seeing his spending habits he was also going out a LOT, spending money on drinking, and some visits to the casino and strip club.


A few weeks back I started seeing a therapist as I was really confused about the situation and what I should do. I had asked him to go to couples counseling for YEARS because I wanted us to work on our communication, but every time he would shoot me down asking if I was going to pay for it and that he thought it was a bad idea. When I came back home from one of my visits to my father's house to accompany him to the hospital for his chemo treatments, I told him I wanted some space and I needed to get ready for a last minute business trip I had to get to the airport by 5am the next day. He refused and went through my bag and took out my medication (for my add, anxiety, depression) and tried to flush them down the toilet. Then he went through my bag and took out my phone and wouldn't give it back unless I agreed to talk with him. I was trying to pack my things and he would block the bedroom door. Eventually he gave up and threw my phone back at me, and the meds on the floor in front of me. After having a talk I left the apartment and stayed at a friend's place. The therapist and my parents implored me not to go back to the apartment, so I took their advice and I did not go back. They told me the relationship was toxic and I should leave. My parents also agreed to help me by taking out a loan using their house as collateral.


I sent an email to him letting him know that I needed to be apart to fix the financial mess I was in because he was unwilling to help me do so. It was the hardest thing I have ever done and I am still full of doubts. He wrote me back extremely hurtful responses accusing me of never having loved him and only being with him for his earning potential. "Is our love only worth 50k to you? I had it in my mind to pay for all the rent."


I am really hurt and I feel like a horrible person...He is not a bad guy and we have shared a lot of beautiful happy times together...I did not do this to hurt him but felt I had no other choice in order to live. Am I in the wrong? Was this a bad reason to move out and end things?


Thank you for reading.

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Toxic yes. Stay away from him. You did the right thing.


Please read the book "The Total Money Makeover" by Dave Ramsey and start to get your life back on track. Debt is not a means of living. You will never be wealthy or have financial peace when you are in debt. Pay it off and use your income to build wealth. This man would financially and probably emotionally ruin you if you stay with him.

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He's a sociopath conman abuser. Get out now. Listen to your family and therapist. He has brainwashed you with insane remarks like this: "He got angry with me and said it's a wife's duty to support her husband".


Sever all your ties. Contact local law enforcement about domestic abuse and financial abuse. Press charges. Sue him in civil court for monies he owes. Do not communicate with him whatsoever. Delete and block him from everything. Stay with your parents and accept their help.

I made the big move to his city and found a job, we decided to sign a lease together. He asked me to take on the burden of paying all the rent. I finally told him I am 60k in the hole. He went through my bag and took out my medication (for my add, anxiety, depression) and tried to flush them down the toilet. Then he went through my bag and took out my phone and wouldn't give it back unless I agreed to talk with him.Eventually he gave up and threw my phone back at me, and the meds on the floor in front of me.
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Getting rid of him is truly best decision you've made in a long long long time.... maybe in your entire life even.


Wiseman's post might seem harsh to you, but he is absolutely correct. This guy is a conman who has done nothing but use you for free rent and other services. Heck he even conned his parents to pay for his loans. All the while he is off gambling and cavorting with hookers. That said, please please get yourself checked for STD's.


Also, please get your credit information and be sure you are monitoring all that. If he put anything on there that you didn't sign for, contact a lawyer, get it off your credit history and name, charge him with fraud. Yes using your credit to get a car lease without your knowledge IS fraud. Since he has your personal information, he might try for more, so you need to treat this as seriously as it actually is. He can destroy your finances for years unless you take serious measures against it. No playing nice or any misplace sense of guilt or forgiveness for this creep.


Finally, please please carry on with your counseling. Your idea of relationship and supporting each other is badly misplaced. A conman like him would have never had a chance if you had a stronger understanding of healthy boundaries in a relationship and what you do and do not share with your partner and how. Understand that majority would actually laugh hysterically if their bf/gf asked them to pay full rent while they live for free so they can pay off their student loans....and after they are done rolling on the floor laughing, they'd kick that person out of their life. The idea is actually that offensive.

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Thank you for the advice and helping me get some clarity on the situation...I have already been tested for STDs and thankfully nothing is out of order. I agree and recognize the part I played in all of this and I have done nothing but enable his bad behaviors...after he didn't get his promotion within a year I should have told him to start contributing otherwise I leave. My hope is that I can grow from this experience and never get into another toxic relationship like this again.

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You will be ok. You had a brush with a sociopath. You can rebuild now that the nightmare is over. Good luck to you.

Thank you for your wisdom and your advice, I have already moved out and am in contact with lawyers to see what my options are...It hurts me to have to do this to someone I thought I would spend my life with but it's too late to turn back now
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Yikes, this is quite the ordeal you've been though. I'm sure it's not what you signed up for. His words "said it's a wife's duty to support her husband" still baffle me. what the *** ?

His parents meant well for helping with student loans but this sadly doesn't fix the problem, it makes it worse. He was and always would expect you to bail him out financially, so glad you got out of that mess. Move on and don't look back. Good luck to a much better future.

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