howtolifeta Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 So, lately, i've been feeling trapped and like i'm a mouse on a wheel. I met my SO 6 years ago, and we hit it off well. There are ways we don't mesh, like our sex drives are pretty different, and our work schedules leave us with little time together. Despite that, we get along very well and sort through issues pretty intelligently. Also she has some health issues and depression, and is a heavy smoker. These are things that i've talked to her about getting help for, but she seems to rarely have the energy to address them due to her stress about her immigration situation. However, lately she's been leaning on me more and more for emotional support and it's draining me. Also, her immigration situation is causing friction because it severely limits what we can do in terms of travel. I've been feeling more and more like we're sacrificing years of our lives for her to fix her immigration status, rather than just moving to a different country. She has family here, so i understand that she wants to sort things out here, but it's still very difficult to make this sacrifice with her. So, tonight, this all came out. I told her i need some time to figure out what it is that i want, how i can feel like i'm not wasting my life. She was understandably very upset, and told me repeatedly that she'd never had doubts about loving me and that i need to tell her if i have doubts about loving her. The thing is, i do love her, and it killed me to see her so upset and betrayed, but i don't want to take it all back if it's going to continue to eat at me. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I'm at a loss. On the one hand i want to tell her i'm sure about her and it's all going to be ok, but on the other hand i don't want to lie to myself just to stop her current misery. Thank you for reading.
gebaird Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 lately she's been leaning on me more and more for emotional support and it's draining me. This seems like the core of the issue. Instead of telling her you are "doubting everything," which is an unsolvable problem (and very hurtful), why not focus on this? Create some healthy boundaries and help her understand when she's being too needy and codependent.
Betterwithout Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 Is there a way to help her with her immigration status and put it as a top priority? Seems to be a stressor leading to other problems in the relationship.
Wiseman2 Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 Try to remain firm and not string her along. She hasn't made the changes you see as deal breakers, perhaps she can't fix them. It sounds liking she's clinging and suffocating you and the resentment is building. I told her i need some time to figure out what it is that i want, how i can feel like i'm not wasting my life. i don't want to take it all back if it's going to continue to eat at me.
evad1 Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 So, lately, i've been feeling trapped and like i'm a mouse on a wheel. I met my SO 6 years ago, and we hit it off well. There are ways we don't mesh, like our sex drives are pretty different, and our work schedules leave us with little time together. Despite that, we get along very well and sort through issues pretty intelligently. Also she has some health issues and depression, and is a heavy smoker. These are things that i've talked to her about getting help for, but she seems to rarely have the energy to address them due to her stress about her immigration situation. However, lately she's been leaning on me more and more for emotional support and it's draining me. Also, her immigration situation is causing friction because it severely limits what we can do in terms of travel. I've been feeling more and more like we're sacrificing years of our lives for her to fix her immigration status, rather than just moving to a different country. She has family here, so i understand that she wants to sort things out here, but it's still very difficult to make this sacrifice with her. So, tonight, this all came out. I told her i need some time to figure out what it is that i want, how i can feel like i'm not wasting my life. She was understandably very upset, and told me repeatedly that she'd never had doubts about loving me and that i need to tell her if i have doubts about loving her. The thing is, i do love her, and it killed me to see her so upset and betrayed, but i don't want to take it all back if it's going to continue to eat at me. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I'm at a loss. On the one hand i want to tell her i'm sure about her and it's all going to be ok, but on the other hand i don't want to lie to myself just to stop her current misery. Thank you for reading. I'm sorry. Did you tell her everything you told us or did you just tell her need some room to breath. You want to move with her? You should stand firm on this if she isn't willing to meet you halfway on these issue then why continue? You're both in pain and it's not fair that's she isn't thinking about you in this situation. It's not just about love. Sometimes you have to do what's best for yourself.
evad1 Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 Not to make her seem selfish but I went through a period of depression. I knew I had to get it together because my family can't wait around while I sort this out. She shouldn't be wasting her life away standing on the fence. Sadly, sometimes you have to lose something important to realize you need to do something different.
howtolifeta Posted February 14, 2017 Author Posted February 14, 2017 Create some healthy boundaries and help her understand when she's being too needy and codependent. This is a good idea, maybe i should work on this. I feel like one of my problems is i always want to be "the good person" and denying my own discomfort, but if i keep letting her lean on me why would she want to stop? Thank you.
howtolifeta Posted February 14, 2017 Author Posted February 14, 2017 Is there a way to help her with her immigration status and put it as a top priority? Seems to be a stressor leading to other problems in the relationship. Unfortunately i'm not a citizen of this country so there's nothing i can do to help her with it. She sees my country as a goal if she fixes her status here, or as a safety net if it doesn't work out.
howtolifeta Posted February 14, 2017 Author Posted February 14, 2017 I'm sorry. Did you tell her everything you told us or did you just tell her need some room to breath. You want to move with her? You should stand firm on this if she isn't willing to meet you halfway on these issue then why continue? You're both in pain and it's not fair that's she isn't thinking about you in this situation. It's not just about love. Sometimes you have to do what's best for yourself. I told her everything that i mentioned in the post. About a year ago we were all ready to move to the UK together and start fresh. She'd start a career she likes, and i'd figure something out there. Then the Brexit referendum was announced and she got scared, so we called it off. I understand that she wants to fix her status here because she has close family already living here, and elderly parents moving here. I just feel really uncomfortable with the whole situation. Part of me thinks i could compromise and make things work. I'm not crushed by the situation, just apathetic and full of ennui. I'm sure i could make other changes in my life to perk it up, and maybe it's not easy finding someone you mesh with so well. But then another part of me thinks that maybe i compromise too much, and maybe i should... I don't know, do something about it. Be proactive in life.
evad1 Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 I told her everything that i mentioned in the post. About a year ago we were all ready to move to the UK together and start fresh. She'd start a career she likes, and i'd figure something out there. Then the Brexit referendum was announced and she got scared, so we called it off. I understand that she wants to fix her status here because she has close family already living here, and elderly parents moving here. I just feel really uncomfortable with the whole situation. Part of me thinks i could compromise and make things work. I'm not crushed by the situation, just apathetic and full of ennui. I'm sure i could make other changes in my life to perk it up, and maybe it's not easy finding someone you mesh with so well. But then another part of me thinks that maybe i compromise too much, and maybe i should... I don't know, do something about it. Be proactive in life. Exactly!!!! you have to be proactive. I don't want to comment on what you can do more of, and what she could because only you guys know that information. But from what you've posted here you sound like a very level headed person. Your girlfriend may just be acting off emotions(which is understandable). You guys need to have a serious discussion. Hopefully she won't get emotional but she needs to understand that your situation right now isn't working. As two grown adults, I feel like you guys can do it. Have a calm discussion on making plans for the future and what you each can do differently. From there you guys should actively working on your goals.
evad1 Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 I wanted to also say I wish her the best of luck with her status and finding a solution. I hate that the only thing people worry about when it comes to immigrants, are jobs being taken. I believe there doesn't have to be chaos in order for us to move forward.
howtolifeta Posted February 14, 2017 Author Posted February 14, 2017 I wanted to also say I wish her the best of luck with her status and finding a solution. I hate that the only thing people worry about when it comes to immigrants, are jobs being taken. I believe there doesn't have to be chaos in order for us to move forward. That's really nice of you, thanks!
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