won't spend the night

[fabact]

Dating for almost 3 months .. sex for the last month but he won't spend the night. Says it's because he has to get up early and such. but this has also happened on some weekend nights, both at his place and my place.

One time he said I could spend the night if I wanted but he followed it up with, "I don't mind if you do, and I don't mind if you don't, and I have to get up really early tomorrow".. which definietly did not really make me feel like he wanted me to - so I didn't- something I ribbed him on (in a joking way - but still getting my point across) the other day after the 8th or 9th time of being together... In that same conversation I told him I didn't want it to start feeling like its just for sex, even though I know it's not, I've hung out with his friends, we go places, we actually have a lot of fun together.

 

My question is, is it too much to ask for to spend the night ? I know we're taking it slow and I'm not clingy, I'm independent, so is he. But I do begin to wonder after the 8 or 9th time -- am I being reasonable here ?

[ShouldOrNo]

I don't know everything about your situation obviously like what kind of job does he do? Is it high stress and demanding? How long has he lived by himself? Has he ever lived with someone else? A woman? Is he a private person? Is he used to his own space? Or is it a control issue and you sleeping over or him sleeping over makes him uncomfortable but it sounds like he's letting you know Very clearly that he is Not at that stage of intimacy where he is open, embracing, where he wants to touch you, cuddle you, be with you More than any other concern. There's a barrier there he's putting up ... you should find out what it is so you don't get hurt by finding out he's emotionally /physically unavailable and wants to keep it that way. I think if you're spending time together, sleeping together then as two consenting adults you should Want to be together, falling asleep in each other's arms, waking up whenever to make love again or just talk or watch Tv. No time agenda

[Matt3939]

I think your absolutely reasonable. Who cares if he gets up early. Maybe he wets the bed?

[J Miracle]

Maybe he saws logs in his sleep.

 

Just ask why he seems skiddish about sleep overs.

[Silverbirch]

Maybe staying the night is too much intimacy for him. I would move on if you want intimacy. If you are ok without that type of intimacy, and some people would be, then there's not a problem. Not everyone likes the idea of each other's snoring or morning breath.

[IAmFCA]

You are being absolutely reasonable. But that isn't relevant. It is just the two of you, your needs and his. They don't match at the moment. You are at his place, you hang with his friends. it doesn't seem like anything untoward is going on such that he doesn't want you there. It sounds more like an intimacy avoidance, or a self-consciousness, or some other reason specific to your bf. It will simply be a question of whether you can deal with it, and eventually, either he will change, you will change, or you two will drift apart.

 

Remember that each of us approaches intimacy at our own pace. Try to back off a bit so that you don't take it as a personal affront. For a while, let him lead the approach to emotional intimacy.

[mbee]

Yeah I'd just communicate with him and ask him why. With my last ex, I did sleep over but he hadn't been in a relationship before that involved sex, so sometimes he'd come over and plan to leave. It was only until I asked him to stay, and he was genuinely surprised that I asked him to stay, where he would just start sleeping over without me having to ask - it was just a given.

 

Maybe just communicate this and if he refuses to let you sleep over, then it's up to you if you want to tolerate that. For me, sleeping over is mandatory for any relationship I'm in but it may not be to you.

[j.man]

As stated, different people go at different paces.

 

Also, I will say as I've gotten older, I've come to not **** around when it comes to sleep. If you're rocking less than a king size bed, I ain't staying over. And I will stiff arm you off the bed if you try that middle of the night cuddle nonsense.

 

Does he work an exhausting job? Is he particularly busy this season?

[tmtex]

OK so 3 months and only sex on 3rd month. Possible he got what he wanted but doesn't want the after effect. Meaning he wants it when he wants it. Hope that makes sense

[SherrySher]

It might be the case that he just doesn't enjoy sharing a bed whilst sleeping, many don't. Honestly, some married couples don't share a bed..why? because they can't sleep properly with someone else there or they find it too uncomfortable or just plain don't like it.

This could be the issue but it might not be, it very well could be that he's not wanting the intimacy/serious part of this. I know it doesn't make any sense of you've had sex but some people feel that sleeping together (as in sleeping only) is much more intimate than sex and maybe he's not ready to share that quite yet.

Whatever the reason is, the best one who can answer it for you...is him.

