lillorenzo23 Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 I've posted on here quite a bit, but a quick background. My 2 year relationship ended in November. Its been around 50 days total of NC and just under 3 months post-breakup. I've been taking all of the right steps to heal from the loss, including therapy which has helped tremendously. About a month ago I started to feel better about the situation, and decided to start talking to new people. I made a few friends that didn't turn into anything more than that, but there was one person that I kind-of hit it off with. We started spending a decent amount of time together, and really enjoy each other's company. I started to feel really good about it. I'm not sure what is going on within the last few days, but I now feel like I'm not ready to date anybody and feel like I miss my ex. The new guy made a move to get intimate, and I went with it. I was really into it the first time it happened. However, he spent the night this weekend, and when we woke up all I could think about is my ex. I'm not sure if it's because Valentine's day and his birthday are all within the next week, or what's going on in my mind. I really don't want to miss out on this opportunity with the new guy because he is awesome, but I'm not sure what to do because I feel like I'm going backwards right now and I was doing so well. Has anybody been in a situation like this? Any advice? Thank you!
Michele32 Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 Hi- I'm going through the exact same thing. Broke up in November. Tried dating a couple guys. It sounds like you're not emotionally ready just like me. I'm learning that while dating is fun and a great distraction, it's not fair to either party. I say- if you can have fun and have things be easy then go with it. But the priority needs to be on you right now. Sounds like you still need to finish the grieving process.
empath Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 I think this is precisely why people worry about rebound relationships! However, clearly you have feelings for this new guy, too, even if they're not yet where they were with the ex. So I don't think that it necessarily means you cannot date him. If it were I, I would just try to be honest with him -- honest enough at least that he has a sense that you need to take it slow (and in general, I think it's important to try to be honest with this stuff at the beginning -- I know that scaring someone off is a possibility, so maybe a tempered version...). If that's what you need, which I'm guessing you do. It's up to you to decide whether you should be in the new relationship, but I would keep in mind that, yes, I think the yo-yoing is normal for most people (it would be for me), and that you will spring back up, at least some, at some point. Many relationships have begun where at least one partner still had someone else on his mind, at least a little, but they managed to flourish over time. If both parties are willing to be a little patient, it can still work. But that is, of course, something you and he have to decide...
lillorenzo23 Posted February 13, 2017 Author Posted February 13, 2017 I think this is precisely why people worry about rebound relationships! However, clearly you have feelings for this new guy, too, even if they're not yet where they were with the ex. So I don't think that it necessarily means you cannot date him. If it were I, I would just try to be honest with him -- honest enough at least that he has a sense that you need to take it slow (and in general, I think it's important to try to be honest with this stuff at the beginning -- I know that scaring someone off is a possibility, so maybe a tempered version...). If that's what you need, which I'm guessing you do. It's up to you to decide whether you should be in the new relationship, but I would keep in mind that, yes, I think the yo-yoing is normal for most people (it would be for me), and that you will spring back up, at least some, at some point. Many relationships have begun where at least one partner still had someone else on his mind, at least a little, but they managed to flourish over time. If both parties are willing to be a little patient, it can still work. But that is, of course, something you and he have to decide... Thank you! Yeah, I want to be 100% honest. Yesterday him and I talked for a few hours about it, and he was really supportive and understanding. We both agreed that we need to hold off on the intimate side of things and continue our relationship as friends to build off of that and give ourselves the right amount of time. I just want to be able to move on in a healthy manner before making that commitment to somebody because I want my next relationship to be one that has more potential of lasting. My ex was in a similar stage when we met, and the end result was terrible. Honestly, the downfall of my last relationship was because we moved too quickly after his previous relationship ended. It caused nothing but problems, and that's not something I want to put somebody else through.
empath Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 That sounds very healthy of you! I hope you can still have him in your life if that's something good for both of you -- and it would hardly be the first time in history if you guys ended up reconnecting romantically with some time (a couple months, longer, whatever). I do think the broader question is an interesting one, because in this new world, many more of us date for much more of our lives than used to be the case... this means, as a generalization, that most of us will have more exes in our lives, more recent relationships and so on. This in turn means that it may be too much to ask that each of us (ask others or ourselves) have no thoughts or feelings whatsoever about exes. Of course, it's different in the searing pain right after a breakup; but most of us don't want, sometimes are even repelled, by the thought of being with others during that time. There's a vast middle ground, though, where it seems to me you are currently residing – not near ground zero any longer, but with lingering feelings (at times very strong)... and that's harder to generalize about, I think. When is enough time? And, of course, having a new person in our lives can help us move on from feeling strongly about the ex. It sounds like you made a great decision for you, especially in talking about it openly... I'm just musing about the issue generally!
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