he's trapped

[lonleygal1989]

taking to my bf lastnight about how things are going with us, and i asked him two very hard questions, which the answer hurt to hear, but i can't blame him, the first question was if he felt trapped because we have kids together he said alittle, then i asked if we hadn't had kids if he would have let me go by now, he said it's a possibility, so yes, so i told him i don't want him to feel trapped, which he told me it's better this way for the kids and i told him the kids will pick up on the thing we have going on, so im not sure us staying together is whats really best for the kids if he's unhappy, i guess he takes comfort in thinking i would have kicked him to the curb long ago if we didn't have kids, which is not true at all, i love him so much, but im having so much problems with myself that he has to suffer through, i kinda just wish he would let me go. thoses answers hurt really bad, but if im not doing it for him then im just not. just another failed relationship 😔😔

[Andrina]

If you two don't possess the skills to get to a good place together, wouldn't professional help be a must-have and highly worthy of a try to keep the family intact? If you can't afford counseling, then at least check out some books from the library and read them together. Good ones are The Five Love Languages and Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.

[lonleygal1989]

i have an appointment this morning in a few for postpartum depression so ill ask as many questions as i can think of

[Matt3939]

Write the questions that you can think of down so you don't forget

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. What inspired that conversation, did you feel something was off? Why suggest breakups if it's not what you want?

i told him the kids will pick up on the thing we have going on, so im not sure us staying together is whats really best for the kids if he's unhappy. i love him so much, but im having so much problems with myself that he has to suffer through.

[limichelle]

I'm sorry to read this. I agree with your answer to him that staying for the kids isn't healthy. You need to be with someone who wants to be with you. He says he feels trapped which isn't true. He can leave at any time. Going to counseling can help delve deeper into his issues.

 

Lisa

[lonleygal1989]

Sorry to hear that. What inspired that conversation, did you feel something was off? Why suggest breakups if it's not what you want?

 

iv'e been wanting to talk to him, but he always kinda dismiss me or give me 1-2 word answers and i can tell he didn't want to talk, but my sister told me she was worried and looked disconnected with my kids, which i just feel kinda numb to alot right now, which is why im at the doctors office now seeing what can be done about how im feeling, i just been needing to get alot out to him but he just isn't interested in hearing it, which made me feel like he was disconnected and trapped, those two questions are only a small fraction of the things i need to get out to him, he asked me how i would i feel if i wasn't able to push myself to have sex anymore about staying together and he just go get sex else where, i told him whats the point, and on the way this morning told him id take a job my union was offering so i can get myself together to leave so i won't be in his way, he told me thats not what he wants, so now im gonna be with someone i know isn't happy with me, he say we gonna make it work

[lonleygal1989]

Sorry to hear that. What inspired that conversation, did you feel something was off? Why suggest breakups if it's not what you want?

 

and about the break up why would i try to hold someone who's not happy with me even if i feel different ill just have to take the hurt and move on

[Wiseman2]

So why try to make matters worse? Get treatment for your concerns, but why push for being a single parent, breaking up, moving out, etc and other huge amounts of stress right now? Do you want him to leave or do you just want more conversation? Listen to your doctors and therapists.

 

Asking provocative, rhetorical questions isn't being honest or good communication. It's passive aggressive and drama.

 

Just state your case when things are calm and you can talk and Both of you are in the mood to talk. Learn to communicate much more honestly and better than this without the accusations, innuendos, etc. just to get a rise out of him to make you "feel less numb".

i can tell he didn't want to talk. i just feel kinda numb to alot right now.

[lonleygal1989]

I'm sorry to read this. I agree with your answer to him that staying for the kids isn't healthy. You need to be with someone who wants to be with you. He says he feels trapped which isn't true. He can leave at any time. Going to counseling can help delve deeper into his issues.

 

Lisa

 

im sure he's scared ill be crazy and put him on child support, and be just crazy how alot of women are, like his mom was with his dad, but like i told him before our first was born im not about all that mess, all fighting over childsupport dose is ruin kids and im not having it, they are not gonna go through what he did, and i told him this morning, he has no obligation to me only our kids, i said it and i mean just that.

