Co-Worker Signals Interest But Turns Me Down

[animallover03]

So there's this guy at work who has been sending signals that have shown interest but he's never actually asked me out. The first signal was him smelling my hair while standing behind me. We were both walking in the door at the same time and as he was behind me he smelled my hair. This definitely got my attention but not enough to make me think anything. The second signal was when I was standing with a few other female coworkers he turned around to look at me and then when I looked at him he quickly turned his head and stopped looking at me. The third signal happened when we were in a meeting with a few other coworkers and while a female coworker asked him a question I was looking at the female coworker asking the question. When I turned my head to look at him I found him to be staring at me. The coworker who was asking him the question was smiling which is what caused me to look at him in the first place. He continued maintaining eye contact with me for at least 5 seconds and then finished answering her question. After he answered her question he looked down at the ground for about five seconds while smiling and then continued talking to everybody again like nothing had ever happened. The fourth signal happened during a meeting with other coworkers as well and he mentioned to everyone how there was going to be a work party. I looked over at the bulletin on the wall to see where it was going to take place and when I turned my head back towards him he was already staring at me. He maintained eye contact for at least 5 more seconds and then broke it and continued talking to the group. After this incident I felt like he was definitely interested in me. So the next time I went to work I asked him to help me carry a few heavy bags of supplies into the workplace. We both walked to my car and while doing so he looked behind him a couple times. As far as I know he's not dating anyone. We were able to talk a bit but nothing major happened this time. The fifth signal during a meeting was me sitting directly in front of him and him staring at several of my body parts during the entire time he was talking to the group. It even got to the point to where I was starting to feel a little uncomfortable. He stared at my shoes, legs, crotch and breasts. I was wearing a heavy coat and wasn't dressed provocatively at all. There have been times since then that another female coworker has sat directly in front of him during a meeting and he has not done this with her at all. We both ended up going to the party separately. He got there one hour later than me. Towards the end I moved closer to where he was because I wanted to talk to a coworker I hadn't seen for a while. While I talked with this other coworker I was standing a few feet away from him and was directly behind him. When he heard me start talking he turned his head in my direction at least three times including during the conversation as well but he never approached me. A few days later I decided to send him a message on Facebook. I told him "I don't know if I'm way off-base but I would like to get to know you outside of work." I also said "being on the clock doesn't allow for much time to talk." I told him if he was open to this to feel free to message me back. Lastly I wrote "either way I'm glad we've crossed paths." I could see that he was online at the time I sent it. I can only assume he read it when I sent it. He didn't reply until one day later and said this. "I'm flattered but I'm not interested in anything more in that sense. But it's been great working with you!" I'm so confused as to why he's been doing all of these things and yet turned down my invitation to go out outside of work. Did I misinterpret what he has been doing as signals? I have a few ideas as to why he said no but I wanted to get some advice from other people. By the way, I'm a single mom to a seven-year-old boy and he found this out after staring at me the first time, and yet still stared at me the second time, and did everything else thereafter. Thank you for any advice you can offer.

 

Sincerely,

Sarah

[Wiseman2]

This is the only real "signal" of whats happening. The rest are just random interactions and your interpretation..

he's never actually asked me out.

This sounds kind of creepy, if anything.

The first signal was him smelling my hair while standing behind me.

He stared at my shoes, legs, crotch and breasts.

[Dahl]

Hello, Sarah and welcome to the forum.

 

Is it possible that this chap's interest may be limited to, erm, 'interaction'.. But not a relationship - or anything remotely resembling one?

 

How does he behave with other people in the workplace? Have you seen him operating in the outside world?

[rosephase]

I don't think you read the signals wrong. There can be many reasons why someone isn't interested in dating someone they are attracted to. The two biggest I can see from your post are a) you work together and that adds a lot of risk if it doesn't work out, and b) maybe he doesn't want to date a single mother. Rational reasons for why dating is a bad idea doesn't make attraction stop.

[animallover03]

Rosephase: Good points. And I agree, A and B possibilities can definitely be reasons for not entering into a relationship. Thank you!

[Dahl]

This is the only real "signal" of whats happening. The rest are just random interactions and your interpretation..This sounds kind of creepy, if anything.

 

Okay, this is bothering me. The more I think about Wiseman's points, the more I personally feel like 'creepy' is bang on.

 

Sarah, the hair-sniffing move - how did you feel about that? Do you recall how you reacted? And especially how he behaved after he smelled you?

[reinventmyself]

eeeew. . He sounds creepy to me.

 

I would find it very disrespectful that a man I personally don't know would stare at my crotch and other body parts.

