Dating is tough!

[LockerBunny]

Hi,

 

Does anyone else find dating really difficult? I'm not really used to the whole process I've had 2 pretty long term relationships in my life one of which ended about half a year ago and was a total mess.. but I really loved the guy regardless. I feel like I've been single for a really long time and so I've been really trying to put myself out there more mostly on dating apps and things like that. It's really easy to get guys to come on a date with me, but the actual date is hard! I'm a naturally quiet person and sometimes I just don't know what to say.. and I've never really done this first date kind of thing I've always just happened to fall for people who I'm already close to and everything has been so much easier.

 

Plus now that I'm 25 I feel people are placing more pressure on what they want in a woman.. like confident, attractive, funny, knows how to put me in my place, smarter than me, independent, knows what they want.. like yeah I get those are great qualities but what about just having a great connection and just being with someone who's company you enjoy and who makes you feel good when you're around them!

 

I dunno I'm starting to second guess myself a little bit.. I haven't been on many dates yet but haven't made much of the connection that I'm looking for yet and I just don't really know how to go about it, but I really do want to find someone I can spend my life with I'm just feeling kind of discouraged

[Wiseman2]

Just be yourself. That's the best way to find the right guy.

[happyfrank]

It's supposed to be fun getting to know new people.

 

Try other method too in regarding to dating.

 

Single's bars or lounges.

 

Cheer up and good luck!

[Scoe141]

I'd definitely be yourself.

 

For the first encounter, think about things that are important to you and ask your date about them. i.e. What do you enjoy doing on your days off, or what types of food do you like. Tell me about your family etc.

 

I'm pretty reserved, so I usually interrogate* my dates. That way I can find out as much as I can to help see if there will be a second date. It also shows that I don't want the date to be all about me.

 

*Loosely used.

[Ms Darcy]

Hi,

 

Does anyone else find dating really difficult? I'm not really used to the whole process I've had 2 pretty long term relationships in my life one of which ended about half a year ago and was a total mess.. but I really loved the guy regardless. I feel like I've been single for a really long time and so I've been really trying to put myself out there more mostly on dating apps and things like that. It's really easy to get guys to come on a date with me, but the actual date is hard! I'm a naturally quiet person and sometimes I just don't know what to say.. and I've never really done this first date kind of thing I've always just happened to fall for people who I'm already close to and everything has been so much easier.

 

Plus now that I'm 25 I feel people are placing more pressure on what they want in a woman.. like confident, attractive, funny, knows how to put me in my place, smarter than me, independent, knows what they want.. like yeah I get those are great qualities but what about just having a great connection and just being with someone who's company you enjoy and who makes you feel good when you're around them!

 

I dunno I'm starting to second guess myself a little bit.. I haven't been on many dates yet but haven't made much of the connection that I'm looking for yet and I just don't really know how to go about it, but I really do want to find someone I can spend my life with I'm just feeling kind of discouraged

 

How can you have much of a "connection that you're looking for" if you're "a naturally quiet person" who sometimes doesn't know what to say.

 

It sort of sounds like you want a dude to do the heavy lifting to impress you.

[Matt3939]

Talking is over rated I just grunt. Sometimes I hum. After I feel comfortable I let bodily noises take over as long as I can achieve a resonance frequency.

[winterseoul]

Hi! I think I can relate, and maybe we might be somewhat on a similar page. I am also 25 years old, and have mainly been in long term relationships. And my last one ended a little bit less than a year ago. I also tried online dating during this time that I was single, and I've felt that it's a bit more trouble than it's worth. Not the getting to know people part, rather being clear on exactly what the other is looking for, and feeling interested enough to pursue it. Well, that and the guys who I met seemed usually more interested in something casual.

 

And like others said, it is about being yourself. And you establish connection by being genuine and honest. I also want to find that same thing, but I've noticed that finding the right guy is not really a quest. I think we take care of ourselves first, do things we are passionate about, and just enjoy our own lives. And I think naturally other people will be drawn to that. Whether he's the right one, we have to be the careful judge of that.

