Boyfriend's depression/nihilism impacting me

[Manekineko8833]

My boyfriend and I have known eachother for 5 years, not too well during that time, but have now been together for nearly a year (we met online and lived long distance those 5 years.) I tend to gravitate toward sarcastic, dry humor types, which is how he is, little did I know it was shadowing his cyclical depression and anxiety.

 

He had a terrible childhood (abusive mother, absent father) and has turned out quite well considering. However, he is always depressed, extremely antisocial, absent minded because of it, and can NOT have fun or relax EVER. His libido is always shot, he is basically always miserable and nihilistic. He's calm but he's always sad, down, we never socialize or see anybody, and he always sees the dark lining of everything. I could say it's a nice day, and he'll say "yeah but just wait until it gets to be summer and way too hot." I could enjoy food from a new restaurant and he'll just say "ehh it's okay I guess." It doesn't help that he's also extremely judgmental, including of me. These are just small things...

 

He can get really nasty when I try to help, he immediately rejects any kind of support and brushes me off as "privileged and spoiled" therefore I know nothing. I've had better cards dealt in life, yes, but I try to be loving/caring, I don't ever pretend I am a psychologist or that I can be in his shoes, all I do is offer support and light suggestions. I used to like philosophy and Buddhism ideals (even breathing meditation) and he's shamed me on that to the point where I don't even remember any of it. I tried to suggest atleast some breathing meditation for anxiety and he was just really nasty about it, ridiculing me for being into nonsensical hippie pothead pseudoscience. I love him and could live with his medical issues, but I'm having trouble seeing a future with someone who doesn't even want to TRY to get help, or to try atleast any new approaches. I've offered to help pay for therapy, my parents have taken him in as their own and offer him all the help they can, but he is so distracted by his issues, he is unappreciative, seems to only care how he feels (yes, I'll even say extremely self-centered), and an overall Debbie downer. (I say this because he doesn't let me enjoy anything ether, it's like he subconsciously needs to bring me down.)

 

He currently lives with me, and we are hitting a fork in the road soon. He moved to a city he hates, which he points out regularly "for me," and will soon have an opportunity to move back with his ex roommate, wanting me to join. I can't see myself giving up my life here, and my family to be with someone who isn't willing to meet me halfway. He doesn't understand this, he doesn't realize when he's being selfish and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. My only hope is the fact that he wants to get back on medication...

 

I fully understand that he has actual depression and anxiety and it's not something you can simply will away, I understand it's genetic as well. But at what point do I take back my life? I feel like the dark cloud over his head is over mine too, and I've lost interest in all the things I once loved. I used to paint, draw, play guitar and piano, write songs, go to the beach, have drinks with friends, but now my life has become so dark with nothing but worrying about him and going to work, bed and repeat...

 

I guess I just need some help, advice or a nudge in the right direction, help!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry but what you are describing is mental abuse and gaslighting, not a philosophical difference. Read up on "red flags for abusers"

 

Let this negative jerk move back to his roommates asap and get him the hell out of your and your parents home. Stop playing social worker.

have now been together for nearly a year.

brushes me off as "privileged and spoiled"

he's shamed me

he was just really nasty

ridiculing me

my parents have taken him

he subconsciously needs to bring me down

he points out regularly "for me," and will soon have an opportunity to move back with his ex roommate.

[DancingFool]

I could say it's a nice day, and he'll say "yeah but just wait until it gets to be summer and way too hot." I could enjoy food from a new restaurant and he'll just say "ehh it's okay I guess." It doesn't help that he's also extremely judgmental, including of me. These are just small things...

 

He can get really nasty when I try to help, he immediately rejects any kind of support and brushes me off as "privileged and spoiled" therefore I know nothing.

 

I used to like philosophy and Buddhism ideals (even breathing meditation) and he's shamed me on that to the point where I don't even remember any of it.

