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I thought I knew everything...


Mikess1978

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You know I have read on this forum that men were more emotionally grounded and women were generally more likely to make errors in the relationship. But I certainly thinks it works both ways. I believe it comes down to our individual situations in the moment that we make those decisions. I think both sexes are vulnerable at different points in their lives but women tend to be more open and talkative about them.

 

One other question- when she showed you the picture of the drip in her hand, could you clearly see her in a hospital room or was it just the close up of the hand? Did you ever see any other evidence that she had the procedure?

 

Someday, thank you. I really like others input in this. I know, I am bit crazy but sometimes validation of that craziness helps.

 

I have always been an emotional person, taking all the decision by hearth, not using my head. But times were good, I had everything I wanted. It is now, I ponder on everything I did in my life.

 

She send me a pic on WhatsApp. It looked like her hand and she was in a hospital with those green bedcovers. But it was just her hand, a close up. I trusted her. She did not share this info with me from UK, she told me all that in person. I was emotional, considering my wife and I were trying for 12 years and when my wife finally conceived, it did not end well.

 

I did not see any other evidence other than she telling me that we cannot have sex due to the procedure and all for some time. I trusted her and I believe, she told me the trust.

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If you would have asked me, what I was thinking in last February, my answer would be where are we going on our next vacation or which watch I want to add to my collection.

 

Time is very powerful.

 

I was never a deep thinker. I just lived life without giving it a good thought. The last six months or so, all I did was live alone and think about what did I do wrong in my life.

 

When I was in the university, all I dreamed of was making money, tons of money. I left my home when I was fifteen and half and even though, I was an average student, I somehow, made good professional decisions.

 

One of my mentor gave me a very funny but true advice on money. He said, happiness is hard to achieve without money. Even the greatest love cannot survive without bit of money. Money is like the lubrication in sex, you can have it with lube but you won’t enjoy it. Crude but true analogy.

 

Now, I doubt everything and I am not sure what is right and what is wrong. Is it good to have moral values or just live your life like there is no tomorrow? People say karma is a then how come, bad (again a relative term) is the happiest lot? The line between right and wrong is fading away.

 

The only person I really dated in my life was my wife. I had few more partners but we always knew, this will not go anywhere. I started pretty late in the dating game as I had this crazy desire to make money and be somebody. I have seen how people’s view changes when you are successful.

 

I wish I was running behind the happiness or some other thing and now, it is too late to change my life, to start over again.

What do we really want? A long life filled with misery or a short one but filled with joy? I would go for the latter. I was always worried that my bad time will come, but I did not know that it will be this.

 

I guess, 39 years of a good life is pretty good. Three more years to tie all the financial lose ends and then fade away into the history. I don’t even think a lot of people are going to miss me, I can count them on my fingers. I don’t even believe in rebirth, so I don’t think my mom, dad, my grandma and my daughter A will be there waiting for me.

 

Once it is done, it is done.

 

Pain lives with us till we are alive, once we are dead, so is pain.

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I see. Although I've never been through a divorce and a failed pregnancy, I can conceptualize the emotional distress you must have been going through. You were asking what love is earlier. I think love and romance are distinctly separate. I think true love is the willingness to sacrifice. The affectionate emotions we feel during romantic attraction, while not inherently misplaced, is far inferior to the willingness to sacrifice.

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I see. Although I've never been through a divorce and a failed pregnancy, I can conceptualize the emotional distress you must have been going through. You were asking what love is earlier. I think love and romance are distinctly separate. I think true love is the willingness to sacrifice. The affectionate emotions we feel during romantic attraction, while not inherently misplaced, is far inferior to the willingness to sacrifice.

 

I think you are right about the difference between romance and Love.

 

I guess I am just trying to understand what really happened with me. You know, you live your life thinking that everything you are doing is to make your family happy, every decision you take somehow contributes to their well being and future. I failed to ask them, what do they really want.

 

I guess I will never understand what love it. And that is fine now.

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I am trying to live at least till my 42th birthday. I am trying to make things better for the people who love me. I am trying to provide them a better life when I am gone. I have had an amazing life and they deserve it too.

 

It is hard.

 

Every day is a struggle. Sometimes I feel good and I really believe I can make this happen. But most of the time, I suffer. I cannot be alone in my house because my mind does not stop thinking. I have to leave all of our lights on because I am just so scared. Whenever I come back to home, I want to run outside. When I am at work and I cannot focus. I am in meetings and all I can think is about Sara.

