How to get closure?

[LordRorek]

My break up is a long and complicated story but in short, my ex just kinda left after 7 years together and I never got any of my questions answered or any closure of any kind.

 

She won't contact me and everytime I contact her she mainly just ignores me except for one email she sent where she said she was sorry and that she had been confused for a longtime? but when I wanted to know specifically why she borke up with me she just stopped talking to me.

 

I just feel like she abandoned me and just left me here holding all the emotional baggage without having any context in which to sort it all out.

 

 

How do I get closure in this situation?

[luisannalui]

You need to give her time and space. We never get the answer we want from them. Most of the time they break up with us becuase love ends on their part, someone else is in the picture or they want to feel "free" to meet people for casual dating. If she wants you she'll come back to you.

[LordRorek]

I never want her back because I could never trust her after this. But I am just having trouble finding closure without getting any answers.

[RainyCoast]

what do you think closure means in the first place? or, maybe better, what does it mean to you?

[RainyCoast]

"she left without an explanation" could be closure too.

 

"some people will do anything to avoid even an amicable confrontation" can be closure too.

[LordRorek]

I'm not sure what that is but let me tell you how I feel and maybe that will give me some insight

 

Basically, I still have alot of anger and resentment because she didnt even have the common courtesy to do it to my face and even worse she just deletes me and my whole family from her life.

 

I never got to say what I had to say or ask the questions I wanted to ask or yell or scream or anything.

 

But I dont want to be angry anymore I just want to be indifferent to her and the whole situation.

[RainyCoast]

I never got to say what I had to say or ask the questions I wanted to ask or yell or scream or anything.

that does explain it. it makes you feel powerless, being denied the chance to react. i'm not saying people should scream or yell when dumped, but that to be given a chance to reply, to be involved in something that is happening to you, rather than having it done to you by someone, will make you feel helpless and powerless.

 

consider that even if you had a chance to talk, you would feel equally helpless, because break-ups are rarely mutual.

 

consider other ways to reclaim your power to affect your own life.

 

often, exs who do have the chance to keep in touch use it for a back and forth game of each trying to get the upper hand, as if that were possible post break-up. say something hurtful, shove pictures of their new life or partners in the others face...to feel like they've reclaimed power.

 

it helps to reconsider this idea that relationships operate in such a narrow dynamic, one of powerful-powerless. many people feel that they do, simply because the need for the position of power dominates relationships in power-over cultures, from the sandbox to the graveyard plot. but really, it shouldn't be what relationships are. noone should be trying to gain the upper hand or the position of power anyway. it's not a battle ground.

 

it is natural to not want to feel helpless though, and to be frustrated by helplessness. so do something for yourself that will remind you you're in charge of yourself and your life, and that your power isn't something others give you if they are kind enough, it's just yours to begin with, and to the end. you'll be indifferent to her pretty soon, because her decision won't affect what you experience in life then.

[LordRorek]

I never thought about it like that but your right I did feel powerless because I had my ability to react and by extension my power to to influence the situation taken from me.

 

You see her parents are extremely controlling and so she moved in with me and my family but when she moved in she missed her family and wanted to be back with them again.

 

You see because she broke up with me over the phone I could hear them in the background encouraging her to be mean and cruel to me. So I know they had a hand in her deciding to leave me.

 

So from what I know I think she is just a sheep who follows whoever she is around. When she was with them she acted like them yet when she was with me she acted like the woman I loved so I dont know which is the real her? Maybe she doesnt even know?

[RainyCoast]

You see her parents are extremely controlling and so she moved in with me and my family but when she moved in she missed her family and wanted to be back with them again.

 

You see because she broke up with me over the phone I could hear them in the background encouraging her to be mean and cruel to me. So I know they had a hand in her deciding to leave me.

yeah, i do think she doesn't even know who she is. controlling parents do have this effect of coercion, and create enmeshment to the point where the child, even the a grown up child, doesn't feel like their own person, but maybe just another vessel for their parent to express themselves through, a marionette in the parents' hands. it may take many years for people to learn to stand up for themselves, and to not feel excessively responsible for the family.

 

that is sad, that her family dynamics is like that. i would take that into account, that she hasn't yet had help to deal with the enmeshment. it doesn't change things, but maybe it helps you accept it, as it does sound it wasn't her dissatisfaction with you, or that she thinks you don't deserve an answer. it's that she feels like she owes it to them to do their bidding, give up her own life and happiness for their comfort. children in enmeshed families don't grow up when they biologically grow up. individuation may take very long for them.

