I am in so much pain right now.

[Broken2017]

Hello everyone,

 

I am a 30 year old male and I met my now 'ex' girlfriend about 4 years ago when I was 26 and she was 16. She is now 20! It was a big age gap 10 years and I knew that this would probably be an issue later on down the line if I ever got into a relationship with her but I went ahead anyway because she pursued me for a while and I basically gave in and decided to give it a go.

 

At the start she was infatuated with me and I took her for granted and didn't show her the respect or kindness she deserved probably because she was so young and showed me so much affection and I wasn't really that into her because of her age. But over the course of our relationship I started to fall for her and I fell hard. I should also mention at this point that I have had a substance addiction for about 10 years which has caused so many problems for me/us and made me do and say some really horrible things to her. I have been in trouble with the police but never been to prison. I have quite a bad temper and I'm very stubborn as a person. I haven't been able to hold down a steady income because of my problems with drugs and I've always been a bit of a criminal minded person. I hope you don't judge me too much on this but I'm just trying to be honest about me as a person.

 

So first off I never really connected with her family and friends that well and always made excuses when she wanted me to spend time with them. I just wanted to be with her and not any of the people in her life. I guess because I never really had a proper connection with my own family and she was quite big on the whole thing which I found a bit alien. I never realised how much I needed their acceptance and how much it meant to her to have them like me. They were always there to pick up the pieces when she would come home upset after us fighting and it made them not like me very much. The same happened with her friends! She still stuck by me though and split her time between everyone. Then it's like she started to not want to spent as much time with me anymore.

 

We argued a lot and things weren't healthy but I still loved her none the less and I believed she still loved me. Eventually after a very rocky time last year she left me and I was in a really bad way and we said some very nasty things to each other whilst breaking up. I got over it eventually (I think) and starting seeing someone else about 4 months later. This is when she reappeared and wanted me back so I went back to her and finished the new relationship. But things still weren't right and we carried on arguing and fell back into the same old habits after a couple months. Along with my alcohol and substance abuse it just made things worse and worse like before. Then trust issues started to happen and my paranoia grew until the point I was accusing her all the time of lying to me and a couple times I did actually catch her out telling me white lies about where she was and who she was with which she said she lied about because of my potential reaction to knowing. This paranoid was probably made worse down to my drug use as well. She wanted to start going out drinking with her friends and I wanted to stay in and just chill because when I go out it's never just a few drinks it's always a full on bender. This is when I realised the age thing coming into it!

 

Well she got pregnant last August and I got scared and pulled away and we ended up losing the baby which really, really hurt me and her and it sent me off into a spiral of drinking and using drugs which caused further problems in our relationship. She misscarried and I wasn't there for her. I also went away with her family on holiday just before we found out and I acted like an idiot and didn't get involved with them at all. It was almost like my final chance with them which I totally messed up.

 

I know the relationship had become toxic but I still felt so deeply about her that I carried on with it and I wouldn't even consider leaving her. By this time though we were on and off all the time. On New Year's Eve just gone I really messed up and whilst high and drunk AGAIN instead of keeping my mouth shut I went on a verbal rampage and followed her to the pub where her family was when she stormed out and I embarrassed her in front of them and she left me again that night because of my actions. They basically said to her after it happened that if you carry on seeing him then you will lose us. That obviously put her in a very hard place but she kept in contact with me until I started doing stupid things again to try get her back but now she has just blocked me on everything. She also told me she started seeing someone else but I'm not sure if it's just to hurt me after I tried making her jealous which backfired tremendously or just to try and get rid of me because I still contact her every time I drink and use drugs which is when I make stupid mistakes and regret it the next day after realising what I've done. She now hates me and it feels like I'm in an impossible situation with no way of getting her back and I know that even if she came back, the relationship is so damaged it probably would all happen again and we would never be able to get past everything that's happened. It doesn't stop me from loving her though and wanting her with me. Selfish I know but that's just how I feel.

 

I always push people away when I know I have them and then when they leave I want them back so much I can't think of anything else. I don't know why I am like this but I hate it about myself and I have never worked out why I am like it?

