Poppypopz Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 I met this guy whilst I was still in my previous relationship and we just clicked instantly. We secretly seeing/sleeping together for 3 months at which point he told me he was in love me, the day after I went ahead and ended it with my bf. It's now been two weeks since the breakup and now the other guy has started acting strangely. He ignored my messages and when I rang basically told me that his friends aren't happy for him, saying that if I cheated on my bf for him I might do the same thing again. Obviously I know what I did was wrong but in the end I did end it and didn't really know what else I could say. I also thought that the friends thing was abit weird to make you suddenly change your mind but had obviously effected him because he started crying. I left it a couple of days and sent him a nice message telling him my feelings for him and he messaged me back saying he's sorry he's acting like this but he's just scared and hasn't been in the mood to talk. In my previous text I also asked if I could come and see him on Wednesday and he just said don't feel like you have to (I'd have to travel from uni plus I'm back for a reading week on the Friday anyway), I replied saying I'd like to come and see you then if that's okay and he just never replied.... I just don't understand why he's pushing me away like this.
yatsue Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 What did you think, that there would be no consequences for your actions? This is the result of your cheating ways and I don't blame him for getting distant even though he was a willing participant. It is quite normal for a partner to question your morals if they know first hand about your infidelity. You will realize sooner or later that you have hurt a person unnecessarily and people will judge you for that. Did you tell your ex boyfriend the truth?
Sportster2005 Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 I understand why, and he told you very explicitly why. Since you cheated with him, he fears you'll cheat on him. Why would he believe you won't cheat. You've demonstrated you will cheat. He enjoyed the sex, but doesn't want to date someone who cheats. That would be my guess. There's an old expression, "If you date a cheater, you're just a placeholder". Not passing judgment, but most people stay away from cheaters. For practical, and for some, moral reasons, or both.
RainyCoast Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 you've got a mess here, i can't follow. the title says your ex is the one avoiding you. could you please clarify which guy has been neglecting your calls/messages and is discussing his concerns about you with his friends? because if it's the ex, it's easy, just stop contact with him. if it's the new guy -you can't blame his friends for "changing his mind". they're not putting things in his head uninvited. he had concerns about the relationship, talked to them about it, and after getting outside perspective is rightfully concerned that if a person has no issue cheating with him, they might not have an issue cheating on him. - he is saying he would rather not see you now, and it's understandable. - he might decide it's been unhealthy from the starts and he's uncomfortable with that, and end it. nothing left but to accept it then. -you chose your course of action. every choice is a package deal with it's consequences. if you don't want to be dumped for questionable loyalty, don't make your relationships cheating acts on your partners. you don't have to beat yourself up about it, but there's really nothing to do but accept the unsurprising consequence, write it down to experience and learning. of course he's pushing you away. he realized what disloyalty means, and he realized he wants no part of it.
Wiseman2 Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he was playing with you to see if he could get you to leave someone. Once his mission was accomplished, he dumped you. If he were so concerned about cheating, he wouldn't have carried on for 3 mos, no? told me that his friends aren't happy for him, saying that if I cheated on my bf for him I might do the same thing again. he's sorry he's acting like this but he's just scared and hasn't been in the mood to talk. I just don't understand why he's pushing me away like this.
j.man Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 He ignored my messages and when I rang basically told me that his friends aren't happy for him, saying that if I cheated on my bf for him I might do the same thing again. I just don't understand why he's pushing me away like this.Really? The level of ego in assuming a guy you cheated with would put you on so high a pedestal that he'd ignore the very common sense reality that you could and likely would treat him just the same as you did your ex is amazing. He doesn't trust you and, if he's smart, probably never will. Take some time off and, when you're emotionally ready, start fresh with someone else.
radiance Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 I agree. I know it sounds harsh but this guy is right not to trust you - after all, he's already seen the way you treat your boyfriends. It sounds like you both rushed into this without considering the long term plans. I hope it works out for you both, one way or another.
