Long Distance/He Dumped Me. Advice?

[bullsfanjulia]

This is a little long I'm sorry. I was in a long distance relationship for about 10 months with the person I truly felt like was my soul mate, and my best friend. We had such a strong, instant connection and it was something I never get before and something he said he never felt before either. I live in Chicago and he lives about 12 hours away in PA. He came to visit me first and then I went to PA to visit him about 3 months later. He took me to all of these really personal places with a lot of emotion attached for him and I thought it was really special, and while I was there he told me he loved me for the first time. He kept telling me for the next 6 months how badly he wanted to move to be with me. Then he started working more in PA which i assumed was so he could move to be with me and starting getting more stressed out. Never once did I feel like I was putting unnecessary pressure on him, and he told me the same - but he did say he felt like a lot of pressure was on him. I felt like things started to get a little strained and we didn't get to talk on the phone as much as we used to but he still always made me feel very loved and secure. Never once did I feel doubts in our relationship. Then he started to tell me that he had a very strained relationship with his family that he wanted to work on before he moved, which i understood. He told me he started seeing a therapist and i was really happy for him to take that step, as he was always very stubborn and would never get help for anything.

 

One day I was blindsided by him when he called me and told me he got a better job in a different part of PA, meaning he had to move to that part of PA, and that there's no way he could come to Chicago and that he couldn't do the long distance anymore as it was draining him emotionally. I was shocked because it was completely out of the blue. He told me as he was hanging up the phone that he loved me, and I said it back.

 

Later that day I texted him and begged him to reconsider out of desperation and he told me that I was making hard and that it was hard enough already. He told me that he does love me but the reality of his life is this. I was so completely heartbroken I sent him one really long message and he never replied. I unfollowed him on everything but he still follows me which is one thing I'm confused about.

 

Another thing: Iphones have "read receipts" which let you know when someone read your message. When I sent him the long message it just said "delivered" with imessage you can also receive and send texts from your laptop. So when i sent him the final message it said "delivered" so i figured he just read it on his laptop. However i went back to read the messages today and i saw that he read my message on 2/7/17 - one month after i sent it. Does anyone know what that could mean? In my head, he was reading the messages because me missed me and regretted what happened, but i know that's just a silly thought of me to have. If he missed me he'd already have come back right?

 

I just can't stop thinking all kinds of different things. Like was our entire relationship a lie? If he really does love me, will he come back once he's figured his life out a little more? I really really love him with my entire heart. I'm 20 and he's 22. We broke up one month ago. Any kind of advice on my situation is very much appreciated.

[gebaird]

It feels to me like thought the relationship was no longer worth the cost it took to maintain it. Perhaps he liked the idea of moving to Chicago in the beginning, but as it became more real he was unwilling to pull the trigger. At 10 months the initial "falling in love" excitement tends to fade, and that also could have affected his decision. It seems like he was just making excuses in the end, stringing you along. He may have met someone else (online or in real life) who didn't require as much "work" or put as much "pressure" on him.

 

My guess is that he'll come back 3 or 6 months from now, possibly because his new relationship has failed and he wants to go another round with you. I'd block him and think twice before responding to any messages from him. If he wanted you, he'd be with you. If he missed you, he'd reach out. Since neither of those things has happened, you can only assume that his interest has waned or he's distracted by someone else. It's better to make a clean break than to play on again/off again games.

 

It's hard not to take rejection personally, but it's important to recognize that his issues got in the way of this relationship -- not yours. You were committed and flexible and willing to make it work. He tossed you out like an old newspaper. I feel sorry for anyone who would treat another human being that way, whatever his justification.

 

You seem like a very loyal and loving person. Try dating local and see if you can find someone who doesn't have to move to be with you. LDRs are really hard, as you've discovered.

[angrythoughts]

""Another thing: Iphones have "read receipts" which let you know when someone read your message. When I sent him the long message it just said "delivered" with imessage you can also receive and send texts from your laptop. So when i sent him the final message it said "delivered" so i figured he just read it on his laptop. However i went back to read the messages today and i saw that he read my message on 2/7/17 - one month after i sent it. Does anyone know what that could mean? In my head, he was reading the messages because me missed me and regretted what happened, but i know that's just a silly thought of me to have. If he missed me he'd already have come back right? ""

 

It just means he decided to read the message. You shouldn't be checking up on stuff like that. I know it's difficult to do at this point, but I'd say delete the messages. If you can't do that then just don't view them. You can't look at stuff like that... it'll drive you crazy.

 

Will he come back?

It's hard to say because you guys don't live near each other. It wouldn't make sense to rekindle something with someone who lives hours away. It's too hard to maintain a LDR, which is why he ended it in the first place. If you guys end up moving closer to one another where you can see each other more then yeah... there's hope. Otherwise, you should start spending more time with people who live locally.

[zeino]

I don't think your relationship has been a lie entirely and I don't think this person was set to use you or something like that on purpose. At the same time, I don't think he is at a stage in his life where he can transform feelings - like feeling emotionally close to someone or whatever led him to take you to those emotionally important locations- to solid, coherent and sustainable action that make a relationship exist and continue in a satisfactory way for both people. Sharing feelings on the internet - my last relationship was LDR, too- is certainly easier than doing something solid about this closeness - which one of the partners may require sooner or later. In our case, I felt empowered and equipped enough to make real what we talked about and agreed with in the beginning, my BF was not - and unfortunately, told this to me only indirectly, by changing our agreed goal posts in a way that shook his credibility in my eyes.

 

I mean, we are adults and the adult world of responsibilities may not fit our scheduling all the time. But empowered adults can create alternative plans and present them in a way that doesn't shake the grounds for emotional safety. I think with individuals who are not empowered or clear about themselves, there comes a point where one partner seeks clarity (this was me) and the other one fails to provide it but also feels pressured (this was my partner.) In reality, I was better at dealing with changes and had lesser expectations of commitment than him but I wanted to know what was going on to decide whether I really would like to commit or not and share this honestly. He didn't want to lose my commitment but at the same time introduced new and mysterious things - together with contradcting explanations- that delayed (I believe) our plan to come together. I even said to him that maybe we were attracted to each other strongly in the beginning and this made us agree to things to quickly and we could change those now as well, no problem. But he couldn't accept this, either. He was someone from a terribly toxic family of controlling parents and I think he has been more affected by it than I initially thought. He too started therapy but I know that it's better to leave him alone in this journey and there will be many issues he needs to resolve before coming to his relationships with women.

 

I think it's only fair for you to start focusing on your own wound and working on your healing now. Maybe he didn't lie to you but did not feel empowered when he was saying many things to you or making plans with you, and maybe he prefers other things when he feels fully liberated - through therapy. He needs to find out what he really wants, and anything less than this will not give you the happiness you deserve - because maybe he will both say yes to your wants but also resent you. This will be very unfair to you. I would not see therapy as the road to a solution of relationship problems. If he comes back to you, he does. But then it must be you who has found your individual boundaries, expectations and examine the situation very carefully to see if he can really satisfy your needs. At the moment it may feel like the most important thing is that he comes back. But no. The important thing is that if he comes back, he needs to be at a truly empowered, mature state so that you don't go through this sort of thing anymore (and promises are not enough.)

 

You are a young person. You sound in-charge and resilient, with a good capacity to make your wants real. Focus on yourself, and on understanding what made you come to this unexpected point in your relationship. And please have faith that it is possible to find safe and secure love that doesn't give you the feelings you are experiencing after this relationship. You have a beautiful future ahead, and it works if you treat yoursef well and don't settle.