kathy679 Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 I've started seeing this bloke. I am not sure if it's me being a bit resentful for no reason or not and need some outside perspective. When he's got money he has spent it on me. Taken me out and isn't stingy. But when he hasn't got money he's always asking for things like money to buy alcohol or lifts to places. I feel like I'm doing more giving as I'm lending him money or giving him money to buy alcohol. He doesn't drive either so he does ask for a lot of lifts which makes me resentful too as petrol is not cheap and my time is spent driving him around sometimes.he doesn't pay towards petrol. I've just spoke to him and told him how I feel and he got defensive and said I forget what he spends on me. The thing is I haven't forgotten at all I truely feel I do more. I'm not expecting this man to spend his money on me, I am very independent I don't want that. I just truely don't want him to spend my money. He earns loads more than I do as well so it's really not fair. What shall I do? I'm not sure if this is a deal breaker or will he listen to what I've just said? Outside thoughts please?
Wiseman2 Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 Just stop doing it. Tell him you can't afford it. tell him you need to budget your money and save for the future and your accountant advised you to do that and put more into your retirement plans. Is he an alcoholic? Why can't he drive? when he hasn't got money he's always asking for things like money to buy alcohol or lifts to places. I feel like I'm doing more giving as I'm lending him money or giving him money to buy alcohol. He doesn't drive either so he does ask for a lot of lifts which makes me resentful too as petrol is not cheap and my time is spent driving him around sometimes.he doesn't pay towards petrol.
kathy679 Posted February 12, 2017 Author Posted February 12, 2017 He has a licence but he has no car at the moment . If he had one I'm sure things would be easier for me as I wouldn't be doing all the running around. Maybe he is an alcoholic I don't spend all my time with him but he drinks a lot at weekends when I'm with him. He doesn't get the shakes when he doesn't drink but he does drink a lot
ParisPaulette Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 Stop giving him things. Are you his mother? No. Are you his wife? No. It's not your job to feed and clothe a grown man, that's his. Dump the leech. And yeah, I'm sure he spends money on you when he has it. But that's far different than the money and time and effort he is demanding of you for things he should be providing for himself. Or play taxi or enable him to have booze and other bad habits. Tell him to take the bus, you're busy. It's fine to spend money on a guy when you're both on a date, no issues there. Gifts and goodies too. The occasional ride, sure. But all the time and for stuff they should be able to provide themselves and even worse, wasting your time? Nope, you're being a doormat. Stop it. Tell him you can no longer afford to give him money for goodies or offer him rides. I'm betting he'll go elsewhere since he's with you clearly to take advantage of you, not be an equal partner. P.S. Some alcoholics never get the shakes. My dad never did and until the very end when he was getting really drunk and totally losing any semblance of control there were plenty of times when the only way we could tell he was drunk was by the underlying smell of whiskey on his breath that he couldn't mask. Alcoholism is more can they be fine if they don't drink one weekend, can they take it or leave it, no worries. Begging you for money to buy booze? Yeah, I'd say he has a drinking problem. Again, this is different than if you two were on a date and wanted a bottle of nice wine, and you offered to pitch in. And there's your future with this guy. Do you really want to be with a guy who has to beg for money to buy booze for himself every weekend. Does he even work? I'm betting not or he's doing something with the money and then using you to get more. When I was dating my rule was I wouldn't buy anything for them that wasn't for the both of us. Otherwise nope, but I had kids too so short on resources and as soon as I got wind of some fellow seeing me as a bank account, free ride machine I was gone. I couldn't afford it and being a doormat just gets you walked on.
Hollyj Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 Is this the same guy: A date with a disrespectful twist So I've been on a few dates with this bloke, and he invited me up to his friends today. So I travelled 20 miles to see him and as I turned up he said I've gotta go out with my mate quickly I'll be back soon. I'll meet you around Sarah's house if that's OK. So I agreed and went to Sarah's. However Sarah wasn't really up for visitors but she was polite and we had a nice catch up as she's a good friend of mine. Then 2 hours later I got a text saying sorry I gotta go out again with another mate I'll see you in a while. I was very polite around Sarah and I didn't let on I was feeling disrespected but after a while I left and went home as I didn't want to over stay there. When I got home I sent him a message politely dumping him. Which I feel is the right thing to do. I felt if he wanted to go out he shouldn't of invited me, I could of done much more tonight than wait around for him. No offense to Sarah it was lovely to see her, and we had a good laugh...but that's not the point is it! Plus it was a waste of my petrol when I haven't got a lot of that at the moment. Just wondered what other people would do in this situation?