 

So now I am left with that gut wrenching feeling in my stomach and I don't know how to deal with it. I live on my own and I don't have a great support network so I feel very isolated and lonely. I was meant to be sorting myself out but all this has pushed me to start using again. I just wish I could take back all the mistakes I've made and I can't help beating myself up 24/7 about how I've acted. I have to live with the guilt of screwing up such a young persons first experience in love by being a train wreck of emotions and dragging her down with me and hurting her over and over again. I know that she is better off without me and I'm probably better off without her but I can't help wanting her back and I'm feeling so depressed about the whole situation. I just don't know what to do or where to turn? I know I have to stop using drugs and alcohol or this will keep happening over and over again but I can't seem to get past my feelings of guilt and regret over this relationship. I know I've been such a sh**ty boyfriend! 😓

 

Anyway thanks for taking the time to read this. I just don't know where to start in trying to explain a situation which is so messed up but hopefully you can get an idea from what I've put. Any replies or advice would be a great help as I feel so sad at the moment and I'm not taking this very well. I don't feel like I'm ever going to find anyone like her again and that she is the love of my life. I've had previous relationships which have ended but I've never been through such a tough time except with this girl. It's been nearly 2 months and I don't seem to be healing, just getting worse. The worst thing is I know this time she won't be coming back and it really is over forever.

[shessofly]

Why haven't you sought help for your drug and alcohol addiction? Those support groups may help provide some emotional support for you, as I'm sure you will meet people with similar stories. It's really impossible to have a healthy relationship with anyone without first addressing those issues.

[Broken2017]

Thanks for replying and yes I have just filled in a form today which is for drug and alcohol abuse but the waiting list is up to 12 weeks to get seen. I think I'll have to search for more local groups to get the support I need quicker. I know what you're saying though about not being able to have a healthy relationship whilst I'm like this and I totally agree with it. I'm just so gutted that didn't do it sooner and I let things get this bad. Now I've lost the girl I love because I was too blind to see the damage it was causing.

[elliesays99]

I understand how hard it may be, she gave you what you never got from everyone else in your life. But it's important to understand which i'm sure you do already that without healing yourself first you will not only a. not move on and b. won't allow yourself to find happiness again. I know it sounds crazy and you will probably look this over but you need to get in touch with yourself.. question every feeling and every thought you have. To heal you have to understand yourself. Check into a support group and keep yourself busy. Meditating and finding myself were the only things that helped me heal during my toughest times. I hope you do follow my advice, please message me if you need anymore insight. Best of luck

[Broken2017]

Thank you for your advice ellie, I think that's why I don't take very well to being left by someone because I rely on them so much for my emotional support. (More than I ever let on or show). I know I have to focus on me at the moment and try to heal myself before I can start to make a full recovery from this or meet someone else but the road ahead seems so hard and it's scaring me beyond all measures that I have to walk it alone. I will start to do it though regardless of how worried and heartbroken I feel because otherwise I'm not ever going to move forward in my life and I'll be stuck in this vicious circle forever.

[Hollyj]

Happy to hear that you have stopped using. Have you checked into AA?

 

Leave her alone! It was a toxic and unhealthy relationship. You need to deal with your issues, and this will take some time to overcome.

 

You do not belong together. Be selfless and never contact her again!

[MissCanuck]

You can't have a healthy relationship with anyone else until you have a healthy relationship with yourself.

 

So, please do look into local support groups while you wait for formal treatment for your addictions. You very much need it.

 

Your relationship with her is more than likely over forever. But this is not a bad thing. You two were not good for each other, and there was far too much damage done. I can't see her family ever accepting you now either, to be honest. She was way too young to have gotten involved with a man in his 20s, and add to that substance abuse problems...it was entirely too much for a teenager to take on. She is growing up now, and she is going to move on. You can now focus on doing the same.

 

I think instead you will have to use the end of this relationship as the turning point in your own life to make some positive changes and start fresh.

[Broken2017]

Thank you and yes I'm seeking help for my addictions. I know that we don't belong together but it's just so hard to let go of someone you cared about so much and what makes it worse is knowing that if I'd have taken the right steps in getting help before all this happened I'd still have her in my life.

[Broken2017]

You can't have a healthy relationship with anyone else until you have a healthy relationship with yourself.

 

So, please do look into local support groups while you wait for formal treatment for your addictions. You very much need it.