[lonleygal1989]

So why try to make matters worse? Get treatment for your concerns, but why push for being a single parent, breaking up, moving out, etc and other huge a mounts of stress right now? Listen to your doctors and therapists.

 

Asking provocative, rhetorical questions isn't being honest or good communication. It's passive aggressive and drama.

 

Just state your case when things are calm and you can talk and Both of you are in the mood to talk. Learn to communicate much more honestly and better than this without the accusations, innuendos, etc. just to get a rise out of him to make you "feel less numb".

 

i don't know how much more honest i can be, and no i don't do this to get a rise, i ask him questions because im just tired, im tired of trying to make him happy, i try so hard and it doesn't work so what else should i do, when i say ill leave it's not a threat it's serious i don't want to be in his way and i hate feeling worthless, im honestly confused about what you just said

[Wiseman2]

Don't ask manipulative no-win "questions" with all that spin you put on it. Say what you mean in honest sincere statements not the typical backhanded rhetorical questions looking for reassurances or fights. Learn to communicate!

 

Stop trying to "make him happy" that's his job. Get treated for depression and focus on being a mother. Keep the focus on yourself and your kids. He's a big boy he knows how to make himself happy.

i ask him questions because im just tired, im tired of trying to make him happy.

[lonleygal1989]

well that appointment was worthless, meds are the cure for everything i guess freaking doctors are worthless these days she could have told me this over the phone, i thought we were gonna talk and try to get to the root of it but nope, i just drove a hour to get quickly put on meds and thats my cure thank god im saved, this five min appointment is just what i needed

[Wiseman2]

Actually medication helps correct brain chemistry and in addition to talk therapy it can help you tremendously. Find talk therapy and take the medication. Inform yourself on the difference between talk therapy with a therapist and a doctor prescribing medication for depression.

 

Talking to someone who's brain is in neurological depression is pointless and just expecting happy pills to do all the work is equally pointless. You need both. Especially don't mess around with postpartum depression or depression in general it's dangerous. If you don't like that doctor, find another. You need to do this for your kids so they don't suffer because of you.

meds are the cure for everything i guess freaking doctors are worthless these days she could have told me this over the phone, i thought we were gonna talk and try to get to the root of it but nope.

[ParisPaulette]

Oh man, I hear you on the above about the drug cure-all. And that therapist/psychiatrist was simply a bad one. It sometimes takes time to find a good therapist, one who will listen and help, so don't let one experience put you off to that. Fire this doctor and get a new one. In fact, if I were you I'd look into other types of therapists who maybe specialize in postpartum depression and/or relationship counseling. You want to talk to someone, so find someone who really does talk to a patient instead of collect the insurance and pass out prescriptions like they're candy.

 

In the meantime, go ahead with getting a job, with exploring all of your options. Couples counseling might also help since it sounds like you're both under stress and yes, then even if you do both decide to end things you'll both be in a better headspace about it.

 

Also make sure to ask for help, to tell your partner he needs to take the kids for a night while you go out or even just sit in the bath uninterrupted for an hour or go out to see a movie, get family to watch the kids, take a break. I cannot stress enough how important this is. As a mom, you need it. We are not superhuman. We are not designed to be cleaning and baby machines only. So take care of you too.

 

After those things are in place then look at whether or not the relationship itself can be salvaged. If it can't though, yes he needs to pay child support. That's not you being a crazy or selfish person, that's he is part of a package that chose to have kids, either by accident or by decision. You don't get to give the kids back or say I changed my mind or gosh, I can't afford them. Neither of you, so yes he will have to pay child support and you should get a court decision in place about that to protect both of you with an agreement as to how much IF you decide to split. I did after my divorce and his child support wasn't a huge amount, because I made more money. But still he needed to pay something towards them, not me, but them and I made sure he did that and he made sure he did that. And we came to that decision together via a court order that helped us both. You don't need to be mean, but your kids will need things and it's just good parenting to make sure both parents provide what they can towards that. Last time I checked, a pregnancy doesn't just happen all by itself, so too bad if he doesn't want to pay child support. He should have thought of that before having kids.