 

It hurts when I realize that I am a selfish person. I should not be thinking about someone who is 11 years younger than me and has a very bright career ahead of her. The only thing I can give her is misery and she absolutely deserve the best. I am broken and I cannot be fixed but it still hurts when she says that she cannot think of me romantically. It hurts when she says that she has experienced better company. It hurts when she says that she has experienced better sex. It hurts when she says that sex would have been better between us if we were involved romantically but it is just not possible. It hurts when she says that she is busy but later tells me that she went out for a movie. It hurts when I cannot stop thinking about her. It hurts when she asks me questions I don’t have answers for. It hurts when I wait for her to reply me back but it does not happen.

 

How do I stop this? I can stop seeing her but I think, it will make me more miserable.

 

Why do even I think about someone who has absolutely no interest in me?

 

The worst thing you can ever feel is wanting someone who does not want you back.

 

I hope, its all over soon.

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We went on another three nights’ all-inclusive vacation in the far east. Sara was very easy to come along this time. In fact, she suggested that we can another vacation after the African one. When I asked her, if she was serious, she said yes and we booked another vacation.

 

We had tons of fun in this vacation. Sara likes to drink and she can drink a lot more than me. We got drunk almost every day, we went to the gym and worked out every day. We walked on the beach, talked a lot, played stupid sex questions game and it was all fun.

 

We were having sex three times a day and it was so good. I learnt a lot more about Sara which I did not know before, how she had various boyfriends and one of them was very long term one. How she has experimented with sex. I like the way she thinks about sex; she takes it very casually – it can be good or it can be bed. If it is bad, don’t sleep with the guy again.

 

She initiated the anal and it was a surprise for me. Her philosophy about anal is, get drunk and slide it in. How simple is that?

 

Maybe, her approach is too casual?

 

She opened up about her past relationship, casual sex she had, threesomes and a lot more. I talked about my separation and how things are getting tougher for me.

 

We talked about a lot of things but I still think, she is a mysterious girl.

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Hey Mike, I think you are being too hard on yourself. Importantly, you see 39 as much older than I do. I married my teenage boyfriend, and my marriage ended in my 30s due to reasons which devastated, and which a lot of people would find difficult to cope with. Sometimes I just didn't think I would get through it. I was a long way away from my family, and for legal reasons at that time, I could not move back to my birthplace. I was so lonely. I remember one day, I was mowing the grass, and must have disturbed either a bee or wasp nest. I got stings in my face and on both eyelids. I remember getting myself inside sobbing my heart out, thinking that I had nobody to contact. Sounds like a trivial incident, but it made me feel so alone, and I felt like you - if I died, nobody would even know for a time.

 

I actually got over my marriage breakup. It took quite some time. I've had my heart broken a couple times since, but I'm so glad I didn't do away with myself.

 

There ARE many types of LOVE Mike. I think the type of love that a llot of people here seek or feel they have lost is not real love.

 

I hope that you can bring many types of live in your life, that you can enjoy your time with Sara if that is what you want, but that you protect your heart as well.

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ZPS. I don't think Sara is embarrassed by your age, but unfortunately I do think she is likely on the lookout for other people (men) who will also help her support her lifestyle. I was actually reading recently that there is at least one "dating site" for this type of relationship - young women who wish to travel and go to nice places, but only with men who can pay for all this and more. I just tell you this because if Sara goes, and this is what you really want - I think you will want MORE one day - she is not the only one. There are other young pretty women a lot like her.

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Hey Mike, I think you are being too hard on yourself. Importantly, you see 39 as much older than I do. I married my teenage boyfriend, and my marriage ended in my 30s due to reasons which devastated, and which a lot of people would find difficult to cope with. Sometimes I just didn't think I would get through it. I was a long way away from my family, and for legal reasons at that time, I could not move back to my birthplace. I was so lonely. I remember one day, I was mowing the grass, and must have disturbed either a bee or wasp nest. I got stings in my face and on both eyelids. I remember getting myself inside sobbing my heart out, thinking that I had nobody to contact. Sounds like a trivial incident, but it made me feel so alone, and I felt like you - if I died, nobody would even know for a time.

 

I actually got over my marriage breakup. It took quite some time. I've had my heart broken a couple times since, but I'm so glad I didn't do away with myself.

