Is there a typical Grieving timeline?

[Tombo7891]

I know everybody goes through their own process after a breakup. I was just wondering if anybody had a common periods of getting over it. I'm currently 3 months out of a 2.5 year relationship and am still thinking about her all day everyday. I compare everything that I do on a daily basis to when we use to do those things together, and still can't sleep because the second my eyes open in the middle of the night I get a pit in my stomach and my mind starts racing right away. I'm trying to stay busy with activities and staying active but to no avail. This is obviously just part of the healing process but as its my first time losing someone I love I'm having a difficult time.

[Wiseman2]

Sounds normal. Give it 6 mos. Also start to browse dating apps to see who's out there. If and when you are ready, start messaging women ans meeting for coffee.

[Tombo7891]

Ya I have been on a few dates but it still just does't seem right. I think of my ex the whole time I'm on them and just compare the girls im out with to the ex. I don;t know if talking to the girls on the apps is helping me or just masking the fact that I feel so lonely. Are these feelings and emotions that I need to go through to heal?

[angrythoughts]

No. For me, each break up had a different time for me to move on. For others I've seen them move on from a few months to pining 4 years post break up. My friend is still not over her bf 4 years later. It's all about what you do in that time to move on.

 

Outta sight outta mind.

[Viceroy]

Three months is still fairly recent, what you're going through is pretty normal. A lot of it depends on what you do after too, if you've completely cut contact things will be easier on you in the long run. For some prospective, I was in a three year relationship and was dumped. It took about 7 months to get to a point where it doesn't bother me anymore.

 

From time to time I still think of her, I recognize that the relationship is long gone. It helps to make new friends and when you're ready, seek out someone new. It's actually amazing when you meet someone new because you'll realize that you're a clean book! You can write your own story (so to speak). Good luck!

[hooter]

Hate to admit it but I'm 15 months in, and still hurting. Though I have to admit, for certain reasons, I refused to accept the breakup and move on for 10 months, I was literally in emotional/delusional limbo, especially because she was giving me no hope, not even bread crumbs. But I refused to believe her feelings could just disappear like that. Then after 10 months we finally saw each other again, I was sure the feelings would flood back for her, but it was obvious they hadn't. I then knew she was gone for good and it was really 'over'. Waiting that 10 months was a huge error, and the reality of her having moved on long before that was a huge kick in the gut. But because of that, I would say it has been 5 months for me now, starting from when I accepted that it was 'over.' So I'm 15 months in, but 5 from an emotional standpoint. Still should be over it after 5 months but not.

 

Every case is different, but I will say, take the advice on here: break contact (I didn't, would reach out every 4-6 weeks), break all social media (if you haven't yet), lose all the photos, etc...and move on. I wish I had. It's ridiculous for me to be where I am after 15 months apart (and the last 5 DEFINITELY broken up). I've lost a year of my life, my health has suffered, and the waiting was all for nothing.

[mbee]

There is no set timeline.

 

First serious relationship of 2 years - Took me 2 weeks till I started dating again. I had 2 rebounds which was not healthy but honestly I felt completely over my ex after 3 months. He dumped me but it felt like I was the dumper in the end as he chased for another chance for 3-4 years.

 

Second serious relationship of 2 years - This was a toxic relationship that ended in cheating. This is what drove me to ENA. I was not fully over it for 1.5 years after breakup but much of that had to do with the cheating. I did NOT want my ex back again around the 8-9 month mark but I did love him still, just knew I was over the relationship and accepted we would never be together again.

 

Just had a short term relationship of 5 months end 3 weeks ago. I now know not to repeat my mistakes and immediately went no contact. Hurts but I think this one I'll always have the door open for sadly. There's more of the "what if?" factor.

 

Either way, breakups take time. Give it as much time as you need. There is no set timeline, just keep moving forward and taking care of you.

[catfeeder]

You get to have a say in this: it's a decision. I've always found it helpful to make it my private goal to surprise everyone, including myself, with my resilience and ability to bounce back. That requires a lot of faking along the way, but when I reinvested in family and friends who I'd neglected and focused on making this time about them, not me, I ended up feeling valued and rewarded for my efforts.