CSM101 Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 Alright. Say you were in his position. A side chick. Wouldn't you act the same way? Come on, sis.
lostandhurt Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 So you were cheating on your bf with this guy, sneaking around and having sex when ever you could. It was exciting and a little dangerous but there was no commitment because you had a bf. Then you end things with your bf so you could be a real couple and not hide anymore and all of a sudden he starts backing away. He liked the sex and no commitment but now he is taking a second look at you as a possible gf and frankly he doesn't see gf material in you. He wants a gf that isn't a cheater and someone he can trust which is not you in his eyes. This is a hard lesson to learn but it needed to be. Leave this guy alone, reflect on why you thought it was okay to cheat on a guy you cared about so you do not repeat this selfishness again. Lost
Wiseman2 Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 Agree...that's the bottom like. frankly he doesn't see gf material in you.
happyfrank Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 You ruined it for him. He could of loved being the other guy and the taboo of it being wrong. He is crushed and that's why he no longer wants to be with you. He needs a girl that's in a relationship.
Betterwithout Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 OP, cheating is very damaging as you have now learned. No one wants this to happen to them. IMO, your new BF has some good friends who gave him good advice... "Once a cheater, always a cheater." What makes your new boyfriend immune to being cheated on by you?
MissCanuck Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 This is one of the many risks you take when you cheat. It was all fun and exciting when he owed you nothing. Now that you're available, he's not interested. You showed him you're not exactly a candidate for a good girlfriend and he knew this while you two were having your affair. But he didn't want something more, when push came to shove. You obviously needed to end your relationship anyway, but let this be lesson. Don't assume that someone who sleeps with you on the side will want you full-time. He doesn't.
Krankor Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 So you were cheating on your bf with this guy, sneaking around and having sex when ever you could. It was exciting and a little dangerous but there was no commitment because you had a bf. Then you end things with your bf so you could be a real couple and not hide anymore and all of a sudden he starts backing away. He liked the sex and no commitment but now he is taking a second look at you as a possible gf and frankly he doesn't see gf material in you. He wants a gf that isn't a cheater and someone he can trust which is not you in his eyes. This is a hard lesson to learn but it needed to be. Leave this guy alone, reflect on why you thought it was okay to cheat on a guy you cared about so you do not repeat this selfishness again. Lost Absolutely nailed it. OP; the above post is required reading. I do think you need a nice little time out from relationships. However, I also believe that it's probably not realistic to think that you'll follow that advice. So if you hear from him again your only real chance here is to try to reassure him that he can trust you, that what happened with your last boyfriend was an anomaly, that it's not really you, that you feel bad about it, that it's a new day with him and he has nothing to worry about. Of course, this would all be more convincing if it were true... And it won't matter if the thrill is gone now that he's not the other guy...
Hollyj Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 Pretty sleazy to be sleeping with this dude, while with the other guy. Next time, be a better person,, and end things before you start something with another!
Dahl Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 Hello, Poppy, and welcome to the forum. I don't think you'll be able to figure out why this chap is behaving the way he currently is - and I strongly suggest that you don't waste any more of your time or energy on him trying. What's done is done, you're remorseful for the way the situation unfolded and from this point on, I think the smartest and healthiest things you can do are to focus on yourself, your choices, your needs and goals for the present and future. Whatever his reasons, this guy does not appear to be interested in or able to continue along your path with you - and I submit that this is a good development, all things considered. I realize that can only come across as cold comfort, at best, and I wish I had something more substantial to share. But please consider that whatever else this guy is now doing, he is most likely showing you his true nature, and it isn't a becoming or particularly admirable one. He's scarcely in a position to chastise or condemn you and his sudden brush with pious concern over your moral fortitude, alone, is awfully ill-timed. Ultimately, he's not acting in your interests, whatsoever, nor fairly or reasonably, nor is he offering the faintest support to you, or even the slightest inclination to understand or communicate with you. Instead, he appears to only be citing an inflexible, abrupt aversion to the very behavior that he actively, knowingly and enthusiastically endeavored in with you as his sanctimonious cause for turning away from you - again, as a result of the same circumstances he not only conspired in with you, but thoroughly engaged in beside you right up to the last. Whatever his thinking, I can't imagine it is sound enough to warrant your continued fretting over it, or him, when it sees him turn his coat against you and toss you unceremoniously under the bus, no explanation, only eleventh-hour, unmitigated judgement (crowd-sourced amidst his friends, to boot, yet with no mention of his own culpability in these circumstances, nor what they, his friends, or most importantly he, has to say to his personal accountability). As best you can, I would tear your thoughts and focus from this fellow and apply them solely to yourself and moving forward in as many positive, productive means as you can during what is already an unpleasant and chaotic time. You need your energy and effort to heal yourself and better your outlook. He does not merit any more of your attention, conclusively; not to consume your thinking, invite your longing, or even as a target of your disappointment or more, insomuch as you can help it. Good luck to you, Poppy. Here's to brighter days, soon.
