1a1a Posted February 18, 2017 Share Posted February 18, 2017 After 6 weeks of ambiguity with the ex who still has feelings, everything was getting warmer and more intimate for about 3 weeks. Then he had a couple of full on days at work and burnt out and went non congnitive when it came to texting. Which meant when I was equally burnt out and would have really Really benefited from his company, he compulsion is to be alone, and also not reply to messages (not intentional I don't think but I am anxious attachment style and this sent me into a tail spin). The next 3 days he really didn't do anything to reassure me although I was increasingly using my words to say what I needed. Then he said he did value me but he didn't think he could give me what I want. I asked if he would even sit down and have that chat where we work out what a good relationship looks like to both of us. Well, finally have it. He likes catching up after work on the weekends, he can imagine doing that most of the time and staying over. He didn't want to add a week night, that feels like a full time relationship and what he found when he looked into himself is that he can't do that now. We hashed out what things might look like going forward and I said I'd try it. He wants to save time, not just for being alone, but also for music. He's in a lot of bands. He wants to tour the world with the one successful one, he wants to lighting design for high profile shows, he has dreams and ambitions. A really pragmatic read of this would be, I should use this alone time to do the exact same damn thing, pursue my dreams and ambitions. Problem is, I still don't feel wanted or loved or special. After processing this part time suggestion for a day, and seeing ex put his hand up to join yet Another music project via the facebook and honestly feeling pretty disappointed when I saw that, I told him last night that it felt like music was more important to him than me. After the longest silence he said "I don't want to say that". "But it's true in your heart isn't it?" "Yes" I feel crushed. The fact that he's introvert and probably autistic spectrum and doesn't inherently need me but wants to try and make this connection enough to hear my requests for more contact time and more initiating of spending time together and sending of messages when we are apart, the intellectual notion of that, it isn't enough. I still feel rejected. And the uncertainty is triggering my attachment style HARD (and I am So SO sick of being sad all the time I am going to find a shrink who can help me change it cos it's ****ed and it sucks!!) Jerk brain says this is rejection. He kissed me goodbye. He will give me a night this week, I don't know what night yet, I don't know if he reciprocates my want. I don't know if he can. I know I don't feel special or wanted at the moment despite the effort he has put in. And I know I feel incredibly miserable, hurt. Could a part time relationship even work? (I can see it being good in theory, reserve a lot of time to keep doing you things, not lose your sense of self, it's just right now I don't feel like the one that he wants). Is this normal for someone to prioritise their hobby above their partner? Guys in particular, your thoughts would be appreciated. Like, I am very invested in career, but not at the expense of having a partner, they are of equal importance (and really different things really). But it's not an effort for me to make time for him, I want to spend time with him, that's a natural impulse. Link to comment
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