 

There ARE many types of LOVE Mike. I think the type of love that a llot of people here seek or feel they have lost is not real love.

 

I hope that you can bring many types of live in your life, that you can enjoy your time with Sara if that is what you want, but that you protect your heart as well.

 

SilverBirch, I cannot thank you enough for your message. It makes perfect sense and thank you for sharing bit of your life with me.

 

I feel the same way - very lonely. I could be in an opera and my mind wont stop thinking about other stuff. Actually it happened to me few days ago. I try to keep myself busy but it does not work.

 

I married the first girl I ever dated. To be honest, I was lucky to have her in my life. I had nothing going for me and she was just a perfect girl - kind with big heart and smart. I think, she was too young to get married but anyhow, she wanted to get married asap so we ended up getting married.

 

Now, I think, she wants to try new things in her life, she wants to live the life she missed due to our marriage. In last two years, I lost both of my parents, she lost her dad at very young age of 52 and her granpa too. Later in summer, we lost our only daughter after seven and half month pregnancy. Those three days were like hell for us. I pray to God, no one has to go through such time. I cry every single day thinking about our daughter, weirdly enough, it is always when I am in shower. Perhaps, because I am alone at that time. Emotionally I am a mess right now.

 

I think, it had huge negative impact on my wife and she asked for separation. I still hope she comes back to me but I know, I have gone to the darker side and I don't deserve her any longer.

 

I don't want Sara in my life because I know she deserves better than me. I just want to feel normal if not happy again. Right now, I feel empty and all negative.

 

Thank you again Silverbirch!!!

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You are welcome Mike. I'm so sorry for you and your wife for the loss of your daughter. I think it is very possible that your wife left you because she was in grief with the loss of your daughter. I hope there will be some contact between you both as even though you say she did not have a lot of experiences before you, you likely had some years of happiness to stay together for 12 years. Please don't say these women deserve better than you. You sound yo me lime you are a kind, sensitive and intelligent person. You have not been harshly judgemental of Sara, and you have had success with your work - you have a lot going for you - a lot more than many men.

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ZPS. I don't think Sara is embarrassed by your age, but unfortunately I do think she is likely on the lookout for other people (men) who will also help her support her lifestyle. I was actually reading recently that there is at least one "dating site" for this type of relationship - young women who wish to travel and go to nice places, but only with men who can pay for all this and more. I just tell you this because if Sara goes, and this is what you really want - I think you will want MORE one day - she is not the only one. There are other young pretty women a lot like her.

 

I am not really sure what I think about her. She definitely ask for money and 20 to 30 grand in less than six months is a lot of money. But she always said she would pay me back (I don't expect this is happening though). She is also very smart, beautiful and with a perfect body so she can easily get anyone she wants. Trust me, Dubai is full of people with deep pockets. So, sometimes I think why would she stick with me and even go to all these holidays. I have not found the answer so far.

 

It is true that she asks for money all the time and sometimes for really stupid reasons but whenever I gave her my wallet or credit card, she has never misused it. She is smart for sure but I think she is okay as well.

 

I think it is a combination of two things - she want money but at the same time, she wants to have me as friend.

 

I just want to survive for some time, let me find something else to do in life. I realised that I don't have any hobby, I am not making new friends and I was just too busy with my work. I need to change that also.

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You are welcome Mike. I'm so sorry for you and your wife for the loss of your daughter. I think it is very possible that your wife left you because she was in grief with the loss of your daughter. I hope there will be some contact between you both as even though you say she did not have a lot of experiences before you, you likely had some years of happiness to stay together for 12 years. Please don't say these women deserve better than you. You sound yo me lime you are a kind, sensitive and intelligent person. You have not been harshly judgemental of Sara, and you have had success with your work - you have a lot going for you - a lot more than many men.

 

Thank you. There are times when I want to end everything and then there are times when I want to reinvent myself after reading posts like this. I hope you understand what is the value of your post to me.

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Hey just saw your journal. Sorry to read about your divorce and your parents and daughter's passing. Do you have any one in your social support network? That's usually what makes the difference between if and how well someone survives tragic incidents like these. Also, it sounds like you should talk to a therapist about these depressive thoughts, aside from taking antidepressant. It may help to have a professional listen to you and give advice.

