my husband thinks we should divorce

[My Profile]

we have been married for more than a year though we live far away and meet almost every month.we met unconventionally(we had just known each other through common aquaintances).but before commiting any wrong we entered into nikah.i had been committing sins before marrying.and moreover i considering him my husband and soulmate.told everything.and i asked him too.to share anything which is to be told.(frankly that if he had any past relationships etc.)he clearly said no.not that i didnt trust.i trusted him.and trust him today too.i never have suspected him nor did i have a problem even if he did have any relationships in the past.

what gives me immense pain is his hiding things.once when a girl whom we both know was visiting me.and she started talking things about my husband(few people know we are married and she is not one of them).that he had loved her and did things.and that my husband had intended to marry her and had talked to his parents too.i was deeply sorrowed.not because he had loved her.but because when i had asked him (in the beginning)he had refuted.i felt betrayed and hurt and used.but yet i did love him.i did trust him.i didnt trust the girl.and i asked my husband to tell me.at least just let me know why should a girl say so.so all he said was that if u trust me stay with me or else leave.I am not answering.But when i told him how sad i feel.all he said was that she was just like a sister.and nothing more.and all i did was to help her as a sister.i trusted this.and never ever troubled him again with this.a month later i saw a message.certain phones have an option for signature too.so i saw a message in the girl's mother's phone.it had a message with signature(this was personalised to include my husband's and the girl's name in the same fashion as his other passwords).the message was dated after our marriage date.yet i did trust him.and believing it to be my right i asked him,rather begged him to explain because it was excruciatingly painful to me.then all i got was that because of some people he was forced to believe he loved her and that he should marry her.but later he thought it is not right.i just heard.and accepted.

but it was really painful.had he told me when i asked instead of a no.i wouldnt have had to undergo such a hardship.but yet it was very painful.that he didnt consider me worthy enough to tell the truth.or that i wasnt his soulmate.i wasnt his confidant.we had established such a pure relation.i always have considered him everything.and then i never confronted him.but sometimes whenever i remembered the time when he had said stay or leave.i felt betrayed and extremely sad.i didn't communicate because i didnt want to hurt him.i did trust him,and i knew he is saying the truth.my only question was why lie to me.and then one day the girl's mother (who was visiting)again mentioned him.and this somehow hurt me.so it was then that i couldnt handle anymore.and told him how betrayed i felt about this.so then again he misunderstood and thought i was accusing him of having an affair.and said that i m his wife.i should see this.i told him i do trust him.its just that.his hiding things.and someone else saying things.and other occurences hurt me and that i just want to know the truth.and that i trust u.its just that i deserve to be ur confidant.and so he told me things.and said that.he had known the girl.and that many situations had occurred and i had helped her and people thought that its because i love her.and then one day she insulted me.so i decided that i will make her love me and when she says that she loves me i will reject her.and hence that signature in the phonewhich is old and i didnt change, etc.i said why didnt u tell me.he said because he thought i would never understand.and he wanted to keep the past away as it was his pant which he has cone out of and it is hurtful to go there again.and then i asked but then when the girl herself came and said things.atleast then he should have told,for the sake of his wife.so he said he didnt want to.and this way he ignored the way i feel.and later too there were occurences when somehow i was reminded of my ordeal.but i refrained from telling him because it would mean hurting him.and he would misunderstand that i do not trust him.but the case is that i was hurt.deeply.because he didnt confide in me.and lately i decided that i must not think all that.and just forgive him.and forget it.and let go of the pain it has caused me.and to strengthen this resolve i decided i must let my husband know that I forgive him for that.so i told him that ,that action of his had caused me immense pain.i trusted him then and i trust him now.it was that my expectations of being his confidant had been broken ,but now i let go of those feelings and i promised him that i will never trouble him with this anymore.and that i will forget it.and never mention it again.and i will be a good wife.and will not get angry because of misunderstandings.and after this he misunderstood me and thought i was accusing him of having an affair with that girl.i explained that i had a problem with his hiding and consequent lies.but he thought otherwise.and now he says that he intends to divorce me because i have complaints with him.my resolve to strengthen my relationship has gone so awry.and he has misunderstood me immensely.

what do i do?who is right?and should he divorce me because i am a bad wife?(i do fight and sometimes become angry too,i sometimes counter interact and question him if i dont lije things and sometimes dudobey him with regards to things like eating or sleeping(we live apart),apart from that he knows i love him deeply and i know he loves me(though the last time we talked he had told that he would marry someone and that i could tell him to divorce me whenever i desired.and that he is giving me time to strengthen myself for divorce).

[Wiseman2]

Why did you marry and why is it a secret? Why do you live long distance? Does he have other wives?

we have been married for more than a year though we live far away and meet almost every month. we entered into nikah. all he said was that if u trust me stay with me or else leave.

[My Profile]

we married because we wanted to.we had similarities and we liked each other.and somehow we had the same thoughts.its a secret from our families because we intend to graduate and settle down and then give them the news.no he does not.we live long distance because of my college and his career.

[Wiseman2]

So you did nikah in order to not fornicate outside of marriage? How old is he? Maybe he just wanted this paper marriage to have sex?

its a secret from our families because we intend to graduate and settle down and then give them the news.we live long distance because of my college and his career.

[My Profile]

no.we had immense trust in each other.we both are believers in god.and keeping our trust in him.married in gods presence.just the two of us.no legal things.then we had sex.when we met.later he said that we should get legal as in case someone sees they do not think it otherwise.and we r not considered as anything else.but a legal couple.so he took pains and arranged(we had sex.and i wasnt 18 so we couldnt marry according to jurisdiction and hence we waited.) to marry without having our parents involved.we did court marriage.then later we did nikah on paper after having sex.we first married in court.got paers prepared.and then nikah later.he is 7 years older.and i do trust him.the only thing is i want us to be together.and that i have already forgiven him.and he misunderstood.i just was saddened and expected him to be true to me.thats it.

