Is it time to walk away?

[LMS1983]

I'm going to try and make a long story short here. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We're both 34. We had a bit of a whirlwind romance. We now have a 16 month old daughter together. He has a 14 year old son from a previous relationship. When we met, he was a single father and I was just single and loving it. He was looking for someone to be a mother to his son, someone to build a family with. And whereas that wasn't exactly what I was looking for at the time, it worked. I changed my hard partying ways. I became what he needed me to be. And I don't regret it. I feel that I'm a better person because of it. I learned to be a mother to his son. He calls me mom now. I learned to cook. I supported him in every way possible. Mentally, emotionally, financially, everything. I've worked very hard to be a better person for him, his son, and our daughter. I work full time overnight, take care of our daughter full time during the day, take classes to work on my education, as well as do 100% of the cooking and about 75% of the cleaning, laundry, etc. I pay half of the bills and help him with any additional money he needs. I'm not a particularly high maintenance person. I don't have high expectations regarding romance and gifts and the like. But I do have SOME expectations. In the beginning, my boyfriend was charming, affectionate, giving. He would surprise me with little things, thoughtful things. And honestly, that is the stuff that matters to me. Simple things. Doesn't have to be expensive. Doesn't have to cost anything at all. But things that take a little time, effort or thought. After I got pregnant with our daughter, that all stopped. And it never started back up.

 

I'm a communicator. I don't yell or call names or throw things or have fits. That's not my nature. I prefer to just have a conversation, hash it out, find a solution, and get over it. He'll sit and listen and then generally give me the silent treatment for a few days until I just give up. OR he'll tell me he'll try harder, do better, etc. And then doesn't. After I initially brought up my needs, he told me he didn't know what I wanted/needed. So I was very clear about it. That I don't expect much, that I don't expect diamonds and roses, but I do expect SOME kind of effort. And I DO expect some kind of effort on 5 specific days of the year. Now personally I don't really think that's asking for too much. Birthday, Anniversary, Christmas, Mothers Day and Valentines Day. 5 days out of 365 that I would like to feel just a little special. He could make me something and I would be happy. Hell, my favorite thing from him is a hand painted box he gave me in the beginning of our relationship. And I've tried to make that clear to him. It doesn't have to cost anything for me to be happy. I would just like to feel loved. Special.

 

Valentines Day was yesterday. I got a Happy Valentines Day text message. And that was it. I kept thinking maybe he had made me something and it was a surprise. But no. My birthday was last month. Same thing. No 99 cent card. No candy bar from the gas station. Just nothing. I've tried again and again to communicate with him and it honestly seems like he just ignores me. It feels like he is so secure in the belief that I won't leave, that he doesn't have to bother. We had one conversation where he actually talked and he told me: "I don't hit you. I don't yell at you. Maybe that's how I show you I love you." It blew my mind. Here was this man that was COMPLETELY different in the beginning, telling me that basically by NOT abusing me, he was showing he loved me.

 

I'm getting away from myself here. Everyone around me keeps telling me to leave. That he doesn't appreciate me, takes advantage of me, uses me. And it's true. I've taken out a loan to pay off his bills, I've emptied my savings to fix his car, I've shelled out thousands for a lawyer for his legal issues. I DO feel taken advantage of. Used. Unloved. Unappreciated. My friends and family tell me he'll never change. That this is simply who he is. But I don't like to believe that. If I could change, if I'm STILL changing to be a better person, why can't he? Or is it simply that my happiness just isn't a good enough motivator? Is it time to cut my losses and walk away? Maybe some input from anonymous strangers will help. Thank you.

[Kalika]

Yes, it sounds like it is time to walk away.

 

You are doing everything and he is incapable of even showing you what that means to him. He was looking for someone to clean up his messes, help him raise his child, and give him money for bills and lawyers.

 

Does he even really love you???? I can honestly say, most men who really love and respect their partners would never, ever treat them this way.

 

You also need to adjust your expectations. Meaning, INCREASE them. It is OK to want him to buy you flowers on Valentine's Day, or to spoil you rotten. You're the mother of his children!! You have done so much for him! You're letting yourself be taken advantage of, and you don't ask for anything, so you're the perfect person for someone like him to come along and use up. He will suck you dry financially and emotionally. STOP letting him do this NOW!!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this is happening. It sounds like you are doing too much and giving too much and being taken for granted. You need to stop all the enabling and bailing him out etc. Listen to your friends and family. That remark would blow anyone's mind.

 

Do you have somewhere to go? It sounds like he's dragging you down. Why not take a vacation and visit friends/family with your child and reflect a bit.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We're both 34. We now have a 16 month old daughter together.Valentines Day was yesterday. I got a Happy Valentines Day text message. And that was it. I've tried again and again to communicate with him and it honestly seems like he just ignores me. he told me: "I don't hit you. I don't yell at you. Maybe that's how I show you I love you." It blew my mind. Everyone around me keeps telling me to leave. That he doesn't appreciate me, takes advantage of me, uses me. And it's true.

[reinventmyself]

reread what you wrote, you'll find your answer there.

[LMS1983]

It's true, my expectations are very low. I've been in a long line of bad relationships. Several of my previous relationships have been physically and emotionally abusive. I think in some twisted way I almost feel like he's right. That he doesn't hit me, doesn't yell at me, so maybe I should just be grateful. But I look at it and think, My God, would I want my daughter to think that way? Of course not. I want her to find someone to cherish her and treat her like she's special. And yet I'm willing to accept much less than that for myself.

 

I don't have family in the state. I don't have anywhere to go right away. So it will be a delayed process of leaving. But hearing some outside opinions has just affirmed what I already knew in my heart. Thank you everyone. I appreciate the honesty.