 

Regarding Sara, I won't be surprised if she has other guys she sleeps with and in turn give her money, I see it as a more expensive / higher level of escort (kind of like "the girlfriend experience"). I will say she likes the easy way to get money and see no need to actually do an honest day's work. When she gets too old for this kind of "work", she'll probably just hook in a guy to fall for her and to marry her. I won't speculate if what she told you about her degree etc is real, but I won't be surprised if it's not.

 

Regarding love and happiness, I don't think that one can ever find happiness through material possessions, whether that be money or luxury products or status (all related of course). It's like drugs, the more you possession you have, the more you require to reach the same level of happiness again. The things that make you the happiest, do not require money.

 

Of course, one can't do without money, but there's only a certain amount you need before it becomes irrelevant to your happiness/comfort in life. More does not equals better. I read many stories of how people win the lotto and lost all their relationships and lost all their winnings within a couple of years. I know everyone would like to have lots of money and conceptually, I wouldn't say no if say I win the lotto tomorrow and end up with a lot of money. But I'm happy with the slightly above amount that I make, because I know that once you get to a place where you earn a lot of money, something has to give, whether it's the ability to be carefree or amount of time and attention to dedicate to nurturing relationships or the feeling of belonging or stress level.

 

You know, sometimes being on top (successful) is lonely. Because you're not amongst the others. You're on top by yourself.

 

I recently saw a TED talk video that talked about a very long study done by a group of people at Harvard, that follows 70-80 people from the time they were studying to when they are old, sending them questionnaires every couple of years to ask them how they are doing in life and to rate their own happiness. The ones who are happy, are not the richest, most successful ones, they are the ones that have the best relationships. It's a bit long for such a simple message it's trying to get across, but if you're interested, here's the link:

 

Happiness has always been my goal since I was a child, when people ask me what I wanted to be when I grow up, I would say I wanted to be happy. Back then I didn't know what it meant, I just knew I wanted to be happy. As I grew older, I figured that being happy is not something you try to achieve one day, when you've achieved this or that in life, it is a daily effort to just BE happy. To appreciate every little thing that is good in life, maybe it's the sunshine in the morning, maybe it's the smell of rain, maybe it's a good cup of coffee. Maybe it's spending time with friends. It's never too late to start being happy (of course, if you are clinically depressed, you can't just make yourself be happy, and will need to start with medication).

 

What is love? I think we are all learning as we go. Sometimes it takes a few failed relationships for us to learn and get better at it. Considering it's your first real relationship, don't feel bad that it failed (albeit after so long).

 

To me, love is kindness and respect, as well as dedicating enough time and effort to keep that connection between you alive. That's hard, over the long term, when life throwing all kinds of curve balls at you. But all we can do is try our best.

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Hey just saw your journal. Sorry to read about your divorce and your parents and daughter's passing. Do you have any one in your social support network? That's usually what makes the difference between if and how well someone survives tragic incidents like these. Also, it sounds like you should talk to a therapist about these depressive thoughts, aside from taking antidepressant. It may help to have a professional listen to you and give advice.

 

Regarding Sara, I won't be surprised if she has other guys she sleeps with and in turn give her money, I see it as a more expensive / higher level of escort (kind of like "the girlfriend experience"). I will say she likes the easy way to get money and see no need to actually do an honest day's work. When she gets too old for this kind of "work", she'll probably just hook in a guy to fall for her and to marry her. I won't speculate if what she told you about her degree etc is real, but I won't be surprised if it's not.

 

Regarding love and happiness, I don't think that one can ever find happiness through material possessions, whether that be money or luxury products or status (all related of course). It's like drugs, the more you possession you have, the more you require to reach the same level of happiness again. The things that make you the happiest, do not require money.

 

Of course, one can't do without money, but there's only a certain amount you need before it becomes irrelevant to your happiness/comfort in life. More does not equals better. I read many stories of how people win the lotto and lost all their relationships and lost all their winnings within a couple of years. I know everyone would like to have lots of money and conceptually, I wouldn't say no if say I win the lotto tomorrow and end up with a lot of money. But I'm happy with the slightly above amount that I make, because I know that once you get to a place where you earn a lot of money, something has to give, whether it's the ability to be carefree or amount of time and attention to dedicate to nurturing relationships or the feeling of belonging or stress level.

 

You know, sometimes being on top (successful) is lonely. Because you're not amongst the others. You're on top by yourself.