 

I gave this analogy to my friend. Meeting someone you have a connection with is like finding a diamond, but meeting the person that you can spend the rest of your life with is like stumbling on an unicorn. It's not something we find just because we want it! Be patient and focus on being really happy by yourself!

 

I don't know if you feel the same thing, but when I really want someone to be there for me like that, part of the time it's just me feeling lonely. I miss being in a loving committed relationship. AND I hate breaking up and starting all over again. I want someone to stay. But while we feel discouraged or lonely, it's probably not the right time.

 

Stay positive and focus on friends and things you love! It'll make life brighter and much less stressful trying to control something you can't

[spandora]

I'm old. Been divorced for over 10 years now, and trying to date NOW, as opposed to when I was your age..IS SO MUCH TOUGHER.

 

You'd think the online dating sites and apps makes things easier? NO WAY.

 

I don't know what it is, but I have so much trouble finding someone who isn't really screwed up on these sites. I posted about my most recent experience..the guy is still hung up on an abusive ex. That kind of thing seems to be the norm for me.

 

Also, I'm Gen X/old school. I do not want to sleep with guys on the first date, but they expect it (I date younger, very often.) And everybody thinks they're a stinkin' PORN STAR..and yes, the over abundance of choices on online dating, makes everyone have "grass is greener" syndrome.

 

You're right. It's very tough.

 

oh and don't get me started about the pitfalls of social media. Sigh.

[Ms Darcy]

Talking is over rated I just grunt. Sometimes I hum. After I feel comfortable I let bodily noises take over as long as I can achieve a resonance frequency.

 

That's funny.

[Ms Darcy]

Hi! I think I can relate, and maybe we might be somewhat on a similar page. I am also 25 years old, and have mainly been in long term relationships. And my last one ended a little bit less than a year ago. I also tried online dating during this time that I was single, and I've felt that it's a bit more trouble than it's worth. Not the getting to know people part, rather being clear on exactly what the other is looking for, and feeling interested enough to pursue it. Well, that and the guys who I met seemed usually more interested in something casual.

 

And like others said, it is about being yourself. And you establish connection by being genuine and honest. I also want to find that same thing, but I've noticed that finding the right guy is not really a quest. I think we take care of ourselves first, do things we are passionate about, and just enjoy our own lives. And I think naturally other people will be drawn to that. Whether he's the right one, we have to be the careful judge of that.

 

I think part of the reason it's tougher is that people nowadays rely on the internet to find their soul mate.

[Krankor]

I think part of the reason it's tougher is that people nowadays rely on the internet to find their soul mate.

Interesting take.

 

Firstly maybe it's just semantics but I think that the concept of "soul mates" is silly romanticism.

 

Also, I don't know that people necessarily rely on the Internet so much as see it as a useful tool with which to meet other singles.

 

In my case, I'm a decent enough guy with plenty to offer the right woman, but I am kind of a homebody and an introvert. I am not into the club or bar scene. Most of my friends and my social circle is coworkers, and I would never, ever date a coworker ( ). My work schedule prevents me from attending a lot of social events, so I've found that for me OLD is the way to go. If things don't work out with my current girlfriend then certainly if I'd happen to meet someone the "old-fashioned" way that would be great but otherwise I will happily return to the world of OLD.

 

Some people do it the way wrong way though and that's a problem. People will meet someone who lives 5 states away and fall into this stupid fantasy world with them and talk for years without even meeting. People need to be more pragmatic when using the Internet to find love.

[Ms Darcy]

This ...

 

In my case, I'm a decent enough guy with plenty to offer the right woman, but I am kind of a homebody and an introvert. I am not into the club or bar scene. Most of my friends and my social circle is coworkers, and I would never, ever date a coworker ( ). My work schedule prevents me from attending a lot of social events, so I've found that for me OLD is the way to go. If things don't work out with my current girlfriend then certainly if I'd happen to meet someone the "old-fashioned" way that would be great but otherwise I will happily return to the world of OLD.

 

actually contradicts this ...

 

I don't know that people necessarily rely on the Internet so much as see it as a useful tool with which to meet other singles.

