He won't call me his girlfriend yet

[pianogurl]

Sorry this is so long. I just want to give a good picture of the situation. I met this guy online a few months ago. We have been seeing each other for about 3 and a half months and had the exclusive talk early on. We go on a lot of dates and have a good time together. He told me in the first few dates that he is looking for a relationship but after a few weeks he said he didn't want to put a label on it too fast. He has not had a girlfriend in almost 10 years so this is new for him so he wants to take it slow and not rush in to anything. He had said he wanted to let Dec and Jan roll through (Christmas, new years, his bday on new years eve, and his cuba trip mid jan). In that time, I've met almost all of his friends, his work colleagues and his family. Everyone knows we are dating and he is not embarrassed of me. We didn't talk about it again until he came back from Cuba about 3 weeks ago. He said going to Cuba with his two guy friends made him realize how much he liked guy time and time to himself. He said that he still doesn't want to call me his gf, even though I pretty much am. He said this is all still new to him and he is used to being single and being able to do whatever he wants and he just needs more time to get used to the idea of having a gf. He also said he isn't sure about his future with me yet. So far, we have been seeing eachother about twice a week and usually sleep over. The week he came back from the trip, when we were talking about this, we saw each other 3 or 4 times and he said he likes keeping it to twice a week and he thinks if he saw me every day he would get bored and he is afraid he would lose interest. He also said he doesn't like talking about it, and we are young and we should just be having fun together. I have a hard time getting him to open up and talk about deep things. I am 25 and he is 26. I really like him and he is very caring. Should I be patient and give him more time, and how much time, or is this going nowhere?

[rosephase]

If it's been 10 years since he had a girlfriend and he's 26? That means he's NEVER had an adult relationship. Which is fine. It seems like he is being up front with what he can offer you. The question becomes, is what he's offering enough? Are you okay not having the title of girlfriend and seeing him twice a week? How long are you okay with that? If this is still where he is at in a year?

 

Personally? I would be worried to invest energy into a monogamous relationship where my partner thinks they'll get bored of me if we see each other twice a week. I can understand wanting to take things slow. I can understand adjusting to having another person in your life when you've always been single. I can't understand someone clearly saying: I think three evenings a week will make me lose interest. To me? That sounds like he simply isn't that interested in the first place.

[Dana12345]

If he is genuinely in to you he wouldn't be like that

[nutbrownhare]

It depends what you're looking for; if you're happy with this situation, then carry on as you are. If you were trying to get him to make major life commitments after only 3.5 months, that would be wayyyyy too soon, but... just referring to you as his girlfriend??? C'mon!

 

It sounds as though he's used to being able to do what he wants, and enjoys you being around for the time being, on his terms only - at arms' length. The fact that he's been single for ten years speaks volumes; this is not someone who places much value on intimate relationships or wants someone else to share his life.

 

It's good for couples to have lives and interests outside the relationship itself, because it keeps things healthy and stimulating; but this guy does not prioritise you in any way at all. Stop trying to get him to talk about deep things, and keep him as someone who's pleasant company a couple of times a week, but don't push for any more than that.

 

If you've still got your online dating profile, get out and about and start seeing other people.

[nutbrownhare]

If he is genuinely in to you he wouldn't be like that

 

He doesn't sound like some who would genuinely be into anyone, does he?

[Capricorn3]

He told me in the first few dates that he is looking for a relationship but after a few weeks he said he didn't want to put a label on it too fast. he wants to take it slow and not rush in to anything.

He said going to Cuba with his two guy friends made him realize how much he liked guy time and time to himself. He said that he still doesn't want to call me his gf, He said this is all still new to him and he is used to being single and being able to do whatever he wants and he just needs more time to get used to the idea of having a gf. He also said he isn't sure about his future with me yet.

One thing I can say is kudos to him for making it so clear as to what his thoughts are about the relationship with you.

 

To me, it looks like you're a FWB - someone convenient to go to when he wants company and sex. And that's it. He has pretty much told you straight up that he enjoys being single and do what whatever he wants to etc.

 

If you are looking for more, you need to find a new man. This one is not it. Move on.

[j.man]

He sounds pretty much just like me. I do make a distinction between dating exclusively and slapping a label on it. I'll introduce a woman as my girlfriend when it's natural and I don't even think when I say it. Only a few months in, I'm not even really thinking about a future with someone. And twice a week is plenty for several months in, much less three.

 

Really, I think if there is any pushback coming from his direction, it's in response to this being an issue this early in. I've been with my girlfriend for more than three years. We weren't having conversations about labels or hanging out more than twice a week just three months in. I wouldn't assume it's indicative of anything other than the fact he's interested in healthy and light-hearted progression.

 

But if you're the type to need affirmation through labels and constant face-to-face time, I'd move on and find a guy who's on the same page.

[pianogurl]

He sounds pretty much just like me. I do make a distinction between dating exclusively and slapping a label on it. I'll introduce a woman as my girlfriend when it's natural and I don't even think when I say it. Only a few months in, I'm not even really thinking about a future with someone. And twice a week is plenty for several months in, much less three.

 

Really, I think if there is any pushback coming from his direction, it's in response to this being an issue this early in. I've been with my girlfriend for more than three years. We weren't having conversations about labels or hanging out more than twice a week just three months in. I wouldn't assume it's indicative of anything other than the fact he's interested in healthy and light-hearted progression.

