Advice on Dating/ Is there something Underlying?

[winterseoul]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm looking for some opinion and advice in general. At this moment, I feel like I should re-evaluate some of my past choices.

 

So a short background

I am temporarily working abroad and will be finished later this year. I've had 3 serious relationships, all of which were abut 1-2 years. I got out of my last serious one back in April of 2016.

 

So here is my issue. For the first time in my life, I tried online dating on Tinder. I went out on a lot of dates, most of them went nowhere. I met one guy that I enjoyed his company and was a bit attracted. Plus, he came on really strong in showing him interest towards me. I relented, and started dating him, even though I quickly realized we were not a good match in terms of communicating and values (he was pretty sexist). We ended up having sex around our 5th or 6th date? He started being a lot less invested, and I kept putting in more to what we were having. We lasted for about 2 months, leading to him eventually ghosting me.

 

The second guy was also someone I met on Tinder. I enjoyed our conversations, but wasn't super interested or attracted for that matter. No butterflies, nothing. He also was very direct about the fact that he liked me, enjoyed our conversations, and wanted more. At this point, I was already really hesitant, but I started dating him. We had sex around the 4th date, but I couldn't even get wet. No electricity. He also started being a lot less invested and I started putting more in. And also lasted about 2 months.

 

In both I knew there was no future, and they were looking for casual, even though I wasn't, but didn't see a future with them anyways.

 

With both of them, they showed me a lot of attention in the beginning, and I started caring and investing in whatever it was we had. By the end, I was the one who was mostly invested, and it became a very one-sided relationship. With both of them, I wanted to end it but hesitated, and still I don't know why I hesitated. Anyways, the first one ended up ghosting me, and the second one, even though I broke up with him, when we were talking about it, it sounded awfully like he was dumping me. In both I was just angry, not so much hurt or sad. I didn't cry over them.

 

There is a very high possibility that this pattern is playing out due to me being in a foreign country, and both the men and I see dating as something very transient and not that committed in the current situation. Or it's possible that this pattern in occurring because I'm dating men that I'm not super interested in to begin with, but miss the benefits of being in a relationship.

 

But on the off chance that it's not, I do see a pattern. I was wondering if anyone had input? I'm starting to feel like I need more boundaries. Is there a way I could go about doing that? And when I think about ending it, why do I not? Do you think it has something to do with some subconscious lack of value for myself? I've never felt that way, but I'm open to possibilities.

 

In the end, I just don't want to continue cycles like these. And when I return to the US, I want to establish something long term, and lasting, with mutual commitment and investment.

[Wiseman2]

It's ok to date casually while there and when you return to the US you can look for something more long term. There doesn't seem to be any deep seated pattern.

[RainyCoast]

i see a pattern, yeah. you first establish incompatibility, even take note of the fact a guy is sexist, you don't even like them...then you proceed to have sex with them.

 

why would you go on further dates if you don't like them and why would you sleep with them?

 

no, it's not a national or cultural thing. it's "nah. not my type. but if i can get laid once so the coffee i payed for isn't wasted, cool".

 

i mean unless of course you're okay with one night stands. but your post reads like you're not to me.

[winterseoul]

i see a pattern, yeah. you first establish incompatibility, even take note of the fact a guy is sexist, you don't even like them...then you proceed to have sex with them.

 

why would you go on further dates if you don't like them and why would you sleep with them?

 

no, it's not a national or cultural thing. it's "nah. not my type. but if i can get laid once so the coffee i payed for isn't wasted, cool".

 

i mean unless of course you're okay with one night stands. but your post reads like you're not to me.

 

Well, I'm wondering if I just really want a meaningful relationship to give my all for mutuality and its benefits, but looking for it in something 'casual' since I know nobody I meet here will last. And I don't expect it to end up anywhere. What do you think?

 

And also I didn't know he was a sexist, or such until after we slept together. Or kinda just ignored some signs altogether, because maybe I was more excited about potential and prospect than the reality. And even when I noticed things, I tend to be very non confrontational. Half not sure how to handle it, and half denying it.

 

I think I can say, in all my relationships, long and short, I give the most. It usually starts out equal, but somehow nearing the end, I tend to be the one investing. Is there a way to change that? Maybe just confronting the situation instead of trying to fix it on my own?