 

Rumination will only dig you a deeper hole to climb out of, have you noticed? When I make a point of teaching those around me to not worry about me, and I invest the effort to run errands with them, do home projects with them, help prep meals or treat them to meals, I push past my self indulgence and end up grateful for the progress this helps me make.

 

Emotions follow behavior, not the other way around. If I waited until I 'felt like' doing these things, I'd still be in my bed and a mess. I found it easier to step up for loved ones when I set my bar low--all I need to do is show up, on time, smiling and being kind. They can drive the rest, and this made me into a terrific listener.

 

Giving others the gift of great memories during a time when I couldn't enjoy much, myself, saved me from prolonging my grief. The continual exposure to 'normal' living normalized me, and the ex became less and less relevant as I became more healthy.

 

Healing is all about what you're willing to put into it. If you choose to marinate in your grief, you'll keep yourself stuck in it. If you choose instead to push yourself out of your own head for other people, you'll thank yourself very soon.

 

Head high.

[parrot]

^^^ What catfeeder said.

 

I also want to add, that when my pain was pretty fresh and I had no desire to go out and do these types of things, most of the time I forced myself to do them anyway. At the time I felt miserable inside, but when I look back on those times now I only remember the enjoyment I felt, even if that was relatively small at the time. For instance, my mother had just broken her ankle a few days before my breakup and she needed a lot of help to do just about anything. After sitting at home for several weeks she really wanted to go to the mall (shopping malls made me feel super depressed at the time for some reason and it was the last place I felt like taking her). My mom and I poked around a few stores, tried out some new makeup together, ate at the food court, etc. All the while I didn't feel that great but now I remember that day at the mall with my mom as a really fun day we had together and I don't even think about how sad I had been feeling.

 

I also have a twin sister with 4 small children and one of them was a new born at the time. She was always asking if I wanted to go do some thing with her and kids, as a way to get me out of the house, but also because she needed some help. We went to a small waterpark one day and I remember that day, all I wanted to do was lie in bed. But I went, and I was able to help with the baby and take some of the older kids into the wavepool and waterslides... at the time only a very small percentage of me felt like I was actually enjoying myself, and now I look back on that day as one of the highlights of the summer. My nephews keep asking me if we can go back this summer. They didn't know that I was in so much pain.. they only knew that their aunt was awesome enough to go down big waterslides with them!

 

I guess my overall point is to say that you should keep doing the activities you say you are doing "to no avail." You might not feel incredibly happy doing them in the moment just yet but one day you might look back and just remember the experiences and not the pain associated with it. Just because you don't feel better instantly, doesn't mean it isn't working.

 

Perhaps you should step away from dating for now. It doesn't sound like you're ready, and in my opinion that is healthy and normal. You are grieving the loss of a 2.5 year relationship! So many people seem to think that dating asap is going to speed up the healing but I think for many people it's a setback. What's the rush? Just focus on yourself for a while. The period following a breakup is a good opportunity to get to know yourself and grow independently for a while. I'm 10 months out of a breakup and I am just now starting to feel ready to date for the "right" reasons, not just to replace my ex. Just be patient with yourself. And keep moving forward!

[rich46]

Perhaps you should step away from dating for now. It doesn't sound like you're ready, and in my opinion that is healthy and normal. You are grieving the loss of a 2.5 year relationship! So many people seem to think that dating asap is going to speed up the healing but I think for many people it's a setback. What's the rush? Just focus on yourself for a while. The period following a breakup is a good opportunity to get to know yourself and grow independently for a while. I'm 10 months out of a breakup and I am just now starting to feel ready to date for the "right" reasons, not just to replace my ex. Just be patient with yourself. And keep moving forward!

Couldn't agree more.

 

It's ridiculous for me to be where I am after 15 months apart

Hate to admit it but I'm 15 months in, and still hurting.

Still should be over it after 5 months but not.

And message to hooter - comparing your progress to where you think you should be is doing you more harm than good.

 

There is no time-frame, no set path for recovery, everyone is different.

 

Do all the things that have been spelled out on these forums thousands of times before, and trust that in time (which will vary from individual to individual), things will improve dramatically and you will eventually heal.

