He left for the second time...why?

[EJ22]

*Apologies for the long post*

 

My ex and I originally went out for 2 years during college. I've done other posts in the past about it but basically we had a great relationship; we were like two parts of the same whole, super happy, had so many weird connections and shared interests. He was my best friend, I was his. Everyone around us thought we were an amazing couple. Then he graduated (he was the year above) and went to work in the city, about an hour away. At his new job he started getting close with a girl, which I mentioned to him that I didn't like. Then all of a sudden we started having these big arguments about where we were headed in the future etc. as he was planning to go abroad to study/work.

 

It never occurred to me that he would actually leave, but after much heartache and tears (he hadn't cried during the course of our entire relationship) he told me that he wanted to break up, that he was only young and that even though he loved me 'before he even knew me', and 'like the rocks below', he had to let go. I asked him whether or not it was due to the other girl, he said no. He said that he it was because of the uncertainty of the future.

I didn't hear from him until 2 weeks later, in which he sent me a good wishes text, which I ignored. After the worst month of my life, which I mostly spent in bed and not eating, I decided to text him to meet up. We met up, and we both cried again and effectively re-hashed our break up. We periodically spoke, usually at my initiation, but mostly went no contact. In the spring, after around 9 weeks of not talking, I reached out to him; I was feeling a lot better (although nowhere near over it-tbh I was a mess the whole time-it had felt as though everything in my hands had evaporated into thin air) and interested to see what he was up to etc. We started speaking again then and continued every day from then on. At first he said that he didn't want a long term relationship still, but then he also started to say that breaking up with me was the biggest mistake of his life, and that he regretted it every day. he hadn't realised how unhappy he had been. We started to grow closer and closer until one day he suggested coming to see me at college. I agreed and he came. We had a perfect evening at a restaurant together, and he ended up staying the night at mine. He told me the next day that he'd been unhappy ever since we broke up and that he was in love with me. We continued talking until I finished my exams.

 

After I finished my exams, he was due to come and see me again (at this point he was definitely due to go overseas but I didn't care, I just wanted to be with him and he with me). I was happy, until my best friend told me that she'd heard he had slept with the girl I was worried about. I confronted him, of course, and he spilled it all. He cried and cried again, I shouted and screamed, but still no one could tear me away from him. No one, even though he'd lied repeatedly to my face about it, and continued to lie (first it was one time, then it was twice, then it was 7 or 8 times, then finally it was 7 or 8 times and they had also been on three or four dates). I still feel sick about it just typing it out. He said that she'd represented life beyond me, but then he'd quickly grown tired of her, found her less funny, interesting, intelligent and compatible with him. He broke it off. I wanted to accept it so badly, and i jumped headfirst into a relationship with him, even though we were going to be separated by an ocean. He assured me that it wouldn't happen again, that his happiness came from me, almost exclusively, and that he couldn't believe the way he had acted. he said we were meant to be together and he justed wanted me back so badly he would do anything. And we were happy. We were us again, despite the distance. Yes, it was hard but we coped, and it wasn't forever.

When I went to see him for two weeks last fall, we had a magical time. we had fights, yes, but i felt like that was normal given everything that had happened, as well as the fact we hadn't seen each other for four months. When I left, he held onto me so tightly, he said that it had felt as though I'd been there the whole time, as though no time had passed at all. He said he loved me and wanted to look after me.

 

After that however, he started to neglect texting me back. He'd reply with short, one word answers, and we'd fight about his communication problems. It was a busy time at work and he had people visiting, but still. Our fights escalated when he said that he wanted to take the majority of his time off work to spend with his family on the holiday of a lifetime. I could understand, but felt upset. Especially given that I felt I was making a lot of sacrifices to come see him, and see him at christmas etc. He said he began to feel resentful of me, and it was better that he just told me what he was going to do and for me to just accept it.

 

Our relationship was in a bad place, and neither of us were particularly happy, but we saw each other at Christmas and had a really special time. Looking back I know now that he was less loving and affectionate at times, but he also said that being with me 'felt like home', and that he'd remember how happy he felt when he was back at work, across the ocean. I also overheard him tell a family friend that i was the right person for him.

Our anniversary came up after he went back home, and he neglected to send me a card, despite the fact that I asked him repeatedly to send me one. All he said was 'happy anniversary'. I was livid, and we had an argument over facetime about his actions, and he basically said that he was unsure about us and it was manifesting itself in his actions. he couldn't be sure whether i was the one, and was worried he was in a doomed relationship. He said sometimes he felt like he really needed me, but other times he didn't at all, and in those moments he felt in control. The relationship hadn't made him happy very often for the past couple of months and he felt he was at a crossroads. He also said confusing things like, 'i know if we got married in the future we'd be happy', and 'you make me happy on so many levels', alongside worries that he had niggling doubts and worried if he left it for five years it would then be too late. he thought that we'd got back together too early, and that he had never addressed his problems. he did a lot of stuff that he 'wasn't proud of' and which still messes him up. he worried that we got back together because he wanted the stability of our old relationship back, and expressed concern that he hadn't got in contact with me the first time we broke up. after much soul searching, he said that he wanted to be the person who i remembered him as, he wanted to make me happy, and for us to be happy, he wanted to try. he said 'i don't just want out'. He wanted a break first to clear the air (just not talking for two weeks/a month, not seeing other people). I asked him what he was planning to do on the break to change his doubts, and he didn't know. He kept saying he wasn't sure i was the one (but that i could be) and so we broke up. I asked him if it felt like the right thing to do and he said 'I don't know, nothing feels right'.

 

I know i tried my hardest in the relationship, and even tried to be reassuring and understanding when he expressed doubts, so im dealing with the break up a lot better this time. I've only cried once in the weeks since we split. But it bothers me that he hasn't contacted me. i feel hollow and empty, I've lost my best friend and it feels more definite this time.

 

I know it was stupid to get back together when we did, but i loved him and wanted it so badly. I love him still, and can't seem to fully let go of the idea of a future with him, even though it seems absurd.

Also i feel as a context i should add that he's had really terrible relationship models from his family-none of them have had a successful partnership

 

I just want to know:

 

-why you think he did it? i worry it's because he didn't love me anymore.

-whether you think he'll regret it?

-whether you think he'll ever contact me again/want to try again in the future

-whether we could feasibly try again a couple of years down the line

-how i can try to move on

 

thank you for all of your help and advice xxxx