 

Your relationship with her is more than likely over forever. But this is not a bad thing. You two were not good for each other, and there was far too much damage done. I can't see her family ever accepting you now either, to be honest. She was way too young to have gotten involved with a man in his 20s, and add to that substance abuse problems...it was entirely too much for a teenager to take on. She is growing up now, and she is going to move on. You can now focus on doing the same.

 

I think instead you will have to use the end of this relationship as the turning point in your own life to make some positive changes and start fresh.

 

Thank you and yes you are confirming what I already thought about her being too young for all this. It was too much for her to handle and I feel selfish for wanting her back because I still haven't gotten myself sorted yet. I'm no good to anyone the way I am at the moment and I'm aware of that. I just feel like I have the breakup to deal with plus another major issue in my life with the drugs and it's all so much to take in at once that I'm just in a mess.

[SooSad33]

I got over it eventually (I think) and starting seeing someone else about 4 months later. This is when she reappeared and wanted me back so I went back to her and finished the new relationship. But things still weren't right and we carried on arguing and fell back into the same old habits after a couple months. Along with my alcohol and substance abuse it just made things worse and worse like before. Then trust issues started to happen and my paranoia grew until the point I was accusing her all the time of lying to me

- NOTHING ever improved between you two.... There's been NO time for either to work on improving yourselves.

I'm sure you broke up for a reason or 3. So, you just went back to the same 'ol.

 

So often when we try to go back- it's never the same again and feelings aren't as strong.

 

I HIGHLY suggest YOU start working on yourself. Your drug habit and anger issue's.

 

Let this experience be of some learning to you...the toxic - red flags- and do NOT try to make someone jealous!

You are 30, not 13. Time to man-up and work on getting yourself back to good! Seriously.. or you're going to end up messing things up again... and again.

 

You got yourself stuck in this spot.. and you can work on improving it all.

 

Consider AA or NA and get some therapy re: your issue's.

 

In order to work on YOU, work on accepting and healing.. go No Contact. Stay away and work on YOU now.

 

Do NOT go getting involved again... I doubt you have anything to 'give' at this point in your Life.

 

Time for a new chapter in life... learn from this and get better.

[beast1125]

Hello everyone,

 

I am a 30 year old male and I met my now 'ex' girlfriend about 4 years ago when I was 26 and she was 16. She is now 20! It was a big age gap 10 years and I knew that this would probably be an issue later on down the line if I ever got into a relationship with her but I went ahead anyway because she pursued me for a while and I basically gave in and decided to give it a go.

 

At the start she was infatuated with me and I took her for granted and didn't show her the respect or kindness she deserved probably because she was so young and showed me so much affection and I wasn't really that into her because of her age. But over the course of our relationship I started to fall for her and I fell hard. I should also mention at this point that I have had a substance addiction for about 10 years which has caused so many problems for me/us and made me do and say some really horrible things to her. I have been in trouble with the police but never been to prison. I have quite a bad temper and I'm very stubborn as a person. I haven't been able to hold down a steady income because of my problems with drugs and I've always been a bit of a criminal minded person. I hope you don't judge me too much on this but I'm just trying to be honest about me as a person.

 

So first off I never really connected with her family and friends that well and always made excuses when she wanted me to spend time with them. I just wanted to be with her and not any of the people in her life. I guess because I never really had a proper connection with my own family and she was quite big on the whole thing which I found a bit alien. I never realised how much I needed their acceptance and how much it meant to her to have them like me. They were always there to pick up the pieces when she would come home upset after us fighting and it made them not like me very much. The same happened with her friends! She still stuck by me though and split her time between everyone. Then it's like she started to not want to spent as much time with me anymore.

 

We argued a lot and things weren't healthy but I still loved her none the less and I believed she still loved me. Eventually after a very rocky time last year she left me and I was in a really bad way and we said some very nasty things to each other whilst breaking up. I got over it eventually (I think) and starting seeing someone else about 4 months later. This is when she reappeared and wanted me back so I went back to her and finished the new relationship. But things still weren't right and we carried on arguing and fell back into the same old habits after a couple months. Along with my alcohol and substance abuse it just made things worse and worse like before. Then trust issues started to happen and my paranoia grew until the point I was accusing her all the time of lying to me and a couple times I did actually catch her out telling me white lies about where she was and who she was with which she said she lied about because of my potential reaction to knowing. This paranoid was probably made worse down to my drug use as well. She wanted to start going out drinking with her friends and I wanted to stay in and just chill because when I go out it's never just a few drinks it's always a full on bender. This is when I realised the age thing coming into it!