[ShatteredMan]

Tombo: I agree with Wiseman, Viceroy and had a similar experience to Parrot. Keep doing the coffee dates.

 

This will take time. I went through the same things: The sleepless nights, the anxiety attacks, the Facebook creeping.....it all prolongs your pain but you just can't stop it until YOU CHOOSE that you are tired of the pain and you are mentally and emotionally ready to let it go. What used to piss me off was all the people telling me "just let it go" or "you just need to move on".....its like telling someone who's drunk to sober up on the spot. It doesn't really work that way, especially if you add the depression and anxiety components on top of it.

 

I definitely did the A/B comparison to my ex during all of my dates up until about a month ago. Its been about 6 months and I finally got some distance from her (she lived upstairs from me) and removed all the triggers for my anxiety (Facebook/messenger, deleted her number, stopped going to places where we used to frequent).

 

There will come a time when you're not feeling guilty or awkward on the coffee dates (or other dates as things progress). I hate to say it but its going to be a rough road ahead but this process is not going to kill you. You are going to find someone new who is "everything your ex isn't" but you need to prepare yourself in terms of self improvement to be someone that a better person is going to want to be with. I've spouted off about this many times out here.

 

Don't rush things. Take time to feel what you need to and know that for any "progress" that you make, its okay to have some backsliding every now and then.

 

Its been 6 months for me but I freely acknowledge that if she hadn't been a friend of more than 10 years, lived upstairs from me and started bringing a new guy home a month after we split (and on a regular basis), that I might have gotten through things faster. It took time and distance from her and support from others (and therapy) to get through this. I hope that you have the same level of support in your life to move on faster than I did.

 

Let us know how it is going.....

[catfeeder]

I also want to add, that when my pain was pretty fresh and I had no desire to go out and do these types of things, most of the time I forced myself to do them anyway. [...]

I guess my overall point is to say that you should keep doing the activities you say you are doing "to no avail." [...] Just because you don't feel better instantly, doesn't mean it isn't working.

 

Yep. Step out of your own way and make your actions about helping the next person feel fabulous while you can't feel that way yourself. You can't conceive of the rewards in doing that until you do it.

 

When you do stuff in anticipation of distracting yourself to feel better, you're disappointed. When you do it as a gift to someone you love, you'll thank yourself later, and the results are cumulative.

[ShatteredMan]

Yep. Step out of your own way and make your actions about helping the next person feel fabulous while you can't feel that way yourself. You can't conceive of the rewards in doing that until you do it.

 

When you do stuff in anticipation of distracting yourself to feel better, you're disappointed. When you do it as a gift to someone you love, you'll thank yourself later, and the results are cumulative.

 

Completely agree.

[No1]

Have you accepted that its over or are you still thinking she is going to call you today?

Have you deleted, thrown away or boxed everything that reminds you of her?

 

Time is a great healer of wounds as is no contact, but they are only tools. You must do your part to assist in the process. If you are re reading emails and texts and looking at pictures of your X, then what good is time and no contact? You must help yourself. To do that, you must first accept that it is over. She is not coming back. You will never touch her, kiss her, lay with her, gaze into her eyes and so on. Accept that will not happen again. Once you do, you can begin healing.

[Tombo7891]

I've found myself recently coming around to the realization that I need to heal and move on, rather than hope we get back together. With each day I see a little clearer why we aren't together right now. I have thrown out everything that reminds me of her or that we had together. I don't go back and read through anything as I know how much it will tear me apart. I've unsubscribed on facebook, deleted her on snapchat and deleted my instagram all together. I do not want to be the ex who stalks her social media because i know this will not help me out at all. I've even started spending my time on the healing section of this site rather than the getting back together. This forum helps a lot!! especially when people reply and you see that complete strangers are there to help each other through their pain.

 

One of my big downfalls as with most guys is that I've never been one to express any emotion. My entire life I've just hid it deep down and battled the consequences alone. Well this breakup has finally been the nail in the coffin and I just couldn't control the emotions anymore. I've been seeing a therapist, realized that I have long battled with anxiety and forms of depression that I just thought was normal. I'm not afraid to be vulnerable anymore and let people see my soft side, because it doesn't make me any less of a man. It actually shows I'm more confident and comfortable in my own skin, and I've realized thats what shows true strength.

