Was I Wrong to Walk From Friendship?

[jillybelle]

I've been having difficulty with walking away from a 15 year friendship and whether it's truly the right thing to do. I've known Ann since high school and despite not living in the same town following high school graduation, we maintained near daily contact with one another.

 

I'll try to make this brief as possible. Nearly seven years ago, Ann married her husband after his family pressured them into marriage when she discovered she was pregnant. They have never had a happy marriage together; he is very insecure, which prevents her from having much of a life outside the home. He never assists with child care, and early in his child's life, he would spend more time with his family and not come home to Ann and his child. He also made a lot of terrible financial and selfish decisions that created a lot of hardships for them. Ann's birthday, holidays, anniversaries all go unacknowledged, unless it means he can buy a new motorcycle or something he would enjoy. He's never been supportive of her finishing college or working outside the home.

 

Despite their troubles, they had another child together. After this second child was born, things worsen. Work lay offs and extreme financial troubles led to more fighting and more unhappiness. It began taking a toll on how she raises her children. She would frequently talk to me about her marriage troubles, and I would always advise her to leave her husband, finish college and go out on her own for the sake of her children. She has her parents who live next door to her and her husband, and they have been a constant source of "tough love" but supportive of helping her with their grandchildren. Since the second child's birth, her parents have stepped in to practically raise the first child. This has also caused a lot of issues for Ann.

 

In the last year, things became especially bad in their marriage when she finally vocalized she wanted a change from her husband in how he refused to spend time with his children and was causing a lot of financial trouble; but this made him fight with her more. He name called and accused her of cheating on him. He prevented her from having involvement with her brother's wedding and eventually he kept her from having much involvement in my wedding. He refused to allow her to get ready with the wedding parties for both events without him present and she was unable to give her matron of honor speech at my wedding reception because of him. He refused to spend time with his children and made threats against her should she ever leave him. The final straw happened when he locked her and the children from their home after a fight, and that is when I decided to reach out to her parents to get further assistance. Together with her parents, we talked with Ann about this could not go on any longer.

 

Ann initially agreed, but at the last minute to begin filing the divorce paperwork, she backed out. She told us after having a conversation with her husband that things were going to get better. Her parents and I were extremely disappointed in this. Her parents further spoke with her and encouraged her to take another look at her life to see if this life does make her happy. They also spoke to her about how upset they were about how her marriage troubles affect her children and how she needed to step up and take control of raising them. In her mind, she thinks her parents are too hard on her but continually accepts any and all assistance involving her children. They recommended that she attend therapy, but she refused.

 

At Christmas, Ann broke the news to me that she is now expecting a third child, and this news floored me and left me angry. I told her I couldn't understand how and why she would do such a thing considering all the events that took place in the previous six months with her husband - locking her out of the house, threatening to harm her and the children should she go through with a divorce, refusing to allow her to have a role in family weddings, etc. etc. - that I could neither forget or forgive him for his actions, and I was having difficulty understanding her choice to become pregnant again. She was upset that I was not happy for her third child, and told me that everything was great now in her marriage. I told her I couldn't believe that his "good" behavior would last and we haven't spoken since.

 

Her mother has asked me several times to reconsider speaking to her daughter, and that we all need to "let it go" that Ann has made a terrible mistake by staying with her husband and chose to become pregnant. Her mother has encouraged her to reach out to me but that's not like Ann. If the friendship were to continue then I would need to be the first to break the silence. I am still so very angry when I think about all the horrible things she's told me has happened in her marriage and yet she still went back to her husband and decided to bring another child in the world.

 

But I also struggle because I do care about her and do miss her. Her mother tells me she can tell Ann is bothered by our lack of communication but I should "be the bigger person" and "let it go." I know we can't change that she is bringing another life into the world and she's staying with her husband but I also cannot be happy about this.

 

Was it wrong of me to walk away?

 

Thank you.

[Coily]

You have done a lot of work trying to help your friend, but it is very clear that she is content with staying in an unhealthy relationship. So that makes me think you did the only thing you could for your piece of mind by ending your communications.

 

It's hard to be an ear to a friend who doesn't want to fix themselves, it's draining to struggle with helping them see how much of a mess they are making. This maybe the only way to get her to look at this situation with some clarity. Myself personally I would eventually reach out, but only after more time has passed and I would keep the discussion short. However the last thing I'd do is invite her to use you as a crutch that keeps her from facing the bad situation.

 

Better minds will be of more help than I.

[Wiseman2]

You were right to back out. She's in an abusive relationship and although she needs friends, what she really needs is education about domestic violence and to get expert counselling on that. Friends become sounds boards yes, but that's a temporary fix.

