Girlfriend of 9 months just texted me yesterday. Don't know what to think.

[PLane1375]

My girlfriend [25] broke up with me [24] 2 weeks ago. She was the one that decided to end the relationship. It happened pretty suddenly so I have been pretty upset and hurt over it for the past 2 weeks.

 

We go to school together, so we see each other in classes but she's kind of made it a point then to avoid me, other than the occasional wave hello for the past 2 weeks.

 

Yesterday she texted me out of the blue, and asked me how I was doing and what I was up to, just small talk. It struck me as kind of odd, since she spent so long avoiding me.

 

So today, I asked her if she had something on her mind when she texted me yesterday. I asked her if she had thought about the relationship at all, and she said "yes, but I haven't really changed my mind." She also said "I miss spending time with you, but I doesn't know if things will change."

 

We started out as good friends before getting together, and I know she still wants to be friends, but I'm obviously not over her yet, and I let her know that. I told her it'd be hard for me to spend time with her right now, and that I just need more time to move on. The relationship had gotten pretty serious in that 8 months. We met each other's parents and what not.

 

Is she still not sure or does she really just want to be friends? She's never given a definitive "no I won't change my mind" or "Things won't change". She always uses words like "I haven't really changed my mind" or "I don't think things will change", and I keep getting hung up on that.

 

What do you guys think? Is it strange that she told me she missed spending time with me just two weeks after a break up? If there's still hope there, of course I don't want to give up yet, but I want to move on too if need be, and as soon as possible, these past 2 weeks have been really difficult.

[Naomi99]

Did she give you a reason why she wanted to end the relationship?

[Almira23]

I think she is throwing you crumbs. I don't find it fair when ex's pry back into your life when the relationship has already ended. It's up to you if you want to stick around and wait for her to change her mind, but how will this beneficial to you?

She texted you due to a number of things: feelings of guilt, boredom, curiosity about your state of emotions, etc.

I would just text her and let her know to stop contacting you and let you move on. I would let her know that if she has no intention of repairing the relationship then it's best for you two to quit speaking.

[PLane1375]

Yeah. She said she lost interest recently because she thought I had low self esteem and not many aspirations.

 

I personally thought it was pretty unfair. We're both in pharmacy school, so it's not like I have all of this freedom to be exploring by goals and interests currently. Perhaps she was just coming up with something to explain that she doesn't love me anymore.

[PLane1375]

Did she give you a reason why she wanted to end the relationship?

 

Yeah. She said she lost interest recently because she thought I had low self esteem and not many aspirations.

 

I personally thought it was pretty unfair. We're both in pharmacy school, so it's not like I have all of this freedom to be exploring by goals and interests currently. Perhaps she was just coming up with something to explain that she doesn't love me anymore.

[mustlovedogs]

Yeah. She said she lost interest recently because she thought I had low self esteem and not many aspirations.

 

I personally thought it was pretty unfair. We're both in pharmacy school, so it's not like I have all of this freedom to be exploring by goals and interests currently. Perhaps she was just coming up with something to explain that she doesn't love me anymore.

 

Are you working hard in school? are you getting good grades? Do you mope about a lot?

 

Simply being in school doesn't equate to having aspirations. It could be an excuse, of course, but you should look at your life and see if it has merit.

[Krankor]

I would just tell her that if she ever changes her mind about the breakup to let you know. Otherwise you'd prefer not to hear from her. Go no contact yourself and begin to move on with your life. I know it's really hard but it's the only thing to do.

 

Don't respond to breadcrumbs.

[Naomi99]

She made the decision to break up, and it's up to you to enforce her decision, and that includes when she comes boo-hooing to you.

 

If you take her back, it will only validate in her mind you've not many aspirations to branch out -- whether in life experience or new relationships.

 

Be strong!

[RainyCoast]

they do this because they know you care about them. then they throw a crumb like almira said, assuming you value yourself so little and your demands for reciprocity are so low that you will provide the warmth, ego validation by liking them, perhaps emotional support and companionship to the detriment of your feelings and chances of exploring a reciprocal relationship with someone else.

 

block. don't talk to her.

[PLane1375]

Are you working hard in school? are you getting good grades? Do you mope about a lot?

 

Simply being in school doesn't equate to having aspirations. It could be an excuse, of course, but you should look at your life and see if it has merit.

 

I'm not top of my class but I'm definitely not the worst either. And no, she's never seen me mope.

[PLane1375]

She made the decision to break up, and it's up to you to enforce her decision, and that includes when she comes boo-hooing to you.

 

If you take her back, it will only validate in her mind you've not many aspirations to branch out -- whether in life experience or new relationships.

 

Be strong!

