My Girlfriend says I'm cheating, by having a emotional affair...?

[charliemack]

On valentine day i was driving home from dinner, i get a phone call and i don't answer because i don't know who it is. I pickup to find out its my barber. I told her i didn't pick up the phone because i have a friend that you don't know about. My friend and i would talk here and there not daily or weekly, there a recovering heroine addict. When we speak i try to help there cope with their issue. That friend know about my relationship. Theirs no flirting or intimacy. i admit to being wrong by keeping something behind her back. I didn't initially tell her because she would be suspicious because she didn't know about her from the jump, however this individual just randomly popped up Does it sound like I'm having a emotional affair? and how do i get her back

[gebaird]

It sounds like your intentions were good, but your partner's opinion is the only one that matters. All you can do is apologize and explain the situation. The rest is up to her.

 

If you end up in a position where you have to choose between your relationship and your friend, are you ready to make that choice?

[charliemack]

i would choose my relationship i told her that but now she has trust issues that can't be fixed. she's just giving up

[ParisPaulette]

Wait, why are you counseling a recovering heroin addict? Are you a therapist, I'm really confused. Sorry, but if you were suddenly being emotional support for some woman who cut your hair then yeah, I can see why your girlfriend is upset, but more context would help me give better advice on the situation.

 

Who is this other woman and why did you get into all that in the first place? More info would help, please.

[charliemack]

ok ill elaborate better. I'm not a trained therapist a counselor anything of that nature. Throughout time people would always come for me for advice or tell me their issue in their life. Just in this regards this person had an addiction. The person that called me isn't the addict is just some that called me who is basically irrelevant. Sorry for the confusion. She told me her friend died from an od and i didn't want to see them be next

[charliemack]

things are getting heavy

[nutbrownhare]

I told her i didn't pick up the phone because i have a friend that you don't know about.

 

Read this back to yourself. Several times. If someone was trying to tell you they are having an affair, do you think it might sound a bit like this?

 

I have friends who share problems with me, and I wouldn't dream of repeating the stuff to my partner because they've told me things in confidence - but my partner knows about them. Why on earth did you make what sounds like an innocent friendship sound like something more than that? (Leaving aside the fact that heroin addicts can be rather dodgy friends).

 

It doesn't sound like you're cheating. It doesn't sound like an emotional affair, either, at least not the way you describe it here. But you have implied both these things to your girlfriend, and now she doesn't trust you. Once secrecy, and sneaking around behind the other person's back, enter a relationship, it causes massive problems because the other person has no way of knowing whether it's something minor and innocent, or a huge deal-breaker. It makes fear and suspicion grow in the place that love and trust should.

 

She doesn't want a relationship like this. I don't blame her.

[Matt3939]

If it was no big deal you should have told her now it looks shady. If you can go bald like me. No need for a barber.

[SooSad33]

IMO.. If you've had this friend for a long while now.. and are there for more 'support', I don't see this as 'emotionally' involved.

We are allowed friends.. I have a few guy friends.. and that's all they are!

 

But- of course, we talk. That happens with friendship.

 

Just make sure you have boundaries. And she respects that you are involved.

 

Be careful too- when it comes to people like this.. with such 'issue's', that you don't get too heavily involved. That you KNOW when to back off.. draw the line.. and when they may NEED prof help... interaction.

 

You can NOT 'fix them'.

[tattoobunnie]

Emotional affairs are also sharing intimate moments with someone else, and those are phonecalls, emails, etc, that take away time from your partnership/marriage. You didn't tell your girlfriend about this woman, which I find odd that you are trying to avoid using that term (gender neutral they's, their - usually to manipulate a response in your favor). I think not telling her was pretty shady. And the fact you couldn't answer in front of her, and don't have that woman's number listed, even more shady.

[qwaspolk82]

On valentine day i was driving home from dinner, i get a phone call and i don't answer because i don't know who it is. I pickup to find out its my barber. I told her i didn't pick up the phone because i have a friend that you don't know about. My friend and i would talk here and there not daily or weekly, there a recovering heroine addict. When we speak i try to help there cope with their issue. That friend know about my relationship. Theirs no flirting or intimacy. i admit to being wrong by keeping something behind her back. I didn't initially tell her because she would be suspicious because she didn't know about her from the jump, however this individual just randomly popped up Does it sound like I'm having a emotional affair? and how do i get her back

 

How is that an emotional affair? You shouldn't lie and if it makes your partner uncomfortable then don't continue the friendship. And how are you in any way certified to counsel a recovering addict?

 

If you had just told her you have a friend there'd be no problem. But you lied.

[charliemack]

tattoobunnie, so you believe helping a freind with their issue is creating intimate moments we just speak about her issues nothing more. I didn't tell her in the beginning because this person wasn't around in beginning of my gf and i relationship going through these issues. I agree it was wrong for not telling her or answering in front of her. The number not listed because other individual use her phone. When all of this transpired i brought to her attention that you flirted with this guy before during our relationship and i forgave her. Her rebuttal its not the same due to the fact she was open about it

[tattoobunnie]

By definition: An emotional affair is when a person not only invests more of their emotional energy outside their marriage or partnership, but also receives emotional support and companionship from the new relationship. In an emotional affair, a person feels closer to the other party and may experience increasing sexual tension or chemistry.

 

Emotional affair does not always = flirting or phone sex or sexting. Emotional affairs are based on investing emotional intimacy into another. What makes what you did as an affair is that you did not tell your partner about this at all.