 

This is one of the big reasons that my ex left, because I wasn;t willing to connect on an emotional level and never opened up about anything. I tried so hard to do that for her, but the truth is I just didn;t know how, and you can;t do what you don't know. It took me this break up that shattered my heart, to gain this whole new side. I've become a better communicator with family and friends and just feel like I can interact on a whole new level. Obviously I wish that my ex was around to see this and to be able to share this new me with her, but I realize I had my chance. If it was meant to be then she will make her way back into my life, if not I've grown and become a better person because of it and I have to be thankful for that.

 

God bless everyone on here, that helps people during some of their darkest hours. I can't tell you how many times reading your comments has made my mood just a little better.

[ShatteredMan]

At least you know what some of the next steps are to making yourself better for someone else. That's growth and don't minimize it.

[lostlove76]

I'm 8 months past the breakup and haven't even begun to let go. I was still "waiting" for him to return. Meanwhile, he's now on his third girl since me, and this one appears to be serious. We've been completely NC, haven't had any communication whatsoever, but I've constantly monitored his Facebook looking for signs that maybe he would come back. Instead, I've just been devastated time after time as I find evidence of him being with the next girl, then the next, then the next. I honestly don't know if, or when, I'll ever feel okay again. It takes different amounts of time for different people. Don't ever let anyone rush you or make you feel bad for still caring. For some people, when they've loved and been attached, it's very difficult to break out of that. If we could all move on immediately it would sure make life easier, but what would that say about love? That it doesn't really matter? Mine moved on immediately, and I've never felt anymore more painful in my life.

 

Best wishes to everyone still going through the heartache.

[Lysflower]

I am nearly 2 years past the most difficult break up in my life and it is only recently that I came to the realization that I really needed to let things go for good. My ex and I were in complete NC for 18 months before seeing each other at our mutual friend's wedding last October. At that time I had been dating another woman for a year or so, who was everything my ex was not. Deep down the NC enabled me to keep the hope that we would get back together at some point alive, precisely because I had no idea what she had been up to.

 

Our encounter at the wedding was a tough wake-up call. We managed to reconnect so well that the lingering feelings I had kept buried resurfaced and I found myself telling her at the end of a very enjoyable day that I still thought she was the right person met at the wrong time, and that she could contact me any time if she had a change of heart. Bearing in mind we both had girlfriends at that point.. Ouch, a definite faux-pas, but at least I got things off my chest and am glad to have left the ball in her court (I have done my part so to speak). Guess what folks? It has been three months since the wedding and I have not heard anything from her..

 

A week after the wedding I decided to break up with my then-current girlfriend and start therapy. It is only two weeks ago that I was able to tell my therapist that I had come to the realization that despite her feelings for me, my ex was never in love with me. Well, imagine my shock when I found yesterday on my phone an old text message thread with my sister and saw that the very first message I sent my sis post break-up was to say that my ex had broken up with me because she was not ready and did not have strong enough feelings for me. I KNEW this from the start but I unconsciously (and probably consciously as well) to sweep this very hurtful but key fact under the carpet, so that I could comfortably wrap myself in the hope we would one day walk into the sun hand in hand.

 

I am my WORST enemy. I know I have made progress, so my therapist says. But there is still a part of me that does not want to let go of that hope. The question is to know how to articulate such hope whilst living a fulfilling life without waiting for her. So that if that happens, it will be a nice surprise, and if it does not happen, it will not matter. After nearly two years I of course feel much better than post break-up, but I know that something deep down is still holding me back. I am trying hard, and wish I could put a timestamp on being completely over her.

 

Good luck everyone!

[ShatteredMan]

I am nearly 2 years past the most difficult break up in my life and it is only recently that I came to the realization that I really needed to let things go for good. My ex and I were in complete NC for 18 months before seeing each other at our mutual friend's wedding last October. At that time I had been dating another woman for a year or so, who was everything my ex was not. Deep down the NC enabled me to keep the hope that we would get back together at some point alive, precisely because I had no idea what she had been up to.

