Hurting after being dumped out of the blue - help!

[gemsc1990]

Hi all,

 

Me and my now ex-boyfriend were together for just over a year. It was a really healthy relationship, we communicated well, we laughed together, had a healthy sex life and regularlyassuredeach other of how much we loved each other.We had recently celebrated our first anniversary and had never had a proper argument (only a few veryminor disagreements that we always worked through)and I thought things were still on the up. I was so happy.

 

About two months ago he told me he wanted to move in together, booked a summer holiday to Greece together, and also asked what type of engagement rings I like because he would liketo proposein the near future. Fastforward three weeks ago - he asked me would I like to spend the weekend at his house cook a nice dinner together etc. I arrived on the Friday night and we were cuddling on his bed and laughing. He got quiet all of a sudden and I asked him was everything OK and he just blurted out 'No...I've lost the spark since about a month ago and I can't get it back. I don't know what else to do but break up'. I was naturally too shocked to speak and he started crying and blurting out how he was still in love with me and thought I was perfect and beautiful and a great girlfriend and couldn't bear the thought of me not being in his life...but he still thought breaking up was best. He helped me gather up all my things and brought me home and he hasn't spoken to me since.

 

I'm completely heartbroken, haven't slept properly in weeks and been crying a lot. I'm confused because I had no idea he was feeling this way as he seemed so happy and in love that night. On Thursday night he was making plans for our future and on Friday he broke up with me. If the spark was gone for him how can he still be in love with me and affectionate toward me and why was our sex life still so good? And if he only lost the spark a month ago, why didn't he talk to me - was it really a valid reason to break up over our first small rough patch after investing a year into our relationship and being otherwise so happy and in love?

 

I feel like I can't get closure from this or move on until I understand what happened. How was it even possible for him to do a complete emotional 180 in the space of a month? Has anyone been in a similar position or been on the other side of the situation(been the dumper). Any advice would be much appreciated.

 

Gemma x

[EJ22]

Hi Gemma,

 

Sorry to hear that you're hurting. I've been in a similar situation before and it was honestly one of the darkest periods of my life.

The hard answer is that you may never truly understand what happened. Your ex probably doesn't even really understand. It could be that there was someone else in the picture, or he could just be not ready/got cold feet. Perhaps he was being honest and felt like he had lost the spark and couldn't get it back. It easy when you're in love with someone to overlook little warning signs of them pulling away. The fact is, we could spend hours/weeks/months trying to analyse what happened, but in the end it won't change anything.

Try to put your energy into doing something about the things you can control: try not to contact him if you can, take some time for yourself, spend lots of time with friends and family, maybe even book a holiday for just yourself. In my experience it's best not to continue to idolise someone who is capable of hurting you like that and fundamentally letting you down. Just do whatever you need to for yourself at this point in time, because even if he does come back eventually, you'll want to know that you did everything you could to fully get over him.

Take comfort in the fact that he'll probably regret it-my ex did, and still does.

 

xxx

[angrythoughts]

Wow that sucks. I don't think any long lasting relationship will maintain this everlasting spark. Everything dies down eventually. Maybe over time he'll miss you and want to work things out again. For him to make all those future plans and dump you the next day is definitely a d--k move.

 

I know it sucks.... but not speaking to him is for the best. In the meantime go to your friends house and cry and vent if you need to. That's what I did lol.

[gemsc1990]

Thank you so much for this advice EJ, it is really much appreciated x

[gemsc1990]

Thanks angrythoughts x

[MissCanuck]

It is very odd that he went from talking about ring shopping and booking holidays and then turned around and broke it off. Perhaps someone else entered the picture and he knew it wasn't right to stay with you when his attention was drifting in another direction.

 

The truth is that if he were really still in love with you, he wouldn't have broken up with you. Something isn't adding up about his reasoning.

[gemsc1990]

Hi MissCanuck...I know things aren't adding up for me either and I think that's whats driving me crazy. It's weird because our whole relationship was so open and we've always been able to talk truthfully about issues so I was very surprised that he had kept the way he was feeling to himself to the point he thought breaking up was the only option just focussing on moving on and hopefully getting something positive out of it all now!

