I thought I knew everything...

[Mikess1978]

I thought, that I will write my feeling, just to vent.

 

I am going crazy. I have anxiety. This limited contact thing is hard but I am going to do it because I know, at the end, it will be worth.

 

two more hours at work and then I will go straight to the beach. I will have a nice walk and later pick up my nephew who is coming over for the weekend.

 

 

[Mikess1978]

Somehow, I finished my day yesterday.

 

It started well, I felt positive about my life after meeting Sara. Had a meeting right after I met Sara, then another lunch meeting and then little bit more work. I am struggling with going home alone. This is making me go crazy. But I think, I have found the solution - I will keep a gym bag in my car as well and go to the beach every day for walk or run right after work. I am going to the beach every day now. Sometimes just for a walk but mostly to sleep. So far, it is working out but lets see how long it can work out.

 

My nephew brought some happiness to me. He was very close to my parents so as usual, he talked about my Dad all the time. I think, he misses his grandpa a lot, you can just tell as there has not been a single time he stayed at mine and did not talk about my Dad. He was telling all these funny stories while we were having dinner at a restaurant and I was laughing so hard. People were looking at me.

 

I am up again early. I don't know how can I get some sleep.

 

Tomorrow will be a good day as I will not be alone. I am going for circuits in the morning then lunch withmy nephew and later my wife, my nephew and I are going to the beach. We will walk 5K and then have dinner there.

[Mikess1978]

I can read into your manipulations, I am not dumb but I accept you with all your manipulative games and lies.

 

Not replying to my messages when you are always on your phone is not cool. Asking me thousand question about what I am doing today or what is my schedule for the week is not cool because I am you are just penciling me in with others. Telling me that you will never ask for money and then asking for it within an hour is not cool. Coming up with weird medical issues or weird excuses just to not get together is not cool. Coming up with a new excuse every so often to ask for money is not cool. Telling me that you enjoy my company and then never wants to meet is not cool. Giving three different excuses for the investment is not cool because my memory might not be as good as yours but I still remember stuff. Choosing a driver over a friend to drop you to work is not cool. Its not cool to make plan and then never follow them through.

 

I am 39, I have seen the world, I just don't want to say no, not because that I am dumb but because I keep giving you chances to tell me the truth.

 

I trusted you, I still do because I am blind.

[Mikess1978]

I spend my every day in a dilemma, should I talk to you or should I talk about you.

[Silverbirch]

I can read into your manipulations, I am not dumb but I accept you with all your manipulative games and lies.

 

Not replying to my messages when you are always on your phone is not cool. Asking me thousand question about what I am doing today or what is my schedule for the week is not cool because I am you are just penciling me in with others. Telling me that you will never ask for money and then asking for it within an hour is not cool. Coming up with weird medical issues or weird excuses just to not get together is not cool. Coming up with a new excuse every so often to ask for money is not cool. Telling me that you enjoy my company and then never wants to meet is not cool. Giving three different excuses for the investment is not cool because my memory might not be as good as yours but I still remember stuff. Choosing a driver over a friend to drop you to work is not cool. Its not cool to make plan and then never follow them through.

 

I am 39, I have seen the world, I just don't want to say no, not because that I am dumb but because I keep giving you chances to tell me the truth.

 

I trusted you, I still do because I am blind.

 

Mike, I think your post is a bit contradictory. I think you are chooisng to trust Sara because you WANT TO. I am not saying it as a criticism against you, just saying how I think it really is. I think you WANT her to be the person she pretents to be, and you WANT her to be trustworthy, but only time will tell who she really is.

 

It does sound like you became a bit dependent on Sara when you needed to talk to someone, but it is sounding as though now you have reconnected with friends and making new ones, there is your psychiatrist, and US here at ENA!