[LordRorek]

I know I kinda flip flop between feeling sorry for her and her situation and wishing for her to burn in hell.

 

I guess it's just difficult to come to terms with the fact that someone I loved so much and who my family accepted could do something so cruel to me and my family. I mean one day she is like "i'm going to go be honest with them for you because I love you" and the next day she is like "I cant keep hurting them anymore and I dont want to be with you and you're retarded brother." (My older brother has severe autism).

 

My mother always told me that forgiving someone just means you dont want them to burn in hell and I dont want that anymore. So I made the decision not too long ago to forgive her even though I am still very angry and still pray to god for justice.

 

I define justice and vengance differently jusice to me is that she comes to know my pain and truly understands my situation but vengance is that she suffers as much as possible for the pain she caused me, if that makes any sense?

[RainyCoast]

i would take it further by suggesting justice involves ethics and empathy, and so, if i prayed for that, i would want her to understand others because it involves growth, and that allows us healthier relationships and more fulfilling lives, which would be best for her and others. so i guess, "I want her to know this pain" not because it would be fair that he who hurts gets to hurt equally (that would be punitive and again limits our interpersonal experience to the aspect of power- it's balance or imbalance), but because it would serve a good purpose. a mistake has served a purpose when it has resulted in growth methinks. (for example, i can't find any justice in the way my mum lived and died. that makes it harder to move on after her death. but the closest to justice or meaning that i can find in it is that i have seen how badly people can suffer in life and on their death bed if they don't have proper help, and so i now know just how important it is to help myself and others, seek it and offer it. it has served some purpose, to witness her suffering then. it feels a bit like closure too, now that i think of it).

 

if i wanted to feel like justice has been reinstated in my life, after having been unjustly abandoned without a word, i would ask help putting this experience to a good use by treating myself well enough for the treatment of others to not have so much effect on me for example. or i could ask help remembering that people who hadn't gotten help for the harm they've experienced can inadvertently end up hurting others with their weaknesses, and that i have the choice to help myself through my pain, to try to be as mindful and aware as possible so that my weaknesses don't sabotage my happiness or that of others. you can really get creative and philosophical here to form your prayers or thoughts in such a way that they neutralize the anger. maybe talking to a pastor would help and he'd have more suggestions, if that sounds like something you'd like.

 

i can't believe she said that about your brother though. i hope she wasn't usually so disrespectful, especially to people who take her in?

 

I guess it's just difficult to come to terms with the fact that someone I loved so much and who my family accepted could do something so cruel to me and my family.

in effect it was cruel by intent, it wasn't. imagine the amount of control her family has on her if they raised her to believe that it is more cruel to live her own happy and fulfilling life, then it is to abandon it, hurt someone else in the process, for their comfort. usually the level of guilt-tripping is insane. they have the child convinced he or she is a monster if they are independent, and that their happiness automatically prevents the parents from experiencing happiness, and that the parents are more entitled to it, thus she is required to be their puppet.

[LordRorek]

i have the choice to help myself through my pain, to try to be as mindful and aware as possible so that my weaknesses don't sabotage my happiness or that of others.

I completely agree with your assessment here tha't part of the reason I have only recently started dating again (the break up was about a year ago) because I didn't want my own issues to cause undue pain and suffering to those who are not responsible said pain and suffering.

 

You also hit the nail on the head as far as justice is concerned. While I partially do want her to hurt like she hurt me the other part is that I want her through knowing my pain to learn to never inflict that pain on aynone else.

 

i can't believe she said that about your brother though. i hope she wasn't usually so disrespectful, especially to people who take her in?

No she had never said anything like that before but it was still extremely hurtful especially for my mother.

 

in effect it was cruel by intent, it wasn't.

When I say cruel I meant the actions were cruel not the intention behind said actions.

 

I also want to say thank you so much for talking with me. You have helped quell alot of my anger just by helping me to understand why I was so stuck on the fact I never got to react to what happened and I was so angry at that fact. Now that I better understand where my anger is coming from I can better work on dealing wih it.

[RainyCoast]

that's great to hear!

 

anger is normal. we can't help having feelings. but it's important that you are working with them and putting them in perspective. it's okay that they're there, they just don't get to determine our actions. feeling angry when you remember the pain is okay, it will peter out. if you acted, lashed out in anger, that would be a problem.