[Andrina]

You will never fully know what's in a person's mind, so don't think of this as your go-to for closure. The facts are the facts. He chose to walk away instead of caring enough and stay to pull out all of the stops to make things right. Past behavior predicts future behavior. I'd never take anyone back who ever dumped me. Just food for thought: don't know if this was your situation or not, but when you're in a relationship, always have a fulfilling life besides a bf. Keep up with your time with girlfriends, hobbies, interests, ongoing education, etc. When you don't make the man the sole center of your universe, you're a more interesting partner to that person and it's not smothering. I'm not saying you did any of this, just giving one reason men might walk away. Go no contact for closure. Eventually you will move on. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

[gemsc1990]

Hi Andrina, thanks so much for your advice - I don't think I could take him back after this anyway because I'd always wonder if his 'spark' was going to leave again! But lesson learned for the future x

[MissCanuck]

Hi MissCanuck...I know things aren't adding up for me either and I think that's whats driving me crazy. It's weird because our whole relationship was so open and we've always been able to talk truthfully about issues so I was very surprised that he had kept the way he was feeling to himself to the point he thought breaking up was the only option just focussing on moving on and hopefully getting something positive out of it all now!

 

No doubt you were left very hurt and confused. I can understand why!

 

Do you happen to know much about his relationship history, prior to meeting you?

[gemsc1990]

I know he has had a lot of girlfriends in the past but I think they were the one's who usually broke up with him after a couple of months for whatever reason, which I found odd because he was always a really great boyfriend when we were together. He never really stays single for long which is kinda scaring me as well because I definitely won't be ready to hear that he has a new girlfriend anytime soon.

[mcnn4]

Hi Gemma,

 

I'm so sorry to hear that. I am too currently going through a break up. My situation is different than yours though because there was no prospects of engagement involved and the relationship was not as serious but it all hurts the same.

 

I think the reasoning he gave could be a cop out for something bigger happening beneath. I would hate to suggest anything or make assumptions but it could be infidelity or maybe an ex of his recently got in contact with him and it's making him second guess his future with you.

 

Also, what your ex boyfriend says is kind of contradicting. If the spark is lost but he is still in love with you then what is this spark he's talking about? Usually when the spark isn't there anymore, it's because he had fallen out of love with you. So I seriously think that him losing the spark is not the real reason why he decided to end things.

 

I think at this point, implement NC (it's hard, I know) and then after maybe a month, ask for closure. By that time, he would probably be able to give you a more honest answer. But I'm afraid the real reason for break up is much harder to swallow than losing the spark. And right now, you probably are not stable enough to hear this type of information. Take care of yourself first, OP! We are all here for you.

 

xoxo

[gemsc1990]

Hi mcnn4, thanks so much for the kind words and I'm really sorry to hear about your recent break-up too - I hope you're holding up ok.

 

I have never been suspicious of any other girls as he always seemed so up front and trustworthy, but the past week has me doubting myself and wondering if there is anyone else in the background that led to the breakup because you're right - he completely contradicted himself in saying there was no spark but he was so in love with me still.

[twentysix]

I'm sorry that this happened to you! I'm currently going through a similar thing, but with my partner (and fiance) of nearly 6 years! He couldn't decide if he was still "in love" with me anymore or if he wanted to be with me just because it was comfortable and we'd been together so long.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that even after 6 years, I apparently didn't know him as well as I thought I did because I thought that everything was great and we were supposed to be planning a wedding soon but the truth was that he wanted out, and I had no idea.

 

When these things happen, I don't think there's anything wrong with us. I think it's them. I know that "it's not you, it's me" is a cliche, but sometimes cliches are cliches for a reason... because it's often true!

 

Head high.

[gemsc1990]

twentysix thank you so much for the kind words and I'm so sorry to hear about your break up - six years is a long time, I can't imagine how youre feeling *hugs*

 

I think you're right though, I know I tried my hardest to be the best partner I could be and I'm sure you were the same so there definitely wasn't anything wrong with us. I guess some men think the grass is greener elsewhere..

[BeachBonfires]

Just post some negative stuff about him he will get mad be jerk to you then you will get mad and then no feelings for both of you. Worked for me. LOL

[gemsc1990]

LOL beachbonfires that's some of the best advice I've been given

[Wiseman2]

Wow sorry to hear this happened. Did he meet someone else/get back with an ex? What was the 'small rough patch' about?

 

All the rings and future and moving in talk was way too much too soon and he probably scared himself with how overly fast this was going.

 

Stay no contact so you can heal and reflect. Often the reasons things happen become clear in retrospect.

he just blurted out 'No...I've lost the spark since about a month ago and I can't get it back. I don't know what else to do but break up'.-was it really a valid reason to break up over our first small rough patch

[PLane1375]

Pretty much same exact thing just happened to me a couple weeks ago. I thought everything was going great. We'd been together about 9 months, we'd look at pictures of houses and she'd show me what kind of rings she likes if I proposed, etc etc.