 

I recently saw a TED talk video that talked about a very long study done by a group of people at Harvard, that follows 70-80 people from the time they were studying to when they are old, sending them questionnaires every couple of years to ask them how they are doing in life and to rate their own happiness. The ones who are happy, are not the richest, most successful ones, they are the ones that have the best relationships. It's a bit long for such a simple message it's trying to get across, but if you're interested, here's the link

 

Happiness has always been my goal since I was a child, when people ask me what I wanted to be when I grow up, I would say I wanted to be happy. Back then I didn't know what it meant, I just knew I wanted to be happy. As I grew older, I figured that being happy is not something you try to achieve one day, when you've achieved this or that in life, it is a daily effort to just BE happy. To appreciate every little thing that is good in life, maybe it's the sunshine in the morning, maybe it's the smell of rain, maybe it's a good cup of coffee. Maybe it's spending time with friends. It's never too late to start being happy (of course, if you are clinically depressed, you can't just make yourself be happy, and will need to start with medication).

 

What is love? I think we are all learning as we go. Sometimes it takes a few failed relationships for us to learn and get better at it. Considering it's your first real relationship, don't feel bad that it failed (albeit after so long).

 

To me, love is kindness and respect, as well as dedicating enough time and effort to keep that connection between you alive. That's hard, over the long term, when life throwing all kinds of curve balls at you. But all we can do is try our best.

Hi Notalay,

 

Thank you for spending time to comment on my journal.

 

I don’t have a support group since my wife and I did not tell everyone about our separation. Our families are in Canada and we both are in Dubai but living at different places. Only her sister knows so unless everything is finalised, I do not want to talk to anyone about it. What if my wife comes back to me? I don’t want my or her family having a bad opinion about her. People only remember the bad stuff, not the good things.

 

I think she is taking advantage of me. It is fairly certain now since whenever we meet, she comes up with some excuse to get some money. I will write another post about what happened today.

 

I have to accept; Sara is very good at it. I still don’t want to believe it though.

 

I guess, it will take me sometime to realise what I really want in life. I think, I am a bit more positive now. Lets see how things go.

 

I will walk the TED talk tonight. Thank you for sharing.

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Sara and I have this list of things we want to do. These are mundane stuff from having coffee on a particular day of the week to a sleep over once a month to going on vacation, trying new bars and restaurants. We keep changing it.

 

Monday was our sleep over night and Sara said she will let me know when she is finishing her work.

Her work is kind of weird. I hope it exists. She works with UK so she starts late in the day and works late till 8 or 9 in the night. She never lets me drop her to the work though I drop her to her place all the time. I have never visited her place and sleep over at her place was on our to-do list but she said it is not a good idea as she has flatmates. She is very punctual about her gym and personal training schedule. Last Friday she had coffee with me in the morning and then went for a brunch and later clubbing even though, it was a working day for her. So, I would like to believe that there is

some kind of work but I am not sure.

 

She did not text me till noon so I messaged her to check if we are meeting. She said she was a work, even though it was a Sunday. Sunday is a working day in Dubai but not in UK. Sara said she works for a British firm. Later, she said, she can only come around 11:00pm. We chatted about it and finally, she said, she can come over at 8:00 since I made reservation for a fancy restaurant.

 

We went for the dinner, followed by drinks at a very nice bar. Everything went very smooth and we both had great evening. We came home and again had another drink at home. Later, she made some excuse saying that she cut herself so we cannot have sex but we can just make out. It was strange.

 

We woke up at 5:30 and went to the gym and came back around 7:30 and then chatted a bit, had coffee and then after shower, she announced that she got her periods. She said it was great news since she was not getting any after the procedure she had in during Christmas break.

 

 

I have to say, even though we did not kind of have sex, we had amazing time. She showed so much affection tonight and later in the morning and as usual, discussions were great. I really enjoyed it.

 

 

This period excuse happened few times in the past as well but I am not really sure what to think of it. We fooled around and did some stuff. Later We had breakfast at a restaurant and then I dropped her home.

 

Right before we reached her place, she said, she needed some money to get grocery and if I can give her few hundred bucks which I did.

I feel that the entire story about getting a cut with a garment tag and periods was kind of made up. I don’t really know as I still want to believe her. I don’t know if I should confront her about these things, her job, her business etc.

 

I am going on another business trip for a night. I will be back on Wednesday night and she asked me to pick her up at 6:00am so that we can have some fun.

 

I feel, periods are going to spoil our plan again.

