Lost a girl twice, how to fix it

[dxkangaroo]

So as backstory, I was a virgin until a year ago (22 now). I barely talked to women and hadn't even kissed or ever had a girlfriend, so I did what most desperate virgins do and looked online for advice. It wasn't long until my life spiraled into a pick up frenzy, spending all my possible time trying to hook up with girls and doing pick up (at malls and such). I had a lot of fun but over time I developed the whole "abundance" mentality, where pick up artists believe that any woman can be replaced since "we" can technically just go out any weekend and get a new girl. Also I got used to typical plastic bodied girls from clubs with no personality, and would just look out for the hottest rather than most awesome. Needless to say I was dumb as hell for thinking that, and not a day passes that I hate myself for swallowing the pill so hard

 

So I get back to college for my last year and I start doing pick up as usual. I meet this cute, nowhere near hot though, girl that I just click with. Deep down I knew she was amazing but I had so much baggage from my newly found mentality that I kept thinking "meh, I can do better later". I never led her on into thinking we could be a thing though, never tried going exclusive or anything. We kept seeing each other and hooking up for a month and over that time she broke down the shell of a boy I was. I realized that even though she may not be the hottest girl I've been with, she was the most beautiful girl I've ever met by far (personality and cuteness wise). But by the time I realized this she told me she was seeing someone else since we were never anything so she wanted some time to think about us. Stupid me was like "Sure, take your time." Thinking she would clearly realize it was me, but it wasn't and she started dating the other guy.

 

I felt hurt, even though I shouldn't have. But she wanted to stay friends and I didn't really want to cause I would feel hurt, but I agreed to it anyways. Since she had a boyfriend I didn't want to intrude on those boundaries so I kept things strictly non physical but we basically became best friends, it was so unexpected and sudden and I felt nothing but joy out of it. Then by sheer luck and the fact that I had changed so much from my stupid pick up mentality we began to feel attracted to each other again. I should note she never called her boyfriend a boyfriend until after they broke up, and I think she might've gotten with him to make me jealous initially.

 

But then she ruined it (cause I wasn't strong enough to pass what she wanted). Even though we had been non physical this entire time she started to get more touchy, and started to put a lot of effort into her appearance all of a sudden and she later told me she broke up with her ex for something minor (in other words, I feel she might have done it for me). So we start dating again for like a week, even though I should have just stayed friends with her but she somewhat insisted. We didn't hook up this time since I wanted to take things super slow (no pickup for me), but then she brings up the boyfriend again, asking if she should go back to him. At that point I remember how painful it was to be pushed aside the first time, so I ask her to decide there and then who she wants to be with. She said she didn't think she could trust me, but she really really likes me. In retrospect she meant she wanted a bit more proof I had changed, that we could be a thing, but at the time all I heard is "I don't think I can trust you". So I lost it, completely blew my emotional control (first time ever), and told her to please leave and keep contact to a minimum. Also the emotional outbreak basically means K-drama like breakup, never screamed at her or called her names or anything, just told her she meant too much for me to keep this going, to please stop. The one thing in all of this that makes me regret my life everyday is that we were lab partners for a class and when I said this I told her to not be my partner anymore, even switched sections in front of her. I feel it was very immature and hate myself for it

 

That was 5 weeks ago, a week after she got back with the boyfriend. I feel like letting valentines day pass by was a huge mistake because now they seem way closer than before (like FB valentine's pics together close), and because of my keep contact to a minimum we haven't really talked in all this time (basically 5 weeks radio silence). Her birthday is up in 3 days and I want to wish her a happy birthday but I feel I shouldn't. I realize that she is still the love of my life (even after all the meaningless pickups I never felt so strongly about someone), but I feel that she has moved on and whatever small trust I was building is gone for good now. I really wish there was a way to rekindle what we had, or to even be friends (I would define boundaries very clearly now), but I feel too ashamed and embarrassed for my emotional outbreak that day to even think of contacting her.

 

Should I move on with my life, and let her move on with hers? Break No Contact? Try to go for a round 2 against the now proper boyfriend? Some friends told me she was just playing games and what I did is right, but I feel she only played games because she wanted to see if I wasn't the player she had initially met.

 

Advice that would maximize us potentially getting back together would be great, but I also honestly care so much about her as a person that I don't think I'd mind being friends (might be wrong on this, don't know how I would react to her talking of her boyfriend).

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It's sad you were brainwashed by those PUA tactics. Yeah, you'll strike out a lot in terms of relationships because your focus has become narrow and shallow.

