Are my feelings valid?/what to do if they are?

[misssmithviii]

TL;DR Bf and I both busy. He works overnight and goes to school - I work days and oscillate between our apartment and my dad's where my daughter is (we share half the week). Bf doesn't keep plans of once a month date night, is always tired (rightfully so), and so Idk if my feelings of neglect and loneliness from scarce interaction/conversation/sex on the daily are valid enough to be acted upon. I don't know what "acting on" these feelings even means. Worried to discuss for fear of being shunned bc he's as always too tired to interact bc bf is tired even when he has no work or school (combat vet with poor family bonds and deadbeat dad lean toward depression). Bf is very loving and kind when he's not tired, and we rarely argue... he plans for the future for me and my daughter, and although I view our day-to-day-roommate-like life right now as temporary, I still feel lonely bc we rarely speak/have sex/interact. Bf doesn't have sleep schedule and spends time focusing on the internet more than studies, so when I'm home he's either too busy/asleep. I remain supportive, yet feel resentful when he makes plans and either can't follow through bc he falls asleep/I have to try and force him to commit to plans. Thoughts?

 

Read more if you need details, and thank you

 

---- (Skip-able history if you already know) ----

My bf and I have been together for 2 years. We lived together for awhile in the beginning (which was mostly me coming over at night or during my days off during the day, keeping things over at his place). Back in late 2015, we had a falling out. He had said he believed his success in his education was mutually exclusive to his success as a boyfriend. It was terrible for us both, and I took my things and left.

After he reached out, and after many successful talks, we ended up living together again - this time, much much healthier. My father rented all the rooms out where I was because my uncle stole a few tens of thousands from him and needed help, and well we have a pretty business-like relationship. We share having my daughter through the week, and my daughter loves my bf and my bf loves her so much.

 

My bf was there for me when I had a rough few months, broken down over my failure at university that has caused me to change my major as I was to enter my senior year. I was also without a job, living off savings and my bf.

Then it flipped when I got a full time job and he went to school. He struggled but came out on top and when the quarter finished, he had trouble finding a job while he waited for winter quarter this year (which at our UC means January is the start). I had been financially supporting us both during those months. I began to feel frustrated in our relationship because although he wasn't working or going to school, he was always tired. When I came home, he was exhausted all the time from what he admits: doing nothing.

 

 

 

---- (Relevant information starts here) ----

About 3 months ago my bf got a job working full time overnight at the same place I work full time in the day. He's an Engineer, and I manage contracts/revenue/client relations for the business. I mostly create reports, balance inventory for clients and work closely with the Accounting/Revenue department. For the first few weeks he worked daytime shifts for training. This was before his winter quarter at university officially began in late January, and our relationship went into high gear - we were having a lot of fun together, communicating, interacting... he noted that working felt good and took a lot of stress off of his shoulders. For a few months prior, I was the breadwinner - before that, he was while I went to school. So our relationship was blooming with us both making money. We were flirting, having sex regularly again (because that phased out for awhile to only a few times a month when he was tired all the time from doing nothing - a point of contention before - when he was between college quarters and not having a job) and going on long walks enjoying each other's company.

 

Then school began and his schedule became hectic. He works 10:40pm-7:10am, then depending on the day of the week has class beginning either at 8am or 10am - that spans until around noon. From noon to 10:40pm, he has to find time to sleep/study/recharge... but his sleep schedule has become so erratic, sometimes staying up until 6pm and only sleeping for 4 hours, sometimes sleeping and ditching class, to waking up until 7pm and sleeping for 3. On weekends I'm full time with my daughter while my dad has her on weekdays (closer to her school) and during the week some days I'll come over after her classes and spend the afternoon/night helping with homework/dinner/bedtime, then drive to my our (mine and my bf's) apartment to get sleep before work in the morning.

 

Sometimes my dad has special plans to take my daughter to the snow or something over the weekend, so I'm with my bf - and he sleeps most of the time. The other Sunday he slept 17 hours straight and has expressed concerns he might have a medical problem bc he never feels rested.

 

I personally think it could be depression (combat veteran with poor family ties and deadbeat dad), but all in all I know he's trying his absolute best. He's sporadically affectionate, grasping me in his arms telling me he loves me and my daughter and can't wait until we can afford a larger apartment and have her with us 24/7. Every now and then he tells me he's crazy about me and kisses my stretch marks (no amount of diet and exercise can rid me of these!), sometimes making comments about how he thinks my daughter would do well with a sibling.

 

But my feelings are messy. I feel lonely. I feel neglected and here's why... We rarely have sex again, and when we do he always opts for the position-of-least-resistance. He doesn't initiate it, so I have to delicately weigh out the situation to make sure I'm not making him feel inadequate - bc if I initiate when he's too tired, he becomes guilt-ridden for rejecting my advances.

 

When he's awake, he's too exhausted to talk or do much of anything unless he wants to join us when I take my daughter to do something. I feel irritated when I see him spend hours surfing the web instead of studying, when he's just complained about needing to study more because he's worried about passing classes. I feel irritated when he opts out of sleep to instead peruse the internet or play video games, all the while saying he's so tired.

Before his schedule kicked-in like it has these past couple months, we talked about how we wouldn't spend much time together. He was worried I'd feel neglected. So he promised a once-a-month date night. This sounded perfect for us, and I like structure.

 

First month it never happened. I forget why, but I didn't and I didn't say anything. This month, he fell asleep the day before on Sunday for 17 hours (as I mentioned above) and slept again Monday (our date night, his day off) all afternoon into the evening. When I finally woke him to ask if we should reschedule, he jumped up and got ready. But we argued because after he got ready he didn't put his coat or shoes on, and instead he went back to the bed on his phone without speaking - I asked what he was doing, and he basically said he was now waiting for me now although I was fully dressed and ready... but I wasn't, idk waiting by the door and instead sitting on the couch? He said afterwards that when he got out of the shower and saw me on my phone, he resigned to the fact that I was too busy. I retorted with how I was only reading on my phone while I waited for him to get dressed. He never did tell me what he expected of me in order to have a more positive response.