 

Ok, I'll try. It's just really difficult right now. We used to spend all of our time together at school, and since the break up, I'm pretty much alone the entire day at school. We kind of had the same circle of friends so they all stay away from me now cause it's too awkward I guess...

[annie24]

I agree with the others - these are breadcrumbs. Some dumpers like to do that - sometimes to toy with their ex, even unknowingly. Anything short of "I want to get back together with you" needs to be ignored. "I miss you" - meh - if they really miss you, they can get back together with you.

[PLane1375]

I agree with the others - these are breadcrumbs. Some dumpers like to do that - sometimes to toy with their ex, even unknowingly. Anything short of "I want to get back together with you" needs to be ignored. "I miss you" - meh - if they really miss you, they can get back together with you.

 

Brutal, but fair.

 

But if she wants to spend time together, do you think it would be worth it to accept to maybe try and reconcile the relationship a bit? She's a very reserved person, I don't think she'll ever straight up say "I want to get back together".

[Naomi99]

 

But if she wants to spend time together, do you think it would be worth it to accept to maybe try and reconcile the relationship a bit? She's a very reserved person, I don't think she'll ever straight up say "I want to get back together".

 

I think you should turn the tables on her. If she wants to spend time with you, YOU say, "Sure, I'll spend time with you but that doesn't mean I want to be your BF again. I'm going to take your advice and pursue other activities and I don't have much time for you."

[annie24]

Brutal, but fair.

 

But if she wants to spend time together, do you think it would be worth it to accept to maybe try and reconcile the relationship a bit? She's a very reserved person, I don't think she'll ever straight up say "I want to get back together".

 

I think spending time together can even backfire because then she doesn't have the space to miss you. If she can see you when she is in the mood, what incentive is there to get back together?

[PLane1375]

I think spending time together can even backfire because then she doesn't have the space to miss you. If she can see you when she is in the mood, what incentive is there to get back together?

 

That's a good point too. ughhhh this is frustrating...so many moving parts....

[Naomi99]

That's a good point too. ughhhh this is frustrating...so many moving parts....

 

Well, you don't have to do anything right now because she hasn't even asked to hang out.

 

When in doubt, do nothing.

[Milwaukeecasey]

She contacted you in private with a message right? You ask her out to do something, but be hesitant, meaning leave her alone for a few days and ask when you are ready. Don't chit chat over texts and garbage phone calls. You do in fact want to see her right? Be blunt and to your point, don't tell her where youre going if you pick her up, and if she asks to meet, then just meet somewhere but take her somewhere else after you meet, and make sure YOU DRIVE to the second location.

 

She contacts you, its either you take her out on a date, or otherwise you look to take some other girl out on a date. YOU CANNOT BE A WUSS! Show her a good time and man up, otherwise you can keep footing around and get nowhere. It is all your choice you know. Its simple, #1. She contacts you and you ask her out, if she doesn't want to or responds she is busy, then let her go. #2 You ask her out, and she responds then make a date with her and treat her out to a fun time and make it a fun night. #3 keep over thinking it and keep doing what you are doing and get nowhere.

 

You talk to her during your date, not via phone.

 

Grow a set and get your woman back if you want her, that's my advice. Just make sure you pay special attention to her when you are out on your date and not beforehand. Goal is to show her a fun and good time, you do this over and over again, not only do you feel good about yourself..........just think how your woman feels!

[PLane1375]

She contacted you in private with a message right? You ask her out to do something, but be hesitant, meaning leave her alone for a few days and ask when you are ready. Don't chit chat over texts and garbage phone calls. You do in fact want to see her right? Be blunt and to your point, don't tell her where youre going if you pick her up, and if she asks to meet, then just meet somewhere but take her somewhere else after you meet, and make sure YOU DRIVE to the second location.

 

She contacts you, its either you take her out on a date, or otherwise you look to take some other girl out on a date. YOU CANNOT BE A WUSS! Show her a good time and man up, otherwise you can keep footing around and get nowhere. It is all your choice you know. Its simple, #1. She contacts you and you ask her out, if she doesn't want to or responds she is busy, then let her go. #2 You ask her out, and she responds then make a date with her and treat her out to a fun time and make it a fun night. #3 keep over thinking it and keep doing what you are doing and get nowhere.

 

You talk to her during your date, not via phone.

 

Grow a set and get your woman back if you want her, that's my advice. Just make sure you pay special attention to her when you are out on your date and not beforehand. Goal is to show her a fun and good time, you do this over and over again, not only do you feel good about yourself..........just think how your woman feels!

 

Thanks for your advice. It's a viewpoint that I don't see very often here.

 

I agree that love is something that people should fight for, but I also agree that I need to move on first (and better myself as a person) before I can start fighting for her again (if I choose to).

 

Have you been successful before with the advice you gave me?