 

Well she got pregnant last August and I got scared and pulled away and we ended up losing the baby which really, really hurt me and her and it sent me off into a spiral of drinking and using drugs which caused further problems in our relationship. She misscarried and I wasn't there for her. I also went away with her family on holiday just before we found out and I acted like an idiot and didn't get involved with them at all. It was almost like my final chance with them which I totally messed up.

 

I know the relationship had become toxic but I still felt so deeply about her that I carried on with it and I wouldn't even consider leaving her. By this time though we were on and off all the time. On New Year's Eve just gone I really messed up and whilst high and drunk AGAIN instead of keeping my mouth shut I went on a verbal rampage and followed her to the pub where her family was when she stormed out and I embarrassed her in front of them and she left me again that night because of my actions. They basically said to her after it happened that if you carry on seeing him then you will lose us. That obviously put her in a very hard place but she kept in contact with me until I started doing stupid things again to try get her back but now she has just blocked me on everything. She also told me she started seeing someone else but I'm not sure if it's just to hurt me after I tried making her jealous which backfired tremendously or just to try and get rid of me because I still contact her every time I drink and use drugs which is when I make stupid mistakes and regret it the next day after realising what I've done. She now hates me and it feels like I'm in an impossible situation with no way of getting her back and I know that even if she came back, the relationship is so damaged it probably would all happen again and we would never be able to get past everything that's happened. It doesn't stop me from loving her though and wanting her with me. Selfish I know but that's just how I feel.

 

I always push people away when I know I have them and then when they leave I want them back so much I can't think of anything else. I don't know why I am like this but I hate it about myself and I have never worked out why I am like it?

 

So now I am left with that gut wrenching feeling in my stomach and I don't know how to deal with it. I live on my own and I don't have a great support network so I feel very isolated and lonely. I was meant to be sorting myself out but all this has pushed me to start using again. I just wish I could take back all the mistakes I've made and I can't help beating myself up 24/7 about how I've acted. I have to live with the guilt of screwing up such a young persons first experience in love by being a train wreck of emotions and dragging her down with me and hurting her over and over again. I know that she is better off without me and I'm probably better off without her but I can't help wanting her back and I'm feeling so depressed about the whole situation. I just don't know what to do or where to turn? I know I have to stop using drugs and alcohol or this will keep happening over and over again but I can't seem to get past my feelings of guilt and regret over this relationship. I know I've been such a sh**ty boyfriend! 😓

 

Anyway thanks for taking the time to read this. I just don't know where to start in trying to explain a situation which is so messed up but hopefully you can get an idea from what I've put. Any replies or advice would be a great help as I feel so sad at the moment and I'm not taking this very well. I don't feel like I'm ever going to find anyone like her again and that she is the love of my life. I've had previous relationships which have ended but I've never been through such a tough time except with this girl. It's been nearly 2 months and I don't seem to be healing, just getting worse. The worst thing is I know this time she won't be coming back and it really is over forever.

 

I am 32 yo and have a similar story to you. Not exactly, but similar. My first suggestion to you is to get completely sober. You need to take this time to improve yourself and your own life. You have plenty of time to turn things around and meet another amazing woman and have a great life. And what a story you'd have to share. I personally never had a problem with drinking, but I certainly abused marijauna in both public and private settings and spent a couple nights in jail on different occasions. I was also very introverted and didn't spread out emotional support in my life. I just tried to push through issues on my own. I came to my end in November of 2016 when it all became very clear to me that I was only hurting myself by doing all this stuff. I began to starve my addictions and tried to start healing my heart and my mind. Everyone is very broken and deals with different levels of dysfunction very differently. You definitely need a support structure in your life to help you with things you struggle with. Consider joining a church and seeking out Godly roommates to grow close to. True happiness in life is found in our relationships with others, often others that are hurting, and not in substance abuse or some distorted and selfish sexual immorality.

[Broken2017]

Okay and thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it! It's going to be hard but I'm still here and I still have the ability to get everything sorted and that's what is keeping me going. I wish I could get rid of the pain in my stomach though, it feels like I've been kicked by a horse or something and whatever I do it won't go away.

