What would he want?

[Robina]

A guy asked for my business card at a networking event in April last year five minutes into meeting me. Excited to meet a potential business prospect (I'm not in sales) I followed up his initial e-mail suggesting to meet over coffee next time he was in town. He's in Scotland, I'm in London. His suggestion a drink. My e-mail gave no indication of romantic interest cause frankly I didn't remember his appearance! Over the summer we e-mailed flirted - no harm right? Didn't meet - his next London trip was late summer. August came around and his business trip coincided with me travelling away for business. Our paths crossed. He continued mailing me every month almost on the dot just striking up random conversations. We'd talk about the usual non-personal topics, work, travel and politics with some flirty bits. His e-mails would be lengthy, but he would go quiet after 4-5. I would send the last e-mail, he would start a new conversation a month later.

 

The next time we were both in town at the same time was November. I invited him to my company drinks, but my colleagues suggested he was looking to see me only. Right as they were, he didn't show for drinks. We had scheduled a 45 minute just in case coffee the day after drinks for which I was running 30 minutes late! I e-mailed ahead telling him I'd understand if he'd like to cancel. He waited. The coffee was fine. Casual-ish. He wanted to know where I saw myself geographically longer term and in the next few years. I told him I'd go where the job took me. I'm a consultant with travel requirements which cannot be planned for. As we parted he shook my hand.

 

Fast forward to mid January. We've been exchanging between 8 to 10 e-mails per week. He's revealed he finds me attractive. I've said nothing. If anything I've pushed his advances under the carpet cause I don't know what I want myself! I'm 3 years a widow with only relationship being my husband. He know's I'm widowed and I 'know' he's not been in a long term relationship since 2008.

 

As a guy, why would you go to 'this much trouble' to stay in touch with someone long distance and potentially start a long distance relationship? The logical mind tells me if he wanted something on the side (can the no long term relationship since 2008 story be trusted?) he could have gone for 'anyone in London'. He works in business development so striking up conversations isn't an issue. On the other hand, why would he 'pursue' someone long distance? Additionally, since I still wear my engagement and wedding ring I made a point of making them obvious during coffee. He has continued to e-mail flirt after seeing the rings. But then again, finding out I'm widowed hasn't scared him off either. He's asked me a few times jokingly if he needs to up the ante.

 

What would he want?

[Betterwithout]

As a guy, why would you go to 'this much trouble' to stay in touch with someone long distance and potentially start a long distance relationship? The logical mind tells me if he wanted something on the side (can the no long term relationship since 2008 story be trusted?) he could have gone for 'anyone in London'. He works in business development so striking up conversations isn't an issue. On the other hand, why would he 'pursue' someone long distance? Additionally, since I still wear my engagement and wedding ring I made a point of making them obvious during coffee. He has continued to e-mail flirt after seeing the rings. But then again, finding out I'm widowed hasn't scared him off either. He's asked me a few times jokingly if he needs to up the ante.

 

What would he want?

 

Sounds like you need to trust your gut instincts. It is possible that he is looking for a fling on the side and his travelling allows it, or he is honest and doesn't have

a spouse at "home".

The bigger question is are you ready for this type of long distance relationship, and all the mystery surrounding it, especially since you are 3 years a widow?

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like he's interested but feeling the situation out first. Not sure why you are both interested in, yet repelling men with the ring thing? Are you ready to date?

He wanted to know where I saw myself geographically longer term and in the next few years. I still wear my engagement and wedding ring I made a point of making them obvious during coffee.

[ParisPaulette]

Who said anything about relationship? This is a guy who is interested, but even if it's just to line you up as a honey he stops over to have a good time with when he's in town, there is very little effort on his part. Texting is not making an effort. It's "let's see who I can have some fun with to make a boring trip less boring."

 

Relationships involve someone taking you on a real date, in getting to know you in person, in taking the time and effort to see if there even is a relationship potential. EDITED THAT PART OUT - I missed the coffee date.

