Needing professional help necessary?

[lilacskies]

I was seeing this guy who cut off all contact recently without officially ending it. We just sort of stopped talking. I got very attached and developed deep feeling for this guy. During our time together he made me to believe the feelings were mutual but commitment wasn't there. He said/did many things that I'm having a hard time getting over. From him saying he loved me to him telling me he was never attracted to me bc of my body; from the soft kisses and caresses to the "love taps" and poking fun at my imperfections that were insecurities. Little things he would do that would build me up but also the things he would do that would bring me down. I never fully felt like myself with him but I still love him.

 

Recently, I started having nightmares about all the awful/amazing things he said/did to me. I say nightmares bc i wake up from them screaming and crying with hands clenched so hard I broke skin. The second night waking up like this I ended up calling a suicide prevention hotline to talk to some one. I felt hopeless like I wasn't even safe from him in my dreams.

 

After talking with the person on the hotline she suggested that he was emotionally abusive and referred me to a website. A lot of the things he would say and do went under this category. I'm still having a hard time believing that it was emotional abuse and not just me being not good enough for him.

 

So Im looking to get professional help from a therapist about it. I shouldn't be having nightmares, or unable to eat, or feeling so worthless bc of my experience with him. He really messed with my head and as much as I try to do things I love or spend time with people who care and move on I can't stop shaking. I can't stop feeling like I'm absolutely nothing bc of the things he said and did to me. I feel like a hollowed out person now.

 

My question is do you think it silly to be seeking professional help to work through a break up? It wasn't like it was a long timeframe but I feel like I can't do this alone this time. I've been through breaks ups before but this one has a different effect on me. I feel like I'm being dramatic going to this length to feel better like I should be able to do it on my own. Am I crazy?

[nutbrownhare]

You are experiencing really strong emotions which, I'd guess, are only partly due to the breakup and more about old stuff within you. Now is an IDEAL time to be working on all this, far from being silly. If you go into therapy and use this as a growth period, it also makes it much less likely that you'll be drawn into a relationship like this in the future.

 

What you also need to appreciate is that therapy isn't like an aspirin, and you may well not feel better immediately. But stick with it, and you'll be so much happier in the long run, more able to make wise relationship choices and more confident about leaving relationships which aren't working for you.

 

Good luck!

[Betterwithout]

Yes, this WAS emotional abuse, which is equally if not more damaging than physical abuse.

 

Therapy should never be looked down upon, no matter what the circumstances.

It takes courage to ask for help, and with the right therapist, it will help you get through this.

 

You have unfortunately experienced emotional abuse first hand, but now you know the red flags for next time.

 

Wish you well

[Lysflower]

Hi lilacskies - how long were you dating and when did the "non-official" breakup occur?

 

To answer your question, it is not silly at all to seek professional help to deal with a BU and get over an ex. I have been seeing a therapist for 3 months because I find it difficult to get over my ex of nearly 2 years ago... That does not make me crazy, it just means that the BU I still struggle with is (much) tougher to go through than the previous ones. Seeking professional help is the first step towards acknowledging you need further help, the kind of help that your friends and relatives can no longer provide, not only because they are not professionally qualified, but also because their POV and advice is obviously biased (too sympathetic or too harsh, as the case may be). Over the last 3 months I have found verbalization of feelings and thoughts with my therapist to be extremely powerful! I made more progress in 3 months with my therapist than in 18 months on my own - because I was still lying to myself. I suggest you look carefully for a counselor that has a reasonable amount of experience with dealing with the sort of issues you are facing.

 

Big hugs xx

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. You did all the right things reaching out for help and following up with therapy. Agree it sounds abusive. You dodged a bullet.

telling me he was never attracted to me bc of my body. I ended up calling a suicide prevention hotline to talk to some one. she suggested that he was emotionally abusive and referred me to a website. Im looking to get professional help from a therapist about it.

[lilacskies]

Thank you all so much for your responses. I've never felt this way before and it helps to know I'm not being ridiculous about it.

Lysflower- we were only together for 4 months and the "non-official" breakup was almost a month ago now. I know it wasn't that long but it was enough time for damage to be done.

I actually had my first appointment tonight and although it might take a while to be better I already feel like I can kind of breathe again.

I just hope he's kinder to the girl he's with now. That he doesn't do the same thing to her.

 

Thanks again

[Lysflower]

Thank you all so much for your responses. I've never felt this way before and it helps to know I'm not being ridiculous about it.

 

This is not ridiculous at all, I was in the exact same spot as you 2 years and a half ago when my ex ex broke up with me after 2 months. Had never felt that way about anyone else before, after only 2 months of dating - yes 2 months! How I felt it was the end of the world and how you feel right now is not a reflection on our mental health but rather on the depth of our feelings for our ex. Good on you for seeking professional help. Keep us all posted!