annie24 Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 You ruined it for him. He could of loved being the other guy and the taboo of it being wrong. He is crushed and that's why he no longer wants to be with you. He needs a girl that's in a relationship. I agree I think he liked being the part time guy.
Clio Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 Sounds like he didn't really want a relationship, hence he chose you instead of a single girl. Once you became single he backed away as he has seen first hand what you are capable of and doesn't want to end up in your ex's shoes. Noone in their right mind would.
boltnrun Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 One of my friends was married and having an affair with a man who was also married. He just would NOT leave his wife for her, had one excuse after another. Then one day he finally DID leave his wife. And what did he do? He started dating another woman (not my friend)! He told her that he didn't want a relationship with a woman who would carry on an affair! So this guy probably has you pigeon-holed as the type of woman who lies and cheats. Because, well, you DID. And he doesn't want a liar and a cheater as a girlfriend. Plus, all his friends probably know what you did and they're telling him he should aim higher. Lesson learned. And please do not try to get your ex who you dumped to come back to you. You may be feeling hurt and lonely, but please don't think about doing that to the poor guy.
JaggerJim Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 He isn't Mr Innocent, so don't let him put that guilt trip on you. I think what happened was he was happy to be your bit on the side, but when you dumped your boyfriend he got scared, scared you may want a relationship with him. So he's coming up with his "friends" excuses, which I find totally bogus. Like they would even care!
SeptemberSylv Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 I'd have to disagree OK, so you cheated on your boyfriend with this guy Now he's saying he can't trust you because you might cheat on him Let's just suppose, however, you were cheating on your boyfriend because, somewhere deep inside, you know this current guy is actually a better match for you. Your feelings for him are stronger than the feelings you ever had with your other boyfriend. If this is truly the case, I suggest you send a love letter to him explaining the reasons you have done what you have done. I can't guarantee a satisfactory outcome but it is probably your best bet. If you're young you may not be fully 'self-aware' of your feelings and I suppose this guy makes you feel something the other guy didn't...
abitbroken Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 I'd have to disagree OK, so you cheated on your boyfriend with this guy Now he's saying he can't trust you because you might cheat on him Let's just suppose, however, you were cheating on your boyfriend because, somewhere deep inside, you know this current guy is actually a better match for you. Your feelings for him are stronger than the feelings you ever had with your other boyfriend. If this is truly the case, I suggest you send a love letter to him explaining the reasons you have done what you have done. I can't guarantee a satisfactory outcome but it is probably your best bet. If you're young you may not be fully 'self-aware' of your feelings and I suppose this guy makes you feel something the other guy didn't... Oh boy. If she truly felt this guy was a better match, she would not have slept with him and she would have broken up with her boyfriend before she did. A love letter won't cut it. And never tell someone after you did something horrible that you just weren't "self aware.: I honestly think the "i don't trust a cheater" thing is a ruse. I believe this guy just desires unavailable woman. You were a challenge and very attractive to him while you were with someone else, but now that you can have a relationship out in the open with him, he's not interested. He might move on to the next unavailable woman - someone that lives 10 hours away or someone else who isn't serious. So sorry, but cheating never ends well. I suggest you end things with your affair partner and be by yourself for awhile instead of jumping from guy to guy. Be completely single for a year - no sex, no dates.
lostandhurt Posted February 17, 2017 Posted February 17, 2017 I bet if you offered him a FWB thing he would jump on it in a second. For this guy there are women he will bang and then there are women he will have a proper relationship with. Now you know where you fall on his scale. Don't feel to bad as he is no prize either... Lost
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