 

What you're describing is something I've seen plenty of players do who travel for a living, I don't see anything that indicates seriousness. And he's doing it all by text, so you know nothing about him. If you are okay with a frolic this is the guy for you. He just wants fun, he'll be out of your hair except when he's in town, it's golden. Just practice safe sex, 'cause if they do it with you they are doing it with others.

 

But relationship? Nope, not even close. There are zero indications there he wants more than a good time with you.

 

Plus if you were wearing a wedding ring and he doesn't know you're not married any more, then yeah. He's sounding you out for hookups, not a relationship.

[Robina]

Thank you Betterwithout.

 

I meet my husband online. We chatted for 4 years before meeting - lived in different countries. We had a very happy marriage.

That said, I totally understand I must have rose tinted glasses about this. The mystery is the attraction. But I'm the conscious type so there is no fear of any steps from my end until I trust my gut. Thinking of joking I'm his bit on the side? Nothing to loose. My friends tell me they see I have no issues attracting men. Perhaps the opposite.

 

Would you pursue someone like this? And if you did, what would be your goal? He's 40.

[Robina]

Thank you ParisPaulette.

 

This was my gut too. I'm not the fun on the side type and have given no such indication either. I do have his number and he's asked for mine a few times, but I've joked it away. Spying on his WhatsApp picture gives nothing away. I can't find him on Facebook and he has few more than 200 contacts on LinkedIn. I really know nothing about him. Should I bother to get to know him?

[Robina]

Thank you Wiseman 2.

 

I think I am, but not sure. Taking my rings off seem a bigger step than getting to know someone.

[Betterwithout]

Thank you Betterwithout.

 

I meet my husband online. We chatted for 4 years before meeting - lived in different countries. We had a very happy marriage.

That said, I totally understand I must have rose tinted glasses about this. The mystery is the attraction. But I'm the conscious type so there is no fear of any steps from my end until I trust my gut. Thinking of joking I'm his bit on the side? Nothing to loose. My friends tell me they see I have no issues attracting men. Perhaps the opposite.

 

Would you pursue someone like this? And if you did, what would be your goal? He's 40.

 

After reading you met your husband almost in the same fashion (online chatting for 4 years and in different countries), I can't easily discount this could happen again. But IMO it could be an exception rather than a rule that you met your husband this way. This new guy could have a whole different agenda, that is the mystery.

 

You asked if I would pursue someone like this. I can empathize with a person who travels a lot would make relationships harder to find and maintain.

I would have to be in his shoes to know if I would pursue someone like this, but off the cuff.....I probably would since I met you in person and found you attractive in person, and enjoyed the back and forth email exchanges.

Just be careful and be prepared for both outcomes.

[Wiseman2]

You can't date if you can't get past this. You're not ready.

Taking my rings off seem a bigger step than getting to know someone.

[Robina]

After reading you met your husband almost in the same fashion (online chatting for 4 years and in different countries), I can't easily discount this could happen again. But IMO it could be an exception rather than a rule that you met your husband this way. This new guy could have a whole different agenda, that is the mystery.

 

You asked if I would pursue someone like this. I can empathize with a person who travels a lot would make relationships harder to find and maintain.

I would have to be in his shoes to know if I would pursue someone like this, but off the cuff.....I probably would since I met you in person and found you attractive in person, and enjoyed the back and forth email exchanges.

Just be careful and be prepared for both outcomes.

 

Mystery man indeed. We're both in London again in March so I'm currently strategizing. I'm leaning towards calling the whole meetup off. Or should I give him a chance to prove he'd just want dinner to get to know each other with no intention of dessert?

[Robina]

You may be right there, I may not be ready to date. But if I don't dip my toes...Plus, I'm only interested in getting to know him at this stage.

I've only ever been with my late husband so there is no chance of a hook up. Somehow I think making this clear to him might make the chase more interesting?

 

If this was you, what intentions would you have?

 

You can't date if you can't get past this. You're not ready.

[Wiseman2]

No. Don't play games. Just think of him as an occasional companion and friend. His intentions don't matter, yours do and how you steer this.