 

But right now it's time for you to give yourself a break first. Ask for help, have someone else watch the kids, get some sleep, get some good food. Even a walk outside will help. And the prescription may or may not help, but you wanted to talk to someone. So look for who is out there that will provide that beyond a five-minute visit to write out a drug order. It will all help you and that's what you need right now.

[lonleygal1989]

Actually medication helps correct brain chemistry and in addition to talk therapy it can help you tremendously. Find talk therapy and take the medication. Inform yourself on the difference between talk therapy with a therapist and a doctor prescribing medication for depression.

You need to do this for your kids so they don't suffer because of you.

you are absolutely correct which is why im doing what is needed

[mopo]

Yes, you can't make him happy. Men are only truly happy when they feel they are entirely capable of keeping you happy. It's that simple... harder than it sounds, but just that simple.

[lonleygal1989]

Oh man, I hear you on the above about the drug cure-all. And that therapist/psychiatrist was simply a bad one. It sometimes takes time to find a good therapist, one who will listen and help, so don't let one experience put you off to that. Fire this doctor and get a new one. In fact, if I were you I'd look into other types of therapists who maybe specialize in postpartum depression and/or relationship counseling. You want to talk to someone, so find someone who really does talk to a patient instead of collect the insurance and pass out prescriptions like they're candy.

 

In the meantime, go ahead with getting a job, with exploring all of your options. Couples counseling might also help since it sounds like you're both under stress and yes, then even if you do both decide to end things you'll both be in a better headspace about it.

 

Also make sure to ask for help, to tell your partner he needs to take the kids for a night while you go out or even just sit in the bath uninterrupted for an hour or go out to see a movie, get family to watch the kids, take a break. I cannot stress enough how important this is. As a mom, you need it. We are not superhuman. We are not designed to be cleaning and baby machines only. So take care of you too.

 

After those things are in place then look at whether or not the relationship itself can be salvaged. If it can't though, yes he needs to pay child support. That's not you being a crazy or selfish person, that's he is part of a package that chose to have kids, either by accident or by decision. You don't get to give the kids back or say I changed my mind or gosh, I can't afford them. Neither of you, so yes he will have to pay child support and you should get a court decision in place about that to protect both of you with an agreement as to how much IF you decide to split. I did after my divorce and his child support wasn't a huge amount, because I made more money. But still he needed to pay something towards them, not me, but them and I made sure he did that and he made sure he did that. And we came to that decision together via a court order that helped us both. You don't need to be mean, but your kids will need things and it's just good parenting to make sure both parents provide what they can towards that. Last time I checked, a pregnancy doesn't just happen all by itself, so too bad if he doesn't want to pay child support. He should have thought of that before having kids.

 

But right now it's time for you to give yourself a break first. Ask for help, have someone else watch the kids, get some sleep, get some good food. Even a walk outside will help. And the prescription may or may not help, but you wanted to talk to someone. So look for who is out there that will provide that beyond a five-minute visit to write out a drug order. It will all help you and that's what you need right now.

 

thanks but no thanks on the child support i can handle money on my own if he wouldn't want to be there we don't need him anyway, which isn't the case i don,t need the government to tell us how to be responsible adults not saying anything bad about the ones that chose that route it's just not for me

[Andrina]

Children never get over being abandoned by a parent. I would strongly suggest you have this discussion with him and get a professional party involved so he can get to a place of being a good parent, with or without staying with you. You should be doing everything in your power to make sure he stays in their life and that you create a welcoming environment to do this. A parent should never be badmouthed in front of them. A child loves both parents, even if they are flawed, and they don't need to anymore stress than they are already exposed to. I'm not saying you would do this. Just food for thought and things to think about as you move forward.

 

Many of us were not given an instruction manual on relationships and many of us haven't had good role models from our own parents. Singular and couples counseling are the best ways to pull out all of the stops before throwing in the towel. Some people can learn new skills and make something horrible, wonderful, when both people put in a great effort. You once loved each other, and if you can get past the bitterness, love may be able to regrow. Take care.