NC too late in the game? What's going on here?

[Hds2014]

Hey all,

 

I'm new to this forum but have been watching silently for a few weeks now and decided to lay my situation on the table for some opinions as I don't have many from a 3rd party who isn't biased.

 

Long story short I was in a relationship with a girl for a little over a year who I connected with on a whole other level. I just turned 26 and she is 22 but has been through a plethora of trauma in her life which has made her stronger and more mature than me at times. We were best friends and literally never fought for most of our relationship. She was there for me through so much and was always kind and honest. We were totally in love and my parents and family even loved her. I'd had toxic relationships with my prior exes but this was a whole new deal of healthy for me which may be why it is so hard for me to let it go.

 

Anyway after our 1 year anniversary she started to slowly become distant as she is in her last semester at university and it's basically becoming time for her to make some huge life choices. On top of that she's totally obsessed with getting perfect grades which isn't necessarily a bad thing but it causes her a lot of stress. Because of the stress she tried to find some after school stuff to do, got into dance, filled her schedule to the point where she basically was burning out and had no time to balance a relationship on top of it anymore and that's where problems began to arise.

 

First she came to me wanting space after I confronted her about us hardly ever seeing each other, which I tried but ultimately this lead to us actually breaking up (and I don't really believe in "breaks" anyway.) I became totally bitter because I had grown somewhat codependent on her (I've realized this now, amongst other things.) and lashed out for a few days. She then told me she feels she can't be there for me emotionally 100% right now. My increasing depression during this time, I think, freaked her out. This eventually lead to us not talking for about 5 days until she contacted me telling me she wants me in her life and still loves me and to please be a friend for her for right now.

 

This kind of limbo has gone of for about 5 months. In the beginning I did the same things you all have..I begged, sent her long messages, called crying, tried my best to be a friend to her but still couldn't put the passion aside. I just couldn't fathom why this girl blocked me out all of a sudden when prior we had talked about our future after her graduating and even marriage. I wanted to do whatever I could to make her want me again. And when I didn't get it, I got totally frustrated. Only once or twice did I actually get angry and kind of belittle her character all of which I have already apologized for and all of which happened within the first month or so. Since then things have calmed down and she has told me she knows I didn't mean those things.

 

About 3 weeks ago she started texting me kind of reminiscing about our past and flirting with me, all of which gave me false hope. We met up once, went to a movie, and she continued texting me for a few days. I kept it light and was very excited that this may be some kind of reconciliation. However I made the MISTAKE of calling her out on it a few days later when I was out of town after she stopped acting the same. I basically asked her why she was sending me relationship type stuff again because I was curious and she pulled back saying she didn't think she was that much and that I was doing it more than her and that she can stop if I need her to. Overall I think this pushed her away all over again.

 

Since that confrontation I haven't heard much from her or talked to her. I went on a vacation recently and heard from her twice, never to ask how I was or really talk to me, only to vent about school or her friends...she's seeking emotional support without ever supporting me even as a friend. So last week I told her I can't be a friend to someone who is never there for me and only contacts me in times of need, and long story short she told me to "do what I need to do" because she has way too much go worry about right now besides any relationship. And to "think whatever I want because she knows she still cares."

 

This is the jist of everything that has happened. We never had a huge fallout. No one cheated. Neither of us are talking to anyone new (that I know of, she insists relationships aren't even on her radar.) I really just want to trust that someone can honestly need time to focus on school and life without any hidden vindictive reason behind it. Any time I've asked her about how she feels it's the same thing (she still loves me and misses me but right now she doesn't want a relationship with anyone because she has to focus on her future.) I know all of this is somewhat selfish of me but I just wish we could've stayed together through her struggle.

 

Overall my question now is do you think I'm choosing to go NC too late in the game? Almost 5 months later? It's been about a week now and I haven't heard a peep from her and I've m not said a thing. I do still have her on Snapchat and no where else but made a minor mistake of viewing her story and it's always just of her hanging out with friends who are of no threat to me or possibilities of rebounds. People she claimed to not really like prior so I'm thinking maybe she's just trying to stay busy. I don't plan on watching anymore but want to leave it open as a means of contact for her. Do you guys consider Snapchat breaking NC? I never post anything for her to see and never will.

 

I guess I finally just realized after literally trying everything else that I never actually gave her the space she initially asked for nor any time to MISS ME. (major realization and literally may be what all of us have needed all along.) I plan on pushing forward with NC because as much as it sucks I am starting to feel like myself again and like I can live without her even if I don't want to. I know NC is used to move forward which is what I want because if she ever does come back I need to be more stable but overall what do you guys think about this situation? What are your opinions on girls saying they can't focus on anything besides school? I feel she's so self absorbed she really CANT see she has taken me for granted.

 

The reason I have hope is because we've never had a toxic relationship and she told me from the get go that if it is meant to be we will find a way back to one another. She graduates in May and most likely will move out of state which isn't too far off from now so I am trying my best to focus on myself and being happy alone in case my fear does come to life and she just up and leaves without any kind of reconciliation, which I know is one of many possibilities. She included me in moving prior but obviously we haven't talked about it in months.

 

Has anyone been in this kind of situation before? Or has anyone been in her position before and have any advice on how to go about this? I'd love to understand her side more as well without overthinking myself into believing this whole thing was just a way for her to let me down easy. She's the type of girl who I would think would've just told me to f**k off if that's what she wanted.

 

Thanks all.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, you're not on the same page. She clearly broke up and friendzoned you and you're interpreting it as reconciliation. Stay no contact.

she is 22 is in her last semester at university. she came to me wanting space after I confronted her about us hardly ever seeing each other, which I tried but ultimately this lead to us actually breaking up. feels she can't be there for me emotionally 100% right now. I told her I can't be a friend to someone who is never there for me. she told me to "do what I need to do" because she has way too much go worry about right now besides any relationship.

[Hds2014]

Hey man,

 

Yep I understand the friendzone stuff now which I'm kind of embarrassed that it took me so long to realize but I guess I just don't get the random period of a few days where she was literally sending me boyfriend related stuff. If it was anything though I guess I scared her off when I confronted her about it. Hopefully no contact will be the best route. Seems the only one I have at this point.