 

What chase? Dropping by for coffee when he's in town? It seems you are mistaking this for dating or a relationship, no?

I've only ever been with my late husband so there is no chance of a hook up. Somehow I think making this clear to him might make the chase more interesting?

[Betterwithout]

Mystery man indeed. We're both in London again in March so I'm currently strategizing. I'm leaning towards calling the whole meetup off. Or should I give him a chance to prove he'd just want dinner to get to know each other with no intention of dessert?

 

If you decide on a "dinner only", ensure that doesn't include dessert as you so eloquently put it (a rendezvous upstairs to the hotel). You seem like you want to get to know him before taking it to the next level, so hopefully he is on the same page.

As you said in the other post.. "dip your toes". Just make sure you don't dip your toes into a toxic stew.

[Betterwithout]

No. Don't play games. Just think of him as an occasional companion and friend. His intentions don't matter, yours do and how you steer this.

 

This^^^^^^

[Robina]

I never had any intentions before we started flirting. At this stage its about getting to know the other person, but what if I'm the side piece? I could stop replying to his e-mails and that would be the end.

 

No. Don't play games. Just think of him as an occasional companion and friend. His intentions don't matter, yours do and how you steer this.

 

What chase? Dropping by for coffee when he's in town? It seems you are mistaking this for dating or a relationship, no?

[Robina]

If you decide on a "dinner only", ensure that doesn't include dessert as you so eloquently put it (a rendezvous upstairs to the hotel). You seem like you want to get to know him before taking it to the next level, so hopefully he is on the same page.

As you said in the other post.. "dip your toes". Just make sure you don't dip your toes into a toxic stew.

 

This is my attempt to quantify the likelihood of a stew! My friends just want me to get into the ring again, but is this the guy? Thank you for the unbiased advice.

[Wiseman2]

Do what's right for you. No, you are not dating this guy, he's a coffee/email companion.

 

If you wanted to date, you could get a nice profile and pics up on some dating apps and that is how you 'wet your toes'. Messaging and meeting local men for low-key coffee and then seeing if there's enough interest for a second date..

My friends just want me to get into the ring again, but is this the guy?

[Betterwithout]

This is my attempt to quantify the likelihood of a stew! My friends just want me to get into the ring again, but is this the guy? Thank you for the unbiased advice.

 

Friends can be well meaning and encouraging you to "get out there and find a man". I'm all for moving on...just make sure it is at the pace YOU set. And with the right guy.

[Robina]

You make a good point! Seen it this way makes him in my mind a 'I don't need to bother worrying about making up my mind about dating anytime soon cause he's not in town anyway and will only want to meet up when he's in town'. We may have different intentions for the meetups. In his e-mails he writes his friends are telling him to get back in the long term ring. I never told him about my friends telling me the same. Additionally he writes intentions should be shared, but this could all be player talk.

 

Ultimately, how can you trust anyone? Even if they are in your own home town there is no guarantee. London is a big city!

 

Do what's right for you. No, you are not dating this guy, he's a coffee/email companion.

 

If you wanted to date, you could get a nice profile and pics up on some dating apps and that is how you 'wet your toes'. Messaging and meeting local men for low-key coffee and then seeing if there's enough interest for a second date..

[Robina]

He e-mail late in the evening yesterday, 12.30 AM. Nothing suggestive, yet odd he thought to message that late. He is in London at the moment. He knows I don't move back until March. I'm leaning towards meeting up in March and finding out. I'd gladly shake hands again as we part next month.

[Wiseman2]

After his wife goes to bed?

He e-mail late in the evening yesterday, 12.30 AM.

[Robina]

Ha! He's out of town so doesn't have to wait for anyone to fall asleep. In the two sentence message he expressed he hadn't forgotten to check out some songs I had suggested and that he was having a bad week. Suspect he was looking for sympathy, but I'm not the kind to give sympathy. My response was factual asking what happened.

 

After his wife goes to bed?