[Silverbirch]

[Silverbirch]

PS THERE IS ALSO YOUR WIFE

[Mikess1978]

Mike, I think your post is a bit contradictory. I think you are chooisng to trust Sara because you WANT TO. I am not saying it as a criticism against you, just saying how I think it really is. I think you WANT her to be the person she pretents to be, and you WANT her to be trustworthy, but only time will tell who she really is.

 

It does sound like you became a bit dependent on Sara when you needed to talk to someone, but it is sounding as though now you have reconnected with friends and making new ones, there is your psychiatrist, and US here at ENA!

 

You are right Silverbirch. Your criticism is right. You are absolutely right about Sara, only time will tell.

 

I am not sure who to talk to as my wife is not coming back to me, at least not right now but I wont give up.

 

I see a lot of people on the street, in the mall or when I walk on the beach. I see people from all backgrounds and see, I am not really doing bad for my age. I am okay. I just feel empty and no desire to live. Gym makes it bit better but how many hours I can spend in the gym. I am already spending minimum two hours on my fitness.

 

Only time will tell.

[Mikess1978]

PS THERE IS ALSO YOUR WIFE

 

My last hope...

[Mikess1978]

I did circuits today.

 

I was so afraid that I might not be able to do it since it is bit hard but I loved it. I found the group on Meetup and it is pretty nice. We were 9 people all together and it was a mix bunch. I liked the trainer. It is a free class and he is not really pushing us to buy anything else.

 

There were three or four exercises which were really tough for me. But I think, with time it will get better. there were people who were worse than me but I think, its all about doing stuff together.

 

We all went out for breakfast afterwards, which was good to network. I think, I like this and I will sign up for the next Friday also.

 

So this is what I will be doing:

 

Sunday - Walk / run on the beach, diet

Monday - PT, diet

Tuesday - Walk / run on the beach, diet

Wednesday - PT, diet

Thursday - Walk / run on the beach, diet

Friday - Circuits, cheat day yaaaay

Saturday - PT, diet

 

Off course, If I am travelling, I might end up doing nothing or bit of the gym at hotel if I can.

[Mikess1978]

I feel guilty because now I am not good enough for my wife.

 

I feel guilty because Sara feels guilty now.

 

 

[Silverbirch]

Mike, do you speak with your psychiatrist about how you dont feel good enough for your wife and how you take on other peoples guilt, like with Sara.

 

Its good that you are keeping fit, but maybe you should do something else as well - for fun or something you think is interesting.

[Mikess1978]

Mike, do you speak with your psychiatrist about how you dont feel good enough for your wife and how you take on other peoples guilt, like with Sara.

 

Its good that you are keeping fit, but maybe you should do something else as well - for fun or something you think is interesting.

 

I don't think psychiatrist is helping or maybe I don't do what he says. He asks me questions and I tell him how I feel about. I pay him few hundred bucks, he feels happy and I feel happy because it looks like I am working on it. Its all optics, smoke and mirror. He is interested in getting paid, I am interested in this illusion that one day I will get better but we both know, we are just delaying it.

 

People keep saying, you are a great guy. My sister in law said the same thing over and over again when she called me few days ago. What does this great guy BS mean? You are a great guy but there is noone in this world who gives a damn about you. I am just tried of people telling me all these lies.

 

My wife, my nephew and I went to the mall and bought couple of running shoes as we both wanted them. We then went for a walk and had some fresh juice. My wife kept asking me why I am not in good mood. What to tell her? I said something stupid and she went to her place.

 

I don't see any way out of this.

[Guest mani2016]

Hi Mike

I have gone through your posts which are very long and it seems to me that you are missing purpose or objective in your life after loosing people around you. To me it seems like you are just working to spend your day. You may need objective like getting back your wife or marrying again and having Children. As you grow up you live for your children they are your light in the darkness, your objective and purpose of life.

[Mikess1978]

Wife, my nephew and I went to get some trainer as I am thinking of making two gym kits, one at home and another one in the car so that I can go to the beach or workout directly from work. My trainer comes to the gym in my building to train me so I need a kit at home as well.