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Let me start by saying that I am biased towards her. To me, she feels perfect to my hearth even though, my mind raises so many red flags. To be honest, I don't have anything to prove that these doubts are based upon facts, it is just gut feeling.

 

Money - Almost every meeting of ours end up with her asking for some help and I just cannot say no. Sometimes, the reasons are valid - money for food, grocery, new shoes for work, new clothes for work, but some of the reasons are just outrageous, like money for the gym membership, money for personal trainer, money for investment in her garment business. She lives right on the beach and there are plenty of Meetup available for free exercise. She said that she will return the garment business money on Jan 30th but now, she says that it is safe with her mom and I told her no to worry about it. The other loans she was going to pay back when she gets a new job which she did but so far, there is nothing. I know, I am never going to get anything back but that is okay.

 

Her job She says that she has a job in financial industry. I hope she does but I am not sure if she does. She says her timing is 9:00 am to 9:00 pm since she is a junior and sometimes she has to work late. She just started this job and she has already gone with me on one vacation. She is taking another three weeks vacation in March which was approved by her boss at the time of her interview. I am not sure what to read into it.

 

Her life style She is a very simple girl, just too simple with very little early possession. I saw her in the same shoes every time I met her until I bought her few pairs. She has these nice but not so expensive dresses. She has great taste in style but she always looks for bargains. She says that she arrived in Dubai in last summer and never had a job but she has been to all the fancy places in Dubai and Dubai is pretty expensive. Almost every weekend she is having brunch and going clubbing. Rents are also expensive here and she lives in an expensive area. How does she fund this life style?

 

Some weird stuff I am not sure if it is weird or just our age difference. Right when we started meeting up, she sent me a very revealing pic of her and later after few weeks, two more. I did not ask but she said, she was in good mood. None of them with face though, I know she is smart. She talks when she is a bit tipsy and the topic somehow turns to sex. She said that she started late but after joining the uni, she pretty much tried everything. She accepted that she has had three friends with benefits kind of relationship in UK but did not elaborate much. She has pretty wild sex stories to share. I kind of like her honesty and think, maybe, it is just the age difference. Sex with her is amazing.

 

I should also add that whatever information she provided me with regards to her family, it is absolutely accurate. She is the mysterious one. She also went to LSE so that is true as well.

 

What do you guys think? All signs point out to that she might be using me as a sugar daddy, considering I met her online. But what if she is real? What if she really needed financial help?

Would love to hear your thoughts as my judgement is clouded. Please do read my initial post about her qualities also.

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Yes this woman is full of red flags, if your intention is to actually date her or be in a relationship with her. You seemed accepting that she's using you for money and don't expect her to pay you back, and seemed happy with this type of money-for-companionship relationship, that's why I didn't really comment on that. Now you're talking about dating, then no, 100x no. This woman isn't looking for a relationship.

 

Everyone is capable of supporting themselves, unless you're disabled perhaps, so there is zero excuse for not being able to supporting herself and having to ask money from others. First thing she did when she met you for the first time ever was to ask you for money, that's the biggest red flag ever. I would've told you to run the other way if your goal was to find someone to be in a relationship with.

 

I don't understand how you can say she's a "simple girl", then in the same breath say that she's been to expensive fancy places and lives in an expensive area, and you've said more than once that she asked you for money for luxury items, or just generally buying things.

 

Let me make this very very clear, no normal human being (unless they're begging on the street...) would ask a stranger they're meeting for the first time for money, nor would they keep asking for money from you. What she said the money is used for is IRRELEVANT.

 

This doesn't mean she's not having a good time with you, but that's where it stops. She's all about having a good time, sex, money. That's it.

 

So are you a sugar daddy? Yes. You get the benefit of companionship of a younger, attractive woman, have great sex, in turn she gets money. Don't be deluded into thinking there's more.

 

Try stop giving her money, tell her you don't have anymore money. See how fast she disappears from your life.

 

Seriously, I can't believe you're even questioning this. Yes your gut is trying to tell you something, I suggest you listen to it.

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Yes this woman is full of red flags, if your intention is to actually date her or be in a relationship with her. You seemed accepting that she's using you for money and don't expect her to pay you back, and seemed happy with this type of money-for-companionship relationship, that's why I didn't really comment on that. Now you're talking about dating, then no, 100x no. This woman isn't looking for a relationship.

