Can I change?

[Lynnsconfusd]

I'm so confused. So thisbis my first post and I really am not sure how to even ask this. So my common law spouse of almost 4 years has me very confused and I'm really not sure how to make this better.

 

So he is a bit of a tough nut. Most of the time we argue it's either because he is contradicting himself or he's over thinking the problem. For example:

He has an Anal fetish. He told me over a year and a half at least into our relationship. His explanation wasnt the best. But he muddled through. I dont believe that this is because he is gay. Its just something he is into. Thats not quite the problem. He is super ashamed of this thing he is into. Most of the time he get kinda drunk to want it. Now because he will be intoxicated. Sometimes it is super hard to read the signs. Or sometimes I'm just into it. I dont feel like strapping on a cpxk and thursting away. Sometimes it's hot and taboo. But not all the time. So in the past 4 days ive done it 3 times. And tonight he wanted it again. And I feel like I didn't sign up for having to be that way all the time. If anything I was trying to get him to be more vocal about his needs. But instead he will get mad that I asked him out right or didnt pick up the signs...

 

I guess my question is 3 good.

1) how do you tell someone that you don't want to please them that way all the time?

2) is it okay for me to be vocal about my own expectations towards this?

3) is my dislike for his reaction ok for me to push back on

[gebaird]

Every couple has to figure out what works for them in the bedroom. It either has to be mutually beneficial (both of you want it and enjoy it), or there has to be some kind of trade. If you are always doing the thing he wants, let him do something you want in exchange. You could set limits on the anal - like once or twice a week. Talk about these things outside the bedroom so it doesn't create problems in the moment. His reactions may be bad because the boundaries aren't set or understood, and his expectations (perhaps unreasonable from your perspective but perfectly reasonable from his) aren't being met. Be clear about what you like and don't like, want and don't want, and make sure your sex life isn't a source of resentment, revulsion, and power struggle.