 

People found dates well before online dating. But as people have gotten older, left college and other situations where they are naturally socializing with lots of different types of people, the lazier or more hesitant people get about socializing to find the right person. For whatever reason people seem to think bars, club and work are the only ways to meet someone.

 

Again, it's great for the online dating industry. They market to people who have this mantra "I'm too busy to socialize." But people did that, even if they had to work overnights, before online dating existed.

 

I suspect, and it's just a guess, that people nowadays are actually struggling in part BECAUSE it's taking them longer to settle down. I mean, I got married in my early 30s so I am not putting anyone down. But I mean, most of my gfs had met their partners in college or grad school or right when they first started a real job. Basically, when they were at their peak of going out.

 

I don't have anything against online dating at all. But I used it as a secondary strategy. I never ranted about how men have so many options online. Because, I didn't rely on it THAT much.

 

I do agree with the "soul mate" term is a bit much ... but I do think that is the level of what some people at least are looking for.

[Fudgie]

I think OLD can be a double edged sword. To me, yes, I've loved using it cause it's easy to weed people out. However, many people fall into the GIG (grass is greener) trap and/or have crazy expectations. So yes, for them, it's going to be hard.

 

Honestly, I've never met anyone "organically" since turning 18. All of my relationships have started online (either through dating sites or meeting online) and then went to real life. I'm not ugly but I am not a head turner. No one will ever notice me at a party or a bar. I can be a good conversationalist when I want to be and most people find me interesting for one reason or another so OLD has enabled me to be noticed for my words/personality.

 

When I met my current boyfriend, I had a list of certain parameters he must meet. He met them. We jive together well. Attraction/love came later. Trust me when I say, I don't go on simply "who I connect with". You can connect with a lot of people. Doesn't mean that they are good for you or you are good for them.

[Ms Darcy]

Honestly, I've never met anyone "organically" since turning 18. All of my relationships have started online (either through dating sites or meeting online) and then went to real life. I'm not ugly but I am not a head turner. No one will ever notice me at a party or a bar. I can be a good conversationalist when I want to be and most people find me interesting for one reason or another so OLD has enabled me to be noticed for my words/personality.

 

Well, I think you would admit you might not have had an interest in going out, socializing, flirting with guys, asking guys out - that kind of thing.

 

But I also think you have very practical expectations for OLD too. You didn't require an attractive or in shape dude but someone who aligned with your internal values.

 

I guess I mean that I think your situation makes a lot of sense for using OLD exclusively - less romantic and more practical.

[Fudgie]

That's a fair assessment, yes. I found it easier to find guys who aligned with my values online. I did not think (and still don't) that meeting random guys at school or social events would net me much. I find it easier to search by parameters and go from there. Want a guy who is well educated, employed, desires/does not desire children, is religious/not religious? One click of the mouse and the guys that don't meet your parameters won't show up. It's great.

 

Practical, yes. Romantic, not so much. But what is the point of romance if you're with someone who isn't right for you? You have plenty of time to cultivate fun times later.

[Krankor]

actually contradicts this ...

 

 

 

People found dates well before online dating. But as people have gotten older, left college and other situations where they are naturally socializing with lots of different types of people, the lazier or more hesitant people get about socializing to find the right person. For whatever reason people seem to think bars, club and work are the only ways to meet someone.

 

Again, it's great for the online dating industry. They market to people who have this mantra "I'm too busy to socialize." But people did that, even if they had to work overnights, before online dating existed.

 

I suspect, and it's just a guess, that people nowadays are actually struggling in part BECAUSE it's taking them longer to settle down. I mean, I got married in my early 30s so I am not putting anyone down. But I mean, most of my gfs had met their partners in college or grad school or right when they first started a real job. Basically, when they were at their peak of going out.

 

Good point about the contradiction.

 

In my case doing things like meetups, adult classes, social clubs, etc would be difficult with my schedule. I could make it work if I were determined though, admittedly, so there maybe is some lazy excuse-making happening on my part.