 

We three had good time, we had lunch at a fast food place (it was my cheat day), then went to the mall and got the trainers. Later we went to the beach and walked 6k which was fun. We have some juice at the beach and my wife ended up coming to my place as both of them wanted to have light dinner. I was not hungry. It was a great day so far.

 

My wife kept asking me why am I not smiling or why am I so quiet? I don't really know what to tell her. I cannot tell her anything. There is nothing which I can tell her. I kind of snapped and she left the house. I was just so angry and I know, she meant well but I don't have answers. Later I messaged her and tried to fix it. I thin, we are okay again.

 

Later, I messaged Sara a copy of my daily horoscope. It is funny that my wife, Sara and I are all Librans. The horoscope was kind of funny so I thought of sharing it. I was really disturbed last night. Sara messaged me back and we ended up chatting for sometime.

 

It was good that my nephew was staying with me last night because I was in a really dark place last night. I wont want him to go through any situation.

[Mikess1978]

I survived another day. yaaaay

 

My nephew and I met with my wife at the mall as I needed to get some stuff and we all wanted to do coffee. It was good, then I went to drop off my nephew who lives in a another city.

 

My mood keeps changing, I am not sure how to control my thoughts. I consulted another psychiatrist. Actually, I called their office long time ago and they ended up returning my call so late. To be honest, I don't get what is happened in my life but sometimes I see hope and sometimes I don't.

 

It seems that my wife has some sort of clue that I am not feeling well so she has started checking on me every day. I am happy that she is there for me.

 

Sara messaged me in the evening and we chatted a bit. It was a good day for workout also as my trainer started some new technique with me. I am happy.

 

And yes, I am packing away shirts, I lost 2" on my belly, lost about 5% of my body weight so things are not that bad.

 

I just need to find desire to live.

[Mikess1978]

Hi Mike

I have gone through your posts which are very long and it seems to me that you are missing purpose or objective in your life after loosing people around you. To me it seems like you are just working to spend your day. You may need objective like getting back your wife or marrying again and having Children. As you grow up you live for your children they are your light in the darkness, your objective and purpose of life.

 

Thank you, I want to but it is really hard.

[MrSweetHarmony]

I think a lot about the simple things in life and enjoy them, the people who don't care, I don't have time for them, I'm more interested in exploring in life, finding new and interesting ways to enjoy myself, I care about myself, life is for living, O yeah !

[Mikess1978]

I think a lot about the simple things in life and enjoy them, the people who don't care, I don't have time for them, I'm more interested in exploring in life, finding new and interesting ways to enjoy myself, I care about myself, life is for living, O yeah !

 

I wish I could do that. I want to do that. I envy you.

 

Simple things used to give me pleasure, like getting that text that your salary has been transferred. I knew, that I am getting paid but still it would give me some happiness. All the simple things are gone now. Shopping used to make me happy but I now just spend the money to buy happiness.

 

How do you learn not to care about people who don't care about you?

 

I thought, I was very good at keeping people at distance. There are seven people I really care about in this world. I don't want to change that. I am so picky that every year around Christmas holidays, I would reduce my so called friends count to below 200. Now, I don't really care.

[MrSweetHarmony]

I wish I could do that. I want to do that. I envy you.

 

I admit, it's not been easy to learn how to do that. It has taken a lot of study and hard work. I was dedicated to the task and kind to myself in learning.

 

Simple things used to give me pleasure, like getting that text that your salary has been transferred. I knew, that I am getting paid but still it would give me some happiness.

 

A good memory to have and I think something that gives hope of having similar experiences in future. Why should they be gone forever ?

 

All the simple things are gone now. Shopping used to make me happy but I now just spend the money to buy happiness.

 

Yes, a dissatisfying life. Have you ever considered doing some work for charity ?

 

How do you learn not to care about people who don't care about you?

