Friend keeps cancelling

[butterfly45]

I have (or had) a really close friend at uni and we would have great get togethers every now and then. Only she has cancelled the last three. And this has been after me asking if we are still on rather than her getting in touch to let me know. The thing is she is always the first one to initiate contact and arrange the date in the first place, and she keeps saying 'I miss you, I need [name] time!', with all the sad smileys, including whenever she cancels which is so annoying. If you miss me that much how hard is it to keep one date free a month?

 

I've no idea what is going on...before we arranged the last get together she said she didn't want to 'ask in too much detail when I am free if it is a difficult subject'...I think she is referring to me finishing my PhD. But I reassured her that I am still at uni regularly and would really like to meet up. She can also get a bit moody if my boyfriend is around, if we have a group get together he will come to those but she will ask if we can have drinks on our own without him afterwards.

 

Any ideas or what to do next? I haven't replied to her last message cancelling.

[angrythoughts]

I say confront her about the canceling. Since you guys are close you should be able to open up to her about how you feel. Just be honest...

[nutbrownhare]

I had a friend like this. In the end I just let it gently drift, and now I haven't seen her for years, though we are friends on Facebook. I've noticed that nobody in her social circle seems to last very long, and mutual friends have had a similar experience to mine.

 

It depends how much you value the friendship; I personally prefer people who are reliable.

[Maye1]

I wonder why she would cancel all the time and then text you with "I miss you". She's sort of sending you mixed messages which of course, can be rather confusing. Because if someone genuinely did not want to hang out, one would assume that they would avoid saying things like "I miss you".

Sounds to me you need to be up front with her. I know of much more busier people with schedules literally booked weeks ahead for them, yet they still manage to fit in time with their mates once a month and not forget whats most important. If you're waiting months on end, it becomes a little obvious that shes not really making much effort.

 

I suggest being up front with her and ask what is going on. Though if you don't want to do that, then maybe its best to let this one slide with time. Other than that, there really isn't a lot you can do other than wait or play guessing games, and I don't think you appreciate those either, right?

 

I really hope that you both can work this out. Wish you the best

[nutbrownhare]

I wonder why she would cancel all the time and then text you with "I miss you". She's sort of sending you mixed messages which of course, can be rather confusing.

 

My ex-friend used to do this as well. I think a lot of the time, something else would have come up - particularly a date with a guy - which she'd just regard as a better option. But she liked to keep other friends hanging around in the background just in case she needed them.

[Maye1]

My ex-friend used to do this as well. I think a lot of the time, something else would have come up - particularly a date with a guy - which she'd just regard as a better option. But she liked to keep other friends hanging around in the background just in case she needed them.

 

Oh right. Well the fact that she liked to keep the friends in the background just in case she needed them is a bit of a shut out and not particularly how people want/need to be treated, nor does anyone deserve that.

[nutbrownhare]

Oh right. Well the fact that she liked to keep the friends in the background just in case she needed them is a bit of a shut out and not particularly how people want/need to be treated, nor does anyone deserve that.

 

There was one awful incident with a mutual friend; he'd just split up with his girlfriend and really needed a night out, and they'd arranged to go for a drink and a meal one Saturday. She phoned during the afternoon to say she had a bad stomach ache and needed to stay in, so, disappointed, he just accepted it.

 

A little while later they DID go out for a drink, and she was waxing lyrical about this new guy she'd met, and how she'd cancelled a meet with another guy, by telling him she had a stomach ache, so she could go out with the new one. The mutual friend asked her who the other guy had been and she responded "Oh, nobody important!" No, he was thinking - that was ME...

 

He cut contact with her after that. She couldn't understand it, but I didn't really feel that it was my business to tell her why.

[Maye1]

There was one awful incident with a mutual friend; he'd just split up with his girlfriend and really needed a night out, and they'd arranged to go for a drink and a meal one Saturday. She phoned during the afternoon to say she had a bad stomach ache and needed to stay in, so, disappointed, he just accepted it.

 

A little while later they DID go out for a drink, and she was waxing lyrical about this new guy she'd met, and how she'd cancelled a meet with another guy, by telling him she had a stomach ache, so she could go out with the new one. The mutual friend asked her who the other guy had been and she responded "Oh, nobody important!" No, he was thinking - that was ME...

 

He cut contact with her after that. She couldn't understand it, but I didn't really feel that it was my business to tell her why.

 

What a horrible situation! It's a good thing you weren't in the center of all of that, though. She sounds like someone you would have to keep an eye on..

[butterfly45]

Thank you for the suggestions and advice. I am not very good at confronting friends, I don't like feeling 'harassed' by people so I tend not to bug friends too much. I am okay with just letting things slide, I just don't know how to respond to future messages telling me she's missing me and suggesting another meet up, do you think just ignore?

[nutbrownhare]

I am okay with just letting things slide, I just don't know how to respond to future messages telling me she's missing me and suggesting another meet up, do you think just ignore?

 

Either that, or you can respond with "Miss you too, yes, we should meet sometime" and then not do anything about it. If she suggests specific dates, sorry but you're already busy - "Must arrange a date soon!"

[j.man]

I've never "confronted" a friend over something like this. Fact is she's a flake. It's sort of a take it or leave it kind of thing. Also a "fool me once" scenario. I've actually got a friend who I enjoy a lot but know better than to even try to set a day and time with. Just is what it is.

 

One thing you could actually do is try to meet up in situations where it's no skin off your back if she doesn't come through. Maybe next time she asks, you can offer something along the lines of, "Hey, not going out too much with my program wrapping up, but if you wanna stop by, we can have some wine and catch up." And if she keeps to it, fine. If she doesn't, you can always just keep studying or doing what needs doing around the house.

 

Or you can be more upfront and let her know you don't have enough spare time to be able to make plans that only get cancelled. Personally, though, after three cancellations in a row, I wouldn't be putting any stake in there not being yet another repeat of the same regardless of whether you confront her or not.

[Wiseman2]

Plan to see each other one-on-one rather than drag your bf along or meet in a group. Has she canceled after you mentioned he would be tagging along like a third wheel?

She can also get a bit moody if my boyfriend is around, if we have a group get together he will come to those but she will ask if we can have drinks on our own without him afterwards.

[butterfly45]

Plan to see each other one-on-one rather than drag your bf along or meet in a group. Has she canceled after you mentioned he would be tagging along like a third wheel?

 

I don't "drag" my boyfriend when I meet her one on one. My boyfriend comes to birthday parties, group get togethers etc. She doesn't back out of group stuff, just the last three meet ups that were supposed to be just me and her.

[catfeeder]

Thank you for the suggestions and advice. I am not very good at confronting friends, I don't like feeling 'harassed' by people so I tend not to bug friends too much. I am okay with just letting things slide, I just don't know how to respond to future messages telling me she's missing me and suggesting another meet up, do you think just ignore?

 

I'd respond, "Honey, you can't possibly miss me that much, you've cancelled our last 3 dates. How about if you let me know when you'd like to come here to visit me?"