 

I would argue that people did a lot of things differently before the advent of the Internet. I used to get all of my bills in the mail, would sit down with them, write checks, and mail them back. We used to have to go to a video store to watch a new movie; now I just punch one up on Google Play and cast it to my TV. Just ten years ago you'd have to sit down at a computer to do things online. Today it's all completely mobile with smart phones. My point: the Internet has made so many things faster, easier and better, and maybe dating is one of them.

 

However, there can be what you may call "The Netflix" effect. I don't know about you, but I've found myself on Netflix and Hulu trying to find say a good documentary or horror film to watch, reading through the titles and thinking "hmm, that looks interesting," "well that looks interesting too" but never just settling on something to watch. This can happen with OLD. People are overwhelmed with a lot of choices and can get way too nitpicky. Not that settling is good but maybe your "soul mate" never graduated college after all or is a redhead when you swear up and down you only like brunettes.

 

In my case, when things progressed with my current girlfriend and she asked me to be exclusive I did have a few other women who I was talking to--one other who I did like, was interested, and I had met in person. But I felt like I had a good thing going so I suspended my profile and unsubscribed and haven't looked back. It's too easy to make comparisons otherwise.

 

One note about the weirdness of OLD: when I had a profile up the woman who cuts my hair every 3 weeks messaged me that she was interested. While I admit the thought "Hey, free haircuts" flashed through my mind I unfortunately just was never attracted to her. But what I find strange is that when she was interacting with me in real life she never showed any interest. I never even got a flirty vibe from her. But maybe she didn't know I was available or was just being professional.

[Ms Darcy]

I would argue that people did a lot of things differently before the advent of the Internet. I used to get all of my bills in the mail, would sit down with them, write checks, and mail them back. We used to have to go to a video store to watch a new movie; now I just punch one up on Google Play and cast it to my TV. Just ten years ago you'd have to sit down at a computer to do things online. Today it's all completely mobile with smart phones. My point: the Internet has made so many things faster, easier and better, and maybe dating is one of them.

 

So, I feel like paying your bills on the internet versus by hand, as well as your other examples, are REPLACEMENTS for previous processes. And that is part of my point as well. Unlike paying bills or renting videos, dating isn't a transactional activity (unless you are moreso in Fudgie's situation). It's a romantic activity.

 

I think that's why people get messed up with OLD. Trying to make romance transactional is not necessarily more efficient. It gives you a bigger pool to deal with, but no matter what - we are generally not compatible with not many people in the long-run - so finding the right person can take just as long as searching in real life.

 

I don't know about you, but I've found myself on Netflix and Hulu trying to find say a good documentary or horror film to watch, reading through the titles and thinking "hmm, that looks interesting," "well that looks interesting too" but never just settling on something to watch. This can happen with OLD. People are overwhelmed with a lot of choices and can get way too nitpicky. Not that settling is good but maybe your "soul mate" never graduated college after all or is a redhead when you swear up and down you only like brunettes.

 

Well, just my own opinion ... I don't know if I would say people are too nitpicky with online dating. I feel people who don't get the kind or volume of dates they think they deserve feel this. But honestly, if a person has a lot of options, they need to be specific so they can actually focus on who they have the energy to focus on.

[Krankor]

So, I feel like paying your bills on the internet versus by hand, as well as your other examples, are REPLACEMENTS for previous processes. And that is part of my point as well. Unlike paying bills or renting videos, dating isn't a transactional activity (unless you are moreso in Fudgie's situation). It's a romantic activity.

 

I think that's why people get messed up with OLD. Trying to make romance transactional is not necessarily more efficient. It gives you a bigger pool to deal with, but no matter what - we are generally not compatible with not many people in the long-run - so finding the right person can take just as long as searching in real life.

 

I agree that it's transactional at first. "I'm single and looking as are you. You meet my criteria and I'm not repulsed by your profile pictures. OK then, let's talk." From there though, being a regular human takes over; you see if you have a rapport, you meet and see if the chemistry is there, etc.

 

It's still not as organic as just meeting someone by happenstance as you go about your daily life that develops into romantic interest, but I think the end result can be the exact same.