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Did I push him away or is he a Player/Emotionally Unavailable?

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I'm Alex and I'm new to relationships. I'm quite shy and suffer from mild depression. I thought I would give online dating a whirl as I want to get comfortable meeting new people and improve my social life. I've always suspected I'm bi/gay. I'm 28, but look more like 20. I tend to find guys around 18 - 24 particularly attractive. Anyone above 25 doesn't do it for me (even though I know that seems shallow).


After being rejected via text with the first guy I met (we both seemed very different people), this other guy (we'll call him Jun Binks) wanted to exchange numbers with me and we spoke over text. He closed his OnlyLads account, but kept his Match.com profile open. He seemed incredible. Was very sweet, fun, handsome, had similar ideals (e.g: not into clubbing, doesn't smoke), his pictures gave the impression he's passionate, ambitious and likes visiting places. We seemed to have lots in common. We texted everyday and connected so well. He's 22.


At the beginning, he came on strong; he'd do most of the initiating sending me good morning texts, wanting to know so much about me and saying things like 'cutie/sweetie'. We added XX's at the end of our texts and spent nights chatting about sex. Interestingly, couldn't help but feel he was trying to be too much like me and I did get a little suspicious. He seemed so into me and was convinced we should be boyfriends. He did say we couldn't meet until late Sept (was late August) due to him apparently being short on money. But come Sept 5th, he decided to meet up with me in Birmingham after his work shift finished. We both live close to the city and don't drive.


I became anxious and had butterflies in my stomach, but as soon as we saw each other, he gave me a big hug. He looked just like his profile pictures. One thing I did notice was that he was a bit smelly. But I chose not to say anything. He was quiet like me, but already I was getting a feeling for him. We spoke about things we chatted about over text and he showed me pics of his dogs. He made it clear he wanted to hug and kiss me in the loos, which I went ahead with as I've never hugged and kissed a guy before. And it was one of the most amazing experiences I've had. I was self-conscious and, off course, we had to be quiet so no one else would hear us in the loo! He was so charming, sweet, had a cute voice and was easy-going. He always made sure I was okay. The way he kissed, hugged and looked at me close in the eyes was so lovely. I felt like his soul mate and we seemed to fit each other like a glove. I thought he was the one! This lasted an hour, but said he had to leave at 5 to catch a train back home.


We walked back to the train station and became more relaxed around each other talking about sex and the idea of staying at hotels for future meet ups. After a final hug, we departed and sent him a text saying I had so much fun and he said he enjoyed it too. Next day he sent me a text saying he thinks he loves me, which touched me. I mentioned that it was very sweet of him, but did feel I'd have to know him more before I could use the 'L' word.


2 days later he claimed he couldn't see my latest message on Match and wanted to start again with me over text, which I thought was odd. So I deleted my texts and re-introduced myself. He did the same, but noticed he no longer included XX's in his texts and was generally a little less warm and sweet! It did make me worry and wonder if he started chatting other people or he wanted to slow things down. Anyway we still texted everyday, again with sexual chat during the night. Was missing him so much, but over the next 2 weeks I occasionally arranged meet ups with him. He said he couldn't attend due to money problems and would see what happened once he paid bills for holidays etc. So I just backed off. Got the feeling he wanted to pursue me!


3 weeks into texting each other again (late Sept), he suggested we should spend our first date in a tent... sex included! I did suggest it might have been better to have done (cheap) hotel stays like he said in our first meet up, but wanted to wait till we were boyfriends to do that. So I ordered a tent online and found a quiet spot in my area where we could set one up. I found myself becoming increasingly insecure and I sent him 3 texts in a row regarding the tent I had ordered online, including a text where I should have warned him about the tent I ordered incase he didn't like it. I think I realised I smothered him by over-texting, but he said the tent I ordered was fine. I told my mum I'd be camping with a guy and she thought he was probably playing mind games with me. I texted the guy saying I wasn't sure about the camping and he said "trust me, I'm not gonna hurt you, I really care about you". I said that I told my mum about the camping, but I didn't say who I'd be camping with. I decided I would go ahead with the camping (was worried he would disappear if I didn't) and he was glad I wanted to meet him again. It never happened.


The following week he didn't initiate texts at all. No more good morning texts from him. I gave him space and went some days without texting him, but did make me panicky thinking he was losing interest, especially when he read a text and didn't reply till later next day. He even said camping is something we should do as boyfriends instead, and suggested we should spend our first date in the cinema and have sex in the loo. Did find it strange. My work colleague suggested whether the guy wanted to go to the cinema with me over the weekend, and if he couldn't, to ask if he had any free time the following week to go. I wasn't sure if that was a good idea as the guy had a tiring day at work and I didn't know if he had any money problems still. I didn't want to pressurise him by texting him to meet up. I went ahead with my colleague's suggestion and, although the guy said he was unfortunately working that weekend, he didn't respond to my text about meeting up the following week. He went silent for a few days and I cried thinking I scared him away. I sent him a text asking if he was okay and that I'd offer to pay for the date as a treat. Did say it was ok if he wanted to slow things down as him being happy was important. He responded saying he was busy with work, but no response to my text afterwards.