 

It's so complex, I would need to type like a novel to you, some of my thoughts were like, they would leave me to die, so they deserve my contempt but I shouldn't have a grudge against them and understand that they are really messed up people who just don't want to change and I want to avoid them as much as is possible to do so and enjoy my life without them.

 

I thought, I was very good at keeping people at distance. There are seven people I really care about in this world. I don't want to change that. I am so picky that every year around Christmas holidays, I would reduce my so called friends count to below 200. Now, I don't really care.

 

It's a matter of choice really, like in the film 'Shawshank Redemption' "I guess it comes down a simple choice: Get busy living, or get busy dying." - Andy Dufresne.

 

A choice a person makes should always be done with a happy heart. I had a desire to make myself a better person and help other people even though I was struggling to cope with living, I kept going, it hurt sometimes but I have reached the summit. It's perfect to give/do/say to help other people when happy to. When a person isn't happy in what they choose, that's part of the root of the problem.

[Silverbirch]

Hey Mike, I suppose we cant be happy all of the time. That's how life is. I know I must seem a pain to you to say that, but its true. I'm not happy all of the time too, but few things stay the same, and when bad times pass, Im happy again. Are you on anti-depressants?

[MrSweetHarmony]

Hey Mike, I suppose we cant be happy all of the time. That's how life is. I know I must seem a pain to you to say that, but its true. I'm not happy all of the time too, but few things stay the same, and when bad times pass, Im happy again. Are you on anti-depressants?

 

Yes, there are many unpleasant moments in this world.

[Mikess1978]

Hey Mike, I suppose we cant be happy all of the time. That's how life is. I know I must seem a pain to you to say that, but its true. I'm not happy all of the time too, but few things stay the same, and when bad times pass, Im happy again. Are you on anti-depressants?

 

Not yet I guess. They are changing my psychiatrist from male to female though. I have had pretty good life so far so I am struggling to cope up with it. I am feeling pretty good today though. I walked / ran about 10K.

[Mikess1978]

I admit, it's not been easy to learn how to do that. It has taken a lot of study and hard work. I was dedicated to the task and kind to myself in learning.

 

If I may ask, how much time did it take? To me, it looks like it will take forever.

 

 

A good memory to have and I think something that gives hope of having similar experiences in future. Why should they be gone forever ?

 

Great question, I guess I can work on it.

 

 

 

Yes, a dissatisfying life. Have you ever considered doing some work for charity ?

 

I did about 17 years ago. I run a charitable school for girls. Now, it just needs money every month as it has been running for some time with minimal efforts from myside.

 

 

It's so complex, I would need to type like a novel to you, some of my thoughts were like, they would leave me to die, so they deserve my contempt but I shouldn't have a grudge against them and understand that they are really messed up people who just don't want to change and I want to avoid them as much as is possible to do so and enjoy my life without them.

 

 

 

 

It's a matter of choice really, like in the film 'Shawshank Redemption' "I guess it comes down a simple choice: Get busy living, or get busy dying." - Andy Dufresne.

 

A choice a person makes should always be done with a happy heart. I had a desire to make myself a better person and help other people even though I was struggling to cope with living, I kept going, it hurt sometimes but I have reached the summit. It's perfect to give/do/say to help other people when happy to. When a person isn't happy in what they choose, that's part of the root of the problem.

 

Great post, I wish I could thank. I will come back to it when I need encouragements and guidance.

[Mikess1978]

It seems I have too many hours in the day now. There was a time, I had no time for myself or anyone, I was just so busy. Now, things are so bad that I don't feel like coming back to home. All of my curtains are always open, I like light now. I cannot stand the darkness. I used to love darkness but not anymore. The empty house taunts me.

 

I am running away from things, I don't want to be at home, I don't want to be a work. I feel like just going out and spend my day outside. How long I can survive with the few hours sleep at the beach?

 

I keep making plans and nothing works out.