IsaacT Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 My ex and I broke up a little over a month ago. When we broke up, she said some things along the lines of ''I know I'm going to end up waiting for you. It's your responsibility to come to me when you make the relationship work. I still love you. Let's talk in a month or so''. I know that people say a lot of things in breakups to create a soft landing, but it's hard to know how much she meant. We both agreed to the break up because things had become toxic, but I was a little more resistant than she was. I recently asked if she had a chance to talk about closure because leaving the door half-open like that has made it very hard for me to move forward without looking back. I want the opportunity to respectfully tell her that I need to shut the door permanently for my own sense of closure. However, when I asked her a week ago to talk about closure, she took a while to respond and then eventually said she didn't think talking was the best idea because she didn't want to ''continue regressing into sadness''. I didn't respond. That was over a week ago. Is there anything I can do to feel like I've shut the door? Would it be productive at all to ask her again to talk or send a text, or is this just something I need to decide internally? I feel like it would do wonders for my ability to move forward if I had the opportunity to explain that I need to shut the door, but maybe I'm just fooling myself. Any advice is appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NickMark88 Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 To me, when you said she no longer wanted to talk as ''she didn't want continue regressing into sadness'', that signifies an end of communication. Without communication, you really have no where else to go. I think the door has been closed for you by her saying that. Time to open a new door. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keyman Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 In my experience, closure is a personal thing. This means that you can't seek closure by talking to the person you are closing the door upon as this tends to open wider questions. Closure is when you ultimately decide to walk away, on your own, closing the door to the past behind you. And you can only begin the process and time will take care of the rest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsaacT Posted February 23, 2017 Author Share Posted February 23, 2017 That makes sense. Could I do any damage by sending a thoughtful apology for my part in us separating followed by an explanation that I'm not sure if she meant what she said about leaving the door open but that I need to feel like we've closed it for my own sense of closure? I don't want it to come off as trying to push her buttons, but it's been a month and what she said has still stuck with me. I feel like it could help me move on in a more positive way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 If you send that you will end up spending perhaps days nervously waiting for her to respond. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ShatteredMan Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 ^^Agree with Boltnrun. Don't send it. The strongest move you can make right now is to (honestly) walk away. We all wrestle with this after a breakup because we still wonder/hope that the door is still open. Wouldn't it be better to learn this if she comes back of her own free will? It makes you sad when (well, some of the time...) you still care and that you hear that an ex is unhappy and you're hoping its because they're missing you and what you once had. However, staying NC will eventually reveal if they clear their minds and they decide that they want you back in their lives. As for closure, you've already got it. I had a similar situation to you and then I found out that she had moved on with someone else a month later. As much as I denied it due to my inability to accept the truth, that was the closure. Time and distance and walking away from her has allowed me to work on myself, date other women, re-center myself emotionally and set new goals and expectations for the future. While we all have to do this in our own way, I suspect that this may be what you need going forward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liraele Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Why don't you write the letter (as in, hand write - more effort) and burn it rather than sending it. Symbolism can go a long way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 It's up to you to decide if this feels like string along talk, being fobbed off or you want to stick around. She can't give you closure.I recently asked if she had a chance to talk about closure because leaving the door half-open like that has made it very hard for me to move forward without looking back. I want the opportunity to respectfully tell her that I need to shut the door permanently for my own sense of closure. said she didn't think talking was the best idea because she didn't want to ''continue regressing into sadness''. ] Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrkHrt Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 She basically sounds like me. I don't think she is playing games or messing you around- I think perhaps she realises that a breakup was too drastic and that perhaps the two of you just need space. However- this is where you have to be very decisive. If you want her, be honest with yourself. Go get your girl and move forward. But if you don't want to move forward, and you TRULY want to 'close the door' as you say, then by now you would've put your foot down and refused to have any more contact. Even block her. I mean, the harsh reality is, if you truly want out, there is no real way to soften the blow. You don't have to be rude, but 'closing the door' is something you can only do once you stop being overly considerate of your feelings of hurting her. It just is what it is. However- the simple fact that you are on a site like this questioning the situation, indicates that perhaps you are not 100% about closing the door at all. I'm just being honest with you my friend. You gotta be honest with yourself and how you truly feel. Good luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrkHrt Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 I also think that what she is doing is enforcing NC and is leaving the ball in your court. She perhaps feels that by 'fighting' for you and telling you how she truly feels will push you away faster. But like the other messages here say, if YOU want to truly move on, you have to cut the cord. There's little that is nice about it but there's really no other option. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
randomer2000 Posted February 23, 2017 Share Posted February 23, 2017 Stop being stringed along and stringing her along. Move on. The best way to get closure is by actually closing the communications. If you keep talking to each other you are pulling on your heart strings everyday. Just go cold turkey and stop communications. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsaacT Posted February 24, 2017 Author Share Posted February 24, 2017 Thankful for all of these replies. To be honest, the fact that I'm on this site struggling with how to close the door perhaps shows that I'm not totally ready to do that. I still have feelings for her but the relationship ended in lying and borderline cheating, so I know that I can never be with her again. So, I know I have to cut the cord but I'm still struggling with how to do that in the way that's least painful for both of us. I already deleted her everywhere and I've been grappling with saying something like "I hope deleting you didn't come off as childish or immature. It was just an obstacle for me fully moving on and I think it could help." I think that could be closing the door--being polite but mentioning that I'm fully moving on. Any thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted February 24, 2017 Share Posted February 24, 2017 No, because you'll be waiting for a response. Bad idea. No need to contact "one more time". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shiner501 Posted February 25, 2017 Share Posted February 25, 2017 Closure is an illusion. You are not with her any more. THAT is all the closure you need. There is NOTHING else you need to know. You are deluded if you think that "closure" will make you feel good about the world again. It won't. It will probably make you feel even worse. Now move onward and put this behind you. Simple words for me to say aren't they? But they are the truth. And you know that too. Let it go and move onward into your life and do not be tied back by your past. This is your one shot at life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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