Volatile "Relationship"

[gebaird]

Hi,

 

I'm posting for a friend who was a little too nervous to post for herself. My friend, we'll all her Angela, recently went on a date with a guy we'll call Joe. She went into the date knowing absolutely nothing about Joe, but it went well and they ended up sleeping together.

 

Joe has a lot of struggles in his life. He has some pretty serious health concerns that he isn't getting treatment for, along with some financial issues and emotional instability. When he first got to know Angela, he told her that no woman wants to be with him and everyone abandons him, etc. Angela is a very compassionate person and wants to help Joe. She doesn't want to abandon him, but the volatility of the situation seems to be increasing. Sometimes Joe has angry outbursts, and sometimes they fight. He disappears for a day or two at a time, and when that happens she worries he's ended up in the hospital or dead. But then he comes back and acts like nothing happened.

 

It's only been about a month since Joe and Angela met. From my perspective, this situation is toxic, but Angela doesn't seem to want to cut Joe out of her life. She's been abandoned herself, and knows how awful it can feel. What would you advise her to do?

[Wiseman2]

Does he have a drug or drinking habit? She's mistaking intensity for "love". That compassion is really a selfish need to alleviate her boredom or pain and distract herself with this "project".

[j.man]

People tend to play savior / live vicariously through others for a reason. Between that and her being afraid to tell her story under complete anonymity, I don't think she should be trying to date anyone until she's focused on being happy with her own life rather than relying on fixing others.

 

But, yes, I'd say without question her situation is toxic.

[gebaird]

Does he have a drug or drinking habit?

 

Not that she has told me about, but it's certainly something that should be considered. Thank you.

[browneyedgirl36]

There are tons of red flags on this situation already:

 

*Serious health issues he's not getting help for;

*Angry outbursts;

*Disappearing;

*Emotional instability;

*Financial issues;

*Abandonment issues;

*Fast-tracking the relationship;

*Fighting after only ONE month of dating.

 

I'm sure I could find more, but this is a pretty long list for a VERY short relationship. My rule of thumb: If there's drama in the first few months, GET OUT OF IT. There should be NO drama in the first few months -- certainly no fighting. And, he sounds like he's got a TON of other issues (any one of which, on its own, might be enough to call off the relationship, but he's got all of them!)

 

Unhealthy people get into unhealthy relationships, so I'd be willing to bet that your friend has some issues, too (you mentioned she has abandonment issues, and there's probably more). She should run far away from this guy, but something tells me she won't.

[MissCanuck]

This will never work.

 

He needs to get himself healthy before he attempts a relationship. Your friend is playing caretaker right now and it's not a healthy or sustainable dynamic.

[catfeeder]

Joe is not relationship material. He's seeking someone sick and desperate enough to play his emotional red cross, and that's dangerous.

 

The women who walk away from this guy are doing him the best possible favor. They're teaching him that he own the same capacity as every other adult to reach for help and to use it responsibly. The guy is manipulating your friend by reaching for the 'abandonment' term. All adults being equal, he's not abandoned, he's running a con that won't work except on himself and the most gullible woman.

 

Nobody 'owes' Joe the 'right' to act like a helpless infant. If enough people walk away, it might occur to him to seek the help he needs to fix his own problems, not someone who's sick enough herself to stick around and play social worker for him.

 

The most important thing your friend should grasp is that the more responsibility she takes for a grown adult who won't help himself, the less he'll take for himself. That's the wrong lesson to teach him, and not 'kind' at all.

 

People are not projects. When we cater to someone who won't help himself, that's the opposite of helpful. It reinforces the con with buy in, and it enables him to continue running it. So instead of one sick person, we have two.

 

All relationships being voluntary, that's really unfortunate. I hope your friend hears you, Gebaird, you're a good friend to have. I'd tell her that I credit her with good judgment, so I'm going to assume she'll do the smart thing, and we can talk about anything else in the world going forward--except for this guy. If she opts to continue messing with him, that's on her, and I'd want no part of supporting that choice. Otherwise, that's 3 people he's taking down, and I wouldn't go there.

[ParisPaulette]

Joe sounds like an abuser using the "broken wing" tactic to lure your friend in. Such prey on those who are compassionate and play the whole "Gosh, everyone leaves me," of course leaving out the part where people leave after getting the snot beat out of them or worse.

 

Tell your friend to look up the signs of an abusive relationship. Joe is a grown man and not the helpless infant he lets on. And that crocodile tears façade is hiding an anger he already can't contain. I'm sorry, but your friend needs to go read Gavin de Becker's book on the Gift of Fear.

 

People who have abandonment issues get into therapy for it. They don't turn around and lash at people who want to help them. But abusers who want to reel someone in do then blame their actions on their past and other people.

[nutbrownhare]

If children are abandoned, the effects can be devastating. However, he isn't a helpless child - he's an adult who is responsible for his own wellbeing. Hooking her in with a sob story about how no woman wants him, and how everyone abandons him, is very manipulative - but a healthy woman wouldn't fall for it. Healthy people would listen to the "tragedy" of his life and ponder who the common factor has been in all his failed relationships.

 

What I'd be advising Angela to do is to get help for her own abandonment issues. If she does, hopefully she'll stop giving to someone else the kind of care she would really like for herself, and practise self-love and self-care.

 

As it is, she's enabling his unhealthy behaviours and doing herself no favours either.

[Seraphim]

I have a Savoir complex. It is not pretty. It makes a HUGE victim out of you and obliterates you body and soul.

 

She needs to run.