Fiancé left me out of the blue

[Lostalone23344]

So, I am typically not the person to do things like this to even find sites like this but I am at a point where I am moribidally depressed and purely confused. I am only ninenteen years old and my fiancé was 21. We had what others would say the picture perfect relationship, and it literally was or to me I thought it was. We recently got engaged four months ago, moved in together in an apartment two months ago, got a puppy a month ago that he begged for is a part of our family, he always told me he didn't want me to work because he wants to take care of me at all times even when I asked. We never even had a single argument until just last month I have been worried about him working 8-8 everyday and only having one day off. He knew I already had trust issues and abandonment issues from people leaving me in the past and I would constantly be scared not because of him but because of my past. Every single day he reassured me that the wedding couldn't come any sooner (it would have been in four months) he couldn't live without me, I am his best friend, nothing ever seemed off he always promised to me he couldn't live without me and showed it. The same day he left me he sent me a long message (he typically does) going on and on about how I am his Soulmate he couldn't live without me never be worried about anything that he's going to be with me for the rest of my life and I am all he needs it goes on and on. And for the same night he left me high and dry and he's only explanation was he wasn't happy and couldn't tell me the last time he was. And that he did all these things not to hurt me, but nobody forced him to call me non stop, that I was the only one he talked to, telling me these things, this is literally making me drastically depressed I cannot eat sleep

and my mind keeps racing. It's been four days and he's not contacted me once, you know who he has cleaning up his mess his mother!! She called me asking for the apartment key to get his clothes and I wouldn't give it to her because that's her sons responsibility, he got himself into all of this mess and here I am cleaning up after it when I am depressed not knowing how to go on with my life without him and he told me could never go on without me but guess what he seems to be doing perfectly fine, he went as far as getting a locksmith to not get the key from me. I don't understand how you have spent a life with someone said all of these things and he left me without a job, money, our animal, an apartment lease, my parents debt from the wedding. So how do you leave somebody you claim to have all of these feelings for and love and never look back. The thing that makes it the most hard is this would be so much easier to accept if I seen it coming, but to give somebody your reassurance and put on an act this hard is unbelievable to me and I don't know how to cope to ever cope. It was either he was lying to me all of this time or lying to himself right now or some breakdown but either way there's no excuse for doing this to somebody. To give me these trust issues for the rest of my life, the pain to live through, the humiliation of the wedding getting called off and the confusion. I need some serious help and I don't know what can help me, when I always knew if I lost him I would lose everything and that's literally how it feels when I was sad he was the only one I turned to and I don't even have that now. But he didn't have to say all of these strong feelings and doing all

Of these things and calls at work he would never even leave me even slightly less than perfect but to go to one extreme to another I am lost and lonely depressed confused.

[evad1]

He left you with the apartment lease!!! Why didn't he sign the lease? He was the one with a job. Jeeze how long were you guys together?

[Betterwithout]

So sorry you have been through this, definitely a tough ordeal to go through.

 

The best advice I can give is know you we're not the cause of this. He blatently lied to you. He is the jerk. You are young, and you will eventually meet the right guy. Just not right now. He is the thorn you hit on the way to the rose.

 

Interview 2 or 3 therapists and set up sessions with the one who best fits. For quick help, check out "Live Expert Advice" tab above.

 

Wish you well.

[Lostalone23344]

Both of our names were on the lease but he was the only one working. And I would ask him even the day before he left if he wants me to get a job because he works so much I felt bad and he told all the time of course not you should trust me, you don't have to worry about a thing my goal is to take care of you and us forever nothing more. It's mind boggling how much of an act someone can obtain, and feel like you went from knowing everything to nothing about the person you were with every single day and going to marry

[j.man]

How long have you not been working? Why not?

[Lostalone23344]

He didn't want me to work, he said he wanted to be the one working and wanted to take care of me and I just do the house work and take care of the dog. So I quit working a week before we moved into the apartment. But we were already living together for 6 months with his mom

[reinventmyself]

phew. . you are both so young. How long were you together before you both moved in (with his mother?)

 

What I read between the lines sounds somewhat codependent.

 

If you are in a mature, secure relationship all the excessive reassuring isn't necessary.

It's just understood.

