Is it healthy to keep hope?

[jstudio]

Hello,

 

This is my first post. Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated. A few months ago, my 4-year relationship ended. We had been having problems for the last two. It wasn't healthy. In the last year, our intimacy went completely out the window and we eventually didn't sleep in the same bed. This caused me to become resentful. When we fought, we fought hard. It was emotionally abusive on my part, and he was doing nothing to help the situation. I'm an emotional person, and he is much more guarded. Still a loving person, but also cynical and cold.

Anyway, the breakup happened, and it was so hard for me when I realized he wasn't going to come back. We lived together as well, and I spent the last two months trying desperately to get him back. I have since moved out, and we had very little contact, I being the one who always initiates. He is cold and aloof.

One thing he has said repeatedly to me is: "I still love you, when things get better, we can go from there". Part of me has hope that he genuinely open to the possibility, but the other part of me wonders if he is just letting me down easy.

I'm so confused, and I haven't been in this much pain in years. A mutual friend tells me I need to move on and not let hope prevent me from meeting other people. I DON'T want that. I want him.

[CrystalBNY]

No It's not healthy to keep hope unless you're both planning on getting counseling so that those dysfunctional patterns will not continue

[milly007]

It is unhealthy if you live your life waiting for someone and your feelings are not reciprocated.

 

Yes, give yourself time to grieve and deal with the break-up. But part of this grieving process is moving on with your life.

 

Don't put your life on hold waiting for this guy, because if you do, you will live to regret it. Move on, build a life for yourself. Spend time with family and friends. Most importantly, do what makes you happy.

 

Break-ups can be tough, but as time goes on, you will feel better.

[jstudio]

Thank you both. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Just the fact the he has told me, "I still love you, and when things get better, we will go from there"... I just don't want to hold onto false hope. I also feel like I want to apologize for things I have said. Recently, I texted him and lashed out about him not loving me. Should I write to him and apologize? Or is it not a good idea?

[CrystalBNY]

Sounds like you need to first forgive yourself. Forgive yourself, you are not perfect and neither is he. Once you understand this, next step is take time to heal. Heartache is never easy but the sooner you accept that things are beyond your control the better off you will be. Nothing you do or say from here will be beneficial until you get into a more stable place emotionally and mentally.

[Mikess1978]

Thank you both. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Just the fact the he has told me, "I still love you, and when things get better, we will go from there"... I just don't want to hold onto false hope. I also feel like I want to apologize for things I have said. Recently, I texted him and lashed out about him not loving me. Should I write to him and apologize? Or is it not a good idea?

 

I am sorry if I am sounding negative but sometimes love is not enough. Keep your options open.

 

My wife always said to me that she loves me and she knows she will not find someone who would love her the way I did but it was not enough. She says it even when we are going through separation.

 

hope is good but be realistic. Words are never enough.

[jstudio]

These posts have already helped me more than you all know... It's going to be a long road. One of the things he has told me is that he wants me to find happiness, and if it's with him or not, I deserve to be happy. I believe he does too. Is it normal to be concerned all the time that he will find someone else? That is part of what is holding me hostage, and its combined with the hope we will eventually reconcile. I do believe he wants the best for me.. but there is a part of me that wants him to just tell me to off. In dealing with what might be considered "false hope", it's put me in a constant state of grief. It's like I want him to let me go, but I can't let him go. I have never experienced this kind-of love before. To Crystal... thank you. I really need to find a way to forgive myself for things that I have said and done. It's hard not to feel like if you had done something differently, or you said something that would have prevented it all from happening in the first place. He is not perfect either, but I know he did (or possibly still does love me), it's the doubt that pushed him out in the first place. The thing is, I kept pushing away, I broke up. When he didn't come back, and stuck to his guns, it came as a shock. It makes no sense. I want to love myself again (or possibly for the first time ever), and putting him in a position of hurting him with my past fears is what I think killed the relationship. Much love for all of your help, I do appreciate it.