 

And no the mother shouldn't be hounding you to be her friend. Women in these situations will in the same breath tell you about lying,cheating, beating, cops, etc. then say how much they love them, they made up, all is good, etc. Yes it feels like a friends efforts are wasted when you hear this inexplicable but sadly all too common dialogue. To understand this maddening and tragic situation read up on Stockholm syndrome: Stockholm syndrome

[rosephase]

Wow. What a tough place you are in. I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this. If I was in your shoes I would struggle with this a lot.

 

I guess my question is: How much does this impact you? Are you worn out and drained watching her make the choices she does? Do you have energy you can give her freely and without resentment?

 

Personally? I don't think I could watch. If she won't get help, it would hurt to much to watch her keep choosing to hurt herself. And while I wish I could be stronger... I'm not. And I'm no good to anyone if I'm emotionally worn out and miserable.

 

I would be clear with her: If/When you leave I'll be there for you. You can stay at my place. I'll help you with the kids, anything within my power to do I will attempt... but as long as you are with him, I'm deeply sorry but for my own emotional sanity, I can't watch.

 

It's so painful to walk away from a friend in need. And to be honest? I'm not sure if I could actually do it. But this is the advice I would give myself.

[nutbrownhare]

So, so sad. However, I think you've done the right thing for your own sanity and, in a strange sort of way, for hers too.

 

With you there to support her, offer her a listening ear etc, you were actually helping to make her situation bearable; enabling it. Without you there, she actually stands a chance of realising how very bad it really is, and it's only when she hits her personal rock bottom that she's likely to address the situation. The people who are making it easy for her to continue the status quo - looking after her first child, say - are comparable to those who protect a drinking alcoholic from the consequences of their actions.

 

She has declined all opportunities to do something constructive about the situation, and now she needs to live with the consequence of that decision.

 

You've done all you can. It's heart-rending, watching somebody destroy themselves, especially when there are children involved. But she is an adult, and author of her own destiny.

[charity]

I can only say that I think were I in your shoes, I would not have done that.

I'm not saying you were wrong to do it, it's your friend, your feelings. But personally, I would have stayed friends with her because presumably you guys get on well, are close, there's a connection.

What I would have tried to do is focus on my friendship and less on her relationship. This wouldn't always be possible as she would confide in you about him but I would attempt it at least.

[jillybelle]

Thank you everyone for responding. I greatly appreciate it. Your words this morning are bringing me comfort, and I appreciate your insights.

[jillybelle]

I can only say that I think were I in your shoes, I would not have done that.

I'm not saying you were wrong to do it, it's your friend, your feelings. But personally, I would have stayed friends with her because presumably you guys get on well, are close, there's a connection.

What I would have tried to do is focus on my friendship and less on her relationship. This wouldn't always be possible as she would confide in you about him but I would attempt it at least.

 

Unfortunately, the relationship did impact our friendship. In the last nine or so months, she became especially hostile toward me if I were having a particularly good day or moment. "That must be nice, I wish I could have that!" and "You're lucky to have such great friends and a husband who cares!" were frequently commented and it made me feel awful considering her circumstances at home.

 

When I was planning my wedding and got married last summer, her relationship with her husband certainly affected it. I asked her to be my matron-of-honor and she accepted without objection. When her husband learned of this, he initially did not want her to be in the wedding. He came around to the idea but then did not allow her to come to my bridal shower, she did not show for the rehearsal dinner ("He...just didn't feel like going and he didn't want me to go alone.") and on the day of the wedding, she could not get ready with me or the other bridesmaids because her husband wanted to be in the bathroom with us, so they got ready elsewhere. He approached my mother that morning and asked if Ann could not walk up with the best man during the recessional because it would bother him to see her with another man (he did not get his wish, my mother threatened to have him removed by police for interfering). She had asked me if she could stand up and do a toast at the reception, but after the best man finished his toast, she and her husband physically walked out of the reception hall. She told me later he didn't want "the other men in the room" to be looking at her while speaking. Because of him, I look back through our wedding pictures and see she is missing in most of them because of him.

 

Despite the wedding events, he also made sure that if she and I did meet for an occasional lunch or dinner, he would "randomly" drive by the restaurant. There would be phone calls and text messages about her whereabouts if she was out longer than an hour. He had also begun checking into her Facebook messages to read what she and I had been sending each other and he would question her about text messages from me.

 

She's in a terrible, mentally abusive relationship that I wish she would leave, and unfortunately that relationship interfered greatly with our friendship. This is why I felt I had to walk away...but i also feel horrible knowing that I was her only friend (she really does not talk to anyone or have relationships with anyone except for his family and her parents) and I know I provided an outlet for her.

[jillybelle]

Wow. What a tough place you are in. I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this. If I was in your shoes I would struggle with this a lot.