 

Everyone is capable of supporting themselves, unless you're disabled perhaps, so there is zero excuse for not being able to supporting herself and having to ask money from others. First thing she did when she met you for the first time ever was to ask you for money, that's the biggest red flag ever. I would've told you to run the other way if your goal was to find someone to be in a relationship with.

 

I don't understand how you can say she's a "simple girl", then in the same breath say that she's been to expensive fancy places and lives in an expensive area, and you've said more than once that she asked you for money for luxury items, or just generally buying things.

 

Let me make this very very clear, no normal human being (unless they're begging on the street...) would ask a stranger they're meeting for the first time for money, nor would they keep asking for money from you. What she said the money is used for is IRRELEVANT.

 

This doesn't mean she's not having a good time with you, but that's where it stops. She's all about having a good time, sex, money. That's it.

 

So are you a sugar daddy? Yes. You get the benefit of companionship of a younger, attractive woman, have great sex, in turn she gets money. Don't be deluded into thinking there's more.

 

Try stop giving her money, tell her you don't have anymore money. See how fast she disappears from your life.

 

Seriously, I can't believe you're even questioning this. Yes your gut is trying to tell you something, I suggest you listen to it.

 

I don’t want to date Sara and it is not because of me, it is because of her. We got married when my wife was very young and I don’t think, that was fair to her. I do not want to repeat the same mistake, although, I have no intention to get married again. I think, Sara filled the gap created by the separation with my wife. That’s all.

 

I know Sara is not looking for relationship and I kind of know (don’t want to believe it though) that she is in it for easy life. I worry about her because she will not be the same physically in next five or maximum ten years. She will not age well. It is just genes and then, all that easy life will end but she is smart so she will find someone who really loves her and can take care of her.

 

I say she is simple gift because she can get excited equally with McD or a fancy restaurant. She is happy at both places.

 

Sometimes, I feel that she does not really have good time with me, I think, it is just money which brings her to me. I enjoy her company though.

 

Notalady, I hear you very clear and I appreciate it. Right now, I want anything that can keep me busy, that can give me a purpose to live, that can make me feel alive.

 

Maybe, when I am really tired of it, I will ask Sara to explain everything to me.

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I am trying to work on myself, I am trying to find new desires to live, I am trying to find things to do to keep myself busy.

 

I cannot come home early from work because my empty dark home makes me sad and vulnerable. All I can think of negative thoughts and how I got nothing to do. I know, there are few people who would be sad if I am gone but what is the use of this life if I don’t have a reason to live.

It is a struggle for every breath.

 

At one moment, I am busy and I am well. At the very next moment, my tears are rolling down on my cheeks and I don’t even know why I am crying. I am unable o control my thoughts. I have to tell my office that I have some kind of allergy and that is why my eyes are red these days.

 

I made a list of things to improve my life:

 

Make new friends – I have not done this in ages

Find a hobby – I realized, I considered my work my hobby. That cannot be right.

Work on a final goal – I need to make sure that everyone around me is happy when I am gone.

 

I kept thinking on my flight this morning, what if this plane falls down and everything just ends. That way, it was God’s wish and I had nothing to do with it.

 

I can be good if I knew, how can I control my thoughts.

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I had bad start of my day. I felt really negative this morning but I was okay during the day.

 

I guess it has to do with how busy my day was. I spent entire day in meetings and I think, if my mind is busy, I can survive. This is good.

 

Found some online therapists as well. I will look into it during the week.

 

Chatted with Sara a bit. She has been very active on the chat, I wonder what is coming next.

 

A very long day, I have been up for 19 hours already and I still need to do some emails.

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Slept like a baby after such a long time. Perhaps I was very tired yesterday or maybe, my mind was at ease.

 

Tonight I fly back home. Coming few days are going to be very busy at work and home. My wife messaged me if I wanted to go to a concert with her and I said yes because that is what I wanted to do. I still hope that she comes back to me but I am not sure if that will happen.

 

I like busy, it keeps my mind busy.

 

I asked Sara if we were meeting on Thursday as per our routine meet up and she said why not. She wants me to pay for her gym membership. She is also looking to rent her own place. Lets see how it goes.

 

One day at a time.

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My business trip was great. Actually, I enjoyed it, going back to the market, talking to my team and getting a feel of what is happening.