kathy679 Posted February 12, 2017 Author Posted February 12, 2017 Does he even work? I'm betting not or he's doing something with the money and then using you to get more. Yes he works but I think you've hit the nail on the head he's doing something with the money as he never has any. It's really baffling me what he does. I would say he's an alcoholic then really. I'm not up for being his door mat as I no it will just end with me putting myself second. Not up for that tbh. No Holly it's not the same person it's another bloke. He is actually more respectful when it comes to standing me up he won't do that but the asking for money so he can go get a beer from the shop. I hate the asking it makes me cringe! I'd never ask so thanks for the outside perspective Paris pallette I'd say he's got alcohol issues too as I don't think he would handle a weekend without.
Hollyj Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 Kathy, You can do much better!!! You should not be playing taxi service and giving this guy money. That's ridiculous. Please address the people you are choosing, as it seems your picker is off. You should have been done, long ago.
kathy679 Posted February 12, 2017 Author Posted February 12, 2017 Thanks Hollyj I haven't been seeing him long but if this is how it's going to be then I'm not up for it. I've been on many dates over the last few years and non of them get past the 1 month mark, they are lucky to get to 2 weeks on average. Are there any men out there without issues? Doesn't seem that way to me but I'll keep looking . It's exasperating though
Hollyj Posted February 12, 2017 Posted February 12, 2017 There are. I think the common denominator is you. I would address your patterns and who YOU choose.
notalady Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 Thanks Hollyj I haven't been seeing him long but if this is how it's going to be then I'm not up for it. I've been on many dates over the last few years and non of them get past the 1 month mark, they are lucky to get to 2 weeks on average. Are there any men out there without issues? Doesn't seem that way to me but I'll keep looking . It's exasperating though The moment someone you just started dating ask you for money, for any reason, is the moment you bolt. There are lots of men without issues but also tons that do have issues. The key is to discern the ones with issues early and move on, so you don't waste lots of time (and in this case also money). Dating IS a numbers game though, so you can expect to meet a lot of people that are not your match for whatever reason. Kathy how do you determine which men to meet and which ones you won't, other than photos? Any criteria you apply? Do you message men you're interested in or do you want for men to contact you first? Just trying to see if there's anything you might be overlooking.
mbee Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 There are. I think the common denominator is you. I would address your patterns and who YOU choose. I agree. There are lots of quality guys out there. I used to pick crappy guys years ago and I realized a lot of it tied into my self-worth. I would automatically assume a very attractive, kind, good guy wouldn't be into me. This is all subconscious. Once I figured that out, I became tons pickier and now only go for quality guys. I will NOT even consider the type of guys I would have went for before. I haven't found a long term relationship yet but I'd say the large majority of my dates have been with quality guys who pay, are respectful, don't ask for much from me and don't stand me up. Same amount of dates but far less drama. Work on your self-esteem, take a break from dating if you need to. As your self-love increases, you'll only give the good guys a chance.
Sportster2005 Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 He won't change. It's up to you to decide if it's a dealbreaker. I think most people, or at least a lot would consider it a deal breaker. I would.
catfeeder Posted February 13, 2017 Posted February 13, 2017 Sounds as though you're trading your self respect just to be with someone--anyone. Do you really want to play social worker, banker and taxi driver just to call someone, anyone, a BF? I'd skip that. With millions of people in the world to date, why settle for this? We never get any wasted time back again for do-overs. Respect yourself.
ParisPaulette Posted February 14, 2017 Posted February 14, 2017 I know it's hard Kath, but don't lose heart. There are great guys out there, but yeah you have to sort through some of the less than great to get there. Lord knows I did. I think the issue isn't so much that all you're getting is bad, but you tend to hang on instead of showing them to the door when you see serious red flags. You've started to get better at it, so give yourself some credit for that. This is just another one that needs to be shown to the door and you move forward. Keep in mind every one that doesn't work out should be teaching you lessons in what you do want, what does work for you as well as what doesn't. Don't become this guy's booze source and free ride. Ten to one he's not driving, because of DWI's - another serious red flag. Nope, end it and move on. There are good guys out there, but they can't find you if you're covered in clowns.
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