[RainyCoast]

please correct me if i'm not understanding this. do you mean that you hope to find someone appropriate for a meaningful relationship through casual encounters with them? if so, no, i wouldn't hope for that happen.

 

if you mean that you want to date casually while living abroad, sure, why not. just weed out the guys you obviously don't like, because then, as you see, even casual encounters with them are not enjoyable for you.

 

for example, i can imagine if i found a guy sexist, i couldn't feel attracted to him, or enjoy the sex. it seems to be what you are saying too.

 

with that said, if you are the type to need to feel some level of quality in the connection with the other, then i don't really know if you can easily find people whom you enjoy causal with. it hasn't worked for me at least. it depends on how you view intimacy and sex. some people can compartmentalize, and can have enjoyable sex/dating without intimacy. i couldn't. it didn't always suck, but it was still so unfulfilling that i considered it a waste of time. i found myself thinking i would rather be reading now lol.

 

of course, if you hope things turn serious with someone, it's usually best to not have sex right off the bat.

[winterseoul]

please correct me if i'm not understanding this. do you mean that you hope to find someone appropriate for a meaningful relationship through casual encounters with them? if so, no, i wouldn't hope for that happen.

 

if you mean that you want to date casually while living abroad, sure, why not. just weed out the guys you obviously don't like, because then, as you see, even casual encounters with them are not enjoyable for you.

 

for example, i can imagine if i found a guy sexist, i couldn't feel attracted to him, or enjoy the sex. it seems to be what you are saying too.

 

with that said, if you are the type to need to feel some level of quality in the connection with the other, then i don't really know if you can easily find people whom you enjoy causal with. it hasn't worked for me at least. it depends on how you view intimacy and sex. some people can compartmentalize, and can have enjoyable sex/dating without intimacy. i couldn't. it didn't always suck, but it was still so unfulfilling that i considered it a waste of time. i found myself thinking i would rather be reading now lol.

 

of course, if you hope things turn serious with someone, it's usually best to not have sex right off the bat.

 

I mean I hope to meet someone appropriate for a meaningful relationship with, BUT at this moment is not possible. If I cannot see a future, then to me, it will naturally not be meaningful to me with my values. BUT I think currently, the problem lies in the fact that I do want that and so maybe I'm engaging in casual to see if it could resemble that. Which in my conclusion, did not resemble something committed. So I think the wisest thing is just to lay off dating until I go back.

 

Right, I don't think casual works for me. And holding off on the sex... maybe I should just be more aware of the situations I put myself in. I always thought cuddling was okay, but it always seems to lead to more.

 

Do you have any opinions on the aspect that I keep giving emotionally even when the relationship is not working?

Sorry, I'm just trying to bounce ideas off, and trying to figure out where I stand as far as relationships go.

[Wiseman2]

Invest less

I think I can say, in all my relationships, long and short, I give the most. It usually starts out equal, but somehow nearing the end, I tend to be the one investing. Is there a way to change that?

[RainyCoast]

Do you have any opinions on the aspect that I keep giving emotionally even when the relationship is not working?

codependency?

 

how do you feel when you are single?

[winterseoul]

Invest less

 

Yes, I think I have to set my boundaries more firmly.

[winterseoul]

codependency?

 

how do you feel when you are single?

 

I don't think it's codependency. Honestly, I feel better on my own than when I was dating just these past two casual ones. And during the periods I wasn't dating in this past year, my thought was that I didn't really want to date, and I'm so much happier and less stressed. Sometimes I wondered if I was just lonely living in a foreign country, while I only see couples all around me.

 

My first long term relationship I was a bit codependent, but I worked on fixing that.

[SeptemberSylv]

Well, frankly, I think you are feeling 'lonely' and need some male attention.

 

I don't know how long you are going to be in that country, whichever it is, but I think you feel as though you need someone now, and yet your prospects of a long term relationship are at a time in the future that feels too far away and you don't know how to fill the void.

 

So why don't you get back to the US as soon as you can.

 

 

 

ALSO, about the you investing more before the relationship breakup, have you re-thought the sort of people you are dating?

