What Do I Do

[cellis4]

I was in a four year relationship since the end of my senior year of highschool until I broke up with my ex in October (2 months before graduating college). It’s been really hard. Basically while we dated, we were inseparable, we did everything together, we never fought, I loved and still love him very much. He is more of an old fashioned soul. He doesn’t really have his phone on him that much, and it’s frequently dead or not with him. But we would still see each other almost everyday. When we first went to college, I was living in the dorm and he was living at home. I stayed with him most nights, but we ended up wasting away the semester and both failing. The next semester, I got myself together and did better, but he still managed to mess up. The biggest problem in our relationship was that he wasn’t doing what he needed to be doing in school and he would lie about doing better, but in reality wasn’t. He loved me so much and I loved him, but it was constantly a smack in the face when I would find out he wasn’t progressing in school. So I told him at the beginning of my last semester of college that if he doesn’t do better, I can’t be with him anymore because I’m graduating and I don’t know what I’m doing after. Well, come to find out he was literally failing everything. It sucked to find out. And I’m not making excuses for him because I stayed with him every night and managed to get through school, but he worked a lot more than me and he just didn’t know how to manage his time. It just sucks because we were very serious about living with each other this May and I was happy during the relationship because I thought it was going to be so great to be working and he almost be done with school. We did a lot more things the last year of dating too and I am close with his family. But the night I found out, I broke down and stormed off. For a couple of months I would check up on him and he would check up on me. But I still tried to tell him that I needed my space and I didn’t want to talk to him. He was devastated for those months and he’s just starting to get back to normal. I have been trying not to bother him over text, but I’ll still hear from him every few weeks, and for a while we would have casual sex. But after new years, I went back to him crying saying I missed him, etc. Because I really do. I didn’t want things to end, I did it because I was trying to prove a point and wanted him to really try. Well, I started getting obsessed with people he would add on facebook or instagram and a couple of weeks ago I texted him and was like, “Why do you check up on me every few weeks if you add girls on facebook and instagram and seem like you want to move on?” and then I blocked him because I was hurt and upset and I don’t want to get hurt anymore. I truly was fine the first couple of months, and I think it was because I was in more control and I was still in school so I had that distraction. But now I’m a mess, I feel like I can’t live where I live because there’s a memory around every corner. So the other day I messaged him on facebook and ask that he block me on social media so I can’t even have the availability to find his account and he said that he didn’t want to do that because he likes to check up on me and see what I’m up to. So that night I was having a mental breakdown and I asked to talk to him on the phone. He told me to come over, and we didn’t really talk about much because it was late but he told me that he’s just trying to do well for himself and he’s not trying to go out and hook up with other girls and that the only person he feels a physical connection to is me. Well, I felt like I didn’t have closure or got to talk about what I really wanted to talk about. So I asked if I could see him the next night. This was last night. I wrote notes down with questions such as, “Do you text me every couple of weeks to validate yourself when you’re feeling lonely?”, “Do you want to move on but you’re afraid to say it or let me go?”, “Are you just as lost as I am?”,”Should we let each other go?” I let those questions sink in and I told him about what I feel when we don’t talk for a couple of weeks. I told him I’m constantly wondering if you’re talking to other girls, if you feel better off without me, etc. It eats me up inside. Gives me anxiety, and it makes me literally want to leave the state. He said that he feels the same way, and he puts scenarios about me in his head as well, so he can’t help to check up on me because it eats him up inside. He also said ” I never said I didn’t want to be with you, but this semester is so important because if I don’t do well and if I just go back to doing what I was doing, I wont do well. I just can’t worry about being in a relationship right now.” But the night before he talked about how he wants to go fishing and kayaking this summer and hopes to take me. Well last night we discussed and both decided that we need to take a month (per this article), no contact, no constant social media check ups, nothing. Just to work on ourselves. I’m trying to get into better shape, he’s trying to do well in school. Midterms are coming up for him and he’s taking spring break at his family cabin, and we’re going to meet up March 18th(which is coincidentally our anniversary). I love him so much and I think about him constantly and we had plans. This is only day 1 of the 30 days. The only doubts I have about getting back together with him is that I’ll get hurt again. And this pain is so unreal, that I don’t know if I can take it any longer. I’m afraid that he’s not going to want to officially jump back into a relationship in a month or that he’s going to realize that he likes the freedom of being alone. The only thing is that I don’t think my heart can take this constant 2 week check up after we meet up in a month. I know I have to respect his decision, and I know I have to make a decision. And I’m afraid it’s going to be the one that is the hardest for both of us.

[gebaird]

That middle space between being in a relationship and breaking up is absolute hell. You don't want to live there long-term.

 

You obviously have a pretty serious inner conflict, and it's spilling over into your relationship. You need to decide what you want independent of his actions and stick to it. Do you want to be done because he's an academic failure? If so, you'll be doing yourself and him a favor by walking away and staying away. Can you accept that he's just not "college material" and accept him exactly as he is? It seems that you are trying to change him, maybe even unintentionally manipulating him with threats of breaking up. Either accept him or reject him, but don't leave him in limbo like this.