 

You may not see it but what you shared does not sound healthy. At 19 he should be encouraging your independence and growth and

not having you at home and pretty much isolated while he's gone as much as he is. This isn't good for either of you.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine how difficult it is and you must feel as the rug has been

pulled out from beneath you.

 

I hope your family is there for support. Please consider therapy and work on your trust issues so this doesn't follow you into

future relationships.

[lostandhurt]

You may not believe this right now but he did you a GIGANTIC FAVOR by leaving you.

 

There are numerous red flags here but you are simply to young and inexperienced to see them.

 

I know you are devastated and hurting really badly right now but you have to know that you will be okay. He was not your everything and you were not his. In fact it is very unhealthy for a couple to rely on each other for all their emotional. physical and financial support. I doubt he even knows what he wants or what he is doing which is another good reason not to be with him or anyone like him.

 

To speed up your healing you need to make a plan and get going on that plan. I assume you can move back home to your parents so you need to speak to them and make sure you can. Next pack up all your stuff and move home, give the key to his mother and let him deal with the apartment and lease issue. There is no need to hold his stuff ransom or to teach him a lesson on responsibility. Just get away from all that as fast as possible so you can focus on your healing.

 

Right now your heart is broken and you have tons of questions you will probably never get the answers to. This is part of healing where you accept that there was nothing you could have done differently to stop what he did. This isn't about you at all, it is all about him and his lies and deceit.

 

Stay close to family and friends as you go down the path of healing. By this time next week you will feel better even if it is only slightly better and then as the weeks go by little by little you will see you will be okay.

 

Lost

[j.man]

He didn't want me to work, he said he wanted to be the one working and wanted to take care of me and I just do the house work and take care of the dog. So I quit working a week before we moved into the apartment. But we were already living together for 6 months with his mom

Do you live in a 15 bedroom mansion? What do you do when you're not cleaning or taking care of the dog? Takes me four hours on a Saturday to deep clean our apartment for the week. I'd have gone through Netflix's library twice already if I were tasked with spot cleaning and walking the dog twice a day during the week. It'd be a whole other story if you had a house and a kid at home. You're really just cool hanging around with no professional or academic development to speak of, relying entirely on him to essentially survive?

 

I'm sorry this happened to you, but you should be motivated enough to be self-sufficient to not have to depend on asking him whether or not you should work. Definitely work on the co-dependency as others have suggested.

[Wiseman2]

What's the real reason he broke up? You must allow him or his designated person (mother) to collect his things, you can't hold them hostage in order to force him to see you.

 

Tell your folks to see if they can get refunds. Have you moved back home? You need to get a job. It's unrealistic that you sit at home all day and he works his butt off 12 hrs a day 6 days a week and then you complain you "feel abandoned"? been four days and he's not contacted me once, She called me asking for the apartment key to get his clothes and I wouldn't give it to her my parents debt from the wedding.

[DancingFool]

I agree with the other poster that due to your youth and inexperience, you've missed major red flags in this relationship. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you have truly dodged a bullet here and literally have a fresh chance at a much better life.

 

Talk to the landlord about ending the lease. Since you are both on it, you are probably both liable, but if you didn't work....he might be solely liable and you might just be listed as tenant/dependent. Either way, you need to know.

 

If the guy is not talking to you, not much you can do about it. Deal with his mother. Let her take his stuff. Ask her about his intentions regarding the lease. He might be acting out, but you need to be sure you don't have an eviction or lease breach on your record. That will follow you for life and make things difficult for you. You need to take care of you and your own interests here asap.

 

Start looking for a job. See if your old job will take you back. Wisest words that the wise women in family ever pounded into my brain - never ever lose your financial independence or rely on a man for it. It doesn't matter what the man says or wants, you do not give that kind of power over yourself to anyone, ever.

 

Trust me when I say that you do not want to spend your life living like a child at the man's mercy. Asking your hubby for $20 to go out with and he can say yes or no to you and not much you can do about that. Never put yourself into that kind of a subjugated position.

 

Honestly, at 19 you should be thinking college or trade school, going out with friends, enjoying life, working, building your future for yourself. Husbands and babies shouldn't even be a consideration at this point. You've got to allow yourself to live a little because once this time of life passes and you do end up with a family, you can never go back and have that freedom to explore the world again.