 

I guess my question is: How much does this impact you? Are you worn out and drained watching her make the choices she does? Do you have energy you can give her freely and without resentment?

 

Personally? I don't think I could watch. If she won't get help, it would hurt to much to watch her keep choosing to hurt herself. And while I wish I could be stronger... I'm not. And I'm no good to anyone if I'm emotionally worn out and miserable.

 

I would be clear with her: If/When you leave I'll be there for you. You can stay at my place. I'll help you with the kids, anything within my power to do I will attempt... but as long as you are with him, I'm deeply sorry but for my own emotional sanity, I can't watch.

 

It's so painful to walk away from a friend in need. And to be honest? I'm not sure if I could actually do it. But this is the advice I would give myself.

 

Thank you so, so very much. It certainly impacted me greatly on some days when she would tell me how especially cruel he had been to her or to the children, and I would come home and talk to my husband about how I just wish I could pull her away from that.

 

But you're right about it being so painful to walk away. I know she needs support, especially now she is pregnant again.

[Mari]

Unfortunately, the relationship did impact our friendship. In the last nine or so months, she became especially hostile toward me if I were having a particularly good day or moment. "That must be nice, I wish I could have that!" and "You're lucky to have such great friends and a husband who cares!" were frequently commented and it made me feel awful considering her circumstances at home.

...

 

She's in a terrible, mentally abusive relationship that I wish she would leave, and unfortunately that relationship interfered greatly with our friendship. This is why I felt I had to walk away...but i also feel horrible knowing that I was her only friend (she really does not talk to anyone or have relationships with anyone except for his family and her parents) and I know I provided an outlet for her.

 

 

Please continue to tell her such things and don't feel bad about them. You're the only window in her world that shows her that a good relationship is also possible with someone her age. Also, if you can, please disregard the fact that she continues to stay in an abusive relationship and is unable to follow advice. Just keep giving the advice without expecting that she will ever accept it. Abusive relationships work by the abuser isolating the person and changing the reality the abused perceives. If he is really abusive then I would expect him to remove most of her friends and isolate her. Once that's there he can convince her that she's just ungrateful and he does a lot for her. Once she accepts that that is what she's worth then she'll stay no matter how bad things get. Her losing you would help achieve that and that's probably what her mother sees and so requests you to stay. Emotionally though, you need to let yourself know that this is a person that is going to have a very difficult time leaving and not let it get to you. Good luck!

[Mari]

One question I forgot, is her husband from a different culture? Perhaps one where men and women are kept separated?

[jillybelle]

One question I forgot, is her husband from a different culture? Perhaps one where men and women are kept separated?

 

No, he is not from a different culture. Truthfully, they married because his family was concerned that if that they didn't marry that if they broke up that the family wouldn't have access to the child. His family is quite...familiar with the family court system. His sisters all have children by different fathers and tend to thrive over custody and child support battles. She did not want to marry him just because she was pregnant. Her family and I begged and pleaded but she went along with it.

 

I think because of their marriage circumstances, her husband wasn't mature (and still isn't) to handle his newfound responsibilities of being a husband and father. This man wasn't even present at the hospital after she came out of the delivery room after the birth of their first child. He "got bored" and left to look at a motorcycle for himself instead. I could share hundreds of stories about this guy.

 

I also appreciate your advice! Thank you for your kindness!

[Mari]

No, he is not from a different culture. Truthfully, they married because his family was concerned that if that they didn't marry that if they broke up that the family wouldn't have access to the child. His family is quite...familiar with the family court system. His sisters all have children by different fathers and tend to thrive over custody and child support battles. She did not want to marry him just because she was pregnant. Her family and I begged and pleaded but she went along with it.

 

I think because of their marriage circumstances, her husband wasn't mature (and still isn't) to handle his newfound responsibilities of being a husband and father. This man wasn't even present at the hospital after she came out of the delivery room after the birth of their first child. He "got bored" and left to look at a motorcycle for himself instead. I could share hundreds of stories about this guy.

 

I also appreciate your advice! Thank you for your kindness!

 

Thanks for the response. It does sound like his responsibilities were just shoved on him too early and he's facing this struggle of responsibilities vs having fun. The result is that he recognizes he's bad at this but either can't or won't put in the effort to change it. So instead of solving the issue on his end, he's become defensive and trying to shut down anything that he thinks would cause his relationship to break up. His concern that she's cheating on him is a real threat. If anyone showed interest in her and she felt she could do better then that could derail the whole relationship. So he's working on preventing that from happening which just makes him abusive.

 

If he has agreed to improve perhaps your friend set a deadline and maybe he will improve this time. I hope things work out for her too.