 

I tried to suggest atleast some breathing meditation for anxiety and he was just really nasty about it, ridiculing me for being into nonsensical hippie pothead pseudoscience.

 

I've offered to help pay for therapy, my parents have taken him in as their own and offer him all the help they can, but he is so distracted by his issues, he is unappreciative, seems to only care how he feels (yes, I'll even say extremely self-centered), and an overall Debbie downer. (I say this because he doesn't let me enjoy anything ether, it's like he consciously and intentionally (fixed that for ya) needs to bring me down.)

 

He doesn't understand this, he doesn't realize when he's being selfish and there seems to be nothing I can do about it. (Oh but he does realize and you are absolutely correct that there is nothing you can do about it. He likes it just fine.) My only hope is the fact that he wants to get back on medication... (So you can only deal with him when he is medicated???)

 

I feel like the dark cloud over his head is over mine too, and I've lost interest in all the things I once loved. I used to paint, draw, play guitar and piano, write songs, go to the beach, have drinks with friends, but now my life has become so dark with nothing but worrying about him and going to work, bed and repeat...

 

Please read your own words back to yourself......

 

But at what point do I take back my life? Today. You kick this abusive nasty louse out of your life today and you may actually need some help yourself getting back on your feet. You are playing a very dangerous game of how low will you go just to have a guy in your life.

[nutbrownhare]

Many, many of us have abusive, deprived childhoods. We have no choice about that. However, we do have a choice about what we do with it as adults, and it sounds as though aggressive self-pity is one of your partner's favourite pastimes. Sure, the depression's there and it sucks - but he is actively resisting any efforts to alleviate it.

 

I had a long term relationship with someone like this; there were plenty of good aspects to the relationship, but after I'd got over the immediate shock of the breakup, I found that my background happiness levels just rose and rose. That was the point at which I realised how much of his bad humour I'd been absorbing. Ironically, he was the one who came from a wealthy, privileged background while I came from the poverty-stricken alcoholic family.

 

You two have got a natural breaking point coming up. Take it. This guy will bleed you of all your energy and joie de vivre if you let him. Don't be that girl!

[Matt3939]

Well you did it had to look up.

nihilistic.

At least I learned something new today.

Thanks

[Betterwithout]

Your post reads as "my partner is sucking the fun and soul out of me, and I want out, how do I do it?"

 

My question is: Why have you put up with this so long?

 

I totally get that he is suffering from depression and anxiety which affects many people, but his stubborn attitude about not getting help and criticizing your own wellness pursuits (meditation, etc) speaks volumes to his lack of love for you.

He needs help, but has to seek it himself.

You need out, and you will have to find a way before he consumes more of your years.

[randomer2000]

Definitely get over this as soon as possible. As a person who is similarly depressed a lot, I know how it can bounce off to someone else and make them equally miserable.

 

I urge you to try and get him the help he needs but also save yourself while you are at it. How attached to him are you? From the looks of it you do not want to be in this relationship either and I recommend you get out of it as soon as possible.

[Iggy5129]

Meditation isn't pseudoscience. There are actual scientific studies about how it changes your brain. Same with yoga.

 

But that's beside the point. You can't make anyone want help. He thinks the depression is who he is and until he realizes that isn't the case he will not be able to change.

 

Get back into meditating yourself. I think it will give you some clarity on the situation.

[Manekineko8833]

These all really help, I have nobody to talk to, so though the answer is obvious, it helps so much to reach out and have some encouragement. It's hard to be 100% logical when emotions are involved. There are aspects about him I love... He's honest, loyal, doesn't care for other females, and the stuff that's hard to find, but it doesn't excuse the terrible pain of everything else.

[smegz]

@ nutbrownhare I love your reply. OP please listen to this

[No1]

Youre not happy, He is not happy. A break up is just a matter of time, but no one has the guts to do it. You two are not married, soooooo.. why dont you be the adult and break up with him? From this day on, every day you spend together with him is just a day that you could of been with someone better.