[argo313]

What the replies I've read here fail to take into account is that it's often just as difficult for the person who ends a relationship as it is for the partner who is left. If it isn't then that person in all likelihood wasn't someone who should ever have been in that, or maybe any, relationship.

Consider this: there was something about you that made her want to be with you in the first place. At some point that was no longer the case. Maybe you changed, maybe she did. It doesn't matter. She can still feel nostalgia for the part of the relationship that made her want to be with you without wanting to go back to a full-on relationship. Now you clearly want to regain the latter part of the relationship which you thought was good but she didn't. Your desires appear to be in opposition to one another's. You can talk about it with each other (which you should have been doing throughout the relationship) and try to reach some happy midpoint between relationship and friendship but I suspect that's not really a possibility for you. Not yet. It's just too soon.

If I were you I'd make it clear that I wasn't capable of returning to the "Just Friends" headspace at the moment and then I'd break off any nonessential contact for however long it takes for you to get your thoughts and emotions in a better place. And by 'however long' I seriously mean however long. It once took me more than three years before I was able to see an ex as just a friend and even then she was the one who contacted me.

I believe that when you're in a relationship the well-being of the one you love should be your primary concern but once you're out of it your own health is of greatest importance. Take your time to heal and realize that's not something you can do if either you or she keeps peeling the bandage off to see how you're progressing.

[Doc Blaze]

Tread carefully...

 

 

A lot of people go through this period where some miss the relationship stuff but they don't actually want the person back,

 

 

things will look good, maybe for a couple weeks, couple months, then that feeling will go away and things will go back to how it was before.

 

 

be careful not to fall back into that trap or it will hurt even more when they start to become distance and move on again.

[PLane1375]

So I kind of have an update for you guys.

 

After class today, we saw each other at the gym, and while I was working out she came over and we chatted a little bit, mostly about how miserable working out is, etc. I usually get frozen yogurt after workouts, so I told her that I was going and if she wanted to get some too. She said yes, so we walked there after the gym and got froyo. We just had small talk mostly a couple laughs here and there. It might just be how she is, but she would put her hand on me sometimes while we were talking, and she said maybe we could go watch a new movie later this week (with another friend).

 

It probably means nothing. I've been able to clear my head up in the past couple of days with everyone's help here. I know she wants to be friends still, but I need to move on also, and I think I'm starting to get into that process, even if I do still see her around and talk to her sometimes.

 

So now my question is, do I just straight up let go and give up on reconciling the relationship 100%? How do I know exactly when I should be giving up all hope and completely moving on?

 

Please understand that we were in love before. I think no matter how hard I try, there will still be something from that relationship left in me.

[boltnrun]

Can you truly be "friends" without wanting more?

 

What if someday soon she wants to go for froyo with you and the new guy she's dating? After all, that's what friends would do.

 

Would that bother you?

[PLane1375]

Can you truly be "friends" without wanting more?

 

What if someday soon she wants to go for froyo with you and the new guy she's dating? After all, that's what friends would do.

 

Would that bother you?

 

No I guess it wouldn't bother me. I'm already starting to drill it into my head that it's over for good, whether that may be true or not.

 

But when do I just give up completely? When will I know? I believe in working to try and fix things rather than just throwing it all away all at once.

 

So deep down in my soul I want her to reconsider her decision, but my mind knows that it's probably best to not hope for that and move on. But the fact that it's happened for many couples before makes me reluctant to just completely forget about it.

[Milwaukeecasey]

Sorry it took so long to reply, but yes it does work. I ended up getting back with the girl that ended up sending me here in the first place after years had passed. I made the same mistakes you are making right now thinking it would work, and no it doesn't.

 

You have to show her you are just fine without her, you have to also show that there are so many other girls out there that would love to be with you and you don't deserve to be treated like that.

 

Rule of thumb, show her you are taking your power back and she will have to go along with what you want and for you it sounds like you want her back. Let her know that right up front and don't beat around the bush about it. You either see her in a romantic way, or youre done! No friendship, no hanging out for lunch, no telephone or texts to see how eachother are. YOU ARE OUT!!

 

When I did this the to the woman that dumped me after she initiated contact I was quick and to the point and she caved and she understood what I was saying immediately even after a few years had passed. I asked her out, and her response was she wanted a weekend getaway, I told her that I would only see her for dating purposes and to see where it goes, and she gladly excepted and I then cut the conversation. She didn't want it any other way and she was happy how quick I put my foot down toward her. She dumped me in the first place because of weak beta male behavior, she was only interested when I was the one in charge. You think I will ever go back to such weak and pathetic behavior? HELL NO HAHA!

 

Act like the man and you get treated like one, you go into role reversal where she questions your manliness and she will wander off to find a guy that knows his stuff.

 

Try it out, let us know how it goes. Just wait to hear from her first is the key.