He doesn't make me feel special...

[deoxyriboss]

I've been dating this guy for about a year and a half now. This is my first serious relationship. We've had our fair share of problems, but overall I felt as though we have a good, supportive relationship. The problem is, most of the time we have problems, I'm usually the one who brings it up. He never talks about his feelings unless I prompt him to, and this is something I've tried to address and talk about, but nothing seems to change. He's not a very emotional or affectionate person, and I've gotten used to that. Recently though, I've felt exceedingly unimportant to him. It's not like he is mean or anything to me, but i just feel like he has our relationship on the backburner. Yesterday was Valentine's day, and he didn't get me anything. I didn't want to be upset about it, but watching all of my friends and their SOs doing nice things killed me. No nice text, no piece of candy, not even something tiny. I said something about it that night and he absolutely lost it. He went on and on about how i should break up with him because he sucked, he was a bad boyfriend, he was tired of never doing anything right for me. He said that he had no time to get anything because both of us are so busy. This reaction completely threw me off, and I tried really hard to assure him that it wasn't a big deal, and that he could do sweet things for me any time. I felt guilty for making him feel guilty? Today, I guess I was hoping that he would try to make it up to me, but nothing again, he seems back to the way it was before. I'm at such a loss. I love him, I don't want to be without him, but I'm not being satisfied, and I hate constantly asking him to pay attention to me. Am I in the wrong, or is he? I

[j.man]

Did you get him anything for Valentine's Day? Did you two discuss getting each other anything?

 

Look, if your needs aren't being fulfilled in a relationship, that's a pretty tell-tale sign that person isn't right for you. However, I really, really hesitate to assign wrongs with something as extremely subjective as "He doesn't make me feel special." If you want a guy who's a bit more gushy, who's more into romance, then don't nag a man who doesn't offer those things. Drop him and find one who does.

[reinventmyself]

It's one thing that he didn't make the time to buy a 99c card. Honestly, it's not about the gift, it's about the effort and he could have easily picked one up at the gas station. . If he wanted to.

 

But the fact that he went off the rails when you brought it up is wrong. I'm sure that wasn't easy for you to do and even possibly embarrassing to bring up.

 

What you've got is standing right in front of you. If you are waiting for it to evolve into something better, you are wasting your time.

 

It's good that you spoke up and share with him what's important to you but if it's met with hostility and guilt mongering, I am afraid this

one isn't going to get any better.

 

If this doesn't meet your basic needs . . then I would look else where for someone who is crazy about you and isn't afraid to show it.

Life's too short and there are plenty of men out there looking to treat a lady right.

[Capricorn3]

He never talks about his feelings unless I prompt him to, and this is something I've tried to address and talk about, but nothing seems to change. He's not a very emotional or affectionate person, and I've gotten used to that.

Clearly, you are NOT used to it. This is who he is and he will NOT change. It's in his make-up and he won't magically change to being a romantic, emotional, affectionate guy. That aint gonna happen.

 

OP, you either have to learn to accept that this is who he is, or leave. I would even say you two are incompatible and if you want more affection, attention etc etc, you'll not be getting it from this guy. Maybe time to re-think the relationship. Accept him, or leave.

[nutbrownhare]

Neither of you is in the wrong; it's just that you're not on the same page when it comes to what you expect to give to and get from a relationship.

 

You can't change another person; either you accept that this is the way he is, and that the good aspects of the relationship outweigh the "bad" ones - or let this one go, and find someone who feels the same way that you do.

 

It sounds from his overreaction when you raised the Valentine's Day issue, that he feels nagged and pressured. There are many guys around who wouldn't have a problem with mutual gift-giving, but he isn't one of them. It wasn't just about that particular day; it seems that this brought to a head something which has been a problem in your relationship since the start.

[j.man]

It sounds from his overreaction when you raised the Valentine's Day issue, that he feels nagged and pressured.

Agree with this. His language suggests this is more than a one-time occurrence and he's frustrated he's being lamented for simply being who he is.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like you nag a lot but frame it as "talking about feelings". He's right if you are never satisfied, then break up. Stop trying to fix and change him to become what you want.

 

Why is this dissatisfaction 'recent'?

I've felt exceedingly unimportant to him. Yesterday was Valentine's day, and he didn't get me anything. I said something about it that night and he absolutely lost it. He went on and on about how i should break up with him because he sucked, he was a bad boyfriend, he was tired of never doing anything right for me. I felt guilty for making him feel guilty?

[Capricorn3]

Agree with this. His language suggests this is more than a one-time occurrence and he's frustrated he's being lamented for simply being who he is.

 

Agreed. That was my impression too. OP, it is very telling that almost all the posters here picked up on the same thing, no?

[Betterwithout]

Some dudes just don't get all romantic, but he should just play along and get you a simple card, or Happy Valentines Day, a box of chocolates. How about something simple like a hug and a kiss and Happy Valentines Day. Everyone has time for that! Its faster than putting on a pair of shoes.

Instead he got all butt-hurt about you communicating with him on having your needs met.