[Jibralta]

But I also struggle because I do care about her and do miss her. Her mother tells me she can tell Ann is bothered by our lack of communication but I should "be the bigger person" and "let it go." I know we can't change that she is bringing another life into the world and she's staying with her husband but I also cannot be happy about this.

 

Was it wrong of me to walk away?

 

Thank you.

 

I think her mother misses the point. It's not about who's the "bigger person." It has nothing to do with that. Ann is falling apart before your eyes. You are trying to retain your peace of mind, while she is becoming more and more isolated by abuse. The situation is tragic, really.

 

I don't think you were wrong to walk away.

 

I do understand your guilt--even I feel concern for Ann, and she's a complete stranger! Her husband wanted to be in the bathroom while you were all getting ready?! That's crazy.

[jillybelle]

Thanks for the response. It does sound like his responsibilities were just shoved on him too early and he's facing this struggle of responsibilities vs having fun. The result is that he recognizes he's bad at this but either can't or won't put in the effort to change it. So instead of solving the issue on his end, he's become defensive and trying to shut down anything that he thinks would cause his relationship to break up. His concern that she's cheating on him is a real threat. If anyone showed interest in her and she felt she could do better then that could derail the whole relationship. So he's working on preventing that from happening which just makes him abusive.

 

If he has agreed to improve perhaps your friend set a deadline and maybe he will improve this time. I hope things work out for her too.

 

That's where I really struggle. Before Christmas, her parents sat down with them intervention style and informed them that if things didn't change in how they raise their children then they would begin seeking action to obtain custody of the children. This happened after she told us she had talked to him about the divorce and said things were going to get better. About 5 weeks passed between her informing us she was not seeking a divorce to the talk about getting custody of their children. Her parents noticed that both Ann and her husband were sleeping until mid-afternoon and leaving the children to fend for themselves. The oldest child was waking himself up and getting ready for school alone and complained about "Mommy and Daddy sleeping all day." They noticed the youngest child had apparently fallen and damaged a tooth that went untreated and their home was extremely cluttered and dirty. It was after that talk that it seems like the husband took that talk to heart and began cleaning the home and staying home with the children. Ann's mother has told me that Ann, on the other hand, is not caring for the children. Her parents have taken both children to numerous doctor's appointments, they have purchased clothes and other necessities and have to take the oldest to extracurricular activities. Ann couldn't bother to take the children to see Santa until her parents finally did. So while her husband may appear to be on best behavior, there are still a lot of issues of concern. I'm not a therapist, but I think a lot of Ann's hands-off parenting is rooted in depression because of her marriage.

 

In my last conversation with Ann, she pointed out to me how he'd learned to wash dishes and finally took to getting the boys up in the morning and getting the oldest ready from school as a sign that he was a changed man. I'm not sure how much of it is a 'changed man' when he was told by her parents to either to be a parent or else they would seek custody. I also wonder how long that will keep up.

[jillybelle]

I think her mother misses the point. It's not about who's the "bigger person." It has nothing to do with that. Ann is falling apart before your eyes. You are trying to retain your peace of mind, while she is becoming more and more isolated by abuse. The situation is tragic, really.

 

I don't think you were wrong to walk away.

 

I do understand your guilt--even I feel concern for Ann, and she's a complete stranger! Her husband wanted to be in the bathroom while you were all getting ready?! That's crazy.

 

On my wedding day, he came to the bathroom door and asked if he could sit with Ann while we got ready. I said no, that there other women in here changing and getting ready, and asked why couldn't he wait outside or walk around the venue while Ann finished getting ready. He told me "but what if a man comes in here?" and I had to order him out. Ann then took her dress, makeup and curling iron and went to another part of the venue to get ready. My photographer actually snapped a shot of them on the steps -- she's holding a compact mirror putting on makeup and he's sitting beside her on his phone. That's where she got ready for my wedding. He also watched the wedding party take pictures because he "didn't know any of the groomsmen and couldn't trust them." Aside from Ann, all of the bridesmaids and groomsmen were married to one another. He asked my mother if Ann could walk alone because he didn't like the idea of her even walking beside the best man after the ceremony and remarked to her that he couldn't stand the thought of another man being beside Ann.

 

It was truly, truly crazy and sad. Wedding guests who didn't know Ann or her husband still to this day ask me, "how is that one bridesmaid of yours who literally looked like she was chained to her husband?"

 

A couple of weeks after my wedding, I talked with her about how those events affected the wedding and she just apologized. "Yeah, I know, he's crazy jealous. It's a little romantic. He didn't even like me wearing a bridesmaid dress that showed some of my legs because he can't stand the idea of another man looking at me." No, it's not romantic. It's psychotic, abusive behavior.