[beast1125]

Thank you and yes I'm seeking help for my addictions. I know that we don't belong together but it's just so hard to let go of someone you cared about so much and what makes it worse is knowing that if I'd have taken the right steps in getting help before all this happened I'd still have her in my life.

 

You've got to forget that mindset. Pain was introduced into your life because you were doing something completely wrong. You were being selfish. You are being blessed now with an opportunity to deal with it now rather than later on in life when kids are involved and family members are dying. Consider this a wake-up call and embrace this time to realign yourself with your true purpose in life. If none of this happened, you wouldn't be on this forum seeking advice and you wouldn't be looking to improve YOURSELF. That is the true victory here.

 

There is real pain and real hurt going on in the world, but so many people, myself included, are wrapped up in their own self-pity. At the end of the day, what your going through now may seem difficult to you, but it's not even top 1000 of painful events going on in the world at this very second. Our world is a broken place and people are so absorbed with themselves and what they want that they can't turn their eyes and see real pain. Put on the oxygen mask first for yourself, but use this pain to help others.

[Broken2017]

I am 32 yo and have a similar story to you. Not exactly, but similar. My first suggestion to you is to get completely sober. You need to take this time to improve yourself and your own life. You have plenty of time to turn things around and meet another amazing woman and have a great life. And what a story you'd have to share. I personally never had a problem with drinking, but I certainly abused marijauna in both public and private settings and spent a couple nights in jail on different occasions. I was also very introverted and didn't spread out emotional support in my life. I just tried to push through issues on my own. I came to my end in November of 2016 when it all became very clear to me that I was only hurting myself by doing all this stuff. I began to starve my addictions and tried to start healing my heart and my mind. Everyone is very broken and deals with different levels of dysfunction very differently. You definitely need a support structure in your life to help you with things you struggle with. Consider joining a church and seeking out Godly roommates to grow close to. True happiness in life is found in our relationships with others, often others that are hurting, and not in substance abuse or some distorted and selfish sexual immorality.

 

Thanks for sharing with me about your experience. You are right about me needing some sort of support structure because I find it really hard to deal with things like this on my own and I can't get out of my head most of the time.

[Broken2017]

You've got to forget that mindset. Pain was introduced into your life because you were doing something completely wrong. You were being selfish. You are being blessed now with an opportunity to deal with it now rather than later on in life when kids are involved and family members are dying. Consider this a wake-up call and embrace this time to realign yourself with your true purpose in life. If none of this happened, you wouldn't be on this forum seeking advice and you wouldn't be looking to improve YOURSELF. That is the true victory here.

 

There is real pain and real hurt going on in the world, but so many people, myself included, are wrapped up in their own self-pity. At the end of the day, what your going through now may seem difficult to you, but it's not even top 1000 of painful events going on in the world at this very second. Our world is a broken place and people are so absorbed with themselves and what they want that they can't turn their eyes and see real pain. Put on the oxygen mask first for yourself, but use this pain to help others.

 

That puts a new angle on things for sure. I'd never look at this as a blessing but you're right about the pain being present because I was doing wrong. A wake up call for sure and I am more determined than ever to get my life back on track and be the person I was before I started messing myself up. That seems like such a long time ago now and I've been lost for a very long time.

[beast1125]

That puts a new angle on things for sure. I'd never look at this as a blessing but you're right about the pain being present because I was doing wrong. A wake up call for sure and I am more determined than ever to get my life back on track and be the person I was before I started messing myself up. That seems like such a long time ago now and I've been lost for a very long time.

 

We're all lost and broken my brother. You can try with all your willpower to do what you think is right, but their is a sense of brokenness that resides in each one of us. It's only through an understanding of grace that one is truly set free.

[ShatteredMan]

^Exactly. Make yourself a little better today than you were yesterday. Small steps lead to big things down the road.

[Broken2017]

^Exactly. Make yourself a little better today than you were yesterday. Small steps lead to big things down the road.

 

I will try to do exactly this. Thank you!

[Broken2017]

That makes a lot of sense right about now. Thank you

[ShatteredMan]

Through self-reflection, analysis of what you're going through (either on your own or through therapy) and learning about YOU, better days will be coming your way.

 

Do not give up. We all can be someone that will bring meaning, hope and happiness to someone's life after we get a handle on our own. Do not doubt this.