 

Our encounter at the wedding was a tough wake-up call. We managed to reconnect so well that the lingering feelings I had kept buried resurfaced and I found myself telling her at the end of a very enjoyable day that I still thought she was the right person met at the wrong time, and that she could contact me any time if she had a change of heart. Bearing in mind we both had girlfriends at that point.. Ouch, a definite faux-pas, but at least I got things off my chest and am glad to have left the ball in her court (I have done my part so to speak). Guess what folks? It has been three months since the wedding and I have not heard anything from her..

 

A week after the wedding I decided to break up with my then-current girlfriend and start therapy. It is only two weeks ago that I was able to tell my therapist that I had come to the realization that despite her feelings for me, my ex was never in love with me. Well, imagine my shock when I found yesterday on my phone an old text message thread with my sister and saw that the very first message I sent my sis post break-up was to say that my ex had broken up with me because she was not ready and did not have strong enough feelings for me. I KNEW this from the start but I unconsciously (and probably consciously as well) to sweep this very hurtful but key fact under the carpet, so that I could comfortably wrap myself in the hope we would one day walk into the sun hand in hand.

 

I am my WORST enemy. I know I have made progress, so my therapist says. But there is still a part of me that does not want to let go of that hope. The question is to know how to articulate such hope whilst living a fulfilling life without waiting for her. So that if that happens, it will be a nice surprise, and if it does not happen, it will not matter. After nearly two years I of course feel much better than post break-up, but I know that something deep down is still holding me back. I am trying hard, and wish I could put a timestamp on being completely over her.

 

Good luck everyone!

 

I thought I was listening to myself when I read this. Don't put a time stamps, tollgates (ala project managment) or expectations on WHEN you'll be over someone.

 

Instead, work on things that make you happy. I tried dating a pile of women after I discovered my ex had moved on (quickly). Honestly, I was looking for my rebound relationship. I don't feel good about it and I don't advocate this. At least, I stopped and realized that dating every woman in town wasn't going to make my pain go away.

 

I didn't want to let go of the hope of reconciliation go either (ala Lysflower). All it did was perpetuate the pain (along with cyber stalking).

 

I'm also worried that I might have a relapse if I run into her. I'm not sure I could keep my composure.

 

What's funny is that I'm more worried losing the progress I've made vs. what she thinks/feels/cares about.

[Lysflower]

I thought I was listening to myself when I read this. Don't put a time stamps, tollgates (ala project managment) or expectations on WHEN you'll be over someone.

 

Instead, work on things that make you happy. I tried dating a pile of women after I discovered my ex had moved on (quickly). Honestly, I was looking for my rebound relationship. I don't feel good about it and I don't advocate this. At least, I stopped and realized that dating every woman in town wasn't going to make my pain go away.

 

I didn't want to let go of the hope of reconciliation go either (ala Lysflower). All it did was perpetuate the pain (along with cyber stalking).

 

I'm also worried that I might have a relapse if I run into her. I'm not sure I could keep my composure.

 

What's funny is that I'm more worried losing the progress I've made vs. what she thinks/feels/cares about.

 

I know what you are saying, but after nearly 2 years it is I guess normal one would feel (very) frustrated to be still pining over their ex. Being impatient by nature, I want to fall in love with the same intensity all over again whilst knowing I am not ready for this. And this feeds the "frustration bubble" even more. I am holding off dating whilst keeping an eye open and going to places and parties so as not to miss any opportunity. To some extent I feel like I am stuck in a confusing jumble, as my mind is trying to find some sort of impossible middle ground between two contradictory positions: having hope whilst moving on and not keeping my life on hold for her.

 

I too am more worried about having a relapse if I run into her than about what she thinks of me. In hindsight, I can only speculate but when I was professing my undying love for her she must have thought "jeez, I told her I was not sure about the depth of my feelings for her and there she is 18 months later telling me I am her right person - how sad is that?". But the truth is, I don't really care if she thinks I made a fool of myself. I also know somehow that she still cares about me.

[luisannalui]

 

 

This article provide good info about the stages of breakup recovery.

[catfeeder]

[...] I am my WORST enemy. I know I have made progress, so my therapist says. But there is still a part of me that does not want to let go of that hope. The question is to know how to articulate such hope whilst living a fulfilling life without waiting for her. [...] I know that something deep down is still holding me back. I am trying hard, and wish I could put a timestamp on being completely over her.