 

For example you talk about hooking up with this girl, but not about asking her to be exclusive or be your gf then feel stunned when she tells you she's got another guy? She has a bf. It's time to leave her alone and find someone and treat them right this time.

 

Throw out all that PUA rubbish and learn to be a decent human instead of manipulating girls to get laid, if you want a real gf of your own.

[Dahl]

Hello, dx, and welcome to the forum.

 

What.. Is there to fix, exactly? I'm not sure what you are looking at to repair. I see less to restore. The two of you are not together, right? And you don't think you can successfully be a decent friend to her so long as she's not with you romantically?

 

Could you please rephrame your question? I feel I missed something.

[Betterwithout]

Being truly authentic is the best pick up tactic for women. Women can spot fake a million miles away. Authentic behaviour is severely lacking with the PUA community. The only good thing the PUA "trainers" have in their tool belt is to teach confidence and aloofness to approach women.

 

At the end of the day, become an honest and genuine man with confidence, it will be your new key to success.

[Hollyj]

If she were the one, then you would have handled things much differently the second time around. Your ego was more important.

 

Learn from this, women are not here for your convenience.

[J Miracle]

At the end of the day, become an honest and genuine man with confidence, it will be your new key to success.

 

Right here.

[Dahl]

I also honestly care so much about her as a person that I don't think I'd mind being friends (might be wrong on this, don't know how I would react to her talking of her boyfriend).

 

You care so much about her that you don't think that you would 'mind' being her friend.. But then again, you might?..

 

Upon reflection - leave this woman alone. Focus on your own character and what you need to do to interact with others in a positive and meaningful manner. You do not sound capable of a participating in even a healthy friendship, and I think you would serve everyone, yourself included, of course, to remedy these fundamental internal and interpersonal failings before you get involved with another.

 

Good luck.

[dxkangaroo]

First time around I admit I did nothing and that was entirely my fault, second time around I really just wanted to be friends but feelings developed while she still was with her boyfriend and I felt conflicted to do anything since they were a thing but not really. Second time I did ask her for a second chance, to see if we could try being exclusive but she said she didn't trust me, with good reason.

 

Also I am trying really hard to throw out all that garbage, compared to who I was just 3 months ago I feel so different and I cut off all PUA everything on the conscious level, but I think you're right in that the damage is much deeper than that.

 

I really would like to think I can make her happy, and that I could change into a decent person for her, but I think you're right and I should let her be happy with her guy and just learn to never do this again. Thanks

[DancingFool]

You can't be just friends with someone you feel more for. Full stop. Trying to be just friends when you want more and have actually been there....well....it's unhealthy to you to be honest and will mess with your head. The fact of the matter is that she has moved on and no, she didn't date him to make you jealous. She dated him because she is smart and knew that if she wants more, she isn't going to get it from a guy she is just hooking up with.

 

Time to give yourself a clean slate with someone else. As in figure out what you actually want, make sure you are open to an actual relationship and a deeper connection with someone, which is what relationships actually entail. It's not just about surface looks and getting laid. Make sure you actually date and not just hook up. Hooking up is easy and there will always be some bar fly willing, actual connection is hard to find, so be prepared to search. If you want a gf, you need to start looking at a different class of women and there will be a learning curve in how to approach them and how to treat them. Gf material will see right through the pua garbage and laugh at you. Be decent, be genuine, make sure you are true to your words, i.e. if you said you'll call her on x day, do it, be consistent and respectful.

[dxkangaroo]

@ Dahl

 

Thanks for welcoming me to the forum. Thanks for all the harsh words, I wish I had heard them way sooner.

 

I really do want to care for her, and I loved having her as a friend and just talking together for hours. I just feel like somewhere down the line I will fail myself and her again and want to develop something that should never be.

 

I think you're very right about fixing myself, while pickup taught me to get laid it also broke so much more than I could ever imagine and I need to fix that. You're right that I don't think I could even be a decent friend to her since I'll always have an ulterior motive, whether conscious or not. It pains me to think I'll lose her as a friend, but I think its the price to pay to learn my lesson.

 

I know its not the best place to ask, but do you have tips for fixing my own internal flaws? I'm starting by just being interested in people genuinely and trying to help others. I feel that I'm just learning to go back to my old self from a year ago in all honesty

[Dahl]

I think that you are off to a solid start, dx. You are demonstrating self-insight / awareness, you are holding yourself accountable and you are trying to put other people's feelings and needs first.

 

I think that you will have success changing into a person you are comfortable and proud to be, and please keep in mind that you deserve to enjoy that person, foremost!

 

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you will keep the forum updated.