 

I dunno, sometime recently I guess she just lost interest. She said it was because my self esteem wasn't that great and I didn't really do anything outside of hanging out with her, but at no point did I ever see it bother the relationship or her to the point of breaking up with me. A couple days before breaking up with me she was showing me what kind of wedding dresses she likes and what carat ring she wanted. I guess she just really stopped loving me at some point.

 

Same thing happened to me too. We finished dinner, and were sitting on the bed watching a movie. She seemed kind of off, like she was quiet and laughing less at my jokes than usual. Then I asked her, "is everything ok?", and it just all fell apart from there. I've been in so much pain since then. I don't have an appetite, I can't get a good night's sleep, and I just feel so alone, especially cause we're still in school and we'd spend all our time together. Now I sit alone in class and just walk home by myself right after class ends. It hurts even more because I thought that I had finally found someone that accepted me for who I really was. She'd seen me at my worst, and still decided to be with me when I first asked her out. Everything was going incredibly, I really thought that she was the one. I put my whole heart into that relationship. I loved her so much and would have done anything for her.

 

Now I don't know what to do anymore. I feel hopeless. Every waking moment is just sadness. Even if I do somehow move on, I don't know how I can trust a girl I'm in a relationship with again, knowing that out of the blue, even if everything seems fine, I can be dumped.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling this too. It's almost unbearable for me.

[blindfold]

Hi Gemma. Relationships go through stages where you can keep your hands off each other to almost "just" being best friends without much spark. You know you're with the right person if this ebb and flow is recognised and feels natural, and if the spark comes back. It can be a matter of days but some couples go through it for years. There's a lot of pressure on couples to be "movie" couples nowadays, but that's not how loving relationships work. Your boyfriend/ex needs to understand that (maybe he's not matured or experienced enough to), and you need to as well. Alternatively, some people like "hot and quick" relationships that are all about passion and fade away as quickly as it started.

[gemsc1990]

Thank you everyone for your advice and support, you have no idea how much it has helped me rationalise things in my own head - when I first wrote on the forum i really wasn't coping good with the situation but it helps when people share their own experiences and views so thank you so much for that.

 

Platinum I'm really sorry that the same thing happened to you, it really sucks and I think In a way it's one of the hardest breakups because you don't see it coming and don't understand why it happened in the first place to try to fix it! Head up it'll get better for us

[shiner501]

OP, I have be in the same situation as you but in reverse; a woman did that to me. I was in an almost identical place to you. Almost always in these situations there is another person in the picture or he is not over an ex, or an ex has contacted him and he is now "confused".

Listen up; you are not a toy or yo-yo to be thrown away at a whim. YOU are a beautiful human being and you are not going to tolerate being treated like this. You MUST go completely no contact on that guy and move forward with your life. If he reaches out he must be the one to beg and plead to YOU and HE must do all the chasing and pursuing from now on.

Good luck, I do hope it works out for you.

[gemsc1990]

So a little update on the situation - I got in contact because I needed closure and he admitted for the past few months he 'loves me but isn't in love with me' ouch.

 

I asked why he's been talking about engagement rings etc and he said that all he wanted to do was spend the rest of his life with me and doesn't understand why he's fallen out of love. Also admitted he's been lying to me for the past few months and has been taking steroids for the gym behind my back (something I was very against due to risky side effects). So I guess I *kinda* got a bit of closure

[KantSleep]

Hi. I understand your need for more information. Sorry to hear that he fell out of love. The fact that he is on steroids could be part of this - first of all they can hurt his body and second of all they can result in mood swings. Not trying to blame the steroids, but you never know. Anyway, I guess it's time to move on and try to get over this guy. It must really hurt because you didn't see it coming. That is what seems most painful about your story. Don't let this incident drag you down - although I can see how giving someone your heart and trust, only to have it stepped on and not protected, will take some time to get over. Good luck.

[shiner501]

So a little update on the situation - I got in contact because I needed closure and he admitted for the past few months he 'loves me but isn't in love with me' ouch.

 

I asked why he's been talking about engagement rings etc and he said that all he wanted to do was spend the rest of his life with me and doesn't understand why he's fallen out of love. Also admitted he's been lying to me for the past few months and has been taking steroids for the gym behind my back (something I was very against due to risky side effects). So I guess I *kinda* got a bit of closure

There is no such thing as closure. It is a myth. Whatever "closure" you get will never be enough and will never satiate your need for answers. You are not together anymore. That is all the closure you need and it says EVERYTHING about what the other party thinks of you. Now move on with your life.