How to break up

[SB2234]

I am struggling to see a future with my boyfrend but feel unable to break up. We have had arguments recently where we get onto the topic of breaking up but I always feel guilty and that I should be trying harder. It's always me asking are you sure this is what you want and we end up staying together. We broke up last Spring for a couple of days but he begged for me back, threatening he was suicidal. I don't think I want the relationship anymore, but I feel so guilty and I also worry for my boyfriend. I don't know how to have a break up conversation. Face to face is the right thing to do but I end up feeling guilty and going back to square one. I also don't know how to initiate the conversation. I feel it would be a bit out of the blue if we were both in a normal mood, but at the same time I don't want to break up in an argument as emotions are heated and I'd probably end up feeling guilty and then staying together. I also then wonder if this is really what I want or if I've just got the idea of breaking up in my head. Has anyone else been in this situation? What would/ did you do?

[jah123]

Umm you just have to be completely honest with him. Just tell him how you really feel and that the relationship isn't working for you and that's about it. Don't say things like: "It's not you, it's me" or "I need space". Be honest, be tenacious. Of course breaking up might make you feel guilty but that's a normal thing, because you natrually want to avoid him being sad and begging you to come back.

When I was breaking up with a girl I just told her that I didn't feel this sparkle between me and her and I just couldn't change it. I couldn't force myself to be with her just in order to make her happy(because I wasn't happy). Be honest with him, tell him how you feel. It won't be easy, but what else can you do?

[j.man]

It would be great if breaking up entailed a calm handshake and a "farewell." Unfortunately, that doesn't tend to be the case when someone's heart is getting broken.

 

Yes, face-to-face is the most respectful way to go about it. However, if the love is gone, it's in both of your best interests to end it sooner than later, even if that means a phone call. While I've only ever broken up with a long-term girlfriend face-to-face, I've never considered it an entitlement. You'll get differing opinions on here, though. Some see it as a mortal sin not to.

 

But if he's threatening suicide, that's emotional manipulation, if not abuse. I think you're well within your rights to not have to deal with that in person. I'd suggest making sure you've got all the loose ends tied up such as any stuff you may have left at his place before initiating the breakup, that way you can make a clean break.

 

The one woman I was afraid might legit hurt herself, I ended up calling her sister prior to dumping her just to give her a heads up. You might want to reach out to a member of his family or a friend of his as well if you're really concerned he might. But leave it to them and don't take it upon yourself to make sure he's OK afterward. It's not your responsibility.

[SB2234]

I don't want to be too brutally honest, he knows the reasons as I have spoken to him about it many times before. I was thinking of doing it over phone, but he is mostly over my place. I'm finding it difficult to think of the right moment to have the conversation. The idea of it makes me really nervous, I might regret it

[Wiseman2]

This is manipulation. You need to end it and not feel guilty. Be kind, but firm that it's just not working. Then go strict no contact and delete/block him from everywhere, so you don't get sucked back in.

We broke up last Spring for a couple of days but he begged for me back, threatening he was suicidal.

[Ms Darcy]

If someone has threatened suicide, I think breaking up over the phone is ok. He seems like he might threaten it again to keep you with him.

[OldRomantic83]

Threatening suicide if you leave him...? The very definition of emotional blackmail...! At the end of the day, as selfish as it may sound, you are closest to yourself and need to guard your own wellbeing. I totally concur with the above, 'nice' breakups are few and far between and almost inevitably there will be heartbreak involved... he will likely try other similar things in order to keep you, clutching at straws if you will... usually I would say face to face is the best way of going about it, but in this instance I don't think you could be faulted by doing it by phone... seeing his facial expression will instantly affect you, and likely make you doubt your decisions - more so if you are feeling guilty about doing it in the first place. Do it, but do it nicely... as callous as it may sound, look after your feelings first and foremost... you'll be ok.

[SB2234]

Thank you all. I'd like to do it over phone but I would have to see him after. He is always borrowing my laptop or something that I would need to get back! Not sure whether to text and say can we talk, and then phone him?

[OldRomantic83]

"Can we talk..." is usually a precursor to a breakup, if he's clued up he'll know this and no doubt have his blackmail strategy cocked and loaded for when you call. If you're going to do it, don't lead up to it in that way - just call him and flat out tell him what you've told us here, remember in this instance your feelings are first and foremost, and you need to protect them. In saying that, only go ahead if you're 100% sure that this is what you want...

[SB2234]

Thank you for your advice. I did break up in the end but feel that I regret it now. I'm hoping this is just a normal feeling even if you instigated the break up? I don't want to too and throw with this and cause more pain to either of us