 

His car recently broke so we've been sharing mine. Yesterday I had to walk 3 miles in my work shoes in the dark, twisty road (sans sidewalk for 2/3s of it), because he "didn't hear [his] phone ring and [he] was asleep". He was mortified when I arrived, shoes dirty and damaged, ice cold to the touch (didn't have a coat because he drops me off outside my office) and he apologized endlessly. I didn't fight, I didn't yell or make any snide comments... I was sad, not mad - and when I'm sad I get quiet. I was disappointed, dejected and felt neglected instead of angry - which is usually my default.

 

He still hasn't gotten his car fixed because last he went a week ago, they said he needed to drive 50 more miles to make the computer flash a code to diagnose, and when he returned, the clutch stuck to the floor on our street. I helped push his car back in front of the apartment.

 

This morning he got me McDonald's and said Happy Valentine's Day. He dropped me off at work, picked me up and took me out to one of my fav taco places. It's a small place called El Sitio for any fellow southern CA residents. It was great, and yet we didn't talk much if at all because he was too tired. Afterwards, he got wine and fancy Gouda cheese and wanted to spend his night off hanging out with me as that was his big Valentine's Day plan - I was SO EXCITED! When we got back though, he laid down and said, "just need to rest." I said it might be better if he takes a nap first until maybe 10/11p and we'll have wine and cheese bundled up at our fav beach spot, but he said "when I go to sleep tonight it'll be for 8 hours, so I'm not sleeping yet." But he said that as he as closing his eyes. After over an hour I realized he wasn't going to wake up anymore.

 

So here I am, venting online... feeling lonely again and wondering if I even have a right to feel that way. My friend Abby says he can do better at managing his sleep schedule and he shouldn't stare at a screen for hours as "tries to sleep". She says he's always tired whether he works or goes to school or not, and therefore he must be depressed. She says life is always tiresome, and he has to learn to adapt. Abby says my bf has grown too comfortable and now subconsciously feels no need to invest in our relationship by taking the necessary steps to follow thru with plans, because I'm too reassuring and supportive of him all the time... because I don't scold him to keep him in check. She says I shouldn't be so understanding all the time, because it makes him lazy, it makes him not work harder to get his own car fixed, not put down the electronic devices and just close his eyes in bed, not study when he should be and not being interactive.

 

I think she's bitter from her past experiences with similar yet worse situations... but I also know I do feel lonely and neglected more often. I feel like he treats his education the same way he treats me - procrastinates and does what he needs to get by and by feeding him words of affirmation regularly as is his Love Language, I make him complacent. I have friends who have worked overnight and gone to school, and they had a set schedule and maintained healthy relationships. I know it's possible I just don't know if I can't have any impact. I want to talk to him, but I'm nervous he'll just be too tired and we won't have a meaningful conversation that changes anything. I'm worried if we schedule a conversation, he won't be able to follow through because as he said "[he] can't make plans anymore with [his] schedule where [he] never know when [he'll] be tired."

 

I don't expect him to not be tired, I expect him to be self aware enough not to make promises and plans he can't keep - all the while knowing I won't throw a fit if he doesn't follow through bc I'm not one to do that. I'm okay with not spending a ton of time with him... I'm not okay with being essentially stood up.

 

I know our schedules are hectic right now... so I don't know if my feelings are valid. Are my feelings reasonable, or are they selfish? Do I need to rework my feelings and expectations, or should I stand my ground? What would "standing my ground" even mean or look like? I've been approaching this like this is temporary, and we love each other so much and have the same world view so when this time passes, we'll be back in the swing of things. But that's the mentality my friend Abby says is dangerously complacent and will only lead to resentment. She says even when he didn't work or go to school he was tired all the time so this is no excuse.

 

What are your thoughts? Have you experienced this before? Do you think he's depressed/not coping with depression well? If he needs therapy, how do you suggest to a SO without sounding inherently condescending? He's a busy man too so I don't see that being something he could do right now.

 

I've been berated on here before, and it really messed with me. So I ask if you have something mean to say, don't say it.

 

Thanks in advance.

[musicman777]

I don't know what fun it is dating someone who is unmotivated to do anything in life. He doesn't speak with you much, spend much time with you, nor get intimate. What the hell are you sticking around then, for? It sounds like he's constantly tired and lazy. If you're going to enter a committed relationship with someone and even make plans to integrate their child in your life, you have to be willing to put the time and energy into all of it. He's not doing that and therefore doesn't deserve anymore of your time or attention. If he is this lazy and "tired" now, what is he going to be like even further down the road when he gets even more responsibilities (eg. marriage and possibly more kids?)

 

Look, you're 26 years old. There is absolutely no need to stick with some guy that isn't doing it for you. Being a combat vet and having a deadbeat dad isn't an excuse to be tired and lazy all the time. Look, I've had an extremely rough life myself; I'm 27, grew up with an alcoholic dad I still have to deal with, my mom almost died and is in a nursing home. I also suffer from severe depression. But I am not "lazy"; I still cook everyday, get out, buy groceries, work, clean, raise a dog, visit my mother, and even am remodeling my house in between all of it. There's a difference between depression and just sheer laziness. I also want to mention this; these are things he has to cope with himself. They SHOULDN'T be your problems. He has to take control over his own life. It sounds to me like this guy shouldn't be dating anyone right now with how his life is.

 

That's just my two cents, sorry if I sound judgmental or anything. I think he just sounds lazy and I don't think you need to put up with this kind of crap.