5 months post break up. What can i actually do to get him back?

[AbandonedMe]

Thanks Mari, for your post! And IF my ex is still in the relationship with the new girl, would you suggest to ask him for the meeting, too? Or rather to give him space and shift a possible meeting to a later point of time?

[RainyCoast]

he feels guilty? of what?

[AbandonedMe]

Of betraying. he cheated on me with the co worker and jumped in a relationship with her. cheating was happening 3 days before dumping me.

[RainyCoast]

oh darn. i'm very sorry to hear that.

 

so he chose someone else, aka didn't want you even back when you were together. plus that's some moral code he has, to get involved while in a relationship.

 

i would sit down with a counselor for a session or two to help me see him more objectively. pushing for a relationship in which i've not been appreciated or wanted would be pushing for a very low quality experience.

[Mari]

Thanks Mari, for your post! And IF my ex is still in the relationship with the new girl, would you suggest to ask him for the meeting, too? Or rather to give him space and shift a possible meeting to a later point of time?

 

That depends on who you are and who he is. I would ask him even if he is so that I'm getting the information straight from him and not guessing. As time goes on your investment in him will go down and so will his. What makes people come back is if things don't work out as well with the new person or if they are still stuck on the last relationship and aren't allowing the new one to work. Matching up timing gets harder as time goes on. You may want him now but 3 months down the line you may not want him because you tried and it didn't work, his new relationship may end and then he'd want to come back but you may not let him. I hope things work out for you with him or otherwise.

[AbandonedMe]

Yes, I know. The point is that I made a lot of mistakes, too. And he always treated me so well. He was a good bf in fact. Just the end is totally messed up. If I wouldnt have acted how I did, he would still be at my side. I hope we can one day forgive each other. If love is still there (and from my side it is), I think it's worth to at least try it to get back trust. There should be a second chance in case people apologize and won't repeat their mistakes.

[AbandonedMe]

That depends on who you are and who he is. I would ask him even if he is so that I'm getting the information straight from him and not guessing. As time goes on your investment in him will go down and so will his. What makes people come back is if things don't work out as well with the new person or if they are still stuck on the last relationship and aren't allowing the new one to work. Matching up timing gets harder as time goes on. You may want him now but 3 months down the line you may not want him because you tried and it didn't work, his new relationship may end and then he'd want to come back but you may not let him. I hope things work out for you with him or otherwise.

 

 

Thanks! That sounds very true to me. By time people generellay detach from each other. I recognize it for myself, too. Guess I shouldn't postpone a meeting any longer. I also have the feeling as if he wants to wait with the meeting until all his residual feelings for me are gone. At least this is how it seems from reading his messages. And in half a year I'll probably not need a talk anymore. I feel like I could need it now, or at least in the nearest future.

[Mari]

Thanks! That sounds very true to me. By time people generellay detach from each other. I recognize it for myself, too. Guess I shouldn't postpone a meeting any longer. I also have the feeling as if he wants to wait with the meeting until all his residual feelings for me are gone. At least this is how it seems from reading his messages. And in half a year I'll probably not need a talk anymore. I feel like I could need it now, or at least in the nearest future.

 

Yeah that's the chicken and egg hurdle most people go through. They don't want to talk because it hurts, but when it doesn't hurt it doesn't because they lost interest. And then why talk when they're not interested? Just talk now, see where it goes and you either get him or you walk away knowing you tried your best and it didn't work.

 

I'm interested in the outcome if you have time to post what happens. Thanks.

[Krankor]

People (myself included) would tell you to move on because our honest opinion is that this would be in your best interest.

 

However, you are looking for a specific piece of advice, so I will do my best to provide that on your terms.

 

He's a man, so sometimes an appeal to logic as well as a tug on the heartstrings can work. So, send him one last message just telling him how you feel. Make it brief: you miss him, you want him back. Apologize and take responsibility for the things you did in the past which drove him away and tell him that you've worked on yourself and ask for another chance to prove it. Just tell him that if he ever changes his mind about the breakup to let you know and that you won't be contacting him again.