 

Who care if others use that woman's phone. She is still the one calling you on it. I'm sorry, you are trying to getting out of this 5 ways to Sunday, but it's pretty obvious. What's even worse is that you tried to turn this around her, by bringing up a time she flirted with some guy. So in that same token are you saying, that because she once flirted, you now have ammunition to be a secretive unaccountable person? Your thing has been going on for a while behind her back. And now that you've kept this a secret, that it's okay for her to form secret "friendships" and not tell you. Own up to what you did, or it's going to bite you in the butt later.

[charliemack]

@gwaspolk82

 

i agree i shouldn't of lied. i told her ill end the relationship with his individual! Im not certified but I've experienced my father having alcoholism and his mother. I've been to a aa meeting before not for myself but for someone else. I thought ill share word of advice. Wrong if i told her i had a friend that she new nothing about that suddenly popped up it'd be an issue. How ever she's not new to me because I've known her before i met my gf but me and this friend haven't communicated during the entirety of my relationship with my gf either more just abrouplty. She wouldn't even classify her as a friend because we don't see each other in person and etc.

[Longview01]

ok ill elaborate better. I'm not a trained therapist a counselor anything of that nature. Throughout time people would always come for me for advice or tell me their issue in their life. Just in this regards this person had an addiction. The person that called me isn't the addict is just some that called me who is basically irrelevant. Sorry for the confusion. She told me her friend died from an od and i didn't want to see them be next

 

You know you shouldn't be giving addicts advise if you are not trained to do so, you are prob doing more harm than good

[reinventmyself]

@gwaspolk82

 

wouldn't even classify her as a friend because we don't see each other in person and etc.

 

This person doesn't mean enough to you to even call her friend.

Yet you couldn't be honest with your girlfriend about her existence and her sudden appearance?

Lying was the easier default?

 

You now refer to your girl friend having trust issues. I don't think she has trust issues. She has trouble trusting - you . . there is a difference.

 

This is a long shot but is it remotely possible that you did you not say anything because it lessons your stake at holding a past event over your gf's head? (the time she flirted)

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately lying and hiding a close emotional tie with another woman makes it seem 1000x worse than it already is. You are not a one-man rehab or narcotics anonymous.

 

That's what she really needs, not your knight in shining armor self-aggrandizement.

 

Having contact with an heroin addict behind your gf's back makes it look like you are into her or you yourself have a drug problem.

I told her i didn't pick up the phone because i have a friend that you don't know about. My friend and i would talk here and there not daily or weekly, there a recovering heroine addict. When we speak i try to help there cope with their issue. That friend know about my relationship.

[Unreasonable]

If you have to hide it, then something is either wrong with it, or something is wrong with your relationship. I don't think this woman should be using you as a crutch, there are other resources out there, probably more qualified than you, for that.

[NuttyGirl]

Look man, I think u're making this harder. All these emotional parts women can iterate endlessly, I know . In fact your relationship needs a good shake-up, passion and romance. When I start bother too much about us, my bf just took me on a journey. Let's go to St. Petersburg, completely change our life - said he. Happy romantic kissing-sightseeing during the day, burn bars at night. Finally he led me to a strip club, u know, it's very temptate. Together we had a cool evening in this Zavistbar, watched the foam show, even dare to order an erotic massage for each other...and then it was in the room ... u know So no throwing emotional, carnal pleasures and climate change - all that you need. And of course, u must make it clear that she is your soul-mate.

[dancinggirl67]

You must always be open and honest. ALWAYS.

 

When you are completely transparent, it shows you have nothing to hide. And that you are trustworthy as a partner.

 

Maybe you are not fooling around or laying the groundwork to fool around with this struggling addict, but to be honest, boy-girl "friendships" only lead to disaster. Especially in this day and age of instant communication. It can easily be misused and as soon as you know it, you are in hot water.

 

Tell her to find a therapist. You are not one.

 

She may be trying to find an IN to rope you into something. Know what I mean? Question HER intentions. Always question. Nothing is ever innocent, when it comes to women. Women manipulate and have a purpose. This addict may be using her addiction as an excuse to get closer to you. So, as a good boyfriend who is LOYAL, you are now going to cut all contact with this woman. Can you do that?

 

And show your girlfriend this woman no longer exists in your life.

 

And hope that she is willing to forgive your lie of omission. Because not telling her was also a lie. Do you see that? How would you like it if she was talking to a guy behind your back, helping him deal with his issues? And she never told you about him? You would not like it. Not one bit. You would ask yourself, WHY would she not say anything about him? What is she hiding? As I said, these situations create an IN and they do escalate to something more if both parties are mutually consenting to it.

 

I do not think this should spell the end of your relationship. But I do think if your GF is willing to forgive you, you are going to have to work that much harder to make her feel SAFE and SECURE with you and show her consistently that you ARE trustworthy. Nobody wants to be with someone whom they think will cheat on them. They pull away because they do not want to get their heart broken. You must faith in your partner. But it cannot be blind faith. As her partner, you are responsible for your actions. And these actions affect HER. So always realize whatever you do, affects her. You are not single. You are part of a relationship. So think wisely and do things wisely, always taking her feelings into consideration.

 

If you cannot do this, you must leave her. And let her find a man who is trustworthy.

 

Trust is the most important part of any relationship.

 

Without it, it WILL fail.