[missmarple]

Maybe he doesn't want the intimacy that comes with sharing the bed. Maybe he snores. Maybe whatever. What matters here is, will you be ok if this never changes? I know I wouldn't be ok with 'I'm getting up early'..there are always weekends. Unless the guy gave me an explanation I could live with, I wouldn't continue the relationship. Sleeping with someone on the same bed is vital to me. If it didn't mean the same to my partner, I would rather walk.

[Ms Darcy]

You aren't taking it slow if you are having sex.

 

I don't understand why you seem so powerless about this. I would not be having sex with someone who didn't want to spend the night.

[pippy longstocking]

I don't think my opinion counts for much because I am insane and merely on here right now to distract myself from real life .......

 

But ....I feel like I would be the same because I am sure that these days I have turned into a * once I've cum I'm done , show yourself out* kinda gal .

 

But ..........big but , I don't think this is his game , it could be anything , he may not want to do his morning poo with you in the house ..honestly the things that run through peoples minds . Give it some more time .

[IAmFCA]

As stated, different people go at different paces.

 

Also, I will say as I've gotten older, I've come to not **** around when it comes to sleep. If you're rocking less than a king size bed, I ain't staying over. And I will stiff arm you off the bed if you try that middle of the night cuddle nonsense.

 

Does he work an exhausting job? Is he particularly busy this season?

 

Hahaha truth is spoken. Love this.

[Applewhite]

Hahaha truth is spoken. Love this.

 

To each their own I guess. He cuddles me all night till morning in my/his Queen.

[Betterwithout]

Communication is key.

It's possible he could have a personal problem, as others suggested. (snoring, wets the bed, wakes up several times during the night to urinate, etc)

Maybe he has sleep apnea requiring the use of a CPAP machine. Using a mask on that machine could lead to being self-conscious.

[Sportster2005]

I don't think it's a matter of what is reasonable or unreasonable. Every one will have a different take on that. But you know what you want, and you've asked for it. He's not giving it to you. If he continues to deny you what you want, you a decision to make.

 

The sleepover to me, is an important milestone. By the 8th or 9th time my expectation would be the same. But I'm a different gender and probably age. So I don't how useful a measurement that is.

[Wiseman2]

Is he used to sleeping alone? Does he like his alone time? Are you a night owl/sleep in and he get to bed/wakes up early? Have you asked?

 

Don't push the issue on work days.

Dating for almost 3 months .. sex for the last month but he won't spend the night. Says it's because he has to get up early and such. but this has also happened on some weekend nights, both at his place and my place. "I don't mind if you do, and I don't mind if you don't, and I have to get up really early tomorrow"..

[katrina1980]

Remember that each of us approaches intimacy at our own pace. Try to back off a bit so that you don't take it as a personal affront. For a while, let him lead the approach to emotional intimacy.

 

I agree with this.

 

Sleeping and awakening with someone you're dating can sometimes be more emotionally intimate than having sex.

 

So he may have issues with intimacy OR he may just need more time.

 

If it were me, assuming I was happy with everything else, I would give it more time.

 

In the meantime, don't mention it or talk about it anymore. Just assume he won't be staying over and leave it at that. Don't have attitude about it.

 

If you're staying at his, don't ask him if he'd like you to stay, just get your things and leave when it's time. Again no attitude.

 

I think when the pressure is off, meaning you stop asking him/talking about it, he may be more inclined to want to.

 

If, in a few months, he hasn't mentioned anything about it, then decide if this is something you can live with cause after six months, if he's still not "there" then he may never be (with you).

 

If that's the case, then move on.

 

But again continuing to ask him about it isn't serving any good purpose. He will interpret it as pressure and when a person (man or woman) feels pressured to do something, it typically never turns out well.

[katrina1980]

To add to my above post (too late to edit), maybe act like it's no big deal, you are totally cool it.

 

People can be 'funny', if you act like it's no big deal, HE may start to wonder why you're not bugging him about it, why you're suddenly so cool with it, and THAT will bug HIM!

 

At that point, HE may start asking you about it!

 

Flip the script.

 

Just a thought.

[abitbroken]

Its too soon. You should not have had sex yet - but you did - and he doesn't want to play house. He doesn't want his stuff at your house. he wants to have a nice romantic evening only. Maybe its a good idea to go on actual dates and less sofa dates so you aren't always having sex. He doesn't want to sleep over on a worknight as well.

[SoulTaker]

Sleeping and awakening with someone you're dating can sometimes be more emotionally intimate than having sex.

 

Yep. Like planting the seeds leading into a relationship.