 

FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE: I'm told all the time that (modern) women are attracted to 'cool guys' who have 'confidence' - but is confidence a meaningful trait for the health of a long-term relationship? Shouldn't you be looking for someone "Supportive", "Caring" and "Sincere"? Those words don't lend themself to the hottest steamy one night stand but they stand the test of time

[Wiseman2]

Agree. It's 2017, it's ok for women to enjoy meaningless sex and brief companionship. There doesn't have to be a diagnosis for that.

I don't think it's codependency. Sometimes I wondered if I was just lonely living in a foreign country, while I only see couples all around me.

[RainyCoast]

i agree, but she doesn't enjoy it. it's not about looking to put a name on it.

 

okay, so wanting something casual as a semblance of a relationship. sounds more like loneliness yes. i think though then you'd have to define how much of a semblance of a relationship you can achieve that way. with the sexist guy example, you see that you can't force sex to resemble intimacy. or just going on dates with a guy you don't really like to resemble the coupley feeling.

 

if i factor in the tendency to overinvest early on, i would deduce that you're acting on some ravenous emotional hunger. the bad news is one doesn't settle that with casual dating, or with a relationship either (and it doesn't stem from lack of one either, and you report not feeling deprived when single). the good news is if you can trace the source, you can help yourself.

[winterseoul]

Well, frankly, I think you are feeling 'lonely' and need some male attention.

 

I don't know how long you are going to be in that country, whichever it is, but I think you feel as though you need someone now, and yet your prospects of a long term relationship are at a time in the future that feels too far away and you don't know how to fill the void.

 

So why don't you get back to the US as soon as you can.

 

 

 

ALSO, about the you investing more before the relationship breakup, have you re-thought the sort of people you are dating?

 

FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE: I'm told all the time that (modern) women are attracted to 'cool guys' who have 'confidence' - but is confidence a meaningful trait for the health of a long-term relationship? Shouldn't you be looking for someone "Supportive", "Caring" and "Sincere"? Those words don't lend themself to the hottest steamy one night stand but they stand the test of time

 

Maybe you're right. I've been here for 3 years now. 1.5 years I was in an exclusive relationship with a guy, but I wasn't sure where he was standing on committing to a future with the both of us. He always dismissed it, saying not to worry. I did not want a LDR with a guy who wasn't sure of me. In the end we broke up.

 

I feel very ready to date seriously, and work towards a future together with someone. And probably that feeling makes me feel lonely. So I'll just take it easy until the end of this year when I head back to the US. I miss familiarity.

 

I just turned 25, so I think all my previous long term relationships were probably a bit of discovery and learning. I try not to take the endings personally, and just learn more in the process. And like Wiseman2 says, I don't want to diagnose myself with some problem that I might not have.

 

I think going forward, when I'm looking at someone seriously, I will probably look more carefully at their character, values, and personality before becoming invested.

[winterseoul]

Agree. It's 2017, it's ok for women to enjoy meaningless sex and brief companionship. There doesn't have to be a diagnosis for that.

 

You're right Thank you for that. I just sometimes wonder if anything in my past left some unconscious damage. I could just be overthinking things, and that I'm actually perfectly healthy, just not thinking things through before doing something.

[winterseoul]

i agree, but she doesn't enjoy it. it's not about looking to put a name on it.

 

okay, so wanting something casual as a semblance of a relationship. sounds more like loneliness yes. i think though then you'd have to define how much of a semblance of a relationship you can achieve that way. with the sexist guy example, you see that you can't force sex to resemble intimacy. or just going on dates with a guy you don't really like to resemble the coupley feeling.

 

if i factor in the tendency to overinvest early on, i would deduce that you're acting on some ravenous emotional hunger. the bad news is one doesn't settle that with casual dating, or with a relationship either (and it doesn't stem from lack of one either, and you report not feeling deprived when single). the good news is if you can trace the source, you can help yourself.

 

Hmm... If I am 'emotionally hungry' maybe I'm emotionally hungry for something familiar that feels like home, and also partly for someone that I feel could have my back. I am very independent, both out of of necessity and choice. And maybe I just want the feeling like someone is there with me. Someone I could turn to and regain my strength when I have doubts or moments of weakness. But that sounds awfully like being lonely.