 

But if you're the type to need affirmation through labels and constant face-to-face time, I'd move on and find a guy who's on the same page.

Thank you. I am just wondering if this is normal or if it means he's not as interested and it may not be going anywhere. I am used to having affirmation early on and knowing where I stand, but I can be patient if he is worth it.

[Capricorn3]

I am used to having affirmation early on and knowing where I stand,

um ....... he pretty much told you straight up where you stand. Not sure how you missed that?

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like all he's ready, willing and able to offer is casual exclusive dating, but not a relationship. He was very clear about it in the beginning and subsequent times he's mentioned it.

 

At 3 mos in it's too soon to talk about "future" etc. At this point in just dating, you should be observing and paying close attention to things. For example telling you he would rather see less of you or he may get bored.

 

Try not to go so fast and too much too soon with seeing each other so much and pressuring for more, he's clearly not interested and in fact is backing away. you are not on the same page. You want a bf, he wants casual sex and freedom. Pay attention.

I am 25 and he is 26.We have been seeing each other for about 3 and a half months and had the exclusive talk early on.he said he didn't want to put a label on it too fast. He said going to Cuba with his two guy friends made him realize how much he liked guy time and time to himself. He also said he isn't sure about his future with me yet. he likes keeping it to twice a week and he thinks if he saw me every day he would get bored and he is afraid he would lose interest.

[reinventmyself]

I am a woman and putting titles on things is hard for me. I'd like to think my intentions speak for themselves.

It doesn't always work that way for others. I get it.

 

But if I tell you were are dating exclusively, we are monogamous and I am introducing you to my friends and my inner circle then that's as good as it gets for 3mos in.

It takes me longer than that to mutter the `B' word.

 

If I was dating your guy. . I would consider everything about right on track. But that's me.

I get the title is important to you but because it's as not important to him does not lesson the credibility of your relationship.

 

He'll say it when he's ready. . I wouldn't let it trip you up.

[soconfused08]

Hi Pianogurl,

 

This is such a hard situation. This man has said he is not sure he sees any kind of future with you. That is why he is unwilling to label your relationship. It would make it more permanent. If a commited long-term relationship is what you want, I would not wait around much longer for this man. I know it is hard.

[j.man]

Thank you. I am just wondering if this is normal or if it means he's not as interested and it may not be going anywhere. I am used to having affirmation early on and knowing where I stand, but I can be patient if he is worth it.

Emphasis on the bold. You two are fresh into dating, still honeymooning. Neither of you has an idea whether the other is "worth it" when it comes to a genuine future.

 

"he doesn't want to call me his gf yet"

"he's not sure about a future with me yet"

"he wants to keep it to two times a week"

"he doesn't like calling much"

 

Now correct me if I'm off-base, but none of these sound like he'd throw them out there completely unsolicited. It's sounding like you're raising a whole lot of discussions that really don't need to be had.

 

In his shoes, even if I'd been genuinely interested, I'd be seriously doubting any longevity at this point. If you can, try to calm yourself down a bit and let things develop more organically, but if nothing really ends up transpiring soonish, I think it may be best to take a little break from dating and start clean with someone else.

[Twinflamer]

Hit the nail on the head: "capricorn3".

Yeah-unfortunately-it seems like you are there for a convenient booty call whenever, he so chooses.

And like a few other members stated-if you are cool with fwb and little chance at something long term and concrete then go for it and stay with him;

BUT.... if you want something more set in stone and committed then I say,end it with him and go no contact.

You sound like a sweetheart, and deserve someone great- you dont have to settle for Mr. Relationship-phobe.

[Pretzel]

I'd just go with the flow and lower your expectations just 3 months in.

 

Don't ask for anything he isn't willing to give voluntarily. If, after 5/6 months things aren't changing or progressing, then is the time to make a choice about whether to stay or move on.

 

I have been with someone who said early on that he isn't ready to call me his girlfriend yet (and who still wasn't after 2-3 years), and also the type who seemed as though he wasn't ready at first (and i thought 'here we go again') but i was used to this dynamic by that point, given my past, but to my surprise he used the label about 3 or 4 months in and I didn't ever ask for it.

[Batya33]

Unfortunately it sounds like all he's ready, willing and able to offer is casual exclusive dating, but not a relationship. He was very clear about it in the beginning and subsequent times he's mentioned it.

 

At 3 mos in it's too soon to talk about "future" etc. At this point in just dating, you should be observing and paying close attention to things. For example telling you he would rather see less of you or he may get bored.

 

Try not to go so fast and too much too soon with seeing each other so much and pressuring for more, he's clearly not interested and in fact is backing away. you are not on the same page. You want a bf, he wants casual sex and freedom. Pay attention.

 

I agree. Do you really want to be with someone who sees girlfriend as just a "title" or a "label" -does he also think marriage is just a piece of paper?

[Moontiger]

Easy, say "ok, well it's been fun. When you are in a place where you are ready to have a girlfriend give me call. If I'm still free we can take it from there." Then you walk out the door. Say this in a calm tone.

 

Every guy me or my friends has dated have always asked us to be their gf well before three months.

 

I also suggest the book He's Just Not That Into You.