 

Basically, you simply make your case, put the ball in his court, and walk away. It's very important that you not contact him anymore afterward because that will only push him away. He can't feel any pressure from you. Just walk away and live your life knowing that you took your best shot and he knows where to find you.

 

However, I don't want to give you false hope--this is your best hope and it may work, but it probably won't. If it doesn't, please do consider the "move on" advice. We give that advice because we've all been hurt and have found our peace in accepting it's over, putting it behind us, and moving forward. He's not the only man on the planet.

[AbandonedMe]

Thanks Mari and Krankor!

Really appreciate your advices. I'll try to play my cards right. And then it's up to him. And if he doesn't want to give us another try, then at least I'll be able to move on knowing I have done anything I could. I'll be back for sure telling about the outcome of this.

[Confused249550]

Honestly I'm going through something similar and I know it hurts and everything and I'm not going to tell you to move on but maybe you should try to go on dates with someone else and keep some options open if he is still in the relationship. His new relationship was probably a rebound anyways. If he loves yo uhe will come back. You should try not contact for a month or however long it takes for him to try to talk to you first. I know you think he is the one but if he isn't treating you right and playing mind games then maybe he isn't who you believe he is.

[AbandonedMe]

I asked him by text message for a meeting, he refused for now. He sayd it is too early for him and that he feels chased from me and that he gets stressed by that (I contacted him only three times in 5,5 months).... He says he has mental problems, and it is hard for him, too (I didnt ask further, but seems he isn't very happy at the moment).

He sayd he is sad and I should please not rub salt in wounds. And that we will meet later but it will come naturally when he's ready then.

When I told him that it's not my aim to blame him in the meeting he sayd "please look forward not back."

 

I am very sad that he isn't ready yet to meet. Cause I feel like would need the meeting now, not in half a year or whatsoever. I asked him why he is ignoring me and why he's so cold towards me and he sayd it's his way of coping with everthing. But that he goes crazy anyway.

 

 

So guess there is nothing really what i could do? If I ask again for a meeting, he will run away from me completely. But if I dont ask we just wont have any contact anymore neither (I dont believe he will ever contact me from his own). It is really hard for me, especially because I wished at least one talk person to person. To me it seems I am not unimportant to him but he made the decision and sticks with that. Maybe he also doesnt want to meet because he is afraid to change his mind then, I dont know.

[Dahl]

Understanding and accepting your situation is not the same thing as you endorsing the same. You don't have to want this break up to want the best for yourself in the face of it.

 

He's done, he's gone. That doesn't mean that you stop feeling unhappy about it and rally immediately, of course. I'm sorry that you're unhappy.

[RainyCoast]

OP. when people suggest that i am acting contrary to my best interest, even if i can't personally see it, i follow the 48 hours before acting rule. on bigger decisions, i make it 2 weeks before acting.

 

if it can work, then a few hours or weeks won't make a difference.

 

i would print out these responses and stick them in my planner. then i would log off for a few days. dig up the garden. have lunch someplace two hours drive away. walk someone's dog daily. clean out the basement. create some mundane low-key bother for myself, so that my mind has a chance to abandon it's stubborn synaptic pathways, so that in a week or so i can see things afresh. read these responses once daily, at a set time. i'd come back here in a week or two, and talk about how i see it again. maybe the new vista will confirm the decision to try again, maybe it won't. at least i would know i didn't act with tunnel vision, as we often do when we feel too strongly about something to even allow ourself the thought of living without it.

 

If I ask again for a meeting, he will run away from me completely. But if I dont ask we just wont have any contact anymore neither (I dont believe he will ever contact me from his own).

you did ask again, he did decline again. yes, he has made the decision and is sticking with it. there really is nothing more to try, but gradual acceptance. you'll get there.

[Wiseman2]

Ok that's a clear signal to go no contact and leave him alone.