 

give yourself time to process the feelings, read, talk, write here. you're not acting on them, so there's no sense of urgency attached to becoming comfortable with what happened immediately.

[rich46]

That comment she made about your brother should be all the closure you need.

 

Believe me, I had even less closure than you with my last break up - just a disappearing act after three years together! But I never chased after her.

 

Once dumpers have made their minds up, there is no point running after them for answers as often, they don't have them themselves. It just pushes them further away, and they will start to resent you for not respecting their wishes, and they may even get angry and lash out if you continue.

 

Unclear if your ex's comment about your brother came before or after the break up, but in any case, it is not unusual to see a totally different side to your ex in the aftermath as their defenses are well and truly raised...self defense mechanisms in full swing. And you won't be able to penetrate them, so no point even trying!

 

The way a relationship ends can affect how long it takes to heal, and you will have to find your own ways to deal with your built up anger and frustrations. I dealt with mine initially by visiting a therapist to get everything off my chest, and just that one session helped soooo much. After going through everything in so much detail, she looked at me and said "Richard, why are you blaming yourself so much?" and just that one sentence made me feel so much better.

 

After that, I started looking at my own life and future instead of on the past, and I did so by travelling, studying, meeting new people, exercising, and gaining experiences that I wouldn't have had the opportunity to do had I still been in a relationship.

 

Slowly, with time, the need for "closure" began to fade, as it will with you, and you will realise that Rainy Coast's advice is so true:

your power isn't something others give you if they are kind enough, it's just yours to begin with

[Wiseman2]

This is not closure. Closure comes from accepting it's over not hounding her for answers.

ask the questions I wanted to ask or yell or scream or anything.

[LordRorek]

This is not closure. Closure comes from accepting it's over not hounding her for answers.

 

Yeah, I realize that and I'm not hounding her for any answers I have accepted the fact but I am angry at her for not letting me say my piece.

[No1]

I feel your frustrations, its only human nature to know what happened. The problem is that you never got your say. "How to get closure?" question can be answered in so many ways. You can ask 100 people that question and get 100 different answers, so that question is more for you. But I think its not about closure but more about acceptance. How can you accept what happened and put this behind you especially when you have so many open ended questions?

 

I would say, just cool your jets. Acceptance is a wonderful goal to obtain. Part of that is just knowing that its okay to NOT have all the answers to your questions. Life does move on even if you have all the answers or not. Eventually you will get your answers, eventually. It might not be when you want it, but you will get them, so relax. Until then.. this is what you do.

 

Go with the what you will accept. You just didn't work out, she was crazy, you two were not meant to be and so on. Pick one and that's the one that you stay with. But know that it takes two to make things work and the reasons do not matter. You were a great partner and she is missing out. There is some lucky lady out there that will discover you and they are going to benefit from you. You and your X are on different paths.

 

Know that youll be okay.. relax, cool your jets and one day youll get your answers.

[RainyCoast]

But I think its not about closure but more about acceptance. How can you accept what happened and put this behind you especially when you have so many open ended questions?

this is a very helpful thing to keep in mind i think.

[Wiseman2]

Say it here or in therapy or in a journal or to friends and family, etc.. You have just as much right to say as she does not to hear it.

I am angry at her for not letting me say my piece.

[LordRorek]

Say it here or in therapy or in a journal or to friends and family, etc.. You have just as much right to say as she does not to hear it.

 

I have, I was just feeling stuck in my anger of not getting closure but because of RainyCoasts saying.

it makes you feel powerless, being denied the chance to react. I'm not saying people should scream or yell when dumped, but that to be given a chance to reply, to be involved in something that is happening to you, rather than having it done to you by someone, will make you feel helpless and powerless.

I now understand that she made me feel powerless and that's what I was really angry about not about getting my questions answered. Now that I understand why I am angry I now feel better equipped to address my anger and work to move past it.

 

P.S. I meant to I was angry rather than I am angry.

[Wiseman2]

She can't do that unless you give her power. So now is the time to stop doing that by thinking you need her to give you closure.

I now understand that she made me feel powerless

[LordRorek]

I know that now. I am not looking for closure anymore because that's not really what I wanted or why I was angry.

 

Because of RainyCoasts comment I understand my feelings and have put them into perspective.