 

30 days of no contact will be good for you both. DON'T BREAK IT. Spend that time getting very clear about what you want. If you decide you're willing to give the relationship another try, and he wants the same thing, great. If he doesn't want the same thing, be willing to let him go.

 

It's hard to keep a relationship alive from high school into adult life - so many changes happen during the college years. The choices we make in our late teens don't always fit the people we become in our early twenties.

 

The best and worst-case scenarios here have nothing to do with getting back together or breaking up. They have to do with finding yourself, moving past this and creating a beautiful life instead of staying stuck in this pain.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. You don't breakup to prove a point or coerce people. You breakup because a relationship isn't working. Also continuing to text and hookup doesn't "prove" anything.

 

It's your job to delete and block on social media, not his. So asking him that was to make yet another "point" that you're upset. Talking to therapists, not exes are for "mental breakdowns". Don't create drama just to see someone.

 

Be careful what you wish for. You broke up with him insisting he do better at school, so now he's telling you that's what he's focusing on.

I’ll still hear from him every few weeks, and for a while we would have casual sex. I went back to him crying saying I missed him, etc. I didn’t want things to end, I did it because I was trying to prove a point

He also said ” I never said I didn’t want to be with you, but this semester is so important because if I don’t do well and if I just go back to doing what I was doing, I wont do well. I just can’t worry about being in a relationship right now.”

[cellis4]

I agree that we don't know who we are. We're young, but every adventure I want to take I want it to be with him. Last night he talked about how our relationship was 90% great, but the other 10% was when he ed up. And I tried to tell him that I see my fault in the relationship too. He also said that I left him when he needed me the most. He never asked for help, and I found out when it was honestly too late to bring up his grades. But my mentality was, if he's lying about that what else is he lying about? I wanted him to do well in school because that's what he kept saying he wanted to. He wanted to prove himself to people that doubted him. I told him many times if he thought school wasn't for him, to get a job doing something else. He told me last night that he hopes to graduate in Fall of 2018 and he will be joining his dad's land surveying business and wants to start a family, and if it's with me then great. I really want to be with him and he knows that and he said he wants to be with me too. But that if we got back together now, he would have nothing new accomplished to show me and my parents. He's really worried about facing my parents. And I think I'm just afraid that this month apart, he might think he wants to be alone for a while. I just think when we meet up in a month if he's still wishy washy that I have to quit him cold turkey and like I've never been more miserable. And I've had siblings die, I've had a 10 year old cousin get cancer, and this pain is just as terrible. I'm normally a very strong person, but this is so different.

[Wiseman2]

His education and career are his business, not yours. His parents are paying for it and surely they had the talk about his grades, since his grades and graduation is a concern for them and him.

 

Also it seems he has a plan for his future and you need a better one than creeping his social media, hooking up, clinging, etc.

 

Stop. Leave him alone so you can learn to be more independent. You should be focusing on your graduation and grades and career, not his. You are not his mommy. He has parents and he has his own brain to think and make decisions with.

 

Stop being clingy and needy and jealous. It's ugly. Get therapy for the "mental breakdowns" or just stop using that as drama.

I told him many times if he thought school wasn't for him, to get a job doing something else. He told me last night that he hopes to graduate in Fall of 2018 and he will be joining his dad's land surveying business.

[cellis4]

I realize that. The only reason why I was getting so concerned with school (even though it's not really my place) was because I was thinking about the future and how we would struggle, etc. I was thinking realistically. But I love him anyways, whether he's in school or just working or whatever. I just know how smart he is and see his potential and that's another reason why I'd get frustrated. You're not wrong about anything you're saying. I really don't like creeping on him, but I was to the point where it was an impulse as soon as I go onto social media so I thought asking him to block me would be better for me, but I come to find out he's feeling the same and stalking my social media as well. And putting scenarios in our head of what the other person is doing. I mean, last night when I saw him it felt like everything was going to get better, but I'm taking these 30 days to really try to clear my head, make a pros and cons list, see what it's like to be alone for a while, and then hopefully get to a conclusion with him, whether it's good or bad. I'm tired of feeling exhausted all the time, I'm tired of working all day and by 2 or 3 I'm crying in the bathroom. I just feel like I really messed up and let something go that I shouldn't have. I know people say that if it's meant to be it will be, but I guess I'm just not ready to accept that it may not be. I've been exercising since we broke up, and that clears my head for a while, but it's like a constant knot in my throat or punch in the stomach. Maybe it's because we're each others first love, but I've literally never been this miserable and anxiety ridden for this amount of time. I want to work it out with him, but I don't want to force anything either. I definitely don't see it as one sided because he feels the same too, that's why he texts me every couple of weeks to "check up", but the time in between is a crappy feeling. I'm not asking you if you think we'll get back together. I just needed somewhere to vent. Somewhere where there's no bias.

[Wiseman2]

What about securing your own financial independence rather than worrying about fixing him and molding him as your "future provider"? Focus on yourself right now in every way.

I was thinking about the future and how we would struggle, etc.

[cellis4]

I am trying to focus on myself. I was just seeking advice, I must not be clear enough. And I don't mean that I want him to make all of the money. I make plenty of money to be financially independent, and I would never be one of those wives. I just mean for himself. Shouldn't you want someone that you care about do well in life and not have to worry about things?