I don't know how to BU with him

[jennylove]

I've been dating "Edward" for 6 months. I can honestly say this relationship has been wonderful. we get along SO well, we have similar core values. To sum us up, I feel at peace with him, and he feels at peace about me. BUT

 

Edward is 40 years old and has literally nothing. He has roommates because he can't afford to live on his own, He's never lived on his own. He has bad credit. His job is seasonal, but during peak season, he only makes 14/HR. He has not planned for retirement and has nothing towards retirement.

 

I'm polar opposite of ^. I was overlooking these facts early on, but now that things are starting to escalate, it's starting to bother me. A recent conversation that we had somewhat made the red flags go up. Here is a condensed version of our convo that gave me pause:

We were talking about what our goals were, where we see ourselves in 3-5 years. He said he sees himself married to me and we'll both be first time parents by then. This is exactly what I'm looking for, too. I want to finally settle down and start a family. I've been working really really hard on my career for the past 10-15 years, but now it's time to settle down. I was happy to hear this was a goal of his. We were asking eachother questions back and forth, when I asked where he sees himself working if we do end up getting married and starting a family. He said he'll work at randomn times, like a painting job here and there, etc. otherwise, he thinks it would be best to be a stay-at-home daddy because daycare is too expensive and it would be good for the baby to have a SAH parent. I agree with him here. And I would be the breadwinner, so it makes sense for me to work. But I was brought up to believe a man should do whatever it takes to provide for his family. My dad worked 3 jobs. I never saw him, really. But his objective was to provide, to send us to private schools, etc. My dad would never put the full responsibility on my mom while he stayed home. It threw me off that he's OK with letting me carry health insurance on all 3 of us and pay for everything else while he SAH. Is this a real man? I think not

 

It took me a day to process this convo. It didn't hit me until the next day about how twisted this feels. I never told him how it made me feel because it was just a random conversation and we've only been together a short time, it's not heading towards marriage right now But then he sent me a text earler today that said, "I'm working outside today, it's sunny but the wind is cutting right through me. I wish I could quit this damn job"

 

I wanted to reply: you want to quit and get me pregnant, right?

 

Anyway, I think it's time to let him go. I was giving "us" hope by thinking maybe we can open up a small diner together, which is my dream, and he could primarily work there to help support his family. But that probably won't happen. I'm not a gold digger by any means. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy. I just want someone who can hold his own. This relationship would've been amazing otherwise.

 

How do I break up with him without making him defensive? I could tell him that there are certain areas that we aren't compatible in, but I think he'll either get defensive when I outline everything or he'll back peddle and tell me he will work full time, etc. Whaf should I say? I've never been good at breaking up.

[Matt3939]

If that's the way he's always been then you have to decide what you want. I've always worked since 16. My last relationship I would have put my career on hold if need be. I understand when I start looking for someone again. Them having a job is a requirement. Not cause I want anything from them but I'd want to come in on equal terms. Now if they lost there job that's a whole different story.

[jennylove]

Matt,

I've also had a job since age 16, no gaps in employment since age 16. I have a huge heart for people who have lost their job and can't find another job in this horrible economy. But that's not the case with him.

[Almira23]

I would be honest with him. Tell him that you two are not compatible when it comes to finances and career goals. It will be blatantly obvious if you sugar coat the reason for the break up, so that he does not get defensive. It's cringe worthy dumping someone and not telling them the actual reason.

Maybe this is the kick in the a** he needs to life a successful life, but from your post it seems as if he is content with the life that he is living and at 40, I don't think his mindset will change.

[jennylove]

Well here is an interesting plot twist: He seems to be ghosting me.

 

We got together for bkfast yesterday and I I told him what my doctor said, that my biological clock started ticking 5 years ago and if I'm thinking about having a kid, now is the time. During our bkfast date, I told Edward that it's too early in the relationship for us to try to get pregnant and I'm afraid that when it is at that point, I will be too old. I also told him that 1 child is probably all that I'll be able to have if we get to that point, and 2 kids isn't very realistic for me. He said "I'm here thru good and bad times, we'll get thru it". We then began talking about othe things in life. I told him that when my upcoming surgery is performed and I take 8 weeks off, that I'm worried about my bank account running dry since I won't be working. That I'll be safe if I can return to work at 8 weeks, but I'm going to be bone dry if it's any longer. He didn't say much, but breakfast ended shortly after this because he suddenly had an errand to run.

 

He hasn't texted or called or returned my calls since then. We've never gone this long without communicating. And I know he has his phone because he did get a new FB friebd today (a female) and he's putting hearts on every selfie that she has posted.

 

Well I say I dodged a bullet!

[Wiseman2]

6 mos of dating is the getting to know you phase and although he states he wants theses things, there doesn't seem to be a plan for this if he's 40 living with roommates. Just tell him it's not working out. 6 mos is a good time to cut your losses if your values and goals clash.

I've been dating "Edward" for 6 months.

Edward is 40 years old and has literally nothing. He has roommates because he can't afford to live on his own, He's never lived on his own. He has bad credit.

[janut1]

My first thought is that when you told him your bank accounts will run dry during recovery he decided you can't be his sugar mama. That might be all he was looking for sorry to say.

 

I.think you dodged a bullet. He sounds lazy and looking for someone else to carry him financially.

 

Don't you get disability though? In the US if you aren't able to work due to surgery or accident you apply for temporary disability.

[jennylove]

Yes, Janut, that's what I'm thinking. He thinks I'm going to be broke and so he jetted.

 

To be honest, the part about me going broke was just me testing him. I'm covered by disability and then my PTO will supplement the rest. I won't lose a penny while off.