I asked him by text message for a meeting, he refused for now. He sayd it is too early for him and that he feels chased from me and that he gets stressed by that

[Dahl]

OP. when people suggest that i am acting contrary to my best interest, even if i can't personally see it, i follow the 48 hours before acting rule. on bigger decisions, i make it 2 weeks before acting.

 

 

This is inspired, and RainyCoast, I'll be employing this concept liberally to my life. Thanks!

[RainyCoast]

This is inspired, and RainyCoast, I'll be employing this concept liberally to my life. Thanks!

 

it has always felt like an acceptable option to me because if a thing is good, it can wait "two sleeps", it won't be gone so easily. if a major thing is good, it will wait until i have a chance to see it from all angles. only fake good will disappear when seen objectively.

[rtyu4567]

In my opinion and if were me, (and it has been, similar) I would begin moving forward and practicing acceptance that it may very well be over. I personally seeked counseling, talked to close. Family n friends and read articles denial and on how to heal from a heart break. It can be very painful to come to terms with the end of a relationship as well as feeling the painful feelings and heart ache but wondering, waiting and rejection was horrid too. None of this is easy. For myself, I opted for achieving a healthy mind, healing and knowing that I deserve love, desire on a mutual basis not having to ask for it or wonder. I wish you healing light and love op.

[Mari]

I asked him by text message for a meeting, he refused for now. He sayd it is too early for him and that he feels chased from me and that he gets stressed by that (I contacted him only three times in 5,5 months).... He says he has mental problems, and it is hard for him, too (I didnt ask further, but seems he isn't very happy at the moment).

He sayd he is sad and I should please not rub salt in wounds. And that we will meet later but it will come naturally when he's ready then.

When I told him that it's not my aim to blame him in the meeting he sayd "please look forward not back."

 

I am very sad that he isn't ready yet to meet. Cause I feel like would need the meeting now, not in half a year or whatsoever. I asked him why he is ignoring me and why he's so cold towards me and he sayd it's his way of coping with everthing. But that he goes crazy anyway.

 

 

So guess there is nothing really what i could do? If I ask again for a meeting, he will run away from me completely. But if I dont ask we just wont have any contact anymore neither (I dont believe he will ever contact me from his own). It is really hard for me, especially because I wished at least one talk person to person. To me it seems I am not unimportant to him but he made the decision and sticks with that. Maybe he also doesnt want to meet because he is afraid to change his mind then, I dont know.

 

He may have people telling him to cut contact and heal. Or he may be choosing to end it on his own. Either way, you're not doing much to him but he's taking it very negatively which makes me question if he's worth having a relationship with. If he has mental issues, I recommend thinking of his actions as someone that has mental issues and not a reflection of your worth. I think you did the right thing here and I hope you find someone that's sane and is a positive person. Someone else in his position may have reacted by jumping to see you but unfortunately he has issues.

[AbandonedMe]

We met. Last week. Talked for around 1,5h. We kissed. Cuddled. And he told me he loves me. But he is with that other girl. Already for half year. He says he is with her to not be lonely... that it may look on surface that he is with her, but his heart was all the time with me...

 

He says he wants to be with me, he is doubting his decision a lot. But he feels not ready. He still thinks about our fights and cant look me in my eyes. I wrote him a message that I cant be an option. That its killing me that he is with her. And that i love him dearly but that i cant wait for him while he is goign on with that girl.

 

Waiting for his response.. What can I do to have the best chance that he breaks up with her?

[shaikah]

we met. Last week. Talked for around 1,5h. We kissed. Cuddled. And he told me he loves me. But he is with that other girl. Already for half year. He says he is with her to not be lonely... That it may look on surface that he is with her, but his heart was all the time with me...

 

He says he wants to be with me, he is doubting his decision a lot. But he feels not ready. He still thinks about our fights and cant look me in my eyes. I wrote him a message that i cant be an option. That its killing me that he is with her. And that i love him dearly but that i cant wait for him while he is goign on with that girl.

 

Waiting for his response.. What can i do to have the best chance that he breaks up with her?

 

same problem with me excat same ex boyfriend and how he is treating u....................

Im done with life