 

Bottom line: Being appreciated is a 'must have' for any relationship. When that is gone, so is the relationship.

[Kalika]

It sounds like he feels like he can't ever make you happy. But seriously, isn't that a cop out? "I didn't have time" is so stupid. It's not like Valentine's Day comes out of nowhere. He could have at least run into a Walmart somewhere and gotten you a card or some flowers.

 

Honestly, it sounds like he's lazy AF about showing you that he cares about you, and he now expects you to accept that about him.

 

The question is, are you going to???

[abitbroken]

What jumped out at me was the fact that you were mentally comparing what your friends got for Valentine's day and brought this up TO HIM. That is what the overreacting was about. THAT is not fair to wait until late at night and say "Sally got a $200 box of Godiva for Valentine's Day and Becky got roses and a ring..." its awfully passive aggressive instead of just saying a week ago "Hey, what's your favorite dessert? I think that it would be fun if we made it for Valentine's day". And I bet you got him NOTHING too.

 

We don't celebrate Valentine's Day. We celebrate eachother's birthdays in a small and appropriate way. Every day is actually valentine's day because we love eachother. We DO get candies for the little niece who is in grade school but other than that we don't do anything.

[abitbroken]

You say he doesn't share "feelings". What about just asking him his OPINION on something? Sometimes when people say this, they are disappointed that their SO doesn't get "emotional" or "vulnerable" too often. That is completely different than having feelings. He shows his feelings all the time, most likely. He just showed his emotions with you when you unreasonably compared him to other people's boyfriends.

 

I felt guilty for making him feel guilty? Today, I guess I was hoping that he would try to make it up to me, but nothing again, he seems back to the way it was before.

 

Why? He would just be showing you that if you stomp your feet, you get candy. "back to the way it was before It only happened last night. How can anything back to any particular way?? If you want a guy who surprises you with little gifts all the time, it isn't him. I suggest you get ahold of the book "The five love languages" or take the quiz online.

[itsallgrand]

If you aren't satisfied and don't feel special to him in a basic way, breaking up does seem like a good choice.

The other way to go would be to try approaching him and the relationship differently, and see if you feel differently. You could try letting go of trying to steer things and instead just let them unfold and observe. Instead of nagging or bringing up feeling talks a lot, you could try meeting him on the level that makes him feel valued. He doesn't sound like he is feeling appreciated either. Do you know why that is? What would satisfy him and why he is not satisfied right now?

Maybe if you give him that, you still won't be happy with him or feel special to him. Or maybe you will. Maybe you don't want to give what he needs - and if so, there's your answer right there.

[ParisPaulette]

Ugh, this is why I hate Valentine's Day, so much ado about a madeup holiday to get our bucks and exclude people who don't meet society's expectations of relationship status. Right up there with Columbus Day - he id NOT discover America. No one did, we already had people here. (Okay, rant ended.)

 

Anyways OP, the fact is what did you get him for Valentine's Day and his excuse of "I'm too busy" was really, really weak. Since we can hardly miss the red merchandise shoved up our noses just driving down the street.

 

Take this as in indication that something is wrong in the relationship, although what that might be is hard to say. Nagging someone about why they don't do something nice for you never works, quite the opposite. It takes a really strong person not to go passive aggressive, which is what he sounds like he did. So you're unhappy he doesn't show you affection or attention, and he's unhappy you nag him about it.

 

And this will not work. It's time to step back and really look at the relationship as a whole, not just V Day. Not your friends relationships, but yours. Is it really working for you? Once the honeymoon period ended did he just stop trying at all? Did you? Are you constantly on him about why doesn't he this or that, how someone else's relationship is better? I don't know, because I'm not there, but if you got him nothing for V Day maybe he was hurt. Do you get him gifts, show him little acts of love? If you do what is his response?

 

Look, there is a whole lot of things none of us know here, only you. But you need to assess everything about the relationship, not based around one holiday but rather what is the give and take of the relationship itself. If you do everything and go above and beyond, and don't get so much as a thank you that's one thing. If he does a ton of stuff for you, but you never do anything for him, that's another. And somewhere in the middle is where most relationships fall, but what do each of you do to show the other one they are important and loved? Not in material ways, but small thoughtful ways. The hot cup of coffee waiting for you at the table. The "Let's take a drive together, just because and enjoy that sunset," the little gift card or thing you saw that you couldn't resist getting them. The thank yous and I love yous and yes pleases along the way.

 

That is what you base whether or not the relationship is worth keeping. A good exercise is to look over the past two months, and write down a list of the things each of you have done to show the other one love and basic "I'm happy you're in my life" understanding.

 

Also important, how does he treat others - all others, from the homeless guy on the street to his mom or dad or sibling. That will tell you more about a person's character than any amount of gifts they buy you. Did he do anything for Valentine's Day for anyone? Anyone at all? Does he have anyone besides you in his life that he loves?

 

Look at all of that, write your list, be honest about it, and see if that doesn't help you decide if this is something to keep going with or something to walk away from.

[CrystalBNY]

Why stay in a relationship where you're treated like everyone else or worse? What's the point?