Break up or stay? Im torn...

[Ree137]

Im new to these things and i know no one can make my decision for me but i thought id throw the ball out and see what came back from people with an open mind?

 

Ive been with my partner for the best part of 9 years and we have a 19 month old daughter together...Now going back to when we first met his mother never took a real liking to me, she went around saying i couldnt keep my legs shut and that id be pregnant by the time i was 15 (i was 13 when i got with him) and even went as far to say to my dads face that "i was like a prostitute and had had more boyfriends than he realised" which was simply not true...it hurt but i stayed with him as he always told me i was perfect for him and he knew me better than anyone else etc. Fast forward to me getting pregnant (and id just like to note that the time i got pregnant was when i lost my virginity to him) it started to get a bit rocky there as we both werent expecting it as we used contraception so it was very out of the blue plus i was already 3 months when i found out...we got engaged but i think it was more of a "i have to now" on his part as he never seemed remotely interested, my engagement literally was "heres a ring i hope it fits"....my familys reaction to my pregnancy was the usual do you want to do this then they were thrilled, his family however were all about "you shouldve used contraception (which we did) you shouldnt have been so careless, youre far too young" and last but not least (as my partner was doing an apprenticeship) his nan said to my face and again recently "i dont want you to stand in his way and stop him from completing his course and not getting qualified as i want him to get on with his life and if he choses to leave you ill stand by him" -his mum also said the same thing- and thats when the issues started as theyll say stuff like this but he wont defend me at all...on the day of his grandads funeral his nans brother called me a benefit scrounger for recieveing child benefit? And told me to get a job and stop being so lazy even though i was at college at the time training to be a beauty therapist? Honestly it resorted me to tears as it made me realise how little his family think of me and in the long run whose going to stop them from talking to my daughter about me like that? We've started to have more and more arguments as he sees his family through rose tinted glasses even though hes been there when theyve said this stuff to me. I understand that thats his family but surely as his partner and mother of his child i count too? But whenever i talk to him about this he always says my family is the problem not his when my family adore him! My grandad requested him to carry his coffin first before he asked his own son!

I refuse to go to his nans or mums house purely for the way they make me feel and i wont let him go alone with our daughter through fear of what theyll say and i know he wont do anything about it...they all drive yet none of them will come and visit and stayed for an hour at her 1st birthday party not socialising even when people tried talking to them, they turned up late and left before we did the cake.....

But heres where it gets worse, since my daughter ive had no sex drive, i was diagnosed with post partum depression and even now down the line i still dont feel like having sex with him at all....i dont even look at him and think wow! Anymore, i had sex with him for the sake of it but didnt feel anything at all and kept thinking of other people or what i was going to do the next day (fyi id never cheat) and then i had a miscarriage on the implant so ive resorted back to not having sex. Over the past few months i cant say theres a time when an argument hasnt been started over something petty or when he hasnt snapped for no reason at me...our relationship is very distant from each other, ive tried talking it out but he makes no effort with either our relationship or help round the house/with our daughter..ill ask him to do things and he'll take his time doing it or blank me and not do it at all...just when i think it gets better it goes downhill again...

 

 

Im torn because i dont want to take my daughter away from her dad (even though hes said he wont see her if we split) i love him but often i despise him and everything he does irritates me...i think when i had our daughter we both changed and became different people, almost like polar opposites? But even though i see us having a future, getting married and having more children i also think about ending it with him and moving on with my life but im also not ready to give up on a 9 year relationship...

 

If this doesnt make sense i apologise, ive never written anything like this before and its hard to write a relationship out so people get the full picture 😂 any advise would be helpful tbh

[RainyCoast]

so now you are how old? where do you live and do you live together? like, with your parents, or did they help you get a place together?

 

i think you need to think of yourself as a single mum. he has no issue walking away from the baby, he has no incentive to act like a couple or a family.

[Ree137]

so now you are how old? where do you live and do you live together? like, with your parents, or did they help you get a place together?

 

i think you need to think of yourself as a single mum. he has no issue walking away from the baby, he has no incentive to act like a couple or a family.

 

We got a place together, we've lived together for 3 years and im 22...tbh im leaning more towards that being the solution

[RainyCoast]

is he paying the bills (assuming because you mention child benefits you're not currently working)? i would consider any leverage he may have to behave like this, like financial inequity.

 

if you are hesitant, would he at least see a family counselor with you? i doubt that it would do much other than prolong the process of separating, but sometimes we can't separate until we know we've used up other alternatives.

 

his family dynamic sounds tremendously unhealthy, i have a hard time believing someone with those learned patterns of family relating can co-create a healthy family life without perhaps years of help.

[Wiseman2]

Take care of yourself and your daughter. Ignore his family but let them see their granddaughter. Stop having babies with him. Get the medical help you need and the support from your family/relatives and whatever welfare you qualify for.

 

Go back to school. Do not just sit home and have babies. Go to work, ask your family and friends to babysit. You need to be more independent.

 

The real problem is between you and him, not his family. He won't support you emotionally or his child financially (why is she on welfare?). Also you decided to continue with him live together and have a child after his family supposedly called you a gold digger using pregnancy to entrap him.

We've started to have more and more arguments as he sees his family through rose tinted glasses even though hes been there when theyve said this stuff to me. But whenever i talk to him about this he always says my family is the problem not his. since my daughter ive had no sex drive, i was diagnosed with post partum depression. i love him but often i despise him and everything he does irritates me.