"Part time" relationship

[1a1a]

After 6 weeks of ambiguity with the ex who still has feelings, everything was getting warmer and more intimate for about 3 weeks. Then he had a couple of full on days at work and burnt out and went non congnitive when it came to texting. Which meant when I was equally burnt out and would have really Really benefited from his company, he compulsion is to be alone, and also not reply to messages (not intentional I don't think but I am anxious attachment style and this sent me into a tail spin).

 

The next 3 days he really didn't do anything to reassure me although I was increasingly using my words to say what I needed. Then he said he did value me but he didn't think he could give me what I want. I asked if he would even sit down and have that chat where we work out what a good relationship looks like to both of us.

 

Well, finally have it. He likes catching up after work on the weekends, he can imagine doing that most of the time and staying over. He didn't want to add a week night, that feels like a full time relationship and what he found when he looked into himself is that he can't do that now. We hashed out what things might look like going forward and I said I'd try it. He wants to save time, not just for being alone, but also for music. He's in a lot of bands. He wants to tour the world with the one successful one, he wants to lighting design for high profile shows, he has dreams and ambitions. A really pragmatic read of this would be, I should use this alone time to do the exact same damn thing, pursue my dreams and ambitions.

 

Problem is, I still don't feel wanted or loved or special.

 

After processing this part time suggestion for a day, and seeing ex put his hand up to join yet Another music project via the facebook and honestly feeling pretty disappointed when I saw that, I told him last night that it felt like music was more important to him than me. After the longest silence he said "I don't want to say that". "But it's true in your heart isn't it?" "Yes"

 

I feel crushed.

 

The fact that he's introvert and probably autistic spectrum and doesn't inherently need me but wants to try and make this connection enough to hear my requests for more contact time and more initiating of spending time together and sending of messages when we are apart, the intellectual notion of that, it isn't enough. I still feel rejected. And the uncertainty is triggering my attachment style HARD (and I am So SO sick of being sad all the time I am going to find a shrink who can help me change it cos it's ****ed and it sucks!!)

 

Jerk brain says this is rejection. He kissed me goodbye. He will give me a night this week, I don't know what night yet, I don't know if he reciprocates my want. I don't know if he can. I know I don't feel special or wanted at the moment despite the effort he has put in. And I know I feel incredibly miserable, hurt.

 

Could a part time relationship even work? (I can see it being good in theory, reserve a lot of time to keep doing you things, not lose your sense of self, it's just right now I don't feel like the one that he wants). Is this normal for someone to prioritise their hobby above their partner? Guys in particular, your thoughts would be appreciated. Like, I am very invested in career, but not at the expense of having a partner, they are of equal importance (and really different things really). But it's not an effort for me to make time for him, I want to spend time with him, that's a natural impulse.

[Wiseman2]

He's an ex? Unfortunately it sounds like he can only handle fwb at this time.

[gebaird]

I think for some a part-time relationship is a possibility. In this scenario, however, based on the feelings you just described, I don't think it is the right choice. I think there are fundamental compatibility issues related to your attachment style and his need to be alone, and a part-time relationship with this guy will prevent you from having a fulfilling relationship with someone else.

 

I'm a musician, so I understand the call of the muse. It's caused tension over the years between me and my wife -- with me at one point telling her I was joining a band instead of asking her permission -- but we were able to find a compromise that involved me turning our living room into a music studio. She likes having me home, even if I'm busy in the studio. If it came down to a choice between music and her, I don't know what I'd do. They are both important to me. But I am willing to curb my musical ambitions and move in a direction that allows my hobby and my marriage to coexist.

 

I've seen (and responded to) several of your posts in the past few months and ache for you, because I know how it feels to be so stuck and uncertain. You seem very self-aware and mature in your views. I honestly don't think you are asking for much from this relationship, but it seems even that is just too much for him. The only way this could work, in my opinion, is if you experience a fundamental shift in thinking that allows you to live happily during the long, long stretches between interactions with him. If your goal is to be someone's priority, you'll never achieve it with this guy. If you can find a way to be okay with that, maybe it can work. But I think you'd be settling for less than you deserve.

 

I realize that cutting this guy out of your life for good will hurt, and it's definitely stepping into the unknown. If the choice is between partial loneliness and total loneliness, partial loneliness might seem like the best option. But what if there's an option that allows you, after a period of total loneliness, to find someone new and stop being lonely at all?

 

There are many dimensions to be considered here, and I won't pretend to have all the answers. I just see a pattern that seems to be repeating itself.

 

Much love to you.

[mopo]

When a guy says he isn't ready for a relationship, he usually means he isn't ready for a relationship with you. If the right girl comes along, and it's unlikely it will happen soon given the time he spends on other things as you describe... but he will step up to the plate then. Please don't waste anymore time here. You will look back one day and be EVER so glad you moved on. That connection may always be there as you say with the 'kiss before goodbye,' and you could be fwb forever... but that's all you'll be.

[KantSleep]

"He wants to tour the world with the one successful one, he wants to lighting design for high profile shows, he has dreams and ambitions". This alone sounds like he isn't going to be around. Sorry you are hurting. It seems like you guys are just in two different places.

[1a1a]

Blehhhhh.

 

Thank you for the feedback.

 

Yesterday I mentioned finishing my recording work early and feeling bored and his reply was "come and join me". So, that was nice and unexpected. And then he did go home last night but not before doing an extra job I wasn't expecting him to do and he shall see Monday and bonus, he has all of Monday off.

 

I suppose, the thing we're about to try is his compromise Gebaird. (Tis compromise for me too. Will it turn out to be too much, only time can tell). One of my friends believes guys are biologically inclined to form their identity around the things they do, rather than prioritising seeking out long term relationships, and that him saying music is priority is not as dramatic as it sounds. (Again, deliverable contact time and inclusion in his life will be the decider of this)

 

I am definitely worried about that possibility Mopo.

 

On the one hand, this could be a good way for me to get more independent whilst having a close connection. I can imagine that working if he continues to do a good proportion of the inviting and otherwise find ways to make me feel like he wants me. (I've certainly given him lots of suggestions). On the other, if it's still twinging my attachment style this hard in, I dunno, a month, is no good. And I feel like 6 months and reassess the part time thing. And of course, my feeeeeeelings make me want to at least try it. Until it's been tried I'm not ready to write us off as incompatible. (More fool me probably)