 

I kind of stopped working for last seven eight months. All I was doing is checking my emails and delegating work to my team. It seems that if I work, it takes away my mind from negative stuff and also, I get tired so I sleep well. I have had weeks where I was sleeping less than two hours a day.

 

I think, if I still to my plan, things can be better. I am going to do it - make friends, find a hobby and work hard.

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Our usual monthly Monday morning fun did not happen as planned so we agreed upon meeting again during the week. I am not sure why but Sara was super nice to me while I was away on the business trip. She kept sending messages, kept talking about tons of stuff and told me how she is waiting for me to come back.

 

I had a personal training at 6:00 so we agreed upon that should would come to my place around 7:00 am. Surprisingly, she offered to come before my training so that she can take a nap and also shower before I finish my training. This was a nice surprise and I thought, she might change it later on. However, when I got up in the morning, she asked me to pick her up at 5:30 which was a huge surprise for me.

 

Sara is normally late but this week, she has been on time. We had really good sex (She said she enjoyed it too) after the training and then we went out for breakfast before I dropped her.

 

How do you know if someone is enjoying sex with you? She says that she keeps coming back to me is a sign that she enjoys my company.

 

She has been so nice to me in last one week and I am not sure why. Perhaps, she just wants to be a better friend with me. We are doing more stuff together, like 5K run every week, coffee every week and once in a while bit of fun. We are planning the next vacation again. I guess, if we continue this strange relationship, we will have vacation every month.

 

She asked me to pay for her gym membership for next four months which I did and couple of hundreds to see a doc. I started making notes of how much money now I give her.

 

I long for the day when our meeting ends with her asking money. If I am not wrong, few times, she did not ask for anything. She says that she will continue her relationship with me irrespective of our marital situation and our location. She even said that if I am in financial need and she is able to help, she will help. She says our friendship is for forever.

 

I can only hope.

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I have an annual review with my boss who is company president today. Market has been very tough due to low oil prices but my division is still holding up and we are still growing though a very little. I don't think that is enough for him and I think, he wants more. He is probably not happy with me but there is nothing me or my team can do. It looks like there is a big disconnect between our office and the corporate office.

 

I hope it goes well, I hope I work at the same place for few more years but if not, I am done with working all together. I can get good money from him if he fires me which is not a possibility but knowing me, I am always over analysing things.

 

I have enjoyed all of my job but this is the best as it comes with very good compensation and power. We need money to run life and power with responsibility can never be bad.

 

Lets see what happens.

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I lost five people in less than two years who were very close to me. I am trying to figure out what did I do wrong? What did I do wrong so that my entire world fell apart within such a short time period?

 

People say Karma is a but how come people who are not that good are always winning?

 

My parents were really good people and everyone really liked them. They treated everyone with respect and they had huge respect in the society. My wife has the biggest heart I have ever seen and she is such an amazing person. She can never hurt anyone and she is always there to help people. I am probably not a good guy but I have not done anything in my life I am ashamed of.

 

Few things I remember from my past is not giving back 13 bucks to a girl in my uni. I tried to return her money, she was not in her room and that was my last day at the uni. I don't think, she misses those 13 bucks but I still feel bad about it.

 

There were two girls who were interested in me and had feelings for me. We were good friends but as I am so bad at reading people's feeling and communication, I never had any clue. They told me later on, but I don't think that I cheated them. I don't think I gave them any false promises.

 

Other than that, I don't really think I did anything wrong. Business is business, we need to be smart and there is nothing personal.

 

When I was small, my elder brother used to show me all the stars in the sky and tried to explain to me about our galaxy and other stars and how the entire system does not have any end. I used to get scared, thinking we are so tiny in this universe. That is the reality. We don't matter at all but here I am, like billions others who think they are the centre of this universe. Do we really matter? Does anything we do matter? E=mc2 so nothing comes to this universe and nothing goes away from this universe. We all are made of tiny molecules of various material.

 

Does our feeling really matter?

 

Why do we want to live a good life? Dictators live a good life, they are rich, they eat good food, live in palaces, drive expensive cars, have sex with anyone they want and kill people for fun. Once they die, they also go back to the same earth and their body gets converted into the same oxygen, nitrogen, carbon, nitrogen, calcium, sulfur etc. So does a good person.

 

So what is the reason for living a good moral life? Why I cannot be a bad person? What if Sara is not telling me the truth? She is happy, she lives better life than me and most of the people I have seen.

 

I tried to be bad but I just don't know how to say no to people.

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