Clinginess, neediness and overcontrol - my thoughts

[jah123]

Hi.

 

After my last break-up my approach to relationships in general has changed..a lot! I remember times(not so long ago) when I used to be very clingy and needy with girls. I would always overreact, overcontrol somebody because I was afraid of being dumped. I'm not really sure why where my fears were coming from. Whenever I got together with somebody I would always consider this person "a perfect match" and I'd always be afraid of being dumped. That's why I used to restrict my partners from a lot of things like going out with friends, to dancing clubs, even driving a car lol..(because I was afraid of an accident). Of course - they would never actually listen to my "orders" and that's where all those arguments came from and that's why those girlfriends of mine became distant and eventually dumped me.

 

I've been through a couple better and worse relationships within last 2 years where I used to repeat this pattern: being clingy, needy, overreacting, arguing about minor things, restricting, etc. I was dumped by my last girlfriend(however she turned out to be a person that was jumping from one man to the other, so no regrets here). Few weeks ago I saw a daylight. I've realized something crucial: There is no point to control anybody or to be clingy and needy. You can't prevent somebody from doing a stupid thing(like cheating). If your partner wants to cheat, there's no such thing in the world that would prevent him/her from doing it. And all what clinginess and neediness do is pushing your partner away from you.

 

Now I have a totally different approach. I'm single now, I don't really care for getting a new girlfriend any soon, because I'm actually focusing on my work and in a relationship I'd probably feel a little bit overwhelmed. But If I had a girlfriend I'd never ever restrict her from going out or doing things she likes. If she for instance feels like cheating on me, then I can't prevent her from doing it. Of course - there is a way to prevent it: you just have to be a decent man and a great boyfriend. People cheat because they're fed up with their current relationship.

 

To sum up: I don't think that restricting a girl from doing stuff she likes or overcontrolling ever helped anybody in a relationships. It works just the opposite: It can ruin a pretty good relationship. (it ruined like 3 of mine). There's no point to be needy and clingy, because if your partner wants to do something stupid she/he will eventually do it no matter what you do.

[Brutal555]

Your happiness shouldn't depend on anyone. I realised this also. I started working on myself, working on doing things that I like, the way I like and wouldn't let anyone affect that. Having someone in your life is good, but they always need to know that you will be completely okay even IF they decide to leave.

[Dahl]

To sum up: I don't think that restricting a girl from doing stuff she likes or overcontrolling ever helped anybody in a relationships. It works just the opposite: It can ruin a pretty good relationship. (it ruined like 3 of mine). There's no point to be needy and clingy, because if your partner wants to do something stupid she/he will eventually do it no matter what you do.

 

Quite very well said. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

 

I hope you are doing well and I wish you luck.

[Andrina]

You start by choosing someone who seems to be a good risk for your heart, and take one day at a time to see if they meet all of your major needs. Make sure there are no red flags. It's all about compatibility of how two people prefer to be in a relationship. When you enter a relationship and will only be happy if the person changes, they are not the right one for you.

[jah123]

Well, yeah. The point is sometimes people overreact about little things like I used to overreact about my girlfriend driving a car which is a completely normal thing.

Of course, If your girlfriend is, let's say, a stripper then either you deal with it and accept it or you just look for somebody else.

[Ms Darcy]

The real test isn't when you are single. The real test is when you are in a relationship. It's easy to promise things when you are single. I certainly hope the next relationship is better for you!

[melancholy123]

The only person you can control is yourself. I hope you have truly seen the light and dont go back to being a clingy, controlling jerk or you are doomed to a life of unhappiness.

[jah123]

Yeah, I mean, being clingy can ruin a relationship in a pretty drastic way.

 

Trust, in my opinion, is a key to a great relationship. Well, trust and mental strength, because if somebody who you happened to trust hurt you, then it's crucial to stay calm and confident and just to be able to break-up with dignity and self-respect. Yeah, of course, a relationship relationship would be a real test, however I already know that I wouldn't repeat my mistakes. It's just..I've never been as self-aware of the problem as I am now.