William2488 Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 So a little back story: i am currently 20,male, studying at university, have a son, hes 19 months old. I have been with the babies mother in a 2 year relationship and we ended up braking up on mutual terms when my son was 10 months old. It was due to the fact that we argued too much and we both tried to move on after that. i still had feelings for her the entire time and we have just started to get back together after 9 months of being single. my problem i wanted to get help on was, that she has a few things planned for this year, such as weddings, trips for events and hen do's. I am student and working at the same time. i have 2 set days at which i pick him up regularly and do the same every week since i have tight schedule cause of work and university, the days were choosen in such way since she is attending college once a week and i need to have him on that day as no one else can simply look after him. its kind of inconvenient for me but its okay. She expects me to have my son on the times where she is going to events, but i have warned her that i might not be able to get days of work and neither may my mum. Basically warning her that i am not promising anything in terms that i will have him, just incase so she doesnt cause arguments. the thing that triggers me is that once she has plans and i say i might not be able to take him on the days she wants me to, she says i am his father and should be able to get days of work. To me it feels like she just throws him on me when she wants to go somewhere, i understand that she has him all the time but i have a busy life and even if i try my best i might not get the chance to help her out somehow. she also wont pay for nursery or someone to look after him. she makes out as though its my job to get him as she wants but she doesnt realise that i cant do that all the time. I love her, but when she just tries to push my son onto me when its convenient really winds me up and i dont know whether its worth to be in such a toxic relationship, i do love her, but shes dont these kind of things before and she doesnt understand what i mean and keeps hiding behind the fact that she has him for 5 days a week and keeps throwing some kind of excuse e.g. that i dont have him enough anyway or something to kind of make me feel bad. im i being in the wrong or is she being slightly irrational?
JaggerJim Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 No I don't think your in the wrong. You can't just take days off work to take care of your son. Life does not work that way. You two need to sit down together to focus on a new plan. Where are her parents?
charity Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Won't you have holidays from work at some point through the year?. I'm sure a compromise is possible here. She is entitled to be able to attend important events and as a couple you guys need to be able to work as a team. Right now it seems that no one is thinking 'what will WE do here?'.
Wiseman2 Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Yes agree. You are stressing each other out because of your schedules, being "too busy" to be parents and lack of asking for extra help from friends and relatives or babysitting options. You realize this is a power struggle that is residual and has nothing to do with your son or who'll be watching him?i am currently 20,male, studying at university, have a son, hes 19 months old. she says i am his father and should be able to get days of work. To me it feels like she just throws him on me when she wants to go somewhere, i understand that she has him all the time but i have a busy life. she also wont pay for nursery or someone to look after him
William2488 Posted February 21, 2017 Author Posted February 21, 2017 Her parents kind of help her out, i mean, her mum looks after him when its really necessary but they have an attitude just to kind of not give a , they say its mine and her child and not theres, therefore we should be the ones sorting things out instead. Like i understand she wants some time off, but she needs to get that i do actually go out of the way to help her on the days where she cant do it, and so do my parents.
William2488 Posted February 21, 2017 Author Posted February 21, 2017 Charity, i do, but because i dont work may hours, i only get 6 days off during the year, and i am already taking 2 days off in april for her event, and she has few more coming up and i cannot just use them all on the things she wants to do.
JaggerJim Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Well unfortuanately if she isn't interested in paying for a babysitter, and your stuck at work, then she's kinda out of luck. On "certain" days she "needs" to go out, can't you pay for a sitter so she can go?
Wiseman2 Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Interesting. It sounds like they are giving you a bit too much tough love. However, it's true you are both too young and busy yet decided to have a child and ultimately you two must sort this out for at least the next 18 yrs. Do you live with her parents or your parents? Maybe she needs you to be with him more. Don't make it about her make it about your son.they say its mine and her child and not theres, therefore we should be the ones sorting things out instead. Like i understand she wants some time off, but she needs to get that i do actually go out of the way to help her on the days where she cant do it, and so do my parents.
William2488 Posted February 21, 2017 Author Posted February 21, 2017 i would mind paying for a babysitter or something, when its something important that she needs to attend like weddings or college related events, but going on a weekend just to get drunk, i dont really think thats on the cards, thats something that can be arranged for any other day of the week and is not a must at all.
JaggerJim Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Aaaaa. Now we get to the root of the problem. Fair enough. I wouldn't pay for a sitter for that either. She's just going to have to work it out. You can only do what you can do.
William2488 Posted February 21, 2017 Author Posted February 21, 2017 Interesting. It sounds like they are giving you a bit too much tough love. However, it's true you are both too young and busy yet decided to have a child and ultimately you two must sort this out for at least the next 18 yrs. Do you live with her parents or your parents? Maybe she needs you to be with him more. Don't make it about her make it about your son. i live with my parents and she lives with hers, and i do try to make it about my son, but she just doesnt understand my point of view ever, she thinks shes the one stuck with him and apparently i always have free time and never help her out, althought i have a job and university which i spend most of my time on.
William2488 Posted February 21, 2017 Author Posted February 21, 2017 Aaaaa. Now we get to the root of the problem. Fair enough. I wouldn't pay for a sitter for that either. She's just going to have to work it out. You can only do what you can do. yeah, its a stupid thing, she has plans to go out to newcastle for a hen do, surely no rational person would pay for that.
j.man Posted February 21, 2017 Posted February 21, 2017 Bottom line is that your work and school are for your son. Your job provides for him now. Your school will provide for him better in the future. Of course she's entitled to some time off for leisure, but when you have a child, you forfeit being able to go to every wedding, event, and "hen do." Those are just the ropes. And if it happens a provider or the provider (not sure what your situation is) for the child can't get time off to watch the kid, or if it would be a financial strain to not work, that's that. I would ask her for a list of events and dates she would like to attend and which ones are most important to her so that you can present them to your employer to see if you can get time off for at least a few of them. But don't be afraid to tell her if you simply can't do it or can't afford to. Do you two have child support and visitation established? If you don't have visitation established, then you should. Considering your professional and academic life, it's not fair to tack on spontaneous visitation on top of it. A set schedule allows her a chance to regimen her extracirriculars and you a leg to stand on when you can't accommodate her pub crawls. I know it's not exactly romantic while you're trying to work things out with her and stay together, but until you two get around to playing house, it's best for you and, most of all, the child, to have consistency and stability.
William2488 Posted February 21, 2017 Author Posted February 21, 2017 Bottom line is that your work and school are for your son. Your job provides for him now. Your school will provide for him better in the future. Of course she's entitled to some time off for leisure, but when you have a child, you forfeit being able to go to every wedding, event, and "hen do." Those are just the ropes. And if it happens a provider or the provider (not sure what your situation is) for the child can't get time off to watch the kid, or if it would be a financial strain to not work, that's that. I would ask her for a list of events and dates she would like to attend and which ones are most important to her so that you can present them to your employer to see if you can get time off for at least a few of them. But don't be afraid to tell her if you simply can't do it or can't afford to. Do you two have child support and visitation established? yeah that was my initial plan, tell me the dates and i will let you know, but she somehow expects every date to be met, and have the days off work, its just unrealistic. Most important thing, is whether we try to be together or not, cause this kind of behaviour of hers just really rips me apart and the way she presents it.
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