[My Profile]

he was keener to have it legalised.i trusted him without paperwork.

[Wiseman2]

You can circumvent the prohibited fornication by doing nikah, that's why he was keen on it. But really common sense wise, you don't tell family, you sneak around lying about being married, you don't trust each other, etc. How godly is that?

 

Is he fooling you or are you fooling yourselves or are you ok with perpetrating a lie to everyone and disrespecting your families by 'making it official' only to have sex, but pretending not to be married? Why not consult a spiritual leader since your values and morals seem very very confused and all you are talking about is the proper paper marriage and everything else is a lie.

he was keener to have it legalised.i trusted him without paperwork.

[My Profile]

we do trust each other.the reason not telling families is because it isnt time.we have decided to inform after settling down in our careers.and i do trust him.today too.i complained to him about he lying.and he thought i am accusing him.and that i can never trust him.but that is not the case.

[My Profile]

the paperwork was for the society.because sex is a taboo.the only reason we got papers was too 1)be assured that even if we r caught.we are not considered offenders or lovers.2)he said he didn't want me to think that he is using me (my sins that i trysted.though i didnt do anything wrong)therefore and he said that he doesnt want me to be restless and therefore we decided to put it on oaoer.

so that even if fsmily cones to know.we remsin together.we love each other.and have gone against family too.

 

my question is that am i wrong if i complain that he lied?

[Jinsky]

I think both of your parents at least have the right to know..

And what does he mean by giving you time to strengthen yourself for the divorce process? Wow, does he even act like your husband or be a good partner aside from sex anyway?

Sorry to say this seems to be a mess. Marriage is not all butterflies, lots of stinky stuffs will come up in the process. Especially being long distance and ( I think ) not enough time knowing each other prior the marriage.

[My Profile]

true.we just knew.but that was very intense.and we do love each other.and it isnt a mess.i just want to know if i am wrong to feel betrayed by his hiding things?and telling them late?

[My Profile]

we wouldn't want them to know till we settle because of society's norms.it demands that first career then marriage.and the age factor too.we cant be the cause of shame to our families.

[Jinsky]

Anyway, it's not wrong to complaint or express disappointment when your partner lied. However, you do have to deal with the aftermath/truth and decided to let it go or break up.

Your reaction is your own responsibility. It seems you are anxious of him lying and continuously resent him. You said you do trust him, but I think you are losing trust.

This is unhealthy. Forget who is right or wrong, both sides have to work together to build a strong relationship.

Can you truly be happy with him?

[My Profile]

we are not talking normally since 2 days.aand i feel miserable.i am not able to concentrate on studies or anything.he disliked me talking and wasting time with friends and advised me to focus on career instead.and i practically have no friends but him.the only oerdon i talked too was him.and on phone.i live with my family.but i always shared detsils of my life with him.and i am happy with him.its just that he never acknowledged the hurt.the oain and sorrow.and when i finslly decided to let go.and for the last time told him do that i increase my accountability and maintain the promuse he misunderstood me.and said i dont trust him.but that isn't true.i am happy with him.

[Wiseman2]

Then why didn't you stand up for yourself and your family and do it that way? Why sneak in a paper marriage so you can circumvent the fornication thing?

society's norms.it demands that first career then marriage.we cant be the cause of shame to our families.

[My Profile]

Then why didn't you stand up for yourself and your family and do it that way? Why sneak in a paper marriage so you can circumvent the fornication thing?

 

because we wanted to be together and at the same time not dushearten our families too.

and love does this.

[Jinsky]

Agree with Wiseman2.

I grew up in a society with lots of norms and social taboos as well. I share your sentiments a bit, my profile. Which is why I want you to think what marriage may mean to you.

To enter marriage also means to own up a new set of responsibilities, you ought to be prepared together not only financially, but also mentally. Unfortunately, it doesn't seems like it's the case yet. If the marriage just to avoid punishment against sin...Well...I was under assumption God would want the marriage to be sacred, sincere and happy union.

Every action has its consequences. You have to be prepared.

 

Putting that aside, let's put yourself in his shoes. You lied for whatever reason, maybe to try not making troubles. Your partner then continuously interrogating you. And you finally caved in and say more. But now he's pissed and continuously bring it up. You know you are wrong, but it's also uncomfortable. Worse, you can only argue on the phone, which makes it harder to get closure sometimes. You are done with it, but your partner keeps reminding you. How would you feel?

 

You are doing long distance with coveted relationship. There will be lies, there will be lots of misunderstanding and miscommunication as well. Personally, I will not stay in this kind of relationship. But it's your life.

Good luck if you guys decide to stay and work it out.

[My Profile]

i was in his shoes.technically.and i had confided in him.my past,my present,my sins,about my past relationships ,everything.he too said things.not secrets.but yes he did share his deep thoughts.i was open with him.and basically it was in the beginning.before we even entered into the relationship.we just chatted.and developed a connection.and i confided in him.my sorrows troubles because it felt so close.and after we begsn.i asked him.u kniw everything about me.and what abt u.so he completely refuted anything like this.and we were serious.and in the beginning.after a few months.he began questioning me about those relationships which were nothing but insignificant and no more existed.they were my mistakes.and not grievous(no sex).and i though hurt yet answered him paruently and took all of his accusing everything and told him i love him and my past is past.and moreover it was i who yold him.

and it isnt the same.

i came to kniw about things he had hudden from me.(though for the better.yet he hid and lied)

and now when i forgive him,and forget.at this point he says that i do not trust him.had i not trusted i would have keft.i trust him therefore i stayed.and now i forgive him too.why should he leave