After a week of silence, he finally texted back apologising he was so busy! I noticed he had been fairly active on Match, but I took his word for it. After some text exchanges, he asked whether I wanted to have some sneaky fun with him at his workplace loos. It was 5 weeks since we last met and was so excited to see him again, I couldn't say no. I went to work an hour earlier next day so I could finish earlier to meet him at 3:30 in his workplace loos. He said he really missed me and came across more friendlier than he recently had done over text complimenting me on my seemingly outgoing personality and saying "I love you". I asked him questions such as what would you say are your weaknesses as a person and he said he had none at all! We hugged, kissed and even had sex in the cubicle. I was tired, so the sex was a little awkward. He claimed he was a virgin like me. But one annoyance was he preferred to have sex without condoms (despite originally promising our first sexual encounter would be with condoms). I was so attracted to him, so I did as he wanted. Didn't want to upset him! (silly I know). I noticed he was persistent in saying we'd do something again when he next had something free on his schedule. Once I got him to cum, he said he had to go, but still said we'd do something again. Before he left the cubicle I said to him "sorry I couldn't cum in you" and had a horrible feeling I made him feel guilty. I then sneakily video recorded him briefly, as he washed his hands in the sink. We were both quiet and awkward as we left the toilets, but did ask the guy if he wanted me to walk to the train station with him. He said it was fine if I wanted to go, so we said bye and departed!


I sent him a text saying I had a great time with him, which he read without responding. I panicked, so I said "Ps: I think I love you too". No response again.


I spent the next few days crying worrying I upset him. So after six days of silence, I texted him saying: "Hi, hope you're okay, forgot to say thanks for what you did on Monday. Hope to rock ya bum with cum and satisfy you more next time (including having a cinema date) if you're still interested. Also like to say sorry if I upset you at the end of Monday's meet up (whether it was to do with the sex, having it too soon, after-sex awkwardness) and what I could do to shake things up for next time. I do like you and don't wanna hurt you feelings. If you feel things may not work out between us, you can be totally honest with me. But whenever you're ready to chat, I'm here for you".


That was the last text I sent (16th Oct). He read it and, again, no response. I accept he's ghosted me and I doubt he'll be back. Don't know if he's a player/EUM, hung up on an ex/seeing someone else (never said he had anyone else) or I put him off by being clingy, needy, too much of a pushover and/or putting too much pressure on him. I even regret sending that long, needy text message as that might have scared him off for good. Then there's the issue I probably did/said something to upset him after the sex we had. Wish I never said "sorry I couldn't cum in you" and showed him more appreciation by hugging/kissing him and saying "I had a lot of fun with you. You're very sweet" before we left the toilets. He may have felt under appreciated or thought we were not sexually compatible. And if he did feel guilty I couldn't cum in him, I could have said I was tired and that it had nothing to do with him. There may even be a slight chance he noticed I sneakily filmed him (something I totally regret) and now feels he can't trust me!


Even though it's been 4 months ago and we only chatted for 7 weeks, I'm convinced he's the only guy I've ever been emotionally attached to and I'm doubtful I'll find anyone as sweet and charming as him. He even looks like me.


I've been doing research on relationships in the last few months trying to understand men more (e.g: being relaxed and having fun around a man, giving them space, not trying too hard to impress them, standing up for your wants and needs, making the person feel appreciated, understanding they have their own life outside the relationship etc). So do at least feel more prepared for the next opportunity.


It's worth saying I discovered at one point the guy apparently went missing for a week during September 2014. Fortunately he was found safe and sound, but there were news reports about it saying he had some possible issues with depression. And like me, he apparently has a very small group of friends. So I do wonder whether his hot/cold/player-like behaviour may stem from any emotional/loneliness issues he has, or again, whether it's something I've done? I did ironically bump into him on Valentines Day as I occasionally go past his workplace. He kinda looked at me and I looked at him. I was nervous, but said "Hi" and he acknowledged me back, so at least I know he isn't totally ignoring me. I admit he did seem fairly cold and not sure if he truly recognised me! I could have asked to have had a quick word with him as I could have got the closure I wanted. He doesn't actually seem dangerous and I doubt he's a full on sociopath. What's interesting is that his OnlyLads profile is still deactivated. He hasn't blocked me from Match, nor has he blocked my number.


It's already wrecked my somewhat low self-esteem - just want to know for sure what went wrong. Is their any way I could get him back, or is it too late? Is it even possible he may just be testing my interest levels and just wants me to ask him out? (it's just the fact he said we'd do something again puzzles me, but he could be lying or wants me as a fling). If he is a player, then I guess perusing him would be a bad idea since they love the thrill of the chase. Did also think if I were to text him again, was thinking of reminding him of the good memories we had saying what I liked about what he did.


Anyway, sorry for the long post. Just personally hate it when someone ghosts on you as it leaves you feeling very confused.

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I think you're focusing too much on the things you did "wrong." When a relationship is right, it isn't nearly this hard. Sure, he may have emotional or social issues, but the most likely explanation is that he's a player -- and based on his actions, I think it's a pretty safe assumption to make. He may have a thing for young and inexperienced virgins.

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Hi gebaird,


Yeah that's a good point about a relationship being effortless. I think if there was/is any chance of it working, I would not have to feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around this guy.


It's a shame him, and other player types, can't just be upfront from the beginning, really - would save a lot of heartache. If I do ever come across him again, might see if I could carefully get him to open up for me and reassure him I won't get mad with him no matter what the outcome is.


Might be worth adding that he said he has a very high sex drive and said that he did want to be together with me. But I wouldn't be surprised if he's currently using Match and/or other dating apps to hook up with others (or at least those who are virgins). I think what was strange was that he did kinda lovebomb me at the start clamining to be so into me. And the fact he kept changing his mind about what we would do for future meet ups should have been some obvious 'red flags'. Plus the fact most of the things we did were in private, should have perhaps been another warning sign (unless he's a gay guy who's uncomfortable doing things with another gay guy in public). It's odd because when I look back at his pictures, he just doesn't seem like the type of person who would play on someone.


I guess I might try sending him one last text just to be sure he's purposely ignoring me, otherwise I'll just have to drop him for good and keep looking around. Why does online dating have seem so hard? (lol)

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