Smelling my hair means you've crossed over into my personal space and once again, I don't know you. At least not personally and not outside of work.

 

These type of things are inappropriate, (not flattering) especially in a work environment.

Hold out for a man who is respectful and doesn't lure at you and shows signs of wanting to get to know you by actually conversing as opposed to staring.

Only then should mention you'd like to get to know him better

[animallover03]

Wiseman2: I agree with you that he's never actually asked me out. The hair smelling and body parts staring did creep me out. I told a couple other people about that and they said the hair smelling was weird, and staring at body parts they wrote off as being caused by nerves, since he was conducting a meeting, but he's also never done that to other females who were sitting in the same seat I was.

[animallover03]

Dahl: He's quiet in general with others at the workplace. With me he's pretty much silent.

[animallover03]

Dahl: Smelling my hair did seem odd to me, but it didn't bother me. I didn't react at all, and I didn't try to see how he behaved afterwards. Thank you for the replies!

[reinventmyself]

I went to seminar for work place violence once.

 

The number one suspect is the loner, awkward, quiet one.

 

Don't mean to an alarmist but based on what you've shared, your picker might need adjusting.

[animallover03]

Reinventmyself: Good points, and I completely agree. Thank you for the reply.

[animallover03]

Reinventmyself: Oh wow. Never thought of that, but you do have a point. Thanks!

[justshine1]

How old are you guys and what kind of work place do you work?

 

Perhaps he doesn't like to date woman with children. Or perhaps he's already seeing someone and you just don't know.

 

Men are weird ....half the time we think they may be interested and they are not. They are just overly friendly

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Pay close attention to #1 and #3 on this list of creepy behavior: 10 creepy guy types

Don't mean to an alarmist but based on what you've shared, your picker might need adjusting.

[animallover03]

Justshine1: Yeah, makes sense. He's 27 and I'm 30. Mingling work and dating is tricky. So is mingling dating with single motherhood. I personally feel like he's attracted, but not interested enough to pursue it, for whatever reason.

[reinventmyself]

Justshine1: Yeah, makes sense. He's 27 and I'm 30. Mingling work and dating is tricky. So is mingling dating with single motherhood. I personally feel like he's attracted, but not interested enough to pursue it, for whatever reason.

 

sounds like he may be attracted but not for the right reasons.

[animallover03]

Wiseman2: I did read the article. Thank you!

[animallover03]

Reinventmyself: Good point.

[justshine1]

Justshine1: Yeah, makes sense. He's 27 and I'm 30. Mingling work and dating is tricky. So is mingling dating with single motherhood. I personally feel like he's attracted, but not interested enough to pursue it, for whatever reason.

 

 

 

 

Yeah a lot of ppl don't like to mix work with pleasure.

Maybe he thinks your hot but doesn't wanna make things weird and date a coworker.

 

How did you two even become fb friends?

[surfdiva]

I think the hair smelling would have absolutely freaked me out...reminds me of a Hannabal Lecter sort of this. As for the starring at body parts...again would have freaked me out. I'm not as gracious as you, I most like would have mouthed " are you LOOKING at"?

 

I'm sorry he turned you down, that's never fun. But you can do better than creeper-McCreeperson who's smelling women and starring at body parts.

[animallover03]

Justshine1: Agreed. We're not, I just sent him a Facebook message, because I thought he was interested, but too shy to do anything about it, or was feeling awkward pursuing it while at work. He doesn't seem like the type of person who does well when all eyes are on him.

[Wiseman2]

I think the hair smelling would have absolutely freaked me out...reminds me of a Hannabal Lecter sort of this.

]

[animallover03]

Surfdiva: Ha ha, I agree. Your reply made me laugh, thanks. I needed it considering how disappointed I felt after I read his reply.

[ParisPaulette]

Just because they notice you in a sexual way doesn't mean they want to take you out or have anything at all do with you outside of that. I'm sure if you'd messaged, "Look, I don't want anything from you but sex, meet me out back in my car in 5 minutes and we can go on pretending we don't know each other," he'd have been right there. And for heavens sake, don't do that. It's as bad as the hair-smelling, which I would have absolutely freaked on. Stare at my crotch and it's one of the last things you'll do before I bark in my best drill sergeant voice, "I'm up here, and you are not my gyno. Stop it." If you can't bellow, a well placed glare right between the eyes should put a stop to it. Totally inappropriate in the workplace. Or anyplace really.

 

This guy would freak me the flip out and I'd never be alone in a room with him. I'd also have work security and HR on speed dial if I had to be around him. Guys who are interested ask you out. They don't sniff your hair (shudders) or stare at your crotch (double shudder).

 

Hannibal Lecter indeed. Ewww.