 

Good luck everyone!

 

Really great post. I can see where your therapist is seeing progress. It was courageous of you to break the relationship that wasn't serving you--or her. It's a true show of self awareness when you see what you didn't see before, even while you may still yet not know how to resolve it. Great job!

 

You may want to explore with your therapist how much of the trouble letting go is about the rejection itself versus love for your ex. Examine how well (in general) you're able to cope with someone not liking you. Most of us are not instinctively okay with rejection, it taps something survival-ish. We all learn how to reconcile it in different ways, and it might be your big nut to crack.

 

I've found it helpful to look at odds, and why love is rare. It's supposed to be rare--or what would be so special about it? Most people are NOT our match, and while we each have unique value, we also have unique lenses on the world. So while finding the person who views you through the right lens is rare, it also means that rejection is a reflection of the other's limitations rather than of any deficiency in YOU.

 

This has liberated me from trying to please all the people. It enables me to allow wrong matches to pass early. In grieving exes, I relax into a trust that if we were ever a 'meant-to-be' deal, life will teach me that, so it's become easier to move my focus beyond the ex rather than nurse that hope. However, the key to allowing the ex to become irrelevant for me was to address my ability to view rejection in a healthy way rather than in a way that hurts my heart.

 

Head high.

[luisannalui]

Tombo: I agree with Wiseman, Viceroy and had a similar experience to Parrot. Keep doing the coffee dates.

 

This will take time. I went through the same things: The sleepless nights, the anxiety attacks, the Facebook creeping.....it all prolongs your pain but you just can't stop it until YOU CHOOSE that you are tired of the pain and you are mentally and emotionally ready to let it go. What used to piss me off was all the people telling me "just let it go" or "you just need to move on".....its like telling someone who's drunk to sober up on the spot. It doesn't really work that way, especially if you add the depression and anxiety components on top of it.

 

I definitely did the A/B comparison to my ex during all of my dates up until about a month ago. Its been about 6 months and I finally got some distance from her (she lived upstairs from me) and removed all the triggers for my anxiety (Facebook/messenger, deleted her number, stopped going to places where we used to frequent).

 

There will come a time when you're not feeling guilty or awkward on the coffee dates (or other dates as things progress). I hate to say it but its going to be a rough road ahead but this process is not going to kill you. You are going to find someone new who is "everything your ex isn't" but you need to prepare yourself in terms of self improvement to be someone that a better person is going to want to be with. I've spouted off about this many times out here.

 

Don't rush things. Take time to feel what you need to and know that for any "progress" that you make, its okay to have some backsliding every now and then.

 

Its been 6 months for me but I freely acknowledge that if she hadn't been a friend of more than 10 years, lived upstairs from me and started bringing a new guy home a month after we split (and on a regular basis), that I might have gotten through things faster. It took time and distance from her and support from others (and therapy) to get through this. I hope that you have the same level of support in your life to move on faster than I did.

 

Let us know how it is going.....

 

What a great advice! You mentioned that you deleted your ex from everywhere. Did you also blocked her? And why?

[ShatteredMan]

What a great advice! You mentioned that you deleted your ex from everywhere. Did you also blocked her? And why?

 

I didn't block her. I just uninstalled FB from all my devices and don't hit the site anymore. The temptation to creep was too much and would trigger hours of anxiety afterward. Its just easier this way.

 

People who care about me, know how to contact me if they want to talk. Most of the time, its people discussing Trump and attacking each other due to their viewpoints. Its negativity I don't need and is a blocker to my recovery.

[luisannalui]

I didn't block her. I just uninstalled FB from all my devices and don't hit the site anymore. The temptation to creep was too much and would trigger hours of anxiety afterward. Its just easier this way.

 

People who care about me, know how to contact me if they want to talk. Most of the time, its people discussing Trump and attacking each other due to their viewpoints. Its negativity I don't need and is a blocker to my recovery.

 

About that topic, yeah I know - is ridiculous! I'm glad you made that moved. I decided to block everything from her. I was tired of waiting a message that I know will never come or just that message that